Far better than earlier

MY ACCIDENTAL "OVER" DOSE IS WEARING OFF. I am 90% sure I took 8mg risperidone instead of the prescribed 4mg. 8mg is the maximum ordinary dose for bipolar; 10mg the maximum ordinary dose for schizophrenia. Some patients (exceptionally) take up to 16mg but not being used to 8mg it knocked the crap outta me. And it WAS accidental. Not every day I didn't take it was accidental but no way would I deliberately take too much. I put the pill on the side ready for me to take and thought I'd lost it. In actual fact I'd almost certainly taken it. I feel such an idiot. So that drivel you got earlier is just how I feel on too many pills I'm afraid. Sorry I can't come up with something more positive when I'm in a negative state of mind. I took heroin again today and again it was rubbish. This on borrowed money as the DSS have messed up my claim. They're paying 2 weekly and thoughtfully inormed me of this when I was in a manic psychosis so of course none sank in. I vaguely knew the spacing was changing from weekly to fortnightly; what I didn't grasp was that I'd have to do a week on NOTHING. Thanks so much DSS. You wanna know my change in my medical condition GET FUCKED. I'm not telling them nothing.

If I inform them I'm diagnosed schiz-affective they'll only use it to play mindgames against me. No I do not trust them.

Thank y'all for finding so many links. Michael David Crawford's Living With Schizoaffective Disorder geometricvisions link was particularly good. Like me he tells people he's bipolar. It is easier to understand than schizoaffective wheich means bipolar with sparkly knobs on. Like MDC I hallucinate too much to be bipolar eg when I'm ill (not all the time) one time I bought a cyder and my change jingled "fuck off!" at me. My psychiatrist said that is schizoaffective not bipolar. I didn't bang on about the weirder stuff, more the more ordinary stuff to do with mood swings. Yet still he recognized schizoaffective when he saw it. My coping mechanisms are low for bipolar, which is again schizoaffective. So I accept what is wrong with me.

Seaneen at the secret life of a manic depressive says to me congratulations you're the top rung of the psychiatric ladder. Which means I'm less likely to be deliberately mucked around like a person with anxiety disorder would be, so I'm glad to be taken seriously even if it is in a way I wouldn't like. Seaneen is only joking. She's a brave girl who has had severe bipolar disorder since her teens. If you didn't laugh, as they say, you'd cry. And in most circumstances laughter outdoes tears. She got a big knock back when the Kings College, London nursing course she'd set her heart on turned her down, but like I told her, she's only so upset because she WILL make a difference, WILL put her heart into whatever she does. Just by reading her I can tell she would be a credit to whatever institution, company, team she joined.

Somehow she manages to handle her illness without being childish. I know I am being childish when I mention suicidal ideation and everything being pointless and worthless. That's how I feel, but how can I express it in a grown up way? I have absolutely no idea. Most people don't blog their actual breakdowns the way I did, so maybe it's par for the course. I don't know.

Well I'm here on my own with Michael Jackson singing. I looked EVERYWHERE for some music I could tolerate on repeat play and Michael Jackson was all I could find. Bear in mind I'm talking DVDs not CDs so it must have good videos. A lot of music I like has no videos at all. So Michael Jackson it was, along with Abba (Mama Mia) and Varied Contemporary (Moulin Rouge). HMV seem to have a thing against Madonna. Not one single disc of any description. Madonna's collected videos I would have gone for but they weren't there.

Thanks again for all the links; I'm going to look through them more carefully. No link any of you came up with was one I'd already read and I have googled away. I still don't get what illness I'm meant to have. Is it bipolar plus schizophrenia (the implication is NO). Is it a cross between the two (the implication is yes). In ordinary people's terms I'd say schizoaffectives I've met were the most messed up of all psychiatric patients. They get ultra-floridly psychotic: manic with even more psychosis. In psychiatric terms disorganized or hebephrenic schizophrenia (that strikes in the mid to late teens and strikes HARD) is probably the worst psychosis you can get. Most people's idea of psychotic apperas to be paranoid schizophrenia. You have to bear in mind there's also depressive psychosis, manic psychosis and schizophrenic psychosis as well as paranoid psychosis. Each of these has a very distinctive flavour, which is why I say being in a madhouse is FAR more interesting than being in a drug detox. Heroin/crack addiction bends unique people the same way. While nutters go mad after their own fashion. I mean I went into a space where I was the centre of a tornado universe my head so frazzled I had no English thoughts just Noise. Now I didn't even know it was possible to go mad like that. But I did. That is severe mania. See I learned something from my experience. I hope one day I would be able to help another person. As it is I need help to help myself and I do need it. I'm tired and I don't know what to do. It's confusing being ill and dull being less ill (a psychiatrist would say I was still unwell, I know the way they think now) so I'm stuck between a frying pan and a fire all the time. How the hell I find my way to sanity I've absolutely no idea.

