Risperidone nonpsychotic

midday: I WOKE UP VERY VERY VERY LATE AT 1030 i took 4mg risperidone, it knocked me out of the ballpark. I had incoherent thought and speech last night, did you know that? I didn't dare phone anyone I wasn't far off saying GAAGAGAGAAGAA AA A AAA AAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA down the phone which i did only once when i was crazy. That is what made x cry. I was going off on one before he phoned then I couldn't just stop. It took hours to come down from that. Come down to a "normal level of mania" from "a high level of mania". See my mood cycles between different levels of elevation and down into mild Siberian depression. It used to go from New York Winter to Icelandic Winter (not usually Greenland or North pole" I only got depressed as the South Pole a very small amount of time.

What was I talking about? Wobbly lines. My wobbly line on a 2 week cycle ie the shape of the wobble is up one week down the next. But always under the water. That's what it used to do that is why I 1st got threatened with lithium.

Now he says "mood stabilizer" hopefully valproate not lithium.

Now my mood fluctuates every single day but mostly it stays OVER the water line of "normality". I was crying just now but not sad. I feel things too intense.

See they were wrong they talk of bipolar as being 3-month, 6-month mood swings. This mood swing happens every day. And you do get diurnal variation of mood in mania. Much more markedly so than in depression. I find. I know all this shit remember I got onto a BSc Psychology course. I wanted to know what makes people different from one another. Which is "individual differences" in psychology. But every single thing you say you must justify. E.g. "it is generally light in the morning and dark in the evening" you'd have to quote Smith & Jones 1995. Ukh. Can't just say it. Drove me potty!

HARDHOUSE MINIMIX
i like the hardcore "acid track" 2nd one
they have deliberately taken the consonants off the vowels of that girl speaking
hardcore motherfucker: likely a South African, they love their hardhouse, as do Aussies and Kiwis and the English



1646 I am now on B. Heroin. It doesn't do anything really. I only took it ... for the sake of it. It doesn't make me less psychotic any more (like it used to) doesn't even out my moods (like it definitely used to, more manic than depressed, it toned down; I had depression for months, like a constant wiggly line under water for months on heroin I refused to lie about my heroin intake at clinic so I said I used "nearly every day" to be first in line when diamorphine got brought in.

I am watching a film called The Prophet about a French prison. It is certificate 18 but with bloody gore. I don't like blood any more. Used not to have any fear when I was banging up every day. Not the slightest flight from blood.

If I were in a french prison I woud do leçons de français. I "speak" French but I speak it so terribly it's unreal. When I started working on my German my German was actually worse. In a bilingual French/German document (or a tin of foreign food) I'd turn to French before German that is because French is easier for lazy people. German I understand FAR better now. I learned a lot. And some idiot called me Nazi for it. The reason for German is simple: MONEY MONEY MONEY! Thee most asked after language among foreign language recruitment specialists. I know because I asked, pushing for an Asian answer. Got a European one back. GERMAN: LANGUAGE OF MONEY. What language appears below foreign technological products in UK advertising apart from English? Only German. French for cosmetics. Italian Spanish, Chinese Thai for food. German for cars, washing machines and electronics. Easy. Money easy money. See?

O shit I'm talking like how I did last night. Still manic you see. A bit. Bit manic.

1726 o man this film bullshits around. Do the Corsican mafia really bother with hashish? When they were already involved in heroin in the mid 60s. This is why I label PARIS centre of heroin in Europe before London was. London was diverted prescription heroin. Paris was Turkish opium refined into H4 in Corsica and Marseilles, sold as heroin in Paris and New York (the French connection). There was a small amount of dealing going on between Laos and Europe too. Which is how so many GIs ended up on heroin. The Lao General (not my Valerie) invented that Double UO Globe brand heroin "best in the world". There's supposed to be an Afghan brand "SW 999" which is high grade white; the stuff I came across I say (purely intuitively I admit) I think was "Chinese"; it came when the ordinary gear supply was heavily droughted in 2008. NOthing to the 2010 drought that was an all time EVER worst no question. Only people who had gear were people who were somehow off-circuit. Eitehr they had multi-month or years' supply or they were scoring off people who had brought it in themselves from outside Europe possibly SE Asia.

Heroin prices even rose in the USA, so I hear. Which goes to show heroin is one market but if Afghanistan goes down as major producer everybody else's price rises. Even Mexican yucky TAR. Thank GOD I Never had to go near that shit. I think I would have committed suicide. I cannot stand low quality gear. My nose is so far out of joint from brown let alone BLACK heroin you cannot know. Proper heroin looks like crack in a rock, like talc as powder. That is heroin. H4. Pure white. No citric required. Fucking citric. Waste of space brown powder lumps how did i EVER get into injecting SHIT LIKE THAT?

I have never had my heroin tested by police. I have never been arrested for possession. So I cannot know the purity. But it chimed starngely with official figures that said 20-60% purity with 40% as (obvious) average. Because the best gear was about x3 stronger than the worst. Simple. And anyone selling shit that weak was off my to do list for weeks at a time mate. No fucking way would I ring them back unless for a samps as they call a free taster. One guy wanted me to test for him but it was my responsibility to weigh how many tens of people's happiness by my own standards when in the thick of the drought really it was a 1/10 or even a 0.5/10 and I'd say 4 to be nice "well it's better than the worst" and put it like that. Then another one wanted me testing. And I don't want anything even free that intertwines me more with scumbags selling HEROIN. So in the end I said NO to it all. Had anough even free shit. Id rather pay my own way when i want. I want it barely ever. You still think i'm a junkie think what you like i live my own life you only get a glimpse. Remember you glimpse from the inside not the outside else you wouldn't want to read me. You would pass a person like me by in the street because I have nothing to offer.

Pinxx keeps ringing me up which is nice. She knows I'm psycho now. She described what happens once you get chemical cosh and it doesn't work as her brain has grown around the haloperidol etc she's been on clozaril/ clozapine is now on quetiapine Seroquel. That's what I'm asking for if this stops working. Only thing is it doesn't work at all for sleep yet makes me coshed sometimes by day. And makes it even harder to do anything than it is anyway. REALLY hard. That's why I can't get round to doing anything like this paints shit if I make a big deal it will be even less likely. It's not just buy something like a tin of beans I have canvas paints brushes all yelling and screaming at me I'm supposed to judge how much how many what which etc etc etc I just need a fucking set of stand up proper System 3 (thick, nonwatery) acrylics. I wish the fucking shop sold them simply I don't even know where to go I can't be doing with pisstake shops that fuck you about on price I need SIMPLE that's all I ask for. Simplicity. Where the hell do I go?

1757 hey do you know one time the police STARED AT ME because and JUST because of this. Fucking self-flatterers: in a garage shop their radio crackled and made me jump out of my skin because it reminded me of hearing voices this was years ago when i used to hear voices when i ran the tap. Off of crack. On nothing I heard voices on heroin to be precise which... well you google if you don't believe me. Google heroin and voices. Google heroin and antipsychotic and you'll get a SHEAF of answers saying YES IT IS ANTIPSYCHOTIC albeit mildly in some people. Stronger in me (as was). Doesn't work any more. So I spin round they think I must be guilty of something. Had no reason to stop me and I wasn't going to say "in the mental hospital I used to think people were on the phones as I could hear the dalek voice coming through the other side of the conversation" they just piss me off ASSUMING everybody is like them. A criminal. Or a would be one. One copper once thought I wanted to stare at a stabbing victim al I wanted was my fucking methadone appointment. Not to be cruel but who fucking cares about a stabbing when you wanna get somewhere. So the air ambulance turned up. So what? And this paid-busybody (another motivation to join police: the rarest one is people who genuinely want to make a difference and that's barely anyone) she assumed I wanted to look. I think she picked up I wasn't in the slightest bit interested and let me through. Silly cow.

I was wondering why I got bugged so much years later: it's being judged the same as THEY THINK when totally diffferrent. That's why I don't care about being judged mad, because I knew I was different just didn't know in what way. You cannot possibly "know" you are schiz. Especially paranoid schiz (which I'm not). I get paranoia now and then but it' "ideation" ie ideas not delusions. I don't believe I have a microchip in my brain broadcasting thoughts out. And nothinng changes the mind. That's paranoid schiz type stuff. I get generalized schiz. Need to remember to move my body out of position. For years when I slept I stayed in one spot, one body posture have to consciously move. Of course we all move in our sleep I move less. When I was mentaly ill I had to remember to move my hands off my face when I made a gesture of despair. I have to remember to do tiny things because they all add up to big complexities. Thats why i can't check email sometimes there's too much hoop jumping the STUPID THING MAKES IT TOO DIFFICULT FOR ME I just cannot handle it. Anyay I'm going to say goodbye for now if you can't find me here look in my comments for the new blog address. Look to my profile if it's still there. I don't trust this thing ever to sign me in again nothing works. I don't work but I'm not Paid they're a professional company the council are paid they let me down all the time I have to go much love to all.


1907 finally spellchecker has sorted most of this out, sorry to anyone who got the dreadful first version with all-over-the-place lettering + I added ç to my français!

