At 05:40 hours

05:40 HOURS I've been up three hours, I slept from about 21:30 to 02:30. Ghost is playing in German yet again. I phoned my family, my Mum and my Dad 2 separate phone calls (divorce). My Mum was about 3 days ago. They know I'm on antipsycho pills now. There is no diagnosis by the way. I wasn't "psychotic" in the sense that I had schizophrenia. I went to a schizophrenia forum full of stuff about unseen presences (not just voices) and Mind Control. Not my illness, I don't think. My craziness was my head going so fast I went beyond thoughts whirling about like tornado debris, to thoughts clashing into one another turning into jangle-angle-l-l-l-l-l to just ga-ga-ga-ga-gas to just roaring noise. I never knew you could go mad like that. See I went to territory I hadn't even heard about or read about. Surely the same thing has happened to somebody else somewhere? Are they really too inarticulate to write it down? One thing that annoys the living crap out of me is people who cannot just TELL their experience. Or when they do it's in such vague terms it could mean anything.

Anyway I didn't come to write about being crazy. Last night I actually thought I was going down. That set me off to ring my folks. I didn't want to be arguing on the phone (which isn't them, it's me being volatile and my poor family not quite grasping what has hit them). I must point out if I ever do talk of "arguing" I do just mean arguing as you debate a point, albeit vehemently. I never swear at my family or call names. My swearing is descriptive, not accusatory.

Well it's nearly 6am and I'm still NOT depressed thank God. I posted something at 6pm about it and I'm leaving it in, this is after all my own private diary (and you wonder why it's so boring! My own personal shyte you're reading here!)

I have been big time food bingeing. 3 packets fruit jelly shyte. 1x 110g Orange Aero (which looks family-size huge bc of all those holes in the chocolate). Ukkh I can't believe it. I'm reading those words from later F*** OFF DEPRESSION GO AND DO ONE. I'M GOING NOWHERE. See if that works.

Do you like my prim asterisks? Those mean I'm not off on one any more. Swearing with me is a sure sign of xania.

So what was I talking about? Yeah this shrinko: no diagnosis. He said the risperidone will turn down the volume on the old mood swings. Chop the top and the bottom off, was how it sounded. They ain't for schizophrenia.

From the risperidone leaflet~~
Hey here's what I haven't got. Though I had every single one of these bar causing injury to myself. I just made myself feel physically sick through not eating or sleeping:

Risperidone tablets are also used to treat a type of mental illness called bipolar disorder, which causes dramatic mood swings from overly high and/or irritable to sad and hopeless and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behaviour go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs (characterised by overactivity, elation or irritability, overly talkativeness, aggression, less need for sleep than normal, switching quickly from one topic to another, as if they cannot get their thoughts out fast enough, get easily distracted or show poor judgment or cause injury to oneself) are called episodes of mania.

Ha ha. I don't get mania!! I am thoroughly enjoying not being b~~~~~r. If I were b~~~~~r I'd have the rapid-cycle type. Which is more severe. And more difficult to treat. Brilliant. Just brilliant innit. Well as I say IT'S NOT ME SO I DON'T GOTTA WORRY BOUT IT.


Now it's past 6am; the house is quiet. My lovely garage music is drifting in on 92.9FM



1807: I should have known this was happening. Now I feel depressed. Only a bit but I do. I think about doing something, then this sinking feeling comes over me. (No words, just a feeling ~ this is why I don't believe depression is as "cognitive" as people want to say. Anxiety may be. Depression isn't always. Anyway I will make a prediction. It will get bad. That's prediction 1. Prediction 2 says it will still come but will stay mild, indistinct but bad enough to ruin everything still. I'd rather have it full-blown for a short time than mild for a long time and I do know how full-blown feels. Knowing my luck I will get full blown for ages. Ha! See now this is cognition as pysch-psychos call it. Negative expressions in words. I'm going out to get drink, to medicate myself.


Hey I sprayed myself today with: Alcohol Denat, Butane, Isobutane, Popane, Parfum, Popylene Glycol, Polyaminopropyl Biguanide Stearate, Benzyl Alcohol, Benzyl Salicylate, Butylphenyl Methylproprional, Citral, Cirtonellol, Geraniol, Hexyl Cinamal, Limonene and Linalool.

Together they smell really nice. And are marketed as Lynx Twist which smells of lemons and green leaves. It was green leaves ("fougère")



PS if you click my schizophrenia link as well as psychotic rantings you get a fascinating facial comparison of Barrack Obama and Malcolm X


06:25 hours, I feel so emotional. The music makes me want to cry.



Illustrated: isn't this amazing it's a multicolour vortex ...

Note to self: Love FM 92.9 abstract, "deep" garage

Antipsychotics

HEY I FOUND MYSELF A PROPER NUT-CRACKER DOCTOR!! AT LAST. MY OWN PERSONAL ONE.

Before that he was a dr. I had seen who works there. Now he's my dr.

I'm on antipsychotics. Respiradone or risperadone, I don't know what it's called (I'm not looking it up) 2mg x2 daily. That's not supposed to be very much.

He said it's for schizophrenia and mood problems and it should stop my moods being so extreme. I don't think he was telling me I had schizophrenia. The S word terrifies me even though the other words are probably worse. I don't mean to mystify by not giving other words I just don't want to.

Obviously I had to say how I felt today. Which is less hyperhigh than yesterday, which was less than the day before. Saturday in particular, Saturday morning and early afternoon I was off my rocker. That's when I had to do a car journey. "Had to" meaning chose to and forced self into it. I am a little toddler and a horrible parent.

When I was using heroin the brat was in charge. Strangely even though I was going crazy and knew it (most of the time) ... even then the parent kept charge. If he hadn't I'd have got myself in tremendous trouble. My ideas included 1. walking to Paris (through the channel tunnel) and 2. giving up methadone (all part of the same scheme) and 3. throw all my possessions out of the window and set fire to them on the street (again, part of the same scheme) which was inspired by paranoia and "grandiosity" as they might call it. Feeling I don't need anything or anyone because I'm above it and "turning into pure energy anyway"... ahem. Well I told ya everything else, might as well shove this lovely lot in ya crack pipe and smoke it. Yeah I was going crazy yeah yeah I know. Maybe at that precise moment in time I didn't have quite the same view on things, but I must have had some view as I didn't do it. Also you have to bear in mind my attention was so fractured I sometimes literally could not follow what people were saying. So my hopes of actually chucking everything out of a window and locating lighters and kindling and fuel and walking to Paris were slightly slim, to say the least.

I hope someone somewhere has been really entertained by that revelation as I don't know whether to laugh or... what?! I don't feel depressed. (Thank God.) I just feel less hyperdiaper. The dr. wanting to know how I felt I was I could only say "well I think I'm absolutely fine and would willingly stay the way I am today for ever" (that is less hyper than before but still hyped up a bit)... "but you will probably think I'm still gone"...

... then I had to answer a string of questions about whether some outside agency was controlling my body (no) could other people read my thoughts (no) did I hear my thoughts aloud (yes)... then voices voices. I don't even wanna talk about voices. No I don't hear voices telling me to do stupid things. When I was out of it everything I heard whether or not it was "real" sounded mighty peculiar. Just the noise of a car going past sounded like an inverted SWOO-OO-SHHHHHHHH-H-H-H through a cosmic sound vortex. I kept forgetting I wasn't actually at a hardcore rave. It was like a party all the time. A fantastic nonending over a week long party. Which is not a bad way to feel.

So now I'm on antipsychotics. I hope this is followable and rational and all. I am trying to be boring and grounded. I don't want to be boring. Maybe I'll try just the grounded (one foot only).

I'm looking for a life. Have yet to find one. Did find my DSS Money Card! Wow! Bought cyder and a pie with it.

Oh and stopping drinking isn't my biggest priority, that's official, from the dr's mouth. He wasn't condoning drinking. Just said it's not as hugely bad as ... I dunno. I can do it. I don't WANT to be an old drinker so I'm stopping anyway. Don't need a dr. to tell me to do that.

OK I'm off. Take it easy.


ps of course i'm looking up what crap i'm on, just not today, not now
can't believe i'm about to take that stuff. ukkk. has it really got this bad that i'm "severe"... o man... o shuttup gledwood shuttup i'm off

i had to take my psycho-script down my normal chemist. wasn't in mood for sniffy other pharmacist to give me "you're a nutter" looks

illustrated: nutcracker suite. some ballet. i like the picture because it has people flying through the air. and because it is blue

19:50hrs OK I just double-dropped 2x 2mg Risperidone. Might as well get it over and done with. I bosh it all back at night to start with; then one nightly one daily from next week. I have x3 zopiclone 7.5s (as required) which he told me was today, tomorrow the next day. I'd rather save them... That's it

How to get a life in 1000 easy steps

I say one thousand because that's very approximately 3 years and I think anyone Recovering from serious heroin addiction would be hard pressed to truly be able to say they'd broken free in less time.

All I'm doing at the moment is

1. seeing psychiatrists
2. going to mental health groups/meetings and methadone clinic appointments
3. sorting out housing problems (I think this social worker type person is meant to get in touch soon)
4. looking after myself in basic ways
5. going to NA

I'm not sure I could do more than that. Not today.

My attention was so scattered last week I could focus on nothing. Cooking was fun because everything burned (couldn't hang on to the fact it was in the oven) and the smoke alarm which "went right through me" felt absolutely fantastic. Rather than just pissing me off the way it normally would.

I didn't realize I had a truly "high mood" until last Wednesday when I got taken to a Mental Hospital for being too hyper (and proving I wasn't on drugs with a drug test) and having complained of mood swings (up and down) for a long time. And now being tired of just not functioning the way others seem to find it easy to function, and living in a mess. And also getting pretty badly depressed on occasion. These were and are what I'm trying to sort first. Drug addiction itself has to come second. As my old Worker, who was a mental nurse, told me I was "self medicating". At first I thought this was just a load of tosh that sounded good, though I'm sure I repeated it here. Then I slowly realized how true that was. Now I'm after either Nothing (ie I piece my life together myself with no chemical assistance) or I take psychiatric meds. The word "antipsychotics" has come up repeatedly and not out of my mouth. From doctors' mouths.