And thanks again DSS for making me have to go begging on the street, something I only did for tube fares, food and drugs when I needed heroin money. Now I need to do it just to survive. So thanks DSS for accepting how fucked up I am on paper then treating me like I'm able to negotiate beaurocracy only someone in a paid job should be expected to deal with. I'm putting this to Deshane on Thursday. This week there is a special nutter club because it's ENDING and I don't want to go. I went last week as a gesture of support more than anything and nearly had a panic attack over it so I just don't know what to do. I'm fed up of forcing myself into things in the name of "being grown up" and just suffering, gaining nothing from it.

I learned from the schizoaffective write up that of the 3 personality types: weird (eccentric); avoidant (anxious) and antisocial (don't-care) I'm the first yeah a weirdo so no wonder I have schizophrenia!

Right I have to go I'm dying for a cigarette. I hope y'all are well and thanks again for the links they were very handy.


PS Didn't someone recommend the film Bucket List to me? I looked and looked but cannot find the comment, but thanks whoever gave it. I've got that already on DVD, I bought it during my manic DVD shopping-spree!

Illustrated: see how tiny my robo-hammies actually were. These are fully grown specimens! They're very flighty and like nothing more than pinging onto the floor and vanishing for days at a time. Itchy (the only one of my 3 who was remotely hand-tame)spent more than a week of her life AWOL on 3 separate occasions, the swine!

Ideas and/or Advice, Please!

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO SORT OUT MY BENEFITS STUFF TODAY. They paid me the grand total of £21 this week; I've no idea why. So now I know the correct number I have to ring back tomorrow when they're open. I also am meant to tell them I have schizoaffective disorder. I got a letter a while back that seemed irrelevant but it said underneath that any change in your medical condition must be notified. I don't think the name makes any difference but it might mean I get treated a bit different (if anything, better). They don't seem to quibble so much with severe mental illness whereas depression they subject you to a test to see how depressed you actually are. With this I don't see what test they can do, I just feel too confused a lot of the time to do a lot of basic things. Sad but true. I don't know how I'm going to rise above this one. Depression I fought against but mania you can't fight against it's too intense and also feels nice most of the time, so I don't know what to do. And the schizo-bit in schizo-affective just feels too weird for words so I don't know how to dea with it. Not very good I know but true. They might push me down a pit with people sword fighting like people on television now but I don't know how I'll survive. See I feel confused these thoughts come in my head and I push them out but I push out everything else too so I dont know what to keep in there. This is why I get ill, because I don't understand. I try. I do try. But I feel confused.

Does anybody out there know about schizoaffective disorder and what things I can do self-help wise? PLEASE. Anybody? If you can direct me to a good website or just a forum I'd be ever so grateful. I'm floundering about knowing I have "symptoms" of this "tripolar disorder" (because there are 3 things I get: mania, depression and schizophrenia) and knowing broadly which symptom and experience is flavoured with what, but I don't know what to DO. I want to know what to DO. And why I should do it? And what I might achieve... Please anybody who knows please answer. You don't need to be a fellow sufferer or an expert I'm just after ideas. Remember I have had depression for years and am glad I followed my inkling not to indulge in books that didn't mention Seasonal Affective (SAD) or bipolar. Because I've always thought my depression was partly psychological and partly biological. Even though I hadn't a clue I was schizoaffective until the dr told me so, I've followed the right path, where you accept your illness has a biological component. Purely herbal tea and counselling based stuff just ain't gonna cut it with my illness. I accept I need to take meds. I can feel when I haven't taken them, usually. Apart from Saturday night when I honestly forgot my pill (I'm on one pill now; 1x4mg risperidone rather than 2x2mg, which are too easy to get confused over) I wasn't messing about I really did forget to take it. And for once didn't get "a free coke binge" I just felt nothing bar a sluggish depression I've been in for days. Depression which now has a slight excited tinge in the background. I'm hoping this means a mood switch is occurring.