Illustrated: tiny blue tits with great tits; they apparently "form mixed winter flocks" and go feeding together

21:21 Calm

2121 I feel very manic and very calm. Don't panic not manic not knot tied up in nots not tied up in knots a lot lot of knots parking lot mot MOT MOT is a car test here in the UK. Don't panic I AM MANIC I KNEW THAT I WAS MANIC WHAT THE HELL ELSE COULD IT BE WHEN YOU GO VERY FAST AND HIGH AND FEEL HYPER AND YOU WERE DEPRESSED BEFORE? Tomblike depression entombed. Do you know I thought if I committed suicide I might stay alive for ever cold in the rain as trains rushed past? That's what I thought. When I was suicidal. Ha! Do you know that is called a "symptom"? Being suicidal. I don't feel suicidal now. I feel upwards now. I wish I could cling on to the UP forever and ever and a day no way nothing lasts for ever. In my head I feel darkness and a light shining out like the first light of the first ever dawn. AND GOD SAID LET THERE BE LIGHT AND THERE WAS LIGHT AND GOD SAW THAT THE LIGHT WAS GOOD. It's very good. That's why I believe in God. Because God is all powerful and the source of all power. I only have power because God has Energy. God is Energy and God Is Love. I wish I could sleep in God's love forever. That's all I wanted to be held in the arms of God who made me.

2131 I am dreading taking the antipsychotics hypnotics erotics support polar molar bipolar manic depressive oppressive undressive go to bed undress with the rest in a mouse's nest be the best beat the rest no less press make a money press blue diamonds

light light shiny bright light blue diamond light

did you know blue light wakes you up is that why i love the colour blue?

love you love you love you blue true blue

i can hear amazing music from the deer hunter theme and a jangly gangly gamelan sound going off in my head disco frisco disco biscuit digestives

2141 everything that i think of is transcendently beautiful how come everything comes at exact5 10 minute intervals i'm not faking the time the time is exact. i'm clearing up my mess with this manic energy. because i'm less manic than the very transcendent PEAK OF ALL HUMAN BEING everything doesn't explode around me like it does then did then now then one eternal loop of time because that time went out for ever

wow it is 2142 only one minute gone (feels like a long time) 2143 for me free to be me

2155 i feel so happy i am crying all the time thinking of New Jerusalem thats where i want to be. With God. In heaven on earth. New Jerusalem is the heavenly city descended out of the sky from God where we will all live one day. If you're reading this and don't live there then you're Eternally Dead so don't worry about it.

2159 59 time on line nine white lines straight ahead don't go red red or dead

blue i love you blue you you you u U U U U U U U U U

which is the most perfect letter? S or O...? Probably 0 because that's a zero hero zero hour rush hour RUSH HOUR POWER HOUR! HOUR HOUR HOUR FOR HOURS

2201 it's ten o'clock i should take my sleeping pill i don't want to antipsychotic

risperidone zone i have to take it i'm washing down zopiclona with black coffee

then wait an hour till 2300 and 2 risperidone ok i'm baiting my breath and doing it wish me luck


2303 MICHAEL JACKSON: LEAVE ME ALONE
this is the style of things i see when i close my eyes manic
no sleep comes!

Going Right Into One

GOING RIGHT INTO ONE. i forgot to take my medication last night now i'm hyper hi hi high high up high going into spiral (tribe describe imbibe) drink ink link pink link think pink blue for a boy powder blue i love you blue.... i love that colour blue.... i love you.... love from above.... power powder power power flower power how are your powers? powers that be... to me ... free. set you free. free to be me.

I wrote this earlier:

I'll tell ya what makes the world go round. Money, let's be frank. That makes today's world go round. Money and a lot of bad things. Doesn't the Bible say that the love of money is the root of all evil? And Energy. That makes the world go round, the literal force of energy, the energy of you and me; the energy of God the all-powerful. Love would make the world go round if only people weren't too scared to love. Because to love you must open up and to be open is to be vulnerable to attack. If only people weren't too scared to love, the world would be a very different place than it is today.

Better today

I FEEL FAR BETTER THAN I DID YESTERDAY. That is because I am on my own, not in McDonalds surrounded by people with attitude problems, not riding a bus, not crushed in by people people people. People do my head in.

Michael Jackson is playing on my TV. His collected videos was the only thing I could stomach music wise and play round and round (as I do) with DVDs. There's a lot of other music I like but hardly any of it has videos because it's either bleepy and abstract or obscure or Sinead O'Connor (who is so much more than Nothing Compares 2U, she's an Irish baladeer).

I was thinking about Michael Jackson and how someone who knows me well once compared him to me [in personality]. Really, I am flattered. Somebody took Michael Jackson's world and smashed it and crushed him and all he could turn to was drugs, which he was probably involved in since burning his hair in that Pepsi accident in the early 80s.

No Michael Jackson music today. What I picked comes more under "obscure" but it did chart and does have a video:~

CAPTAIN SENSIBLE (lead singer of the Damned (hi Melody Lee)): GLAD IT'S ALL OVER
I always thought this song was about nuclear war. Blue moon happened after the Krakatoa eruption and could well happen after neuclear war. Too many little particles in the atmosphere:




Tsar Bomb: largest nuclear device ever exploded ~ 50-57 megatonnes
57,000,000 megatons = 1000 tons of dynatmite for every man, woman and child in the UK.
this one's 250 times bigger than the bombs that will soon drop on US!



SCREAM
stop pressuring me, like this one

A Flight of Blue Tits

IT'S 10 to midnight. I slept a few hours and woke up, finally, with a bit of calm! The following was written five hours earlier:

LET ME TRY and give a less winky-dink expression of today's goings-on than that bunch of crap you see one post below.

I went to my appointment today. Tomorrow I have one at the Psychiatrist rather than the Nutter Club. Unfortunately they crash but I had scheduling problems due to a computer error and I must take the time offered.

Naomi [the dual diagnosis lady] phoned me just now and pointed out he is a Consultant and so timewise finds himself practically meeting appointments pretty much when he is and isn't allowed to use the loo. It gets that bad!

If I were a doctor I'd be a Consultant Neurologist (never a psychiatrist: too headfucking that one. People with schizophrenia and bipolar ranting at me half the day and then the other 50% pf patients not wanting to speak. No thanks. Neurology patients usually can speak pretty fluently unless they're comatose in which case the checks and charts do the talking for them.

Now my own head is babbling away. I have Racing Thoughts or a Flight of Ideas. Like little tubbie birdies thrumming from one bird table to another. Now they're in the birdbath. Splish splash splosh. And they're blue tits. My favourite British Garden Birdies. Ask another British person if you don't believe about Blue Tits, They're beautiful..

OK back to midnight: my flight of ideas is safely in its nest boxes, has refrained from chirping and is looking forward to perching upside down tomorrow morning on the feeder.

I think what was wrong earlier was a long day and me just wanting to be home, crossed with the necessity to do endless little things that just got in the way when I was tired and wanted to unwind and the upshot was manic paranoia from which it takes hours to calm down. Naomi was very helpful. She just happened to phone right in the middle. I wasn't "going off on one" in a big way. No ranting. No talking nonsense. She knows how thin the line is between appearing to cope and not coping at all. That's why I like her.

She told me to focus on myself at tomorrow's doctor appointment and not my surrounding issues because other professionals are dealing with those.

All I would need say re today, if that came up, would be "I felt paranoid on the bus, like people were talking about me, so I got off earlier than I would have".

If I were a regular smoker of cannabis or crack I wouldn't be surprised to feel the way I do, but I gave up both. Cannabis went years ago, crack went two years ago (with a handful of lapses). My drugs workers at the time assured me my problems with paranoia and depression (that were only ever eluded to, nobody ever asked about them in any detail, so I never told in any detail) they assured me these problems would vanish in a puff of cocaine smoke. And yet they haven't. Shortly after giving up I realized a common cold had brought a strange return of paranoia and ibbly-bibbly weirdness. And that was a common cold! About 2 years ago.

Well crack has well and truly gone. The last time I used heroin it did nothing for me. Cannabis is a non-issue (never touch it). Uppers I don't go near. Hallucinogens or psychedelics I gave up entirely a decade ago. These had never been a big huge deal though they made a big huge impression on me whenever they were taken. So all these drugs have gone and I am doing all the Right Things I ought to be doing.

Surely I shall see some Fruits of my Labours soon..?

TITS IN THE BATH!
Bluetit playtime in Amsterdam!






Illustrated: blue tits and a Ancient Egyptian space alien ...


THIS is an A1 description of "racing thoughts"...

Halfhourthinkyjinkingpost....

I JUST THOUGHT I was posting but I was thiniing an a half dream. Dreamoing for half an hour. I'm tired and pissed off. All day, since midday it has been this thing and that thing a.. grabbing at me, at my attention span whe I feel ragged and frayed as it is. I'm Pamela Martha Fockered-up. Meet the Fockers is galloping round my head like a many-legged express train. Now I have to dash to the methadone chemist before they close at 18:30 hrs. I'm walking: riding the bus was such a headvucker with people talking about, sounding like they were trying not to sound like they were talking about and etc etc etc... all about ME when ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE IGNORED. TO CURL UP AND GO TO SLEEP.