Yesterday I was in a meeting and couldn't focus for hearing voices. I was nowhere near as hyped up as I've been before. Yesterday morning, for example, I had this weird sensation of actually being in my body, the way I was before, but hadn't been for about 9 days ~ and didn't care about, at the time...

So I'm off to this doctor in about an hour's time. I will post what happened, unless I just decide to hibernate.

This is another problem, and I suppose it comes under self-care in the above list. I just am not sleeping the way "normal" people seem to or the way I used to (which often involved feeling crap and sleeping too much).

I was taking sleep meds (zopiclone 7.5mg). I was prescribed a week's worth and took it every day in an attempt to reset my sleep cycle.

It hasn't entirely worked, as on Tuesday night I slept between 1 and 2 hours then just woke up and got up. Yesterday I was absolutely exhausted and slept about 7 and a half, going to bed in the early evening and getting up at 2. Yes I know that's not ideal timing... just you try and be that tired, that distracted and not sleep, knowing there's a good chance you might go UP and keep going through the night.

Yeah I'm pretty sure this is what doc-docs like to call a "mood disorder". I certainly had one before (depression). Whatever this one is I cannot diagnose so that little issue has to remain there.

Now I'm off. I have pizza cooked for breakfast. It's only 10 past 10 in the morning, but I've not eaten since I got up. I have no appetite, interspersed with sudden, intense hunger.

So that's what I'm up to, and thanks to the person who said get a life at Melody's, you inspired a fairly focused post for once.

I told that person to get their own then tell me about it. I wasn't being entirely sarky: I'd be interested to know what that person does do with their time. I mean if they keep house, have cats, kids, a job. Or whether they're just some addict who cannot break their habit. I know how the latter feels, but not really the former.

Take care y'all...

:-)

Slept/drum & bass/jungle/hardcore/cleaning/shopping/etc

I THOUGHT I WAS running out of energy, having spent most of the night awake, then pinging down the chemist for my methadone, then going home, then having a black coffee for energy (physically tired), then another coffee, then having the most fun cleaning I've ever had in my life. Then feeling physically like I was on speed. Then feeling like I was going to have a panic attack.

Physically exhausted, I put myself to bed, saying "you are ill, and you are mentally ill, lie down, this will pass" ~ so I slept the expected two hours till it sounded like Loose Women or Doctors was on (different channels; couldn't have been both) ... I put the covers over me like a tent and slept some more, aching all over and genuinely feeling ill. Then I got up feeling so hungry I was sick. I seem to have lost a stone in weight: or the scales I found on the street were inaccurate. I've no idea. [One stone is 14 lbs or about 6.5kg.]

This evening I did some irritating little things I had to. Then shopping. Morrisons supermarket. Tex Mex pizza. Best ever. The self service till was like a robot at a hardcore rave. Please please scan (an) the next itemplease scan WAIT FOR AN ASSISTANT!!) lots of fun. And that pizza is amazing. I only had chips (which are Iceland American style curly fries (do they actually have curly fries in America? These are lovely). Then Holby City (hospital drama) came on. I missed EastEnders.

I'm scanning the radio for decent pirate stuff. The drum and bass they're playing sounds a good 17 years old! Proper Ragga Jungle. That's what I'm looking for.

Drink is down to 2 cans at 7.5% ABV ie 1 litre. It's up to 85p a can! Will this torment never cease??!! Nah, don't wanna be a drinker all my life. The alcohol is GOING!

Now I have to not drink coffee, which I appear to be hypersensitive to. I mean this was full on speeding on TWO cups normal one heaped teaspoon. Coffee has never been quite that strong before. I mean, this was physical, hence the anxiety. The highest hyper highs I have had have been totally out of sync with any coffee drinking. E.g. the Mental Hospital Day ~ hadn't had a cup for five hours. Had only had one or possibly two. Don't need caffeine. Nicotine has to go as well. Cigarettes are a terrible poison. Why should I be dependent on outside drugs to poison myself.

Now I have to finish what I barely started that is clearing crap I don't know what is relevant or not. No I'm not allowed a flamethrower, which would make clearing up far easier. Yeah yeah highly irresponsible I know so it's boring old chucking out. Let me indulge a fantasy once or twice. So now the hunt is on for Proper "Old Skool" as they call it to make me feel ancient (ie hardcore rave 1991, 1992) or Ragga Jungle (probably won't find that) or ancient sounding but probably modern rapid drum & bass with an overgrown schoolboy running out of rhymes on top.

Traaaaaaaa!!!! How are y'all. See I'm not irritably ranting tonight. Clean clean clean and cleaner. Clean me clean up. Live a clean life. Clean and Serene. That's me goal ;-)



21:29 London Radio: Eh, the Greek stuff ain't bad...
01:22 hrs Love FM Live .com (lovefmlive.com) good garage after midnight

A Sense of Responsibility

08:54 I DIDN'T SLEEP at all well last night, but officially got up around 5 or 6 or 7, after surfing the net in bed (as a way of falling asleep without knowing it, I wasn't surfing intensely I was pottering about blogs I should have been but have not been, in a highly random fashion. Which means I probably never got to any of y'all actually reading! Sorry. Seriously poor attention span going on here. Imagine taking a sound recording, razor editing to cut/cu-/-t/b-/-its/out it's kind of like that. Which means pictures can actually be easier to deal with than words. The sudden accelerations I had a few days ago have mostly gone, at least they're nowhere near as intense. Whenever something stressed me, or just because it happened, I had a feeling of foot on the accelerator and me flying into a vortex hyper-whirlwind thing which you could imagine as rapidly swirling letters of the alphabet, where sound and thought were one and the same. Which is why if you saw me doing that you'd probably think I'd gone truly cuckoo because I know there were times I was saying it. The only bad one (in a social sense) was when this is going on and the phone rings... ukkk I think I explained that one before. It was not good, not pretty, I'm not proud. I was trying, trying to keep a lid on my behaviour. I'd love to see what someone else would have done. I'm sure a lot of people would have done more of the yelling and less of the deliberate, conscious calming down.

I could have compared it to losing your temper, as that is intense; and you can cool down over the course of a few hours (if you really badly lose it, which I only remember doing once) but this is way more intense, hyper intense, more out of it by a factor of thousands. So the calming down involves a kind of detachment from something that is still going on to a near-infinitesimal degree and eventually you drift further apart and IT calms down (in a sense) after you do. I don't know whether I'm explaining well at all.

Today is my clean day which means I'm cleaning my house. I hadn't the focus to do that before. Bear in mind I was utterly dishevelled with random braids going down one side of my hair, where I'd distractedly plaited it as something to do. Had no clean clothes (and still really don't what I do have is badly handwashed: the laundrette is either too slow and too much just too much stuff going on to do and remember when I'm too intense, or a paranoia headfuck. The paranoia is easier to get through because when I feel that way I tend to be going slower. In the fast zones I feel fantastic and fantastical. No drug has ever lifted me that high. Ever. They call amphetamines "speed"...? Why? Nobody on speed is any faster than by maybe a factor of two or three. And the euphoria of speed, cocaine etc is kind of concentrated, like a golf ball or a tennis ball of white light. This is a beachball with more light, but the light can be slightly more diffuse, which makes you think there's less of it when there's still more. This is the difference. And as for speed, I don't ever remember not following people. Not like this. This has gone way beyond the Can't Be Bothereds into the Just Can'ts.

If I don't write this down I'll start kidding myself, later, that it somehow wasn't quite like this, the way it was. That this is an exaggeration. When I can witness now, this is the truth. And I accept it's not all pretty. I know I have been falling apart. (Why do you think I've been trying to get help?

Main reason for seeking help is because housing problems are reaching a peak and I need somebody who can vouch for me, somebody who knows each professional I'm in touch with. That's all I'm asking. A bit of link up for someone who's lost the links. Nobody can cure me. Nobody can sort out my life bar me. I never ever said that and if you think you read that I suggest you read wrong. Why do you think I hated being addicted to drugs so very much? I'm an INdependent person. Yes I might have aspects of me, just as there are aspects of you, that occasionally like to depend. But in heart and in spirit I'm not motivated by others' evaluation of me (I just try and be nice) and I don't like having other people running my life like I'm a 3 year old. Just remember there is nobody alive who has no responsibility.

Seriously ill people in hospital do fight for their lives. Fighting to stay alive, that is a responsibility. But you could look at somebody stretched out full of tubes and not there and secretly in some tiny way envy them because they're not subject to the stresses you are. Actually they might be subject to more.

Here endeth the Morning Proclamation!