Yes I used HEROIN today but it did nothing. It was so weak. I wish I wouldn't do it. It doesn't take away "psychotic" things (which I don't really have today) and it doesn't dampen down my bad moods any more so I wish I'd get it THROUGH MY THICK HEAD THAT I'M WASTING MY TIME.

Im pissed off with NA because I shared even though it fucking hurt to do so I still shared something that is personal that I don't have to share and not one fucking person gave any response except the kind of response you get when they know you're using drugs still. I mean I told them I had bipolar mood swings and not one person could think of one faintly constructive thing to say about that.

I don't know what I was expecting. Certainly not "there there" type crap but something. I expected something and I don't think my expectations were unreasonable. Considering nearly ALL bipolar people use drugs which means there must be a lot of manic depression "in the rooms" as they say I expected more. So I was right when I realized NA was NOT for me. They cannot help me, they do not help me. Only seductive thing about NA is the attitude that taking medication is wrong, so I can "not use" my antipsychotics and have "a free coke binge" on them. That is a free manic episode, even a short one for a couple of days. But I'm trying to be grown up and responsible, I don't know why, but I am. Am trying.

I felt misunderstood by them when I took up going again and I still feel misunderstood and unappreciated.

Bear in mind I have been coming to NA for over 10 years, since I very first saw a problem developing, so I know NA, know their philosophy and their ways and feel let down, now that I genuinely want to be clean and serene I feel nobody has made any effort towards me, not genuine effort. All I get is "do a detox" (ie have a psychotic episode) and likeminded stuff in other words they're telling me to go crazy. I'm willing to go crazy as long as I can do it IN THEIR HOUSE. That will teach them to throw out platitude-ridden advice, when they see what happens when I "detox" and "go clean" as they believe clean is.

TIESTO/RALPH FRIDGE: PARADISE
when i went mad that time my shower kept saying "paradise paradise" after this song!



I'm not getting too wound up by Narcotics Anonymous and I refuse to throw the baby out with the bathwater. But I'm only doing one meeting per week at the moment. You have to bear in mind I have bad memories of coming to NA having heard voices all the way there on the bus, then locking myself up in a dark room with them in a psychotic state only for them all to believe I was high on crack when I was "high" yes, but on nothing! Just like you I have only a certain tolerance for such bullshit and then I start feeling genuinely upset. You see I know the name of my disorder now and it's not a good one. Now I have to tell the Social Security this crap, which I don't want to, but they need to know. They do say any change in your condition should be notified to us so fuckit I'll notify them. What on earth they'll do with that information I hesitate to think. You see I had symptoms and knew I wasn't right. Then this doctor tells me in these same words "I think you have a mental illness". I have never thought of myself as "mentally ill" before. Depression is supposedly a mental illness but it didn't make me feel mentally ill. Only the crash from mania into depression has truly made me feel injured and ill. Very very sick and ill. The crash I had in December counts as one of five all time worsts. The fact that there are FIVE not one probably says a lot but I'm not dwelling on that one. Do you understand why I disengage rather than wallow? If I wallowed I would never get out of self pity and it would destroy me. I'd rather pretend nothing is wrong than wallow in the wrongness. I don't care if I'm doing the wrong thing; life is so very difficult I don't know what else to do.

TRANCE VISIONS: PARADISE (KOMAKINO REMIX)



Well I hope I've been grown-up enough today I don't feel grown up. I feel like the parent of a 3 year old child ~ as per usual ~ saying "DO THIS! DON'T DO THAT!" and the recalcitrant child barely listens..!

And how was YOUR DAY? rsvp!


RALPH FRIDGE: PARADISE (PUSH MIX)

Deer Hunter Music

MOOD SWINGS. I nearly had a panic attack in Sainsbury's. But I have decided panic attacks and me are NOT going to share a bed. Absolutely no way. I went out and scored 3 Valium blues (10mgs) now I feel all zonged. But way more with it than I was on meds last night.

I have been sleeping really well. Didn't want to get up at 12:30 today but I had to.

Problem with anything antimanic; it's liable to make you a bit depressed. Today I felt manic inside my skull but not outside it. Which meant my head was clanging. Saying the same syllables over and over in my brain. I'm glad I didn't have access to a computer: knowing me I would have posted them.