PLEASE!

PS I did have a dr's appointment tomorrow then I didn't. It was messed up but not by me; I miss Nutter Club but see a Consultant Psychiatrist so no harm on that score...hy

Racy Brain (not down the drain)

I FEEL I'VE BEEN LIFTED UP!
I SLEPT A LONG TIME lats night because I had the antipsychotics, antihistamines and alcohol. The antihistamine was to make me sleep because despite the other stuff I just couldn't do it. And now I feel woozy and my head is racing and spinning. I feel in a much better mood. I'm not "high" but the same stuff is going on as when I'm going there. In the chemist and the post office I kept seeing visions in the floor. The chemist was a girl in a beautiful egg-shaped water drop with drops like rain behind her. In the post office I saw a slavering wolf in chalk-white on the brown floor. Then I looked away and there were just shadows where wolfie's features had been. I really am getting paranoid today I can't tell when people are and aren't talking about me and I hear weird noises. Whether or not this is the risperidone pills I don't know. If it carries on like this I know I'll go back on a manic whoooosh uppp-p-p-P-PPPP!! Least I'm not depressed right now all is fine with me. I'm stressed about seeing the doctor on Thursday and I don't like the way thes pills make me feel wibblywobbly. I can't deal with change and buying things in shops I just have to give money and get the girl to sort it out it caused a massive headfuck when all I wanted was an Oyster top up that's an e-bus ticket. Sorry if this doesn't hang together well my head has a distinct lack of focus and my memory is shot to pieces these days. I forget people's names, everything. Have a nice day everyone. Mine's going well. My racy brain has elevated me way above yesterday's dreary misery-schmizzery so I'm good. Good health to all!

PS ANNA GRACE: a lot of your comments got dumped in spam and I just found them. They're in their proper places now

Moulin Rouge

I WAS ASKING SOMEONE ABOUT A FILM with Kylie Minogue as the Absynthe Fairy, and Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman singing I couldn't for the life of me remember its name. I need films with constant music and this is a good one. I found it for £4 tonight. The idiot self service machine demanded an assistant, as I knew it would, to confirm I'm over 12 years old. And I bought a pile of tex mex pizzas as the other Morrisons have seen fit to clear their frozen pizza shelves empty. I chucked my basket on the frozen peas and stalked out.

I slept all day till 8pm. Got my methadone at 8:30am. Opening time. So I can avoid the world. Now with cherry flavoured alcohol and cigarettes and and ultra thin and crispy mexican pizza in the oven I feel OK.

All this clean shit can go hang. I just don't care any more. More you use, quicker you die. It's all good. Heroin can go take a hike. Crack is as relevant to me as weather patterns on Jupiter. Speed no way. Ecstasy ditto. I don't need uppers. They give a vastly inferior high to my own Natural One (I mean most of these substances last 4 hours maximum full-on, I was high for about four weeks straight on NOTHING, see what I mean?) Some people do use on top of mania but I think they're either truly cracked up or just have a piss-weak version of it. Stephen Fry said cocaine "evened him out" when hypomanic. LIAR! He means it intensified his high and THAT felt even. Uppers are way too jagged for my taste. The only drug that ever did it for me in an anytime anyplace anywhere way was heroin and heroin is unnecessary. From now on I will only consider taking multigram hits. Ie to use heroin as suicide. A Muslim once told me if you do yourself in eg by stabbing yourself, you'll spend eternity in hell stabbing yourself with a knife. I want to spend eternity hitting up the strongest hit of heroin I've ever taken. So I opt for that method. To die on heroin I need a low tolerance. To get a low tolerance I need reducing methadone. I'm already on methadone. So it's all good.

Sorry to post negative things. I'm forever stuck between telling the truth and telling a sanitized acceptable version that's basically a lie. So what you wanna hear?

No I'm not depressed. I'm nothing. I'm psychologically nothing. I'm NORMAL! PERFECT! OK! FINE!

I got a message yesterday about someone who had been through EXACTLY the same shit as me. Mood disorders. Personality Disorders. Strongly implied abused as a kid. I told them I WAS abused but only emotionally and not by my parents but this didn't seem enough. Then I told them some pervert who knew my name (but I didn't know him) said he'd come to pick me up when I was waving a flag at trains to make them go honk-honk from a railway bridge aged 9. But I just said "no that's not me". And I went away. I don't know what he did, because I didn't look. And this is all true. So no hidden trauma. Only trauma I remember.

Nursey only brought this up when dissociation rose it's head. Dissociation is cool it means you wander about and you're not real and/or the world is not real. A prissy weak person would let this bother them. What you do is go as deep into it as you can. It's a free drug after all. So vanish into it and don't come out. Same with mania but not depression. You don't go into depression unless you want it to kill you. The suicide rate in bipolar is 20%; in straight depression 9%. Schizophrenia is about 15%. So don't go into negativity, only positivity. The meaning of life is what life is. So make it meaningless or full of entertainment or both. But don't make it negative or you will die. If you do die bear in mind what that Headfucker said and use a delicious method of death. This is advice to self not you. If you want to kill yourself do yourself a favour. Fuck off and go elsewhere. I'm not into giving suicide tips.

Only thing that does my head in. I can't even say what I mean without the risk of some silly probably young and lost fucker trying to take my ideas which I will never spell out in sufficient detail for anyone else to know the Method and doing Something Stupid. You wanna kill yourself? Ring the Samaritans in the UK, ring the national suicide lines in whatever other place you may be. You're online. Google the numbers.

OK this has burnt itself out I'm going. I feel shit now I was OK before. I have a certain amount of happiness and it just goes, like a butterfly disappearing into the gloom of the evening.


Illustrated: sublime and trash. Says everything

MOULIN ROUGE: ONE DAY I'LL FLY AWAY
if i can find this i'll post it up, but my broadband will jam for the next hour so let's hope it plays
it plays. i like nicole kidman's voice
ONE DAY I'LL FLY AWAY
LEAVE ALL THIS TO YESTERDAY...

Bye bye Heroin

OK I feel OK now. Coasting down from heroin might have something to do with this.

I don't feel "addicted" to heroin, not the way I was. The compulsion to acquire more is not eating away at me. In days gone by I'd have been chomping at the bit to get more money tomorrow morning to go direct to the dealer for more. This lot was a 0.4g for £15. I rang 2 separate dealers. One wanted £15; the other £20. Mr £15 sells 2x tiddly £10 bags for this money. Mr £20 sells fat bags. When I finally met them by Argos they were both together so I gave Mr £20 £15 which he seemed to be cool with, and took a big chunk of dark brown heroin home. I had alcohol and cigarettes so I was in the best mood I could be in, considering how sour I was yesterday (pretty sour, to be honest).

A lot of people say I'm still in detox from the heroin I gave up in early December (though that gear was so weak, I really gave up proper heroin at some point last November). But I did ask Naomi about this again at Nutter Club (where I was in a foul mood) and she says no. If quitting heroin in favour of methadone causes problems as severe and persistent as mine it's "underlying" stuff. Not a "reaction". Well I don't know. I'm asking the doctor. But I noticed he barely mentioned drugs last time and finished with the words "at last..." meaning at last you've found someone, at last you've found acceptance, at last treatment, at last, after all this time this is being addressed. Which doesn't sound like he means a state of temporary detoxification.

Maybe the methadone has permanently damaged my brain. We all know they only prescribe it because it's ineffectual. And so was thalidomide.

I rang my former friend Mother Hubbard who didn't want to be bothered engaging in very much talk. She says she's down to 10mls methadone and thinking of going back to lithium. She always said she was on lithium before heroin. But on heroin she didn't need it, as heroin evens her out better. She said of lithium: it's "very helpful". Yeah and it's the all-time last drug that I want. Anyway she said she didn't have time for me and I said yeah I know our frienship fizzled out years ago. I don't think she liked my directness so I said "bye!" in a cheery voice and blip-p-p-ppp, I hung up.

Then, half an hour later, Pinky rings. I don't think they'd been comparing notes. I only know Pinks through Hubbs but Hubbs talks to no-one these days. I think Pinks was hoping me to be all manic and babbly and entertaining like I was last time. She rang twice. The second time I had heroin in my system so I was far more amenable to conversation. She talked about her borderline personality disorder (the mildest of her three diagnoses). She said she had googled herself and thought I was borderline too. (She's told me that one before.) I've only met two borderlines and both told me I was one too. I don't actually believe that but when Nursey wanted me to google myself about a year ago prior to an "engagement" with the local Personality Disorders Clinic that never happened, the borderline personality disorder was the only one I matched up ding ding ding ding ding! I don't actually think I'm "borderline" at all. I don't believe I have any personality disorder. The dr. thought I might have one... that was until the last couple of times when I came in all hyped up and confused (and drugs-negative). Personality disorders are out the window at this moment in time. Mood disorders are in, so far as I can tell.