Crack/Addiction/Doctor Rant

Diagnose diagnose shove it up your nose. Here's my suggestion to anyone working in mental health apart from Lizzie. Do some coke, read this, get a life http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/abstract/146/4/459
Yeah my thoughts are all mixed up. And I know it.
They say I have "good insight" "good reality testing" those things. [Well I hope I do!] That's what keeps me out not in. Otherwise I would have been committed to psychocentral long ago. I don't want to be in Braodmoor that is a prison for the criminally insane. I used to think I was gonna get set up falsely accused. Happened to me enough when I was younger. Accuse anybody of anything and yeah they will "look guilty". do me a favour. i was going to come up with a string of links but really cant be bothered now i had osme point i have gone past the point Talking Past the Point. Remember that one from somewhere. Know something about something. PSYCHOLOGY did you know I once wanted to be a psychologist. Not Abnormal Psychology which is half-brained psychiatry (wanna be a psychiatrist BE a psychiatrist, not a psychologist it means you're too thick to do a medical degree, in essence) what I wanted to explore was "individual differences" which means Personality and what distinguishes one person from another person. Their ways. Their means. Their Power. Their powerlessness (learned helplessness is when you torture someone, torture a rat every time it tries to eat and it'll starve itself to death ~ big wow yeah a lot of SYMPATHY goes on in psychology so if you ever think DOCTORS ARE BASTARDS think of what went on to get them where they are today re what they know and where they go. Their attitude to addicts I will not get into. Read Sids blog re him as junkie speaking to medical students. They didn't know fuck all. One TRAINED DOCTOR didn't know what DIAMORPHINE was diamorph as used in actue and chronic pain management, diamorphine as in street heroin, diamorphine as in addictive drug diamorphine as in medicine, diamorphine how the hell can you be a doctor and not understand the difference betweeen [morphine and] acetylated morphine which is diacetylmorphine aka diamorphine (the deacetylation is said to be a lot of the heroin rush) how can you not know that that is utterly inconcievably stupid sorry to say it. Brainy as you get and utterly thick. Typical doctor. In America they're even worse. Anna Grace has been treated so shockingly I wouldn't want to meet the people who did it to her. I think I'm very self restrained but I don't .... what about Silk Taffeta in an American detox clinic detoxing off benzos watching fellow patients FITTING OUT that's utterly stupid. Let someone have one fit they're likely to have seizures again, to become epileptic. Different drug, parallel situation: CRACK COCAINE. In my day (when I started smoking it) the crack was most definitely better than now, stronger and better and I'm talking about how it vaporizes (should melt easily), how long it smokes (shorter the better) etc etc + fact that we weren't breaking rocks up we piped the whole £10 0.2g rock which gave me chest pains and earringing, echoing noises and one time at least a blinding white light into which i vanished into Crack Land zooming out down a Loony Tunes tunnel with My Big Issue (homeless magazine) selling friend at the end of it that was Proper Crack that's what I thought of as Piping. You can literally KILL YOURSELF smoking like this. That's why my heart flapped against my chest like a trapped pigeon. You can GO INTO SEIZURES which my ex had done. Then, years later, she was seeing a neurologist for fitting out. Petit mal in her case. I remember her just blanking, eyes rolling back. I was high but not too high to be bothered. I yelled look at me and held her head and made a drastic V right to her eyes yes I do have self control to Stop At The Right Point I didn't and had no intention of harming her. Point was she didn't flinch. Wasn't acting. Didn't look there. Wasn't there. BECAUSE OF CRACK. It is evil nasty stuff. The vibe surrounding it is nasty. The people surrounding it are patently nasty and if you don't see that take a step or two back. Part of the process of de-addicting yourself involves perspective. If you have no handle on normality or morality or whatever else you'll have no other seat to sit on bar the Addicts' Chair.
Crack is the absolute last thing I want or need that's why I was yelling aobut it down the phone to psycho stone-throwing friend. When he did actually throw a stone at my window even though he'd said he'd do it it was SO LOUD I YELLED AT THE VERY TOP OF MY VOICE YEAH I'M COMING I'M COMING OUT ONE SECOND!!! and i was TRYING to calm down for this magical mystery tour that involved four of us. I was merely passenger. I don't care whether they bought Brown or White (heroin or crack) I didn't ask, didn't even wonder [which is why i note this down: first time ever i've been in a car, someone's got out, i knew it was to score drugs once id got my head round the idea he wasn't running away, and didn't think about, wonder, want what/when/why/any part of it. and if you cannot believe that that's your problem not mine]. This is why NA piss me off, tell a story like that they'll assume it's a tale half told they DON'T GET IT. HIGHER POWER. That's what keeps you off drugs. a Higher Power. They say it themselves. There are 3 Higher Powers: the Power in the Room at an NA meeting, God Almighty, creator of heaven and earth and all of us (I think God is the original meaning of Higher Power but wasn't there so how do I know?) and lastly the POWER IN ME, THE POWER IN YOU. That's my Higher Power and that is more Powerful than Me and more Powerful than You and More Powerful than Heroin or Crack or any other Drug.
I find it hard to believe a reforming addict, "Recovering" as they say. How can they not get that. But they don't. And they don't get me. I'll keep coming back but I'm telling the truth next time. Have had enough of being misunderstood.

OK Crack/other rant over.
Delightful comments please!

Link click Silk Taffeta above, you get the full Xanax Withdrawal story, click this one and it's to Anna and me re Trainspotting

ukk i only read over this enough to find highlight and do the links no i don't hate America I only hate certain aspects of their legal system and medical system and some aspects of their system re drug addiction, it's not like here and here isn't like other places
one reason i wanted to go abroad is because i'm Sick To Death of the British Govt and feel when you're in a foreign country that is Their Government and Their Way of Doing Things you focus on the positives not the negatives. Unless you ARE RANTING ABOUT DRUG ADDICTION where my small irritation becomes explosively relevant. Plus I'm really pissed off at how my friend was abused and mistreated. She is American. She is my friend. Anna. My Best Friend.

AUDIO BULLYS DRUMS (ON WITH THE STORY)
Thanks LIzzie
i love this tune, it's amazing, this is the best one so far. it doesn't start dancing till about 2 mins in



AS YOU CAN SEE FROM THIS I THINK COCAINE IS SUCH A WONDERFUL GOOD IDEA, TAKING A DRUG THAT FITS YOU OUT, GIVES YOU HEART ATTACKS, ADDICTS, MAKES HOMELESS, RUINS MARRIAGES, LIVES ETC. WHICH IS WHY I WAS SO OBVIOUSLY TOTALLY SERIOUS WHEN i SAID "DO SOME COKE"
KKKKKHHHHHHHHHH
i have to be so careful

i don't want some kid to read this and think "drugs are a good idea"

yeah right yeah so bang on yeah yeah look what they did to me

i'm so........... (fill in the blank ya self, lazy fucker!)

14:00 ha! i just linked up Broadmoor Hospital should i read not read cant be bothered reading something so boring. imagine that the absolute pits. got nuff of me own mate dont need yours. someone else read it

Dr Ruth is cracking up

DR RUTH ON CASUALTY ON BBC TV IS CRACKING UP. I saw her last week [last night]. Casualty is Accident and Emergency (ER means Elizabeth Regina, the Queen over here when you're not watching American telly).

She looks like she's having a manic bipolar episode. Into this mingles a girl in an attick. The girl scrapes free onto the roof. Her parents think she can fly. Or she does. She ends up in hospital. Supposed to be schizophrenic. Treated by manic dr Ruth. This was a major headfucker to watch.

Dr Ruth was "hearing voices" but the voices were very vague. Not clear "hello hello hello darlin I've got some lovely peaches down me stall!" not like that ha ha!

Also she does what I do. Reads something, 2 words, zigzags down the page. Gotta get it quick. I got that one the second it happened. A letter. A blank page saying "HELP ME". What she's done is open a letter that says something else. Help and Me are where her eyes fall. So she thinks Schizogirl is asking for help.

Is a bit overhyped enough to think she's a brain surgeon, which she's not. She's an emergency dr. Calms schizogirl down. Tells schizogirl I hear your voices too. The voices are caused by an auditory nerve disturbance I will sort this out with XYand Z. Before we know it, schizogirl is asleep on ketamine (anaesthetic, ketamine is a HUMAN ANAESTHETIC NOT A TRANQUILLIZER FOR HORSES, it could whack a horse out cold if you needed to remove its hoof THAT is what ketamine is for THAT is why I never abused it too much. KETAMINE HAS A VALID MEDICAL USE if you abuse that so badly it doesn't work for you... it could be nasty. Nasty situation where ketamine, used to cut people out of cars etc doesnt work ~ you don't want that).

Meanwhile the Voided ECT mother, reason for parents' refusal of psychiatry, because ECT messed this lady, the mother so badly up. Casualty always involves a lot of interpersonal revelation (more than ER) so the failure of communication in their marriage came up. Sudenly Void Woman isn't a Void and is saying "I never told you because you never asked" and the intricacies of medicating somebody's personality are ins and outed.

Meanwhile Dr Ruth has Ketamine Girl on a slab with head holdy-together metal stuff around it ready for surgery. Senior Doc Doc knocks on door. Verbal fight through locked door. Very senior colleague is taken out of heart surgery to come upstairs and persuade Manic Girl to open the door. She is instantly jumped upon by non-nasty but insistent police which in that state would set you off like nothing else ultra ultra hyper fast confusion high.

What did my head in was watching this and seeing 2 nutters and neither is going fast enough to be vroom-vrooms in the head. Ultra fast whirling cyclone whirlwind centrifuge up into a dimension of pure energy that fast that high why am I so Special?

O I don't know I'm trying to put this in a nutshell. I don't usually watch Casualty i watch Holby City which is set in the same hospital but upstairs and easier to follow that one's on Tuesdays

This is dr Ruth apparently post-suicidal. Never in my life seen this: the only relevant clip of her I can find because she... she's a dr in A&E and I'm me and i don't let Casualty in my house it's boring

OK gotta go. Sleep diary 2130 hrs sleeping pill. Didn't sleep till past midnight 30 distraction ate a pie. Woke up several times in the night my head vo-vo-vo bobibbibingbonganging which I mention to make a point: yeah I can play with anything that happens to me, but this IS me. It's me asleep and awake. I need to remember this for later when I start questioning myself.