There is nothing else to put up. No positivity as I have done no positive things. All I want is to run away and hide from life. It's all too too much. Today I had to go home early I know when I have gone to my limit. When I push myself past it I just end up as a nervous wreck so better NOT push too far. See I am mentally disabled now. Not in principle; in practice. If I can talk and move hands I can type. I don't drive so I don't know whether I'd be able to in this state. If it's too much to do the basics it's too much to move pedals, steering wheel and gear stick. It just is.

I was googling stuff to do with death and came across someone who has said "there is no quick and painless way to die so I am going to pick up the pieces of my life and carry on; maybe you will too". You have to get out of your head that death is negative. Death is positive. I just hate being left behind. I would be very nervous facing eternity but I would still go through with it. If I could dive into a pool of infinity and execute a perfect dive, I'd do it. Then again I was too inept to do it when I really wanted to. Poisoned myself and felt really bad. Now I'm too pussy to try again. So I'm still here. Don't worry about me. Still here. Always will be. I will probably outlive you all knowing me. So worry about yourself before you worry about me.



This is what legal medication does to me:~

DOES ANYBODY KNOW THE FILM THE DEER HUNTER? This is the tune Cavatina, that makes such haunting music. I love that track. Although the film is supposed to e about PostTraumatic Stress Disorder and how it affects one character, eeen Robert DeNiro who pays hard" first and only Iie Ill see that and they were masquerading... see this is what medication does to you. Makes you forget.

Earlier on Tuesday I felt so low and depressed (physically exhausted as well as mentally "ill" I nearly went to bed. My phone kept ringing but I wouldnt answer it. heroin doesnt work. Now my mood has risen anyhow. Far more rapidly than heroin ever works. I spose Im a rapid cycler, in psychiatric termonology.
DEER HUNTER: CAVATINA

Antidepressants

I NEED ANTIDEPRESSANTS. But they don't work. They make me cuckoo (high). I have a great big crispy purple £20 note that could buy antidepressants in brown form. That one doesn't get me cuckoo. Crack and mirtazapine belong in the same category. Difference: mirtazapine (ironically) = more manic-depressive (I went DOWN on mirtazapine after going UP how crappy is that from something that's supposed to level you out?!) crack makes more paranoid. Extreme paranoia. I once thought people were climbing up the walls of the house and hid inside a home-made tent... the one you use once you're fed up of flashing at hidden cameras. That's nutnut for you. I never thougt I was a nutter despite all this. If I'd been a bit more naive I'd have blurted loads of this to psych staff years ago but I knew what paranoid/suicidal ideation meant. Knew what implied what and what they might eventually diagnose from what pattern. Because it's like joining dots. Akh I hate doctors. All I'm trying to do today is join dots of happiness. I have what they call a rapid cycle. That means I confuse myself because I don't know when Im up or down except when it's so extreme... I mean yesterday despite the nerves I was dunking biscuits while I shared at NA. All casual-like. (Manic-casual.) Not one person said anything except someone laughed knowingly. I'm not offended by THAT if I was I'd not have shared to start with. I didn't expect Absolution. Hey it would be funny if that person thought I was lying, would give me something to play up to. Sometimes I annoy myself by doing this; if somebody gets an idea of me that I don't agree with I'll show them the idea is true in the most ridiculous, eventually pantomimic way. When another person is there I never break eye contact with the first to shoot a look over. That gives you away. I do it like a professional actor, never once breaking stride, despite the ridiculousness. Usually I am pretending to be naive or stupid, my 2 favourite things I love to show people. I wear soft on the outside! Just like a tiger. All furry and cute. Nobody sees my teeth unless they rile me to it.