Then Pinky said something I'd never heard: that the first time she met me she thought I looked manic. She said the second time I was a bit less manic, then I was depressed. And she asked Mother Hubbs whether I was a manic-depressive and Mother Hubbs said yeah. Mother Hubbard has had that theory about me for years and frankly I thought it was bullshit. I wasn't in the mood for talk of what I might have been nearly ten years ago. I'm down now. Nothing feels real to me any more. I only feel real when I feel high. (Natural or drugged.) The difference between drugged and non-drugged high is that the opiate version makes me ultra-focused so I can do stuff like spend hours doodling Chinese characters or I tell myself I'm being constructive, because I'm learning something. I can read novels. I can plough through books in German, dictionary in hand, consulting every single unfamiliar word. Heroin always gave me this focus.

The natural high gets more and more scattered the higher it goes, so I get into far more of a mess on that than I ever got on depression. I got into terrible troubles through these mood swings so if it is methadone causing it all I'm demanding a change of medication on clinical grounds. It's more than negligence; it's profound negligence to prescribe something that disagrees that vehemently. I got asked twice whether I wanted to go straight into the psychiatric hospital when these moods weren't even peaking. I was an absolute mess. Physically and mentally I was all over the place. How on earth they can justify prescribing medication that does that to me I just do not understand. If they refuse to change it I'll sue. In Britain you have a right to appropriate medical care, no matter what your condition. It's interesting y'all seem to think what's wrong fits my own original theory: that methadone does not suit me at all. I'm lobbying for MSTs ~ morphine sulphate pills.

I just glanced over what I wrote off heroin.

Shamanic Heaven? Very shamanic. Not heaven.

And if you think that's screwy, have a look at some of the nut-nut forums online. The bipolar one did my head in the most because if I'm that I've get manic a lot more intensely than anyone who posted on the board. Schizophrenia: that was really screwy. Page after page of ranting about how the US Government had implanted a chip in this guy's head and that's how they read his every thought. Drug addiction: that's me! I only stumbled over the criteria once and I fulfill every single one beautifully. As beautiful as a flower opening at dawn. If only addiction wasn't the ugliest illness going I'd be junkie-proud. What am I saying. No I wouldn't. I'm not 16 anymore. And I never got an addiction until I was 28 years old. Problem with me was I was already sicked off with depression. So once the seed of Heroin Addiction came along, it flourished in highly fertile ground.

A nice man came to see me this morning. He works for a charity that gives support to living train wrecks like me. Thankfully no psychiatric history was demanded (now giving that in a "highly hightened state of awareness" put me in touch with all manner of horrors safely stashed in the Forget Me For Ever box. I don't usually find memories traumatic. Because I choose not to remember. In that Mentalist Reception Centre I was forced to relive the most depraved and horrible episode of depression of my entire life. And I suddenly realized, if it hadn't been for Heroin, I might never have survived it. Now that was a headfucker. Usually I like headfucker things. But this stuff I hated. Most things couldn't harm me if they wanted to. Nothing is real. I don't need heroin to tell me that. That's the feeling I have, that disengages me. That's why there's chaos on the outside; and a diffuse white light on the inside. Peace. If only I wasn't so unhappy, I would be a beautiful place to be.

It's only the world that is ugly and I thought I needed heroin to cope with the world. When all I really needed was to be harder than it. I try not to care, but in a way I care very much. But I'm able not to do it. And that's what counts. So you see this supposed "illness" of mine. What Naomi calls illness. What the doctors think of illness, because it's they who speak of antipsychotics and lithium, not me. I wouldn't know what to ask for, except quetiapine. It's meant to be better than risperidone and you can dose once nightly. So I'm asking for that. But even my fellow "clients" at the Nutter Club label me ill. Which I found crazy. Because I wasn't ill that time I came in laughing hysterically and babbling. I was just a bit excited and I had gone into a 48-hour cycle. 43 hours awake; 5 hours asleep. Makes ya feel lovely.

When I said to Naomi, who wants more people to join our club, why don't you let everybody in? Most addicts, after all, have some anxiety and depression. We all want to die during detox: that's par for the course. She said no it doesn't work like that. You need serious mental illness just to get in the door. I didn't know this when I started attending. Naomi knows my issues. I was complaining of mood swings for months (when I attended infrequently). Moods that nobody else seemed to notice. I didn't dispute the point in case she chucked me out because I don't really even really get depression. I just get in a mood where I see Truth. Same as being on a high. What you see is Truth. It's the in-betweens where lies flourish. Nowadays the tables are turned on me. It's me saying I'm perfectly all right and Naomi banging away at me to take medication. If I do, it'll stop me getting high again and that's what I want; another high, man. I feel the sea swelling as we speak, but I couldn't tell you which way the current's taking me. Heroin is the only thing that calms those tides. I'm neither up nor down nor left nor right on heroin. Just a wuzzy version of OK.

I'm afraid of not taking heroin again because I feel desperate and lost and confused without it and I've never survived without heroin except when I was so hyped up I didn't know what day it was. Hell, when I really got going I rushed so far ahead I honestly thought we were living in next year. None of this is bad. Don't pin suffering on my description. What would you rather be? High on nothing free of charge? Or "high" on heroin and paying every penny you have to be little better than OK? Only advantage heroin confers is a modicum of focus and concentration that I just don't have without it. Methadone gives nothing and that's why the Government give it. They want me to get confused enough that I wander out and get hit by a truck. That's what they want. They want rid of me.

So this nice man named Deshane had to come in and endure my house. I knocked back one cherry cyder. Found a full can on the side I'd forgotten about, knocked that down on top of it. Only felt depressed. I kept glancing at the time thinking, "I'll give him 15 mins, no more," and he turned up bang on time.

He tried not to look shocked at the state of my house. I have two carrier bags full of 50 Nigerian DVDs that I thought he might be interested in, but he's from St Lucia, so he doesn't speak Yoruba. Shame. I don't want to throw these films away. Now if you want an illness, that's my illness: hoarding. I have five televisions, three surplus chairs, three or four toasters, four or more radios, five or six duvets (I use them all at once to make a giant futon)... and I have sackfulls of clothes fished from bus stops and rubbish bins full of tears and holes that don't even fit me. It was the psychotic guy downstairs who pointed out that I dress like a homeless and I looked at what I was wearing and realized he's telling the truth. Nothing I wear was bought. It was all salvaged from the streets or given to me. I wouldn't wear anything nice. I burn cigarette holes in anything nice, because ... because I am inattentive.

So we had to go through my care needs which I don't recall. I honestly don't remember what he said. I was so stressed I just wanted the interview over. What he did say was that they can get me DLA, the benefit for Mental Fuck Ups that I had twice and let run out twice because I was too fucked up to claim it (sad but true). And he can get me my own place. I said my neighbours all hate me and with good reason, the amount of rubbish I collect, I don't blame them. But he says I can have my own front door and a bedroom and a separate kitchen. It sounds good and as long as I can paint my walls blue I'll be happy. I'm buying superglue and handcuffs so when intruders break in I can place the under citizens arrest. People will victimize you badly in London if you let them. Anyone dares break into my place and I'll lie in wait and stick them to the floor. And you think I'm joking. I intend to be a proud home owner.

Deshane thinks it's a really good idea that I ought to pack what I DO want in boxes, giant tartan bags etc (I have many a spare hammy cage and fish tank that I can fill with books to save space). Anything not packed up I can safely throw away.

Akh why does this have to happen? I feel heroin wearing off and my usual sourness creeping on. I feel as sour as a month-old pint of milk. Well you have to laugh at it. If I did't have dissociative mechanisms I'd have died long ago. Dissociation means nothing is actually real. If my life really was as bad as it was I'd never have survived it. I just cannot see how I would survive. And all this is down to that methadone they are poisoning me with. I found out a bit about how you appeal to the head of the local health authority when methadone is an inappropriate treatment so that's what I'm doing. Taking my complaint right to the top. It's not normal to have symptoms of a severe mood disorder just because you're taking that Mean Green the government force on me.

I've seen how other heroin addicts and crack addicts live. They all look well put together and they live in clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane has hit it. My life is post-nuclear. Everything is a mess. If only this meant I could motivate myself to change it would be a useful insight but it's not. Because the reality of life is hopeless and pointless. I know you probably want to laugh but this is how I feel.

Well I'm going now. I've banged on enough about my boring self. If anyone actually reads to the end, I'll give you a gold medal with "I AM A METHADONE SURVIVOR" engraved across it. How does that sound?

OK I just read back over this and it's farcical. I can't even tell whether I'm being sarcastic or real or not real I'm just fed up. Better to make y'all laugh at me than to make y'all upset. I've had enough; it's 7:30; my chemist opens in an hour so I'll get that one done and hopefully sleep all day. I hope you have a good day. Does anybody know a magic cure for unhappiness where I can be drug free. I don't care how long it takes to work. I have the rest of my life. And I'm going now, before I say something I regret.

Have a nice day y'all!

I'm sorry :-(

SORRY FOR UPSETTING YOU ANNA GRACE. And anyone else. Anna is my best friend and the last person I want upset or crying over me. I'm truly sorry.

Now I'm upset because I was only trying to say how I feel. Yet how I feel is unacceptable. What can I do?