O yeah woke up it was dark sometime after 6am got up after half an hour i'm deliberately sleeping as long as i can otherwise i would have got up at 2 or 3. i'm most hyper in the morning, as a very general rule. stress makes me more hyped up into a swoosh swoosh yesterday i couldn't understand what they were saying in that car. Talking about me. Who? My name. Which person? Why me? Are we going to a rave? I said none of this i managed to behave but still said a few things considered rude which to be frank i don't even recall i remember just saying as little as i could unless we were conversing bat and ball really quickly i really liked it when Irish guy next to me said bi-bibb-bibbibop cant rememberwhat or why he was playing i thought yeah cool keeping the vibe alive. it's a real stress trying to behave. i AM responsible I keep my clothes on, i don't hurt anyone, i don't kill myself, i try and be considerate yeah its got this extreme. keys phone. not always money. those are together. she told me a way of keeping myself clean bc other person we know fell apart these methods work. i gotta wash my hair, i gotta wash using a footbowl hot water flannel legs in front of tv for hours easier than shower power hour y'know ok gotta go

11:40 I actually watched that clip. All touching and all that. But what the hell is he doing reading her diary? This is a blog, that is a diary, read someone's personal shit and you get what you deserve. Which is why mine was filled with deliberate lies by the end. I knew who was reading it. Give 'em what they need, the bastards!



10:25 me on tv: i love this this is obviously too QUIET but it's buzzzzzzzzzyy buzzy busy as a bee it's me yumm yumm yummee: have a watch and see:~
THE SOUND NOT THE OLD LADY YOU IDIOT!!

10:43 sorry i'm a bit shouty this morning. i'm seeing a nut dr wednesday. holding out till then. he's like my mind dealer. i have to tell frankness. can't do mindgames. can't do what does he think need want to see believe disbelieve i can only be me me me that's why mental illness isn't illness. not like the people limping you see at Social Security Doctor offices, people pretending to be crazy (looked like he was pretending to be stupid in my view) etc etc there is no need for exaggeration information i tried to tell him when i say a little i mean a little when i say very i mean very i say what i mean what you think i mean otherwise we're on different wavelengths here it's very confusing. i think he's a good doctor. some psychiatrists are shit. now they take me seriously, i can tell. for once in my life. once drugs are out of the way, once i gave clean screens drugs screens once all that heroin was passed i became myself again and i told them every time i try and live without it i fall apart and they think i'm being a neurotic junkie as i say i say what i mean falling apart is falling apart, not being a little bit upset for a couple of days this is what does my head in about doctors assuming i maximise when i can only cope by minimizing, whacking things AWAY, they're not important they don't matter they're not real if they were i would not could not cope thats too much to cope with i can only do one thing at a time i ask him what the thing is then i do it, then he can't say "butyou're not doing it" then i can work myself and change myself i'm not doing counselling i've tried it for years i am pissed off and fed up with that knee jerk idea i already keep a blog which is a photo collection of where i am where i was i am not picking picking picking at scabs, when you have a wound you leave it alone let it heal i'm not into reliving past nastiness that is unhealthy "least said soonest mended" became my motto. not let it all hang out. what hangs out here and now is my own thought pattern, not my life, not the life i don't want to live that's the bad stuff that's what i got taken away from, that's why i call this my Higher Power because it's more Powerful than Heroin and THAT my friends is Power

Saturday After Noon Calm Down

23:22 Here's a calmer tune for y'all
SCOTT GARCIA: IT'S A LONDON THING
UK GARAGE
Melody Lee this is for you. Melody is in New Mexico. They have "underground garage" there. This is UK garage. Underground it ain't. Most dance music is normal as a nice cuppa tea ere....
this tune dates to 1997. BBC Radio 1 started playing it 2 years late forget their own brains one day the BBC will...



14:51 hrs. I'm calm. Calmer than I was before. A thought or a voice is repeatedly saying my name. Thats what was going on today. Things kept echoing every so muchth thought. Not every thought. Not every other one... I can't remember. I didn't count fractions. I will go into the fraction and become a slice of cake. A theoretical one. Which is what a fraction is.

Today I went for a drive. A magical mystery tour. Someone else wanted to score drugs. Ha! Riding about in a car was much more exciting than boring old heroin (didn't even ask).

At the beginning they went nuts because I said don't bring any crack? What?! Crackers or what? What he'd said was something to do with a stone. Thrown to my window. To alert me. Which made me think of crack and go off on one. What REALLY set me off was the sound of my phone alarm clock at 9:30. I'd gone to bed early, woke up very early when it was still dark and got up fairly early when breakfast tv? was on o i don't know 4-6 hours no idea. Aren't I supposed to be keeping a diary. I'm too distracted to be drunk if that's what y'all think. Too distracted to have money which has gone gone no idea where. Everything's "up in purpose" that's what my head says. This is supposed to be a stream of consciousness anyway, innit. Otherwise I'll forget where I've been. But I'm more together than when that really fractured up stuff came out. Me and that are the same, I'm afraid. It takes between 2 and 5 hours [by the clock] of trying to take us apart. And I do try. When it goes really intense, which is at least once per day, it gets intense enough for just words rhyming into chiming concentric magical mystery tour centre of the spiral type experience. To words breaking up. The ends come off and resonate so that is what I think, what I say, what I am. That is what I mean by oingoingoinging. Yesterday I just had noise, like two racing cars or however many cars driving or flying back and forth making a roaring noise. That was my thought. No English in there. That is when I managed to think in French. It calmed me down a little bit. Of course I can engage or disengage to an extent. Which is why I whack a weightless hyperspace tennisball back and forth in my mind, it feels fantastic. That is a way of expending psychic energy. It doesn't set me off. When anything sets me off I go faster and faster into those Intense Zones. I woke up with music going fast round my head and all ping zing zonging. Both times. Yet still managed to sleep! O yeah it was drugs. Prescription drugs. Zopiclone 7.5mg. See you don't need a monster dose.

I'm supposed to find my money card for Monday. And clear up a bit of something in Aladdin's Cave. Aladdin's Cave is what my house feels like. Full of unexpected wonderments. Yet very very stressful to actually engage with. Which sends me off into what I actually have control not to do right now. That sound-think thing.

So that's what's been happening. Hey a clear window. I don't want to come down. I don't want to be a miseryguts.

Hope y'all are having a fantastical weekend and DRUG FREE like me ha ha!


*******************************************
Here's more hardcore:
Seduction: Starlight Judgement Day 1992 2/4



Seduction: Starlight Judgement Day 1992 3/4


Seduction: Starlight Judgement Day 1993 4/4


Seduction 3/4 Quest 1993


Seduction 4 Quest 1993

I'VE DONE TODAY. I got sleeping pills. Prescribed zopiclone 7.5s. Zopiclone is like a vastly superior version of zolpidem I think zolpidem is what Americans mean when they talk about Ambien. Zopiclone 7.5 is the best sleeper by far if you actually want to sleep and not abuse it. I say this as an old dr of mine sniffily described it knowing I was a heroin addict as a drug of abuse it is NOT abusing drugs to sleep when you are on a 26 to 36 to 48 hour sleep cycle. I kept forgetting what time people went to sleep and sleeping when I'd last woken up ie a day and a half later not a day later. Ukkkkkkkkkk.

As y'all can see I'm not going off my tree the way I was this morning. Why was that. I was trying not to do that but the intensity of the clang ang ang ang ong ong bong bing bong ting tongs was too much for my resonating brain not to go into and along with in the absence of any other coping mechanism that makes me not stress higher is the only way to go.

I got rid of teary-eyed friend by saying well if I do go more and more nuts how am I possibly going to handle it and not cause mighty disturbance in your house when you will want to sleep and I can't. That was the gist of it.

Teary eyed friend has enough problems of his own. Bad health problems that are physical not mental in essence. I don't need to upset anyone else.

O man HORRIBLE HISTORIES WHY DO THEY PUT THAT ON KIDDIES TV IT IS SHIT. It is the sort of crap that I remember from childhood. An adult's idea of children's entertainment. Probably only liked by highly bouigo fuckit middleclass kids who have tutors adn private schools and no childhood d why does no channel tune in. Was I so out of it I didn't notice? I don't care i WANT MY TELLY TO WORK.

Did I say I was going to NA today. Yeah I did. Well I will go. At least I seem 2 cause a trail of havoc everywhere I go. There is some fun to be hadn on that. Shame no wheels on the chairs swivel-style in there y'can have some pretty good childish fun on a chair with little wheels that goes like a space rocket and a computer somebody has left on BUT NO PASS CARD ARKHHHHH I COULD HAVE LEFT SOMETHING ENTERTAININGLY INAPPROPRIATE UP.

I just went all over the place into bits of akakakak ak ak ak akkkakakakakakakkaak

kkkkkkkkkkk

but am trying to FOCUS not like a locust hocus pocus opus III

fucking hell i have got to go i thought i was ok every bloody time EVERY TIME every time
i
try
to
focus
i
am
not
NOT

NOT IN ONE PLACE PALACE BUCKINGHAM PALACE.