Did you know the lifetime "risk" of developing a substance disorder in type 1 bipolar (severe type) is 61% according to one study. I thought 50% sounded ridiculously small. I would estimate the true figure to be around 85 or 90%. 50% was supposed to be the number of bipolars who ever used drugs. Type 2 bipolar means mostly depressed with manic blips that never amount to full mania. I never got full mania until this year it's the only "up" I would recognize as illness because my head starts saying "power hour shower power shower" that's literally what I think and I say a mixture of things (incoherently, so I'm told that is with the topic jumping all over the place). I have every single diagnostic category among the 7 or so including reckless buying sprees (DVDs) I have so many they fill an armchair and they were bought mostly in 4 days. Great thing is EVERY SINGLE ONE is one I'd ring in the TV guide, so they're shit I WANT. Ben Hur I might not be in the mood for every day. Or Cleopatra. Or Dr Zhivago (a triple £5 pack) but they're there for when I do feel like watching lots of beautiful music and snow (Dr Zhivago) or Burton-Taylor (Cleopatra) or ancient stuff (Ben Hur). Shit no Gone with the Wind was the third in the treble pack, I hate that one but it came essentially free.

Does anyone care about any of this I can't think Up anything to say now so I'm going now.


Illustrated: famous people supposedly with bipolar. Vincent Van Gough is a maybe. Virginia Wolf definitely. Britney Spears absolutely no idea. Kurt Cobain: writing a song called lithium and then shooting yourself does not equal bipolar!

Plum Tree by Van Gogh, Japanese lettering even worse than mine

23:22 Schizoaffective Link. I still don't know what bloody disorder I'm meant to have or what the hell it actually is. [I got diagnosed schizoaffective.] I'm just NOT COMPLAINING that my main symptom is ELEVATED MOOD despite the fact that I had pretty full-blown melancholia this afternoon: exhaustion, Siberian low mood, suicidal thoughts, a feeling of intense guilt and wrongness and the idea that I would never ever feel any better about anything, by mid-evening I was fine by ten o'clock I felt a bit manic even..... PLUS I have "schizophrenia"..! Only fucking disease that made me cry just thinking I could have it and I fucking have it! No-one can ever say I was blowing things out of proportion again because I wasn't I was keeping something so fucking intense it was like a road drill through the head (psychotic mania) and keeping that like it was a little furry hammy in a nest, keeping that inside me head... ukk. How did all this happen?

SINEAD O'CONNOR: REBEL SONG
this is a traditional Irish ballad; despite the title it's more a lullabye than anything else

Dont' Take Heroin, Gledwood

AKH WHAT am I doing? Using heroin then going to NA. Well it's good to go to NA; bad to use heroin. I don't WANT to be using heroin. Now I have it I feel I never need it again. It's all inside me but I feel no diferent to how I've felt a million times before WITHOUT gear. So I don't need gear, don't want gear. I refuse to lie about when I take gear. Can't be doing with making myself sound all clean when I'm not. So I have to be direct.

And I told NA I was bipolar which is of course only half the truth as I'm bipolar+; but I told as much as I was willing to share with a group of people I don't really know. I felt nervous enough to feel my voice go quavery. Which is better than ROARING as I have before. So hard to strike a balance. I told them I reckoned they deserved an explanation. I know more people at this group than any other it is just one bus ride away, rather than 2, or a train as so very many others are, so I call them my home group.

It's really pathetic to use heroin. Why do I do it? I have no excuses. I don't need excuses. I only got diagnosed because I had gone beyond the point of desperation. Then I went beyond that going ga-ga-ga at the top of my voice in the kitchen. (No wonder the neighbours give me a wide berth.)

I don't care what anyone thinks. Well not THAT much. (Wouldn't put it online for any person in the entire world with internet to access if I did.) But this is why I can't face interviews. Someone asked me if I would do an interview but the timing came just after I'd gone potty and couldn't keep my head together so I gave no answer. In fact my email is so randomizedly badly answered I'm sure I've offended loads of people.

Please don't be offended if you sent me email and I didn't get back to you. I find it hard enough to keep a blog going, attention wise. So email on top is difficult.

If you email and don't get an answer back, please comment. Or comment saying you emailed and direct me to the date you sent it and I'll find it and get back to you.

Does American grass really cost $300 an oz? I'm watching American beauty.

Hey American beauty is quite good. I like the 42 year old Kevin Spacey plays.

I have to go now. DON'T TAKE HEROIN GLEDWOOD. EVER AGAIN.

*******

AMERICAN BEAUTY (KEVIN SPACEY): AMERICAN WOMAN
i love this: it's what stoned on spliff looks like



AMERICAN BEAUTY (ANNETTE BENNING): DON'T RAIN ON MY PARADE
i love this: this is what good-mood manic looks like

Flight of the Blue Tits

DOES ANY OF MY WRITING ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE? Or is it just me reading it back wonky? It seems to be all biddybangingbong: all over the place. I don't judge other people's writing as good or bad; I just read it. Also, my attention span is all over the place. I'm having a bash at reading a fictionalized biog later on; it's in short sections with rotating perspective (ie one person speaks, then another does, so it's easier to stick with). I need to get my attention span back.