Baino who is one of my very best and most supportive friends online said to me something to do with not believing my experience is real and she's put me into confusion. Finally I am telling the doctors the truth instead of some sanitized version that goes "I become slightly depressed"; I'm telling them what really happens and this is complicated and embarrassing enough without people messing with my head telling me I'm lying or I'm not real. Whatever it is it feels like an accusation. All I have ever tried to do is report accurately however much it shames me however much of an idiot I know I will look I just put it down. Baino is only trying to be helpful. From where I'm sitting she tells me "don't disappear up your own arse; it's just mild drug switchover that everyone goes through".

If I thought this was right I could accept it but none of the professionals I work with takes this view. The psychiatrist is being cagey by not diagnosing. It's unprofessional to give a name to an inherently unreal condition within 6 months of clear cut shamanic weird experience emerging. And that's what it is in some of its facets.

My totem animals are the Syrian hammy, which will beat the shit out of any critter or person who dares mess with it. And the tigress. I relate to the tigress better than the tiger; tigresses are fiercer and have pet baby tigers to play with. Can you imagine going to bed with six baby tigers all purring and being furry? That's why I want to be a tigress. Because of the baby furry entertainers.

I'm sorry I upset y'all I didn't mean to I only was trying to report how I feel. This doesn't upset me. Problem is, none of the professionals I "work" with have ever expressed this view. To them I am cuckoo. To me I am fantastic and unreal. Far superior to most of you. Effortlessly when I'm hyper and high I feel natural. When I'm low I don't feel clinically depressed, which is where this "personality disorders" idea came from. I'm fed up with it all.

Yes I took heroin. To be frank I didn't care about my life or my future any more, which is blurry to me. I just cannot think straight.

Sorry I have to go I keep falling asleep with fingers on the L or D key and I'm not posting the rubbish I put up 2 nights ago. That was purely to make a point.

I hope this isn't too much of a mess and makes my point. I don't have a problem with anyone I'm confused by my friends, my good friends who I know are genuinely trying to help me and in my heart this makes me sad because I know I can't understand and you're not helping me the way your words should help.

How on earth will I ever deal with these skyscraper-high issues? I honestly don't know.

Now I'll have to leave it there, else this shall never get posted. Sorry again for the mess. Much love to everyone. Baino please forgive me for bringing you up so many times. I know you are only saying what many people probably think and I'm just really upset because I can't do it. Whatever it is I'm meant to do I can't do it. Am I ill? should I lie in bed then? What should I do?

And how can I ever cope without heroin. I cannot handle feeling as bad as I do. I feel too bad for words. I won't use melodramatic language, but I don't feel good at all now. What is happening to me.

Take care everybody. Thank you for all your support. I appreciate it more than you will ever know, even though we end up at cross-purposes so many times. Please don't give up on me.


Illustrated: a beautifully kept room is a sign of a well-kept mind; my totem animal having a furry nap; the naughty stuff, trademarked by Bayer Pharmaceuticals in the late 19th century...


Some music

Lots of talking

I WAS SURE I posted something else but whatever I said got lost. My memory is poor these days. Chemist says I missed a methadone pick-up Monday but I'm not sure I did. I'm pretty hot at methadone and making sure I have enough. I need to be as I'm fully considering dropping the State Controlled Prescription and merely buying methadone on the strreet. Which is my option for when they start messing my head even more than presently.

Earlier today I was in the bad mood I've been in for three days. I crashed down. So this afternoon I took heroin therapy and feel far better for it. Frankly I don't care about myself or my life or whether anything is good or bad. Gear is the same as suicide so I'm self-medicating with slow suicide and it works. Doesn't stop me feeling manic and/or over the top, doesn't stop me being depressed and/or mood swinging. Stops the worst of it though. Which implies if I'm in withdrawal as y'all want to tell me I'm still withdrawing when "high" enough on gear to be in near-unconsciousness. So shove that in your expert pipes and toke it.

Baino can you please explain something what do you mean the dr says I'm psychotic? But I'm not? How so? I don't get this you're really confusing me. You think I'm exaggerating? Then you're wasting your time here if I write a ficiton blog it would be WAY less sad thatn this one come on. So what do you think is real? I don't get it. As I said I'm not a psychotic what really happens is psychic, that's how I hear other people's thoughts. Telepathy. If you can't hear the reason is simple YOU'RE DEAF.

The shrinko is the only one I trust and even him I think he is trying to kill me when I go to an NA meeting. So I trust no-one. I wouldn't post anything if you knew who I was so THAT, ANNA GRACE IS WHY I'M "HIDING BEHIND MY BLOG" as you put it
when you try and push me gently into behaviour I'm not comfortable with. You might want people to look at you; I don't need my neighbours reading my blog. That might be a buzz for you; to me it's a buzz-killer. I want to be read, not stared at. Leave a comment Anna I leave them for you and you won't even leave a single one when I specifically ask you.

Baino, Anna, Gattina, please answer in comments I cannot do email it's a total headfucker. Unless it really is confidential please everyone use COMMENTS. Comments I can do; email I just do not do. I just do not do it; ask my family. I get your point Gattina: your blog is a shiny happy blog where you don't want my heroin-talk so I'll email that from hammynutter@lycos.com. Please anyone who emails, no matter what the subject LEAVE A COMMENT SAYING YOU EMAILED or I won't be able to find it. There are no rules chez moi that anyone needs to comment on the post they answer under. If you want to tell me anything, relevant or not to anything else, just slap it under today's load of Gledwood-drivel and I'll get it. Don't email me unless you really do need to use email. OK?

I am going to ask this Consultant Psychiatrist yes/no am I in detox on methadone? Yes or no; tell me. Methadone is a substitution therapy and should leave you in no withdrawals. I certainly don't withdraw physically so how can I "withdrawl mentally" without craving? I only want heroin in depression. Depression I had for DECADES before I ever tried heroin. Question number 2 will rear its head: that being so, why on earth are you giving it to me KNOWING it turns me into a psychdedelic shaman who's not taking psychedelics? And can you please make the psychedelia stronger? Thankyouverymuch!

I can't go on I'm too sleepy to focus. Things I cannot say are seeping out of my mind so I'm leaving it here. Nutter Club report comes later.



MADONNA: HUNG UP
time goes by so slowly for those who wait; no need to hesitate...

Drugs Required

I THINK I NEED MORE HEROIN. Surely it's better to be sleeping on the A, S and D keys, producing nonsense, than tapping in adda-gaggas because I'm fully awake and going into Shamanic Heaven. If I could stay in Shamanic Heaven I'd willingly stay there but I always come down down down so why go up. Only other therapy that comes to mind is Glass Therapy but it gets sharp bits all over the floor which I then tread on and that ain't the point. Accidentally cutting an artery, that's the point.

Some bastard is insisting on coming round tomorrow and I just want to go to bed. I need some drugs to push me under. I hate sleeping without pills and I don't see why I should do it. I'm avoiding risperidone on principal it's antipsychotic and I never was psychotic.

Mediums and prophets hear voices, they ain't mad and neither am I. I'm dropping all quasi-medical terminology from now on as it seems to cause gross confusion and make you all think I believe I'm ill. I only think I'm ill when I am actually ill. Which hasn't happened for weeks.

I was watching the Aviator yet another film about somebody the world considered mad. He does what I do, says the same stuff over and over. Nothing wrong with that. I only do it when I'm thinking. Or not thinking.

I wish I could sleep. I wish barbiturates were prescribed. I could do with 30x Seconal 100s. You can take these by the handful if you want deep sleep and you'll sleep into your grave. Only way of suicide I know of involving [benzo] sleeping pills involves a rough sea. Drop the pills while you're at the rocks. Wear multiple layers of clothing to weigh yourself down. Wait long enough that you have trouble moving. Use all your might to get into the choppy waters. It won't feel cold. You will feel nothing ever again. This is advice to self. You wanna kill yourself? Fuck off and go elsewhere this blog is about my life and my death, not yours.

Really I wish heroin were free of charge or at maximum 50p a G H4, then I could take Enough. I'm not talking about a pathetic 300mg a day diamorphine script I'm talking many times that. They know methadone is causing all these problems of mine which is why they prescribe it.

Truth has to be very simple. I'm NOT IN DETOX. Opiate detox makes you sweaty, hot and cold with eyes like saucers. I have none of these symptoms and I've never heard of anybody detox from early December into mid February.

So either: methadone is the root of all my instability
Or: that's just how I am

One of the two. If the first is true then WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING PRESCRIBING SOMETHING THAT PUTS MULTIPLE PEOPLE IN MY HEAD AND THEN WHIRLS THEM ALL UP IN A TORNADO?

Ie they are TRYING TO SEND ME MAD and I'm dropping this methadone script and scoring on the street. At least then the government aren't controlling me.

It's all a con. Everything in life is one big giant con. Don't be taken in or you're even sadder and more lost than I am.