I once knew someone with Paranoid Schizophrenia who mentioned "going down Buckingham Palace" and thought ... "that's a colourful way of getting arrested" i don't know what i said i certainly didn't try and set him off he was my friend i cannot getin touch with members of a dismantled clique and cliques are what i used to get into fucking psychoanalyse that if you want to waste your time someone else said We are a clique. I thought yeah we are. A heroin clique. With a nice Big Fat Bags dealer every morning. Yummmmmmmmmmmm.
I wonder if lithium is as much fun.
Don't you need a blood test with lithium.
I remember a woman at a psych clinic saying "I'm only here for a blood test" I thought "ha! manic depression" picked up enough bits and pieces over years to recognize that one bloody lithium. doesn't it taste nice sprinkled on fish and chips? i heard it tastes like salt. or is it just "a salt" as PROPER HEROIN is a salt. i wouldn't put THAT on fish and chips. wouldn't do anything with it now. WOULD HAVE put it straight in a vein.
which is why it is a salt
as HEROIN BASE IS CRAP why the HELL do they inflict that on us
no wonder i gave up
CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CARP IT IS DETERMINED TO TALK ABOUT JAPANESE FISH SO CARP ON.
What the hell was I on about. O yeah the chocolate dark gear sb mentioned with speckles in it, always had when i came across it, i used to love that one. really nice and strong. one of my favourites. another was beige and cooked up golden brown (not dark mahogany as recent)... cat litter (grey chunks) i loved. white was my favourite. white base. PROPER H4 white. THAT IS WHAT I LIKED.
note the past tense
what the hell am i going on about
i am tired
and
supposed
to be going to a fucking meeting which is isnt what which what ot not plot uu o stoppid just stop it.
The incoherence is mental. This thing keeps running off with ideas of its own stupid thing. I made a good joke earlier about a vespa scooter. To someone who only rides 1100cc with leathers and "back support" (what is that?)
i had some vivid headfucker fun by mentioning skin grafts as sequaelaeaeaeaeaea to a bike accident (if you don't wear leathers) ukkkkkkkkkkk
ko cor man gotta go go go go (not GO) i WOULD Have lamped somebody at some point. i "put a bad vibe in the room" by sharing at the last NA 2 days ago RANTING AWAY IN FURY.
of course they all think it is CRACK why would i POSSIBLY WANT TO SMOKE/INJECT COULD WOULD NOT EVER WASTE TIME SPLIFFING IT FUCKING HELL SOME WOMAN ONCE AT A MEETING SNOBBILY "ONLY SMOKED IT IN A SPLIFF SPLIFF PLIFF FUCKING SHUTTUP MAKING ME FEEL LIKE AN OLD JUNKIE I HATED THOSE FUCKING MEETINGS being the person in the room with the worst habit bar one time it made me want to puke also DARING CONTRADICT SOMEONE causing more hassle than it was worth these aw
were not NA
they were other meetings that are put together for anyone who wants to go.
I think some had offenders in them but they aren't punishment meetings when you have to bang on about shoplifting for 2 hours every morning or afternoon or be arrested. Then you can score outside. RIGHT OUTISIDE or find someone to pipe with if piping in company is your thing.
gotta lotta free crack that way when i did it
people who can't even smoke on their own whats wrong with them ha ha
ha ha ha only time i truly binged 20, 20, 20, 20, 20 £££££ was when someone else was paying. i binged at a far slower rate. i binged speedballs. i won't call them snowballs as snowballs are also advocaat and lemonade or more properly beautiful round pills that are trippy and strong and delicious from late 1992
should i avoid INJECTED WITH A POISON the "song" i never heard that one at a rave it was on Ultimate Rave II type compilations. not bc of ANYTHING TO DO WITH MY TAKING DRUGS NOW BECAUSE I DON'T DON'T DON'T
DO I NEED TO REPEAT THIS FOR AN ENTIRE PAGE
THAT I TAKE NO DRUGS AT ALL.
I HAD ONE BLACK COFFEE AND WAS ALREADY BOUNCING OFF WALLS AND PINGPONGONGONGONGONGINILNGNGINGINGGLNILGNG IN MY HEAD BY THE TIME COFFEE 2 HAD GONE COLD
that is what i meant by cocaine on the brain. COFFEE
bloody hell how can coffee possibly be so
strong??????????????????!!!!!????!??!?!?!?!??!?!?!?
o i'm off now there is no

i can't concentrate to write

i decidede to post

i left a real bingkers bonkers manicshamanic Anna Grace finally admitted to using heroin again it's only been going on a short time. She is an addict with lots of problems including childhood ADD which was treated with Ritalin. From a young age. And bipolar. Which manifested BEFORE HEROIN ADDICTION. I really really think people who want to be so openly judgemental on that girls blog should fucking do one i'm getting more and more angry with them tghey want to shut up
and also perhaps think of leaving at least a street name or a made up name
so they are not just some random anonymous hwo you cant tell is anon1 anon2 anon3 anon4 or more

ok that's about it
probably off to NA
making no promises

will try i'm not entirely sure NA is the place to be. not at all.
there's healing. there is an obsession with drugs
which does my head in i don't need any bloody drugs doncha all get that
how can you POSSIBLY THINK OF DOING A PIPE ON CRACK WHEN YOU'RE AS HIGH AS I AM ALREADY THAT IS ABSOLUTELY CRAZY THAT IS HOW YOU GO SO BADLY COCKADOODLES YOU REALLY MIGHT CAUSE SOME TERRIBLE HARM
i may be a recovering junkie but i'm not StUPID
"stupid" not saint Upid. cupid. arrow. needle. in the arm. leg. finger linger push in
heroin
flow
go

go to NA.


thanks for all the comments i am going to have to read them about 4 times to know i have got what anybody actually said o why o why actually this does explain something

i can't be bothered explaining. to do with a bad attention span. bad to terminal but alive doesn't terminal mean ill? or an aeroplane terminal or a train terminal/us all of us at St Pancras station you can get to Paris there I wish I was in Paris hey I ...........

............will leave it there why do i sound so fucking out of it i'm so tired i need to sleep

18:01 OK this is opus iii
i once shared a house with somebody who went to school with kirsty hirkshaw whateverthefuckhernameis and said she was a real prissy person, which is kind of ironic when you see the person she turned into ie probably she is a person like me who was one person at one time and another at another so fucking what anyway WHAT THE HELL IS THE LABEL OLD SCHOOL DOING ON THIS this was only ever derivative music, never "rave" maybe like the prodigy it was played on white label before being released in a pop format with professional video, i remember her on top of the pops twiddling chinese shiny hand balls



ps ideas please and quick: i'm leaving for NA within the hour it's just after 6pm.
Shall I wind 'em all up by saying my Dear Old Aunt died leaving me a half mil which I'm blowing on crack and nearly all out?
Or shall I tell BITTER UNVARNISHED FULL-ON DETAILED (AND THIS REALLY WILL SEND ME OFF) GREAT FUCKING AAKAKDKDKADSKDSKFANESS THING???????
Or tell a grown up yeah boring crap this is probably what I'm meant to do:
shall I be a bit circumspect and say o i'm not coping very well and it's an ongoing problem that started before the drugs
well i think i have my answer and i am trying to be calm i don't feel it i don't feel calm
going to na sets me off
being there there is a serenity. i don't feel it as such, i feel less hyped up in there
o somebody say something please. Anyway

oh fucking hell what am i saying nobody who knows their coke and knows britain would blow a half mil on the crap they were selling last time i was into crack. you'd make up your own coke freebase. FAR wiser (crackhead-wise!!)
(are crackheads ever wise?)
only at doing a lot of fucked up things they probably wouldnnt be proud of later!

Schizophrenia

07:07 I HEARD A VOICES SAYING NERVOUS BREAKDOWN AND SCHIZOPHRENIA. They ruined last night.

Schizophrenia Screening Quiz
Please note, this quiz has limited validity.
Please interpret the below results cautiously.


You scored a total of 34
You scored a total of 86

Based upon your responses to this schizophrenia screening measure, you appear to have some early signs commonly associated with schizophrenia or a schizophrenia-related disorder. Your responses are similar to others who experience early symptoms of schizophrenia or a schizophrenia-related disorder. Because no online test is 100% accurate, please be aware that this does not necessarily mean you do have schizophrenia, only that this particular quiz found sufficient evidence to suggest that you may.

You should not take this as a diagnosis of any sort, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek further verification and to see if you qualify for a schizophrenia or schizophrenia-related diagnosis from a trained mental health professional as soon as possible in order to rule out a possible schizophrenia or psychotic disorder.

The most common schizophrenia disorders diagnosed are: Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective Disorder, and Schizophreniform Disorder.

Yeah I did a quiz twice before and after writing most of this. I can, especially now, only answer re a viewpoint of mine in a split second in time. Thinking of every possible permutation of what everything means/might mean/represents to me/others/you/some person future/my own future self i cannot do it does my head in. this is the fly-eye vision i have, to which that voice last night was obliquely referring. doesn't schiz mean a split-up mind? if it does and my own split-up-ness concurr then i spose i'm schiz, but only a dr can diagnose that.

last time i saw a shrink, bear in mind i thought i was normal, maybe a bit hyper. now i look back and see i was full-on +3 manic on my own rating scale (with +4 as psychotic manic). I was paranoid enough to be close to assaulting one perticular individual on the bus-ride there, for insulting me twice using exactly the same wording, but I wasn't floridly psychotic... anyway part of what I ranted at him went along the lines of "ha! you can't diagnose me manic because I have to be excited for a whole week and it's only been 5 days..." i carefully looked back and it was 8 to 9 days up, counting first instance of hearing voices as the start. definitely. which puts me into that dreadful DSM diagnostic trap. not to mention my own behaviour. it was in THAT context that i was asked "what do you know about schizophrenia". despite my paranoia centred upon this dr last night, believing he was out to get me, i do trust him more than any psychiatrist i've ever had. he's head and shoulders better. i'm usually a good-to-superb judge of character (though i don't claim infallibility, like everyone i've made dreadful mistakes, and also let WANTING something be override what i actually saw and really in my heart knew, if only id listened...) anyway his question made me ponder the matter far more than was comfortable. i wasn't allowed to google, read or look up anything until the fearsomely intense symptoms receded, and i felt more together, which took perhaps a month from that appointment, even though the "mania" or "mixed affective episode" only lasted maybe 10 days, 2 weeks tops before re-transforming into my characteristic depression... anyway i did eventually have a very quick look through the diagnostic criteria for schizophrenia which I had seen and remembered as wide open. that's because schizophrenia is diagnosed in the ABSENCE of prominent mood symptoms ie you think bipolar and depression first, schizophrenia and related illnesses second.

theoretically ANY symptom of schizophrenia can appear in bipolar. I've gone beyond the possibility that what's wrong with me is called "Depression with psychotic features", even mood-incongruent ones (which I have). Depression never feels good. What I have can feel fantastic. It can be terrifying. It can be very upsetting. It can hurt me a lot. It can do all those things and it can make me feel very blank. Last time I was really ill I remember feeling strongly that I didn't exist. The world was real; I was not. That's because I no longer WAS who I'd been I really was all bashed up!