And what was I on about earlier? Akh, I was a bit hyper. I was playing the music you see in youtube screens below today's earlier post which brought back memories of love doves and mitsubishi ecstasy. My mood was up so the music took me higher into full-blown "euphoric recall". It was more than the tingly neck you get from dance music once you get into it, it was a reliving of the E-state. I think that's why I'm now called "bipolar".

Akh, how did me and words like bipolar and schizophrenia ever get together? I always knew there was something wrong and that it wasn't plain depression. Those nauseatingly repeated dsm diagnostic criteria that pop up whenever you google "depression" somehow never described me even when I felt hopeless and suicidal. Partly this was depression deluding me, partly it was having got so used to being in a negative mind-state I couldn't see the positive one required to make sense of diagnostic criteria.

I fit the manic ones far more easily than the depressed ones. Ukh. Me? Manic?? A maniac is a crazy person and crazy people are Somebody Else.

I have been trying to read up on my medical condition because apart from knowing what it is I didn't know anything about it. Now I know a little bit about it. The European and American versions of schizoaffective differ. I have the European version that is, in the language of psychiatrists, mood episodes with mood-incongruent psychotic features. I also do have symptoms of schizophrenia but didn't even know it. I never delved into schizophrenia before: you can't know if you've got it. Stuff like obsessive-compulsive or bipolar you could know about because the patterns are really clear. Schizophrenia just feels like extreme dissociation with everything taking huge effort, even simple things. That's schizophrenia. That's why schizophrenics seem lazy, they're actually stressed. It's a big thing to do a little thing. That's why things don't get done. That's why I'm in chaos. Now I get all these people helping me.

Ukh. People helping me. I just want to crawl away and hide.

I want a bird feeder for all these blue tits. I haven't actually seen a blue tit around here. They're so tiny, they're like blue sparrows only slightly smaller (more wren-like) and highly agile. They hang out more at bird-tables and are frequently seen feeding upside down. They form mixed flocks with great tits, according to Wikipedia.

I can't wait for tomorrow because tomorrow I can get some paints. Whether I actually will get them is anyone's guess. Usually I don't do anything I actually plan to. I know I should do it but get lost in the detail. There is too much gory detail in life. There is too much gore. That is why I hate life. That is why I have to win the euromillions lottery. It's £50 million next week. I need enough to get a house with high prison walls to keep the world OUT.

Well I don't feel depressed any more. I felt depressed last night so I took a load of methadone and slept deeply. Then I woke up feeling fine. There are FAR worse things you can get diagnosed with than "elevated mood" (and my mood is elevated far more than it is low) so I'm not complaining. As Serious Illnesses go I think I got just about the best one. I keep hearing about, thinking about, seeing all sorts of physical injury and disease that scares the living shit out of me. Then I'm really glad I don't have to deal with that. I might be thinking that because I'm ill, but at least I am just thinking it not being it. (And I could get lost from here on in, as I get lost in what I think... ukkkk is that why my Dr thinks I'm crazy?)

O I have to go I don't know where I'm going now. Blue tits! There ya go. Left it on a positive note didn't I!!


Illustrated: tiny tits in various positions in British gardens

7:07 Entertainment

WOW IT'S ONLY 7 in the morning. It feels later. I slept for hours and hours because I took a whole load of methadone that was full of sugar (someone else's). It doesn't make me feel stoned at high doses, but it does make me sleep at night (not even during the day though, as heroin would).

Which is the crux of the methadone issue (because it's not like heroin) but Governments love it. (Because it gives outward signs of improvement.) Most addicts aren't willing or ready to improve that much and so methadone therapy is a waste of time. E.g. on the man who was willing to sell me £40 worth! His house is like a crackhouse. That's the place where everyone was rude. Everyone but him. He's OK. Gruff. But OK. Someone once said he was trying to intimidate me, but I don't feel intimidated by people like that. Who express how they are feeling. All they are doing is laying cards you already knew they had on the table. So dealing with them is easier.