Illustration: top: the cyclone or tornado ~ ask anyone who's been to The Top and they'll tell you about this; black pepper/strawberry icecream ~ these are for Melody


MAMAS AND PAPAS: CREEQUE ALLEY
no point sitting about in a sour mood might as well put on something decent



THIS is how I feel when depressed, look under the second column: hypersomnia etc
http://www.angelfire.com/home/bphoenix1/uni.html

After The Real Good Sleep

O I FEEL STRANGE. I wouldn't mind being depressed. Well actually I would. I would mind it very much. I specially wouldn't mind being UPUPUPUP UPPPP!!! But I'm neither thing. I slept somewhere up to 18 hours last night. The smoke alarm is going crazy and I'm thoroughly enjoying it + pissing off my neighbours. It's off now.

I HAD to go get methadone as I slept so late they were about to close. So I got it. In the foulest of moods. Got ONE pizza in Morrisons where some idiotic foreigner was trying to feed a £50 note into the self-service machine. If I'd been a little more whateveristic I'd have told her "darling nobody in this country accepts a fifty. They're either faked or they think you're trying to pass off a fake. Take 20s. Or use 500 euro notes." Then I had to buy cherry cyder and some Pole who was even more averse to showering than me (and that's saying something) seemed to spend half an hour buying about 7 items of weird unclean porkfilled Polish food.

Then I got home. No cigarette papers and frankly I'd rather look behind my bottom drawer for a stray one than go outside again.

My oven is going nuts as there's still burnt tost in there from yesterday (that I forgot about till it was past incinerated) along with the tex mex pizza.

So I'm buzzing in a vague "just been on coke" type way. No it's not the heroin. Heroin doesn't make you buzz; it's a downer ~ it just helped me sleep not far off an entire 24 hours.

And I feel shit. So what's that? I'm not going to any appointments. Oh shit some bastard is coming round my house tomorrow well he can see it as it is I ain't doing shit for no-one.

What is it Baino you don't believe I'm psychic? I'll try and get you next week's lottery numbers? OK??

Right i gotta go I've only had 2.5 cigarettes today. I don't want any heroin it didn't make me "high" (does anyone get a high off heroin? What's it like? Feels like normality to me...) anyway the PO was shut by the time I woke up.

Shit I suppose I'd better clear the worst for this support worker git. Sure he's NOT on my side. All they do is try and con you these people. Right I'm off.


MADONNA: FROZEN

Chez Valium Marilyn

WE DID some shit where she was turning her house over TV burglar stylee trying to find this post office card for her and temazepam for me. At first I thought she was shamming the temazepam one but she did come up with a whole load of empty temazepam 20 strips which we had to check carefully in case she'd done a me and left one in there, but nothing

why the hell did I think I needed temazepam? I don't NEED to sleep. That's a human weakness, sleep. The more you sleep the lower you get. Also sleep repairs the body so the less you sleep the quicker you die and turn into a Proper Human Being ie an energy discarnate being. Which is what I want to be anyway I hate having a body. Why do you think I liked ketamine so much? Puts you out of body (out of mind for that matter) best drug ever for those interested in hanging off the edge of the universe not even knowing you are "a person" with "a name" and "a life"... it feels awful weird when you come back and realize you're you and who you are. That's the ketamine trip: WAY superior to acid where you have to deal with a million and one buzz killers like people you don't want to deal with, keys, money, going home etc. On ketamine you're lying on the floor in the dark in the recovery position and whether anybody else is there or not is immaterial as you're tripping right into outer space alone. FAR FAR FAR better than LSD ever could be.

How did I get on to ketamine? O yeah because it makes you forget your name which I do when I'm out of it. Or did last week the week before when people were talking about me and I kept going "who?" they were in the front seat I was in the back thankfully I kept my big mouth shut and didn't say "who?!" aloud. Or "are we going to a rave?" which i kept thinking all the time as I felt like I was off my tits on E. Hadn't taken anything, just a yummy manic thing going on as it is now.

Well I told Mar how to get her replacement PO card, complete with phone number 08457 22 33 44 wow I actually remember something. My mind has become dangerously seive-like lately I barely seem to recall anything of any technical nature at all. E.g. what people's names are. I don't know why as it's not like I'm senile is it. Or drunk. Or on drugs. Or in drug withdrawal. Just to spell it out to anyone STILL convinced I'm on drugs. I'M NOT ON DRUGS I only take methadone (prescribed) and the odd sleeper (not always prescribed). And no I don't take 8 at once at 3 in the afternoon. That's Valium Marilyn's style, not mine. And she complains that benzos make her depressed. No wonder. A benzo "high" is you FIGHTING AGAINST the effects of these fuckers which push you down, so you're struggling against them, otherwise you'd conk out unconscious. Not much of a high is it?

She gave me a whole load of food and £1.30 which is enough for the cherry flavour mandy cyder I drink now: 4.5% alcohol in half litre tins. It has to be flavoured like soft drinks to destroy the alcohol association otherwise it's going to be harder to stop altogether. Plus you can water flavoured stuff up with more soft drinks which is what I'll have to do in the very end.

I hope she does actually sort her card out. She thinks someone else has it complete with pin number and is terrified this bastard will take out all her money at 00:30 hours when it clears. (I know the exact time because I used to call my dealer at 00:31!)

I was on such a buzz when I left all the good things are happening now. Things sound weird, I have 2 voices in my head both me speaking out of sync, Valium Marilyn was talking in my head all the way down the road. My mood is peaking and my head racing like the clappers. This means I'm in a REALLY good mood now. No wonder I couldn't sleep. My crappy body might have wanted to but my mind needs no sleep whatsoever.

Walking home felt so good. Now I've drunk that cherry rubbish and it's brought me down. Alcohol is a depressant as they lie. Yes it is associated with depression but heroin is a CNS depressant too and that's ANTIdepressant in its action. The misery of heroin addiction might be exacerbated by heroin's mood-flattening effects too. I never felt much of a buzz off life when I was on heroin until the later years when I suddenly realized a few times that I was buzzing so much (on a coke-type high and this after I'd not had crack) I couldn't stop talking rubbish to my hamsters. I know I must have been buzzing now, because I kept talking to them when they were dead. Not that I thought they were alive, I mean the crap I used to say to them about being "furry and small" and "really tiny" with "poppy eyes" etc etc etc was totally ingrained in my head and I just wanted to say furry furry furry furry furry furry furry actually "furry swine" was my favourite one then I said that in German and it apparently means "furry bastard" and nearly caused an International Incident on my Deutscher Blog.

Well I can't explain my cuckoo clock life. I'm just really glad to be like this it's SO FAR BETTER than boring old normality I just cannot explain. Why do you think I keep saying I don't want to sleep? Because it will depress me and I've been depressed for years (so hopefully I'll be high for years now to make up for it!) and because a psychiatrist's idea of normality appears to be lying miserable in a bath of cold water feeling like shit but judged to be OK because you can still blink and breathe. It was psychiatrists who said methadone was a suitable treatment for heroin addiction so I don't trust them at all. Giving methadone to a heroin addict is like convincing a normal human being to take those science fiction food pills they always thought we'd pop in the 21st century. One tablet a day fulfills all your nutritional and calorific requirements. Tastes of nothing and leaves a growlingly empty stomach but you're not lacking energy. Well that's what methadone is to heroin. A very poor substitute. And the reason why we have such full prisons. Even the addicts think it "should" work and they "should" do better, not realizing they're treating an addiction to substance A with substance B and oral methadone has nothing to do with "NHS" and everything to do with puritanical governments who think addicts deserve misery. No other condition, medical or psychiatric is treated with one drug only (when literally any of scores of opiates or opioids could be used in substitution.) Imagine you're freezing cold and someone says to you here I've a raincoat it's 100% waterproof, try this. And it's paper thin. And you say "but it's not raining, it's freezing cold" and true you are slightly less exposed but it's nothing on the floor length fur jobbie you're used to. So they say OK try another layer and you're double waterproofed but it rides up at the sleeves and leaves your legs exposed. But it's a coat. And a fur coat is a coat. But they're not the same. Neither are heroin and methadone. It's unacceptable to be miserable and craving on a treatment that supposedly cures drug addiction. (Methadone has a success rate of 4% frankly I think that's an exaggeration I cannot believe it's that high. I've never known a single person I know stick to methadone without constantly using on top and I've never even heard of anyone I know reducing off it to nothing and staying off drugs. Ever.) They used to give out injectable methadone which would at least leave you miserable with needle marks and given you the buzz of injecting something. But injectable methadone is many times more dangerous than diamorphine so why not give the real thing? See: an utterly fucked up policy. I don't want injectable diamorphine for myself, but everyone else needs that or pharmaceutical smoking base or morphine tablets (which will make you feel like you've had heroin without the initial buzz of taking it) these 3 will do what electric cigarettes, patches and nicotine gum do for smokers. Replaces something tarry and dirty with the pure stuff. As it is, they're replacing a Rolls Royce with a rusty bicycle and wondering why people just will not ride in the rain.

REALITY CHECK: GIVE ADDICTS HEROIN.

OK I'm off. Sorry not to tell you anything gynacological. If you want to talk about any shit you like, just leave a comment. I'm open to anything today.

I don't know what this says by the way. Just ignore it if it's rubbish. If I edit I'll never post anything at all.

Still flying

MAN I AM DROWNING in DVD cases. It just took a psychological half hour (ie about 3 mins 20 seconds) to locate the case for Dr Zhivago which I tried to watch last night but just cannot concentrate on. I like the music, I like the snow and I like Lara.