The features schizophrenia has that are NOT usually in mania especially are socalled negative or deficit features. That is, disorders of volition. I very often feel like I'm shouting at somebody behind bullet proof glass. Someone who just won't listen to me, despite the urgency of action required. I'm reminded of the time I was threatened with homelessness. Instead of panicking I instantly went unreal. Moved my stuff to a friend's house rather than engaging with the local council (my landlord). And only actually made it down the council at 4pm, despite the situation. Where I remember the lady talking to me as if I was six. Saying loudly that I "looked a bit confused". Confused? You can say that again. It's these things, and my inability to do stuff or TOTAL UTTER LAZINESS whatever you want to call it. Eg I should have gone laundrette yesterday I just could not do it. I should clean my house I cannot face it. Whether high or low, which runs totally contrary to mania as traditionally envisaged, where people are ultra-involved. I'm involved/disinvolved in everything in every way. I'm a person of opposites, always have been.

no i don't feel people understand me at all. those test-writers really put their finger on it with that one. i feel especially misunderstood at na because they're looking at me through junkie-goggles. i don't FEEL like a junkie i'm fighting something way more formidable than drug addiction ever was; i can feel it; i can tell. It knocks me sideways, it upsets me, it rips into my life in a way not even drugs could do. and it makes me more unstable than i ever was on drugs. i barely think about heroin at all. that is the truth. i'm not craving. every often i semi-automatically want to go score: i need only remember i don't want to do it to squash that one. I won't harp on about na negatives as it's a positive place but i do wonder what they'd think of me if I snapped I HEARD VOICES TALKING TO AND ABOUT ME ALL THE WAY HERE. what they hear is "i'm an anxious/depressed junkie and think i'm ok bc i'm raging one minute, smiling the next yet can't focus on anything at all for any time which they think is drugs. drugs focused me in a way more, not less. every single one i can think of gave me a sense of inner peace, weather it was an upper or downer (not psychedelics though, apart from e which is semi-psychedelic, more transcendent than truly psychedelic...)
and no i don't think i'm "suffering more" than another addict.
i know i'm SUFFERING LESS that is the very point!!
i got what Sid gets from Ibogaine, which costs over £1000 a pop, FOR FREE. And it worked for me. Whatever bad it did, it distracted me from an addiction that nothing could break. Certainly not piss-weak methadone against industrial-steel heroin. As Mother Hubbs used to say, 60mg methadone is equivalent to a £10 bag as was, pre-drought. Meaning you need 120mg to equate a £20 a day habit IV. This is somebody who is a bit discriminating in who they score off. Neither one of us would EVER ring someone we don't want to just to keep a connexion open. I never did that. I scored off the same person for weeks on end as long as they were serving up and still had the good stuff. If it went bad they'd not hear from me until i got a promise all was OK. Heroin is Food of the Gods and anybody who dares sell rubbish is commiting a Crime Against Junkiedom ~ a highly serious matter!
Wow I feel a whole lot more together than I did last night. I need sleep now; it's 20 to 8 and I'm exhausted.

And yet again I've strayed into territory that makes me highly uncomfortable online. Because this really is very personal. I am not comfortable talking online about being near- mentally raped. I'm ashamed to talk about cracking up. I'm embarrassed to have been so very frank. I feel idiotic to have repeated myself so many times, though I only do this so somebody finding one single post by a google search can comprehend it without reading multiple days in both directions... I feel wide open, exposed, when I want to curl up and hide. I feel very hurt and very upset. Among many other things I feel these and if I dwell on them I really will get extremely upset so I'm derailing that train into a chinchilla did you know the fat furries need a marble in summer? Not a little rock-ball or glass ball. A stone chopping board you store in the freezer to take out in high summer for them to lie on, as their heavily furred mountain mars-bunnies. Sorry if that sounds irrelelvant but I can't think about THAT any more.

One last thing: when I talk about "not allowed" it's ME not allowing myself. I do have iron will you know. It is this will pushing me into territory I'm frankly miserable blogging about but I've gone this far, why not totally humiliate myself, y'know..? Iron will and lack of volition can go together. I never expected to find pictures illustrating what I feel you don't understand but here they are. Those images are what I feel, what I try to tell you, what I don't feel you see, but I feel. That.

(Especially picture one, the top one. That's exactly what I am. (But that colour lippie doesn't suit me))

I wish I could find a rave track to perk things up. I could do with some "euphoric recall"..! And I'm posting this NOW with no glancing-over. Else it won't get done, I'll be too self-conscious to do it so here goes...###!

No I don't "think" I've got schizophrenia. I don't "think" any one thing. I think lots of things and know nothing! I'm well aware that drugs drugs drugs have done me no good at all for a long long time, but I'm come to a point where I have to help myself and I don't know how. That's the point!!

09:57 That Jeremy Kyle is on. Always makes someone else's problem his own. But not in an Oprah-like way. (I say this for folks in foreign lands obviously. We're all sick of yet addicted to the bastard.) Like a rude, intrusive diametrical opposite of Oprah.

Just met 2 guys from NA in a van I was off me head. Shambling along the street. One said "when you've dropped the drugs..." which made me laugh my head off. Couldn't stop smiling anyway. Nothing wrong with being happy. Doesn't mean I'm on drugs. Means I'm on the magical powers of Walking Somewhere. And just happy. Woo

LEFTFIELD: (thanks Lizzie) Not Forgotten

NA Again

THIS MORNING I heard the landlord's man saying "I'm outside the house" through my open window, then I heard him a few hours later on the phone talking about having moved my bed. I heard him. I'm questioning whether he was real now. Because just before I went to this meeting I heard several voices amongst random teasipping flowershop driving a car and buttering toast type things a woman said in one ear "nervous breakdown" then a male voice speeded up said a few minutes later in the other "schizophrenia" and this put me on a real downer. Usually I don't let them get to me but tonight they did. And now they know because if they can't read my mind, they can read my blog.

All the way there people were talking about me or I felt they were or saying weird things really wierd things like conversation at a rave club chillout room at 5am everybody drugged talking at rather than 2 and me saying nothing it fracturing in.
The meeting was OK I calmed down a lot in there. People talk about serenity well I did find a bit at least. But as I think I said in version 2 below as soon as I went to the loo the literal madness came back and was back all the way home and is still with me now at varying degrees at varying times but always still here. I feel like a starburst, a kaleidoscope, not a whole person not broken but funkily rearranged in a weird way I cannot say why or how or wherefore I can describe as best I can what follows is a deliberate speed of consciousness. Stream (steam train) of consciousness. And here we go:~

A letter to self. To future self. if I ever ever have a self back again this is for me, not for you but for me. I wasn't sure who it was to now I know...

22:51 18 Jan 2011 after NA
DUDE dude methadone disabled disability. Church. Satnus. The dmmmf kept going all the way there. That is the way my mind is going. No laundrette. Cleanest clothes I could muster. V bad paranoid mood everybody talking shit on bus all the way there. A rattle-voiced old man saying "hallelujah!" and "have a nice day" I don't know if he was trips and dripping on peaches or not. Then two crack dealers discussing my habit at the back and a kid at the front who sounded like a rave sample. These people were there. I saw them. But the voices in/from/around my head I didn't see but they followed me into the meeting where I eventually found some peace but was hearing them again the minute I was in the toilet which was like Aladdins Cave. I keep getting told to keep coming back. I complained about being judged for being on drugs when I'm not on drugs. What has made my brain go kaleidoscopic? All nuts all these ways every which way and all at once surrounded by itself in pieces like that kaleidoscopic. I'm not editing my grammar you wanna know how I think how I am this is it. Hey McDonalds very fucking rude dismissive but had to serve me woman did me x2 double cheeseburgers for about £2.80. Aren't they $1 each in the USA? Ripoffsville Britain how typical $2=£1.20 not £2.80!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am fed up tired and happy and want to laugh and everything all at the same time dude my computer dude dude. Why do people say dood. Wow. That's what I'm wondering. Christmas Carol Vorderman McGiffin. Akkh so that's it it it o fuck it this is an essay in selfwanderingness shall I post it and go or not go i will timestamp it and save for later. Not in mood to be judged yet again.

Illustrated: was looking for "henchman" as in my landlord's henchman. That word appears in Snow White so I googled Snow White Henchman and found gnomes like Itchy, Bashful, Spherical my robo-hammies (in name). Ha not so crazy now am I. I am quite sane... oh I don't know what is happening to me does anybody know?? Be honest I'm not taking drugs why does it go then come again then??

OK Voices I admit it you won tonight. You set me off on one. You won. Tonight.
That battle is won. The war ain't over.

PS 23:26 I read the top part 2 back methadone disability. Is that what's causing all of this? Methadone? Wouldn't surprise me at all. That a drug given by you know who is sending me mad. So what do I do?? Stop taking it? Take what? Cold turkey really sends me round the twist my family have seen me go and that was very mild compared to recently. Can't they give me something else? Or are they going to start playing mindgames? And where does the mindgame end and All Else begin? Biggest Question. And is this better than normality as I previously knew it I'm not sure. I'm not sure where I'm going. The TV looks amazing it's cartooning in the snow, no aerial but moving images in snow sometimes they look amazing. So am I tripping then? On what precisely??
[the sound is there, the visual channel half there through snow, it's enhanced in the most amazing way...]
Please somebody if you have one give a sensible answer.