Anyway I know a story about this one certain person that makes him out to be a Paper Tiger. I had another friend who was genuinely Hard and they came into conflict...

I don't particularly like the word Hard, when Strong and Tough describes somebody better. There's someone else I know like that and I respect him for it. Then people get to know me and call me "Hard" which annoys me. I also used to get called Cynical when I'm just normal in that respect. So people can be self-centred and nasty and I can see that. Ain't cynical: that's being realistic. It was when a heroin addict was banging on about how you "have to do stuff for your grandkids" and I was like "yeah once you've had a hit first" ~ and we all know that is the reality of heroin addiction. Once you've had your gear you're ready to Engage. Before that, no engagement can or will take place. And what little does comes with a whole slew of resentment. Forcing a heroin addict into meaningful activity before their heroin is like forcing a starving man to work before giving him any food. It won't make him like you.

Last night I put on Meet the Fockers again. My mood had fallen at about 7pm and I was pissed off. No longer manic but depressed. Manic depression. Doncha just hate it! I was particularly offended when my shrinko used those 2 words together in that phrase as if manic and depressed have to be 2 components of the same thing (but they are: I just hate it).

I was also very bothered and pissed off that I have schizophrenia. That is what schizoaffective MEANS. It means bipolar + schizophrenia and I know the schizzy bits in me. They are the bits that don't add up that I couldn't explain to another person. Like rooms in a house divided by bullet proof glass walls. Just because you can see into doesn't mean you're GETTING into or that anything gets out. What comes out is a report of that which is viewed not experienced. The experience takes place in that impregnable fortress of an experience-bubble. One day, to those of you who are interested, I will try and explain what is schizzy in me. Because I do think I grasp it. Just can't do it at 8 o'clock (as it is now) in the morning.

My roses are opening beautifully in their pint glass, especially one. The other has gone limp. I just cut the stem again. Now they look like Little and Large. Tomorrow I'm getting some Art Stuff to make my trotterdonkey Acrylic Paintings for my wall.

So this is now; that is then. I've got to go. Pizza and tea ready.


FRANTIC
i used to go to this club, it was nuts
and this is the sort of music i used to go eeeeeeing to: psychedelic hardhouse



these ones all have that unmixed compilation cd quality. a good dj would flash the next tune over the old one and dijjydit through so you're bouncing on the old one and then the E!-E!-E!-E!-E!-E!-E! energy of the new one takes you flying off....

HARDHOUSE MIX
stonkinstompin
but why the words? hardhouse = no words! CMON!!! i love the choon tho



CLASSIC HARDHOUSE 2 i love this one
what does this say to you, that squeaky word says all different words
squeakymunchtime diginmymind it's like a musical pill-dispenser
this one has words but the words are in the tune not outside of, that's what works better



this is what i've got. i have symptoms of bipolar schizoaffective disorder

Mood Switch

I HAD A BEAUTIFUL MOOD SWITCH about 2 and a half hours ago (17:30 hrs). Suddenly from crying over the word schizoaffective and feeling shitty, without any warning, I felt like I'd had a fat line of best charlie* and was ping bling BLIING yeah! Up. Not really really up but a bit hypomanic.

Which I now know I really was when I thought I might be but wasn't sure and got totally lost in a pile of diagnostic tosh. I think this dr is right. He's a consultant psychiatrist who has seen me 4 or 5 times with no pretence or bullshit at all on my part especially the past 3 or 4 times (feels like 4; only recall 3) when I had have/was having a mental breakdown. And as he himself said differential diagnosis (ie what it is if it's not schizoaffective disorder rapid cycling bipolar type is type 1 bipolar, rapid cycle. No question at all about that.

Mania means far FAR more than just being in a good mood. It means being really quick and more to the point having loads of energy, especially mental energy. The symptoms of bipolar are like biorhythms; they go up and down but not all in sync which is how weird crossover states happen (like having loads of mental but no physical energy or being manic and in a shitty mood) manic also means irritable and volatile. Mania is NOT delirious happiness and bipolar doesn't mean switching between happy and sad. [Whoever it was said that wants shooting between the eyes!] It means switching between high and low energy. Fast and slow more than high and low. Extreme mania is frankly terrifying and nonsensical. That is what I was putting up with a few weeks ago when all the rave music appeared.