Oh I can't even remember what I was going to say. Oh yeah I actually have my glasses. Which I usually lose for days on end when I go mental. I also lose money, the cards to get the money and keys, which just vanish in my house. Keys being the priority and because I never put them anywhere too stupid, I always find them within the hour. Everything else goes walkies for days on end.

I slept for hours and hours last night and don't feel nauseated any more. But I do feel physically tired whenever I sit down. When I go walking down the street I get brought right up into a beautiful high. Talking on the phone, anything else brings me up. Other times I think I'm normal, which is bad. Because normal leads to depression and I'd rather be high as a kite to be frank.

No not on drugs high on my Higher Power. I'm really into this Higher Power thing it's fantastic way better than drugs. Ask anyone in NA. Though they don't seem to get intoxicated by theirs. Which makes them all the poorer than me, to be frank.

Well not much doing except Mamma Mia which plays round and round because I like to sleep with Abba blaring in the background and meet the Fockers which I actually watched twice, I caught about a quarter of the actual film each time, so another 2 times and I'm done.

Syd asked why I don't hire them from the library but I'm in deep trouble with them for having taken out books last summer which I still have and having lost one on a bus and not told them. When you take books back the weirdos who work there seem to feel they have to calculate what is owed. I do not want or need unnecessary information but they won't listen. Actually they might if I come in blazingly hyper I will ensure I don't get told anything I don't want to hear. People visibly back off from me in this state. It's fantastic.

[Also our library charges about £2 for DVD hire and you can buy 'em new for £3 without the hassle of having to return them so I buy. With my grated cheese style attention span I have to watch everything x5 these days so I pretty much need to own it to get the story...]

Oh man I'm so exhausted it's unreal my body feels like I've gone skiing nonstop for 3 days. Bloody hell this French film is so boring I'm changing it. Why don't French people just learn to speak English? It would save so much time and trouble reading fucking subtitles. Yeah I can read Paris Match but actually following the crap they spout in real life: that's hard. Way harder than Real German. French people speak about 60% "argot" (slang) 40% proper French. Germans speak about 98% proper 2% slang. English people use more slang than Germans but far less than the French. Also Germans speak very distinctly. English are in between. The French, as y'all know speak as if they're eating something too tasty to bother opening their mouths properly. Plus they run all their words together.

I once met a French maniac who tried to speak to me dans le langue superieur (francais) mais je suis desole je comprenais rien! Can't find the accents for French. Sorry. And French keyboards go AZERTY not QWERTY which is the biggest headfucker {several other letters are in different places}. German goes QWERTZ ie Y and Z are swapped round and the cuckoo clock umlauted vowels are were ;'and[ are.

Well I'm off I don't know what the point of any of this was really I'm just saying hi and I wish I had a decent film to watch. I mean one that's either VERY FUNNY or FULL OF GOOD MUSIC. That I haven't watched at least twice in the past 2 days. I do have Young Victoria but it's far too ponderous for my frame of mind. The Queen was very good. Helen Mirren certainly seems to sum up the Queen's character which is quite witty, pragmatic and level headed but not boring. I noted nobody played Princess Margo. She was only referred to. Adding characters to fiction adds a lot of length so that might be why Margaret's not in there.

Well I'm off I'm totally skint I thought I had money in the bank but it's absolutely bare till Monday and I'm not even on heroin I don't know what I did {apart from buy a DVD player, a digibox and only 35 or so DVDs} but I fucked up somehow. OK over and out.

Persecution

O SHIT. TWO OFFICIALS FROM THE COUNCIL came round and refused to enter my lair!

Fair enough it is full of rubbish bags that I'm not sure whether or not I accidentally threw my passport into.

I don't know what I did when why wherefore or what to which whatever this that or another thing. Y'know?

To cut a long story short they asked whether I was on drugs and that one confused me I said what psychiatric drugs or street drugs?

We had this conversation on the street because I loudly said my Lovely Charming Best Freind Wankers Who Share This Building Would only earwig on us.

So random dog walkers listened in instead. About yes I'm on methadone no I'm not on heroin I don't care what they know, I put heroin and methadone on the original application form so it's no secret. O yeah and my drink has gone DOWN to 4.5 to 4.7 units a day which equals 33 units a week tops which is just one can over the government's recommended limit. I've switched to strawberry (4.5% vol) and cherry (4.7% vol) flavour cider, two half litre cans a day. See I did it! Cut my drinking down by a third in one go.

Anyway they put me on a real downer saying I'm getting some Vulnerable Adult person after me for not being able to take care of myself. Me my room and my life are now in equal chaos.

I told them I wasn't sleeping at all. I had all of 5 minutes sleep last night. I went to "bed" (on the floor as per usual) for half an hour but my brain was lit up so I just watched inner television, felt irritated then got up.

I felt physically exhausted and nauseated and that was before those nauseating people made it all worse. They were talking to me like I was a 3 year old.

Everyone treats me like I'm a nutter these days. Even that psychiatrist, who's the best shrink I've ever had, judging on impressions, was visibly shocked the first time he saw me when I was "ill" rather than just self-medicating depression on heroin (the state I was in for over five years).

Anyway I'm not hearing voices AT AlL so I can't be mad.

I'm so tired I really want to sleep. I hate sleeping it reminds me of being ill, it makes me think of dying and sleeping is what I do when I'm depressed. The more I sleep the more I'm likely to be depressed and I've already decided if I do get that label Bxxxxxxr stuck on me I'm putting myself to a quick and violent end.

I feel so sad writing that, like my life is a total waste and I regret ever having been born. It would have been so much better if I'd never been born all I have ever done is hurt and disappiont.

Well I'm going to go now. And probably not sleep. I've had enough I've really had enough I wish I could press a button and disappear.

O yeah that's another good thing about being off heroin. It means if I push a quarter ounce straight into my femoral I should never wake up ever again.


1147 Just smashed a bottle open on my cooker the fucking glass is too blunt even to cut my skin open just rubbishy paper cuts can't even do self harm i've had enough i want to sleep i want to sleep i want to sleep fuck this i want to sleep i want to sleep i'm not hearing voices i am perfectly sane i just need to sleep i have no money i blew every penny on dvds i have an entire armchair full now i want to sleep i want to fucking sleep that is all i want to sleep sleep sleep

Nutter Club Entertainment

I SAW NAOMI the kindly American Nutter Club lady again today ... it's Thursday, NUTTER CLUB DAY!!

Only one other nutter turned up. I really like this nutter. She was so ill she looked like she was about to fall over and faint. This was side effects from a medication she's taking for a physical problem, not her bipolar meds.

So she was feeling ill. Naomi could see I was amping with energy so I had to go second. Then I did 90% of the talking, calling the drug service an ineptly run dump and slagging off the nurse I partiularly hate, who isn't the one who wanted to label me on the "anxious-avoidant personality disorder" and "dependent personality disorder" axis. Dependent in this context means somebody who is a real white mouse of a person who kind of obeys everything some stronger character thinks they should say and do. Which is yeah so much like me. I really hang my self-esteem on other people. Honestly!

[She came up with this bucketload of shit because I was depressed during all 3 interviews and because she thinks too much. Most of her theories are really intriguing and perceptive but she does go over the top. She's a WAY better nurse than Judgemental Bitch Features who I really loathe.]

As for anxious avoidant I may have anxiety, but if I do it doesn't come with the worrying, obsessively turning over negative thoughts to do with things that won't happen style of thinking. My way of coping is to smack anything negative out of my head. And I don't need the drug smack to do that. To give her credit she did say I'd "satisfied" the diagnostic criteria for mania during my yummy cold turkey detox. But as I EXPLAINED TO HER there's a little proviso in italics under that one saying "not initiated or maintained by an organic aetiological factor" ie you're not manic if you're in heroin withdrawal.

I am going a bit nuts on these DVDs I'm buying. I got another four last night and three today. I FOUND YOUNG VICTORIA. It's Scorsese-directed and A1 though my poor attention span had me losing the plot within 15 minutes or so. The only film I can really tolerate is Mamma Mia because I like the tunes. I got Chicago which is DIRE and I have to say Renee Zellwegger getting fucked by some random man in scene one does NOT make for a certificate 12 in my opinion. I wouldn't want my 12 year old kid watching that.

I got a 3-pack for "only" £7 of Dr Zhivago, Ben Hur and Gone With The Wind. It's Gone With The Wind I hate out of that lot, the other 2 are really cool, especially Ben Hur. Dr Zhivago is more like filmic wallpaper. Anyone who truly has the attention span for that really has my respect. The music is fantastic.

Today I got something called Role Models which is about someone who goes on an Energy Drinks bender (comedy) and a twin-pack American Dreamz (X Factor piss-take) and Intolerable Cruelty (both comedy) and Case 39, which I misread as Case 69 and thought it was about an orgy but it's "supernatural thriller" but disappointingly only certificate 15 ie probably not scary at all. I like STRONG SUPERNATURAL HORROR. Only kind of action film I can tolerate. Ghosts and ghouls! Action films just have me staring at the "action" forgetting what I'm doing, what's going on and on a DVD I'd press eject. They don't excite or impress me.