23:44 just remembered supposed to rate mood? was it. that scale doesn't fit i was very para and then angry and then relaxed but trippy and now uptight and not feeling good but tired will try and sleep early exhausted don't feel i'm getting better though i feel it's getting worse hence need to scrap old scale and invent a new one that gives more separate biorhythms/mindrhythms

Drink: 3 cans so far but not into finishing can 4 (barely started) each is half litre 7.5% alcohol

PRAGA KHAN: INJECTED WITH A POISON
There's a rainbow inside your mind... injected with a poison: we don't need that any more
Sums up what my attitude to heroin used to be; is again



03:37 I had forgotten how hyped-up that tune sounded. Don't wanna sleep anymore. It will only bring me down. I wanna wake up buzzing like I did the other day, buzzing and rushing on free natural neurotransmitter ecstasy

06:00 eh! now look what I found. i clicked trish li going cuckoo, she's so funny she makes me laugh. what i didn't put is that she and i act a little bit the same. when i had hamsters i talked to them sometimes the way she's talking to her surroundings. i continued talking when they were dead, because the words were stuck in my head. yeah i have mental health problems. anyway: this vid shows another woman who is also manic but presents very differently. to me, she's acting way more like someone on uppers. more composed. speaking very fast. they call her grandiose but she's not that grandiose at all. thinks she has lots of money but there's none of the raging ego i've seen in the mental hospital in two particular patients of four i engaged with (one was very paranoid, the other very hyper and euphoric ~ these two patients i'm thinking of were boorishly boringly egocentric. the sort of person you don't really find interesting after a while, they're so arrogant, so into bigging themself up, though i liked one for the rest of his personality... point being notice how less fidgety and hypekinetic this black woman is than trisch. to me that is the difference between uppers and natural hyper. though the drug is called "speed" the natural version is way way faster and way more powerful. the euphoria of the drug can be intense and the drugged mood is more stable than the natural high, which switches in me into irritation very easily, not to mention paranoia; it also fluctuates during the day by a factor of up to ten... and as i said before ~ moving around, walking when i have to go somewhere, that really brings me up nicely. sitting in a chair doing nothing, i actually start coming down slightly... i can feel a high off caffeine that would make it illegal if you normally got it. alcohol can take some of the jittery edge off and further intensify a high into something really really nice, but you don't need a lot of drink to do it, just a single can or so. o yeah and ive had 5 cans today. so my drinking has gone up. and no i don't know what is causing mine. those 2 ladies are called manic, i don't know what i am, i just feel high and low and paranoia and tripping at different times, sometimes all together. what is that???

Today, this afternoon, here just me ha ha hee hee

AKH i couldn't sleep last night!! up till well past 6. i slept from sometime around 7 till a couple of mins past 1pm. Carol McGiffin was on Loose Women. Loose Women is like that American tellyprog where Whoopi Goldberg comes on and talks, it's supposed to be like that but less substantial (unusually: transatlantic thihgs often go the opposite way round as y'all might have noticed). yeah i woke up with my head buzzing music words yeah yeah ha ha from the second i woke up this means i am hyper ane enjoying it. if the methadone chemist dare gives a "you're on crack look" I will yell I'M NOT SLEEPING I'M ON NOTHING. i actually forgot to go to bed last night. well not that i usually need to remember. within 24 minus however many hours i sleep, give or take 2 or 3 i'm out for the count. this time it took a good 26+ hours to go, i had pictures behind my eyes that were really cool, like when you're heavily stoned on cannabis or mildly stoned (in my case) (what does happen to other people? i've no idea really............) {not the ultra-bright imagery i mentioned before, more vivid hypnogogia the second eyes are closed in full consciousness}
yeah yeah what gotta go fucking chemist not in mood for that little escapade being judged YET AGAIN. all that could ice my present cake is the landlord if he really wants to be yelled at i'm in the mood to GO. do you know i have never actually lamped someone my entire life, apart from very childish behaviour in primary school. never actually got into a fight because in my ordinary state i would never rise to one. i think you're giving somebody one over you if you let them get to you. you shouldn't hang your feellings on someone else, ESPECIALLY in a relationship. listen to amy winehouse's lyrics. that girl has a lot of growing up to do, or did when she last put out some music.

i think that one's messed up a possible international career for good. she'll always have a career in britain because once you make it here and are able to connect to your audience you always will have a career. it's much easier to be a star here than the usa, just read a few biogs if you don't believe me. i used to love life stories of famous, or more to the point high-accomplishing people because i took inspiration from them. this was before the current trend for giant-print (ie hardly any content) written in 2-weeks, never even met a friend of the person just collated press clippings and got £20 grand or so for a book on somebody like KERRY CATONA. i of all people shouldn't label anybody else a train-wreck but i do look at her sometimes and think bloody hell WHAT is she doing? supposedly bipolar though i've never seen it. you wanna see bipolar, look at frank bruno on This Morning ~ really entertaining slightly inappropriate wording. it's his overall demeanour that's manic he was so funny. he always has been funny. frank bruno is a boxer. i once won £10 by betting tyson would knock him out in round 3. never made money on a dog. can do boxing and horses. horses i pick like a girl, by the name and the odds. if 3 horses in one race are at 3 to 1 there's little point putting money on a 6 to 1. i bet at about 6 to one when that's the 3rd or 4th horse down in level of odds. really even odds mean there's little point betting on another horse. i've won a few times on horses. dogs i do not understand. hamster betting i might be good at.

talking bipolar i just remembered the biggest load of cowshit i have ever seen. mike tyson and his ex wife robin something on tv with him obviously chemical-coshed and her ruling over him with the word "bipolar" as the stick to beat him. i'm not posting the youtube you go find it yourself if you want it, but that is bullshit when i see it.

what am i fucking talking about/?? well nothing doing so far except me swaying in the chair feeling nice nice way nicer than yesterday night i really felt awful bordering on desperate yesterday evening

drinking: i had 4 cans and i just deleted a load of expletives as i don't want to aleinate anybody by being my idiot self yes 4 cans is DOUBLE the day before big fucking wow

today so far, 1 can. o hang on was it 5 yesterday...? I don't think so i am pretty sure it was 4. mood yesterday bottomed out -3 for a good 6 hours rest of the time at night weirdly sistant mild euphoria mingled with urge to cry that's all i can say on that score i'm supposed to rate myself not by the plus minus scheme i invented but a more biorhythmic one where sleep, appetite, euphoria/dysphoria, mental energy, physical energy etc are rated separately that's because they don't always go up and down in sync hence the weirder symptoms when it stops being just a bit whacky and is mentally ill with a nasty sounding label. well i fried my brains on acid didn't i so what can i expect

anna grace WILL YOU POST SOMETHING ON YOUR BLOG. NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW do it NOW SAY IT NOW DO IT NOW DO IT DO IT DO IT ANNA LISTEN TO ME OBEY ME DO AS I SAY

this isn't the clip i meant this is far more recent with holly willoghby presenting. she looks really good in a dress, like my ex did, turn sideways there's a hip-to-thigh shiny S. when i put on the dress it nearly burst at the shoulders and was empty where it looks sexy on her yeah bc i wear women's clothing so very frequently along with decleor fuckit i don't even know what the shit is called

going to see my friend, my old friend rebsie who i met, weirdly when on the pipe but not on the pipe end of last year we have in common a not bothering with gear despite her 35 year habit my 10 year habit and i love her, even though i fucked her off for about 5 years which isn't personal it's me drifting away or her drifting away if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my freinds friendship lasts for ever, friendship never ends.... i texted her an hour ago im going down there later on



Illustrated: Bruno/Tyson fight; Carol McGiffin (Rebsie my friend looks like and is like her sister); Kerry Katona; Holly Willoughby in a dress

Online NA meetings UK: Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday 19:30 hrs local time. That is 2:30pm Eastern; 11:30am Pacific; 20:30 Central Europe; 06:30 Australia. If you're reading this long after it was posted bear in mind time differences alter in summer

Sunday night

I HAVE NOT GIVEN UP BLOGGING I AM STILL HERE AND WILL BE UNTIL LIFE OR DEATH PREVENTS ME.

17:12 I FEEL really really upset. Somewhere sometime I have done totally the wrong thing and now I'm paying for it. I don't know what to do except a whole load of nots. Not drinking being a big one.

The rest of it is stuff that I don't want to face. I don't want to do anything at all. I'm totally sick and tired and I have had enough.

22:03 I went abysmally low this evening I really felt bad. i went out to get money from someone who owed me £20. my old best dealer had just come back on. my first reaction after being told at the end of my road was to ring straight away. then i thought hang on a sec you don't need that.

even if the gear had been ok which i doubt it would only have set me back and i'd have to go through all the same stuff. i was lucky enough to be crazed through the first 14 days which is supposed to be the worst even if it is just methadone switchover.

Still, I went out and got a £20 I was owed, the person wanted to pay in 3 days time but I said no I need it now. So I had the option to use and declined the option.

A pervert tried to pick me up on the way home. This did nothing to help my frame of mind.

The gist of what went through my head was repeated aloud a couple of minutes later. I was hearing myself, someone was repeating me, whatever I wasn't really listening. I went home and stood outside my house but didn't want to go in. So I walked round and round the block, not wanting to be anywhere. It started to rain, I didn't want to go inside.

I went to the Mongolian Chinese takeaway, finally it was open. Somebody else was standing there I couldn't face another person so I handed over my cash and went outside in the rain on the pretence of smoking. Rather get wet than be near another person. Sorry: simple truth.

I still can't eat because I feel sick. Chicken curry mix vegetable fried rice is my favourite meal it's half left at ten to midnight I can't handle it.

I had 3 drinks. Drink number 3 made me feel a bit better. I got another just now it's going in the fridge.

How I'm going to give up the only crutch I have left I cannot envisage. No I don't feel powerless over drink. What I see is a future where the one thing that holds me together goes and I fracture up. Imagine you took a chisel to your own reflection and smashed the mirror so none of you connected any more? That's how I feel when I crack up. I feel ill now. Better than before; still ill. I'm going to bed I've had it with today.

3:30am still awake. It occurred to me a couple of hours ago that come 4am I'll have been awake 24 hours, that this isn't normal. I tried to sleep. Not in mood for it. Appetite terrible, did force entire Chinese takeaway down throat over course of 5 hours. Usually I'd eat half, then eat the other half a couple of hours later.

I'm back on the black coffee.

Yeah earlier on I went into real depression only for a few hours, I don't really feel too "well" now. Yeah it could have been a bad mood. A bad mood where you hear echo-thoughts, are too low to go in your own house and would rather walk aimlessly in the rain than be inside even though you've fallen out with nobody, are avoiding nobody who's there. The reason I wasn't at home was that I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to be anywhere so I walked on and on and round and round and up and down the road. I could not engage with myself with anyone else with food with sleep. I am engaging with ITV Nightscreen purely for the music. And coffee and cigarettes. And that's it.

I'm going as long as possible on no sleep at all. See if I can break my 4-day zero hours record.

So there's self indulgent post number infinity+1.

Did anybody out there know Trisch Li personally? Trisch Li as featured in "phone calls to Jen" videos posted over last few days....? Please get in touch.

I'm posting this without reading back, not in mood.

Here's how you do a chart that shows how you feel. Mine was too simple. Dur.

06:30 Uuuuuuuuh. I don't really wanna go more than 4 days without sleep, but what do you do when you can't? I'm gonna bed now. At last. Ignore the rave videos unless euphoric recall is appropriate (got that expression from NA, doncha love it?!)

LIQUID: SWEET HARMONY
I don't know if the vid looks as terrible on yours as on mine. Like heavy psychedelic without ya contact lenses in:~



PRODIGY: EVERYBODY IN THE PLACE
I remember this being played at 6am on white label in a barn in Thetford forest, Norfolk, tripping on Domes/snowball Es.... wooo

Off

I'M SWITCHING OFF. I'm sick to death of any talk of how I feel and what has happened and what it might or might not be and blah blah blah it's all too much, I'm fed up, I feel sick and tired and still not well and I've had enough. I said I would do a drink diary I don't mind posting that. The mood thing I might go on trying it online for a day or two but I feel too exposed too nauseated too confused to be posting stuff about what was basically the nastiest thing that has ever happened to me. Now I'm switching this machine off; it has been glaring at me all day between lots of other things that were basically just time-wasting. I have to find a life somewhere and I won't find it online.

Drink/etc Diary Day 1 (Saturday)

I SLEPT! 4(ish)PM TILL 4AM. 12 glorious hours. I dreamt about this boy I went to school with at my 1st 2ndary school. He left midway through the first year because his parents moved to Bedford. Then came back, still living in Bedford. His Dad still worked in London or Hertfordshire (where we were) and drove him in every day. The time before when I slept, with the exception of an hour or 90 mins early Saturday morn was Thursday afternoon into Thursday evening when I dreamt I was in Madonna's house. I found a crappy old radio in the corner, picked it up and said "whose is this?" and Madonna said "that belonged to my mother". Then I realized I had really upset her and Madonna started ignoring me. Madonna's mother died when she was about 6. She says it was the worst thing to happen in her life.

OK I said I would do an alcohol diary. I had 2 cans, 1 litre. 7.5% ie 75mls alcohol, 7.5 units. Being as I partly couldn't and partly didn't want to sleep and was drinking quite a bit of black coffee, I set my mood from -.15 to +1.5 peak then it dropped back to -1.5 because I was exhausted I felt sick, hungry but couldn't eat.

OK IF YOU'RE AS BORED AS ME OF MENTAL HEALTH SHIT SKIP THE ITALICS.

The mood scale works like this. Zero means absolutely normal and not at all depressed. If something funny came on telly I would laugh my head off. If something good happened I would feel really good. -1 is noticeably depressed but able to shrug it off, except it returns within half an hour. I distract myself a lot by using the internet. -2 is the higher end of "moderate" on a doctorly scale meaning feeling pretty rough but still able to act out, sometimes snap out of it except it crashes back, still able to use distraction. I could sleep 10 hours every night. -3 is the worst I usually get, lower end of "moderate" meaning absolutely abysmal mood. Whereas suicide crosses my head in any low, here the impulse or fantasy to do it can get relentless and I just want to curl up and die. Self-esteem goes low, concentration is terrible, I can write but not read much. I can sleep 14-17 hours or longer every day. -4 is very rare for me, I've only ever been down here for hours or days at a time, it means total incapacitation, staring into space, unable to put on any meaningful act. I feel broken and injured, totally worthless, guilty and filthy. I don't feel suicidal, this has always felt like the very end, life is over. You can start tripping out in this state but I've never tripped intensely (thank God). -4.5 would be so bad I wouldn't be blogging at all, not even single lines. I hope I never go that low. In this state they'd seriously think of ECTing you. ECT is the treatment I least want. I know someone who had it and had half a life wiped away. Google ECT, you'll find witness to this fact. Look at what doctors say, they'll never admit it happens apart from "partially impaired short term memory loss". Yeah I know a lot about this subject I used to have a stock of how to (or rather how not to) books with titles like Depression Workbook. Ukh. Lent them all away and sold the rest for heroin money.

O crap, now I have to explain pluses. OK here we go. When we get to the + and - 2s and higher bear in mind not everything happens at every moment, most things happen at some time while it's going on:

+1 hyperthymia means a good mood, a really nice buoyant good mood like swimming floats you cannot push it down in my late 20s I'd get like this, constantly, days at a time, but it always meant depression was on the way or I'd just come out of it (ain't life great); +2 hypomania racing thoughts or thoughts flooding the head, distractable, disinhibited, pacing, euphoric and/or irritable, like being on speed. Urge to say stupid stuff, eg repeating same words/phrases over and over, or doing it in head. I used to get flashes of this over the past few years, I just thought it was the heroin now I'm not too sure. +3 mania very disinhibited, saying inappropriate things though I'm not an impulsive person and try not to, periodically rushing high alternating with crystal clear shining mental state, irritability tipping into rage: especially at psychiatrists and drug services, endless composition of letters, posts, monologues in head or online, cannot sleep more than 4 hours max, bad paranoia, don't want to go outside. I was in this state when I saw the shrink last time (unfortunately, now I can't get out of what I rantingly told him), some hallucinations eg hearing words spoken by the tap when it runs +4 hearing voices, floridly at the peak, visual hallucinations e.g. seeing fur growing out of everything, flashes of light, Northern Lights style visuals, lights outside look amazing, police car lights make me ecstatic, extreme paranoia, people are talking about me, intruders in the house, irrational thinking though I'm a very sane person and can still distinguish or remember what's meant to be normal. Like the effects of an extreme crack/uppers binge when you've lost it and just cannot come down. No sleep at all at the very peak. Head feels like national electricity grid wired through brain. Eyes closed my mind is lit up like a TV set, brightly with constant moving pictures. This is what happened in early December it was only this bad for about 2.5 days. Into this got mixed depression of the worst type and suicidal urges which were extreme and terrifying. I wasn't even thinking English at some points just bing bing bang bong ong ong ong! Still able to write and post despite all this. Can't get head round stuff like texting on phone, signing into email, putting key in lock though. Bear in mind I can type by touch so typing is dead easy +4.5 you'd be totally incoherent, wouldn't know what you were doing, where you were going, why you were there, what was happening, could do anything and not know it. Never been this bad, but was able to see this was where it would end up if it got any worse. I've witnessed this from the outside (in nuthouse) it's not pretty. I'm glad I never got this far.

+3 and +4 have only happened once, in December. In summer 2001 I got into a horrible state coming off gear cold turkey, very hyper very depressed. Kept losing touch with what was thinking, what was going on at times. Everybody feels mentally terrible but it was more extreme. This isn't just my opinion the nutnut nurse at the druggie service thought it sounded "manic". Antidepressants (Prozac) used to put me +2 for a few days to a couple of weeks. Last time it was worse and I didn't sleep for 4 days, though i don't remember feeling that euphoric I wrote some ridiculous stuff in a letter to my Gran, I'm so glad I didn't post it. Then I crashed, still on mirtazapine (Remeron/Zispin), still at 30mg a day it bottomed out at -4. For 3 or 4 weeks until someone realized what was going on and I stopped it. I never even knew an antidepressant could make you worse.

OK so that's the scale and it's rated conservatively, you give the minimum applicable number. Feeling really nice for a few minutes doesn't mean a plus whatever that's just feeling really nice. These moods are constant and marked and the more extreme they get so the ability to act normal or snap out of it diminishes, eventually vanishes.

Ukh I'm fed up of all this. I wish I had never seen that dr. I had to. What am I meant to be doing? Cleaning my house. Going to AA. Yeah. House has turned into mess as life turned to chaos this past week. I'm not always the most focused person. Yet I can focus fairly well in certain ways. And nearly everything I am, think and/or feel I'm also the opposite. So I try not to be self indulgent but what is a blog? Self-indulgence of the most extreme kind! Life is like that it doesn't bother me unduly. I'm bothering me far more than anyone else ever has. My own behaviour. Drink drink drinking (still). I shouldn't be drinking 7.5 units a day that's double the maximum recommended allowance. I should be cleaning up. I should be nicely well organized. I should be physically clean. I should cook food from scratch because I know how to do it. I should get up at the same time every day so my sleep cycle is as regular as it can be. I should look through mail that comes and open stuff addressed to me. I should wash my clothes, not sleep in them and buy or at least obtain new ones (you can get free clothes by diving a clothing recycle bin). You can also collect them off the street, which I do. I should also do a million other things I cannot remember/be bothered going into.

That's it. See ya. Wouldn't wanna be ya. Wouldn't wanna be me either. Ha ha har!!!!

Illustrated: top Madonna; bottom Trisch Li or Trishli who appeared in video 1 on Friday manic +3 or more on my lovely scale. In video 2 she's sane and looks amazing. She died 2 years ago. I don't know why. I like her.
You can also find some good links re cocaine or crack psychosis or mood episodes and mixed mood disorders and other nauseating things

PS if you want to see more Trisch Li and Jen on the telephone here's 3 more:

Trisch and Jen on phone 3 Jen's weird night



Trisch Li and Jen on the phone 4



Trischli and Jen on the phone 4 later that night I love the background on this one