Apart from GOOD costume drama and GOOD musicals what I really like is COMEDY. Laughter, as they say is the best medicine. Bounty Hunter with Jennifer Anniston was good. Though why on earth it came in a bright pink case I haven't a clue. Hopefully it put lots of people off buying it so I could have it. That's my theory. I love Jennifer Anniston. I'm looking for Bruce Almighty because I like the bit where he makes her boobs bigger.

Well that's today. If you wanna hear more about nutter club there isn't much except me being banged on at by Naomi for not taking my medication (I'm not going to lie). She did aske me why I originally wanted it. NOT TO BE DEPRESSED was the main reason. And going so incredibly fast and hyper high I couldn't even think in English. If I start going that fast I'll take it again and it works QUICK so no worries there. If I crash badly I'm going in the nuthouse. I'm not sitting at home staring into space. Last time the aerial fell off the TV and I didn't notice for 2 days.

Well that's me I'm off. Take care everyone ;-) :-)



dunno exactly what this video is, but if it's trance it's good
o it's a bit slow, ho-hum, tunes are ok though
actually now i've heard a bit some of the tunes aren't bad
LISTEN TO IT



ok sorry about that chillout music this is a bit better
GATECRASHER was a northern club where grown men put sticky stars on their faces
all in the name of trance
my trance was hard hippietastic Return To The Source trance
this is what's called Eurotrance, but it's still OK



OK THIS IS RETURN TO THE SOURCE
proper Goa trance
the parties I went to were way more bangin than this but it's a good start
bear in mind a good dj would cut out the "musical chronic fatigue syndrome" beginning and get straight to the "mother ship is landing" proper psychotrance bits
there's a good bit of tune about 3 mins 50 into it: THAT is banging trance!



20:38 I'm watching that Club 69 "supernatural horror" thing in the dark to try and make it more scary. It stars Renee fucking Zelwegger but hopefully she'll be demonically possessed or something. She's really fucking annoying that woman I won't go into why it's something she said in an interview that made me think "you uptight selfish cow". She's very good as Bridget Jones it has to be said. OK it's been going 5 mins and not a ghoul to be seen...

20:52 lights back on; can't see punctuation marks on computer keyboard
no way am i watching a film without surfing the net at the same time, i do not have the focus to give anything my undivided attention these days

Mentally Ill

I MIGHT AS WELL CUT STRAIGHT TO THE CHASE: I AM MENTALLY ILL. Naomi, the Dual Diagnosis lady thinks I’m getting too hyper. My Key Worker seems to think this too. Naomi went and spoke to a psychiatrist for me to find out what I’m to do about these meds that disagree with me. Answer: do as I suggested and take all 4mgs risperidone at night.

Thing is I’ve not taken any for 2 days and felt wonderful this morning. Speeding on my own neurotransmitters (and NO SPEED) and going on a DVD shopping spree. I now have 28 films on 27 discs. Meet the Parents and Meet the Fuckers, which I got for £5 is a double movie.

I also got the Incredible Journey 1 and 2, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, which is on now, Bounty Hunter starring Jennifer Anniston (love Jennifer Anniston); Gladiator; Cleopatra which I nearly had an argument over at the till over how boring it was. I said it’s moving wallpaper: you put it on silent and listen to music, eat Chinese takeaway and smoke cigarettes nobody WATCHES Cleopatra. I put it on for a bit but had to keep fast forwarding when Elizabeth Taylor was off screen that lady has some beautiful Bulgari jewellery by the way ~ thumbnail sized emeralds; The Queen (Helen Mirren); The Last King of Scotland, which I saw last night and is brilliant; Bucket List which isn’t a rude misogynistic sexual gibe at worn out women it means “a list of things to do before you kick the bucket” starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman; The Good The Bad and The Ugly which is by FAR my favourite western (I’m not into westerns unless they star Audy Murphy); Wall Street 2 disc version (what on earth is on disc 2 I’ve no idea); Silver City which is some spoof about politics (£2 from a charity shop); and The Devil’s Arithmetic which was £1 and is about a New York Jewish girl from the 21st century transported back into the holocaust. I’ll have to be in the mood for that one. Well that’s the main stuff. O yeah and Breakfast At Tiffany’s has soundtrack in German!

Pinky, my schizophrenic friend phoned me today. She thinks I sound really hyper and says I ought to be in hospital. Hospital shmospital. No way! And I’m not taking my meds for at least another week. I want some free Natural full-on Ecstasy high. I LOVE being high.

I asked Naomi whether she thought I had substance-induced mood disorder and she said no, because that’s directly phased in with a substance like crack and loses steam pretty rapidly when the crack is dropped (or whatever: nearly always an upper or a withdrawal state and I’m not on uppers and not withdrawing and she knows my heroin/methadone situation). My illness waxes and wanes and is currently getting stronger. I am going back into a 48-hour day. No sleep at all last night, I was buzzing too much to be bothered sleeping and did recline in bed in a position I’d usually sleep in. No sleep came so ten minutes later (waste no time, that’s my philiosophy!) I was up and pottering about. By early morning I felt pretty high. Mid morning I felt wonderful. I’m tired and a bit ragged now but still hyped up and it feels brilliant to be high not on drugs. Like I’m finally coming home to a Perfect State of Being. I don’t care whether it’s called mentally ill or not. I did point out that hypomania is NOT an illness, but neither Naomi nor my Worker seemed convinced. I was rabbitting so much they had to just tell me to stop talking and start talking about their own boring matters which I’ve forgotten anyway. Also I called the Mental Health Nurse a c**t which made both of them laugh uproariously then have to compose themselves and be all professional.

I also googled substance induced mood disorder and substance induced b-----r and was shocked to find nothing matching me at all. And I checked the American Journal of Psychiatry and everything. “Substance induced” should not be confused with the so-called “kindling” phenomenon, where antidepressants and illicit drugs intensify mood episodes, possibly triggering bipolarity and making the illness more severe. After “kindling” you get mood swings anyhow whether or not you go on taking drugs. Substance induced means DIRECTLY induced by a substance or substance withdrawal. I checked carefully and what Naomi said seems true. Unfortunately. Because if this is so I’m really going to have trouble convincing this psychiatrist I’m not mental.

So this means I have to find ingenious ways to wriggle out of what I knew was wrong with me anyhow. It has ALL the major symptoms of a certain condition with 2 phases. In one you get depressed, in the other you get hyper. A third state exists where you have aspects of both at the same time. I’m not naming it as I don’t want to curse my happiness. This condition is labelled a “severe mental illness” which made me blow my top and rant loudly about the Mental Health C**t who suggested I might have a personality disorder an an anxious-avoidant one at that! This certain condition which I decline to name which I might well have is pretty much DIAMETRICALLY OPPOSITE to anxious avoidant personality disorder, though avoidant behaviour is common in the depressed phase. This disorder is associated with artists, business tycoons and high achievers and it is NOT schizophrenia. It is a mood disorder. And if you can’t work out what I mean look up bipolar.

I still have no official diagnosis. If I do get diagnosed as a pie-bowler I shall be intensely upset I can tell you that for nothing. Because that will mean I’m a manic-depressive junkie. I mean what greater Loser title can you get? And if I do have that one I’ll probably be on psych meds for LIFE. The fact that I go UP not down off meds is yet another sign that this nasty thing is probably me.

That is all I want to say on the subject. Until I hear more news I’m going to try and steer off this issue because it doesn’t make me happy. It makes me feel very upset and angry because I suspected I had this disorder more than ten years ago and nobody listened. The people who said I acted like I had it (on selected occasions) had ALL seen it first-hand and knew the behaviour. Behaviour I was displaying by being hyped up, impatient, irritable and euphoric. As years went by these symptoms were initially squashed by heroin, then they started emerging again. Weird symptoms like a racing brain accompanied by a very nice buzzing feeling, buzzing so much I remember on one occasion about three years ago having to restrain myself from yelling obscenities out the window into the street. I just felt really really hyped up that day. And I thought I was depressed!

Well I’m going now I refuse to muse on this issue but I’m warning y’all this is what everyone seems to think is wrong with me. Mental health professionals, mental health sufferers ~ and me. And they’re not picking up the idea from me, they’re TELLING me, you see. I have been scrupulously avoiding using any vocabulary associated with this condition, yet they still seem to recognize it in me.

I won’t despair until the Consultant Headshrinker (yeah I have a consultant psychiatrist, not a trainee one) tells me my life is over. Until then I’m thoroughly enjoying yet another free high!

Take care everyone and don’t worry about me. I’m not worried. You shouldn’t be either.

L8Rs xx

PS sorry if this doesn't flow nicely. I'm not reading back over stuff I don't want to know about. I have to put this down for the record. Naomi's sayso will be confirmed or overturned in due course but only my Consultant can do that. My Consultant is on leave. I have an appointment in two weeks' time ... perhaps I'll know more then ...

PPS Nutter Club tomorrow. I hope we talk about little fluffy clouds and other nice things. I'm not in the mood for ANY MORE talk about ANYONE being mentally ill. It's starting to do my head in