My main problem apart from living in utter chaos is that my memory has gone very poor, on antipsychotics as well as off, so I can't blame the pills (unfortunately). I don't know their side effects and don't want to. I'm not quite as obsessional and neurotic as I might appear to be. I don't cry out for help often until past the point of saving. Y'all need to bear in mind that in reading my blog you're reading my own journal, my sounding board to myself, so I say things here I wouldn't bang on about in real life, probably to anyone.

I told Valium Marilyn I was "bipolar" because I know she knows what that means. "Yeah but what do doctors know?" was her response and I agreed with her. I'm bipolar as in 2 poles, I accept that. All else I refuse to dwell on any more than you would. I have to go now, EastEnders is two thirds gone already ...


22:54 please someone comment something. tell me what the weather is like on the other side of the world, or indeed in London if you're here. is it freezing cold? i think no, Valium Marilyn thinks yes, I tell her "you're ill darling, it's fine" in fact I was wearing fewer clothes as spring is springing up up UP high HIGHER and HIGHER, lovely yummy high!

0222 i have just reluctantlz popped my antipsychotics; i took 1.5 instead of 2 because 2 gives me side effects, I'm going to crawl the dose up to 2. I know I shouldn't do this but the person prescribing them isn't having to take them so I'm doing all I can. I don't want to take any frankly as I know I'd be going pretty full-on without them as it is I'm only mildish manic but I feel fantastic when I go with it, like I'm conducting music, bashing a tennis ball back and forth in technicolor hyperspace... mmmmm:


*(Charlie is cocaine.)

02:27 THIS SOUNDS pretty slow music compared to the HARDCORE RAVE i've had bangin away in my head but still it brings back the day mid-late 80s:~~~~~~~

Hyper-Real

SCHIZOAFFECTIVE DISORDER. That's me. Differential diagnosis: bipolar disorder. He said: do you open your mail? And looked at me knowingly. Well I would if something was coming from you. So he dictated the mail in front of me. That's how I know the phrase "differential diagnosis" it means if I'm not schiz-bipolar I'm just bipolar.

See I told you I didn't all add up. It explains why I keep wanting to laugh when something is "DEADLY SERIOUS" and why I enjoy walking through graveyards in the dark. Actually it doesn't explain that one. Someone once said that one about Madonna: "she was the sort of person who would take a short-cut through a cemetary at midnight" and I once lived in a house backing on to a cemetary. So I took midnight short cuts all the time. Thinking of Madonna (True Blue baby I love you) some of the time.

Sorry I can't make this more serious it just explains.
Explains.
An awful awful awful lot.



... AND NOW FOR A MUSICAL BREAKDOWN
if this doesn't drive you crackers, nothing will

5pm Sour

I CAN'T KEEP UP. I can't keep any buzz any happiness anything good that I feel, it just falls flat, like an actress in a long dress walking up steep stairs in high heels I fall down flat. I've lovely alcohol in my system but I just feel slightly drunk plus depressed. And I have to go to this doctor on Thursday and try not to present as a picture of self-pitying misery. If I do he will just laugh inwardly and think "bipolar". I feel like such an idiot for ever getting swept away on a high that was somehow of my own making, except I can't make it now. Trust me if anybody could get high like that the world would be full of hypomanic and manic individuals spending, bonking, dancing and wandering round in psychotic confusion, clothes inside out going "dib-dib-dib".

Ask any psychiatrist which mental condition they'd chose to have and I guarantee they'll all tell you "hypomania". That is mild mania: euphoria without paranoia, delusions or voices. So I'm watching Meet The Fockers and I still can laugh at Robert DeNiro and Barbra Streisand. If they can outdo Ben Stiller they're A1 comedians. So I try I do try I keep on trying. Where did I go wrong? Considering this was going BEFORE the heroin. I remember a friend of mine saying she wanted nothing more to do with me "while I was on drugs all the time". But I wasn't! It was mood swings she was seeing. Not drugs. I never was a druggie (a drug-taker; yes. A druggie: no!) I wasn't a druggie until I got into heroin and then I took heroin every day. Heroin flattened out my mood. No more depression. No more highs. The "high" of heroin is very mild and weak as drugs go. I only really took heroin as a chemical coping mechanism, not the indulgence people seem to assume it is. That rubbish about recapturing some original high is pure bumkum for me and most people.

Most people, self included feel little more than an indistinct wuzziness, a hot and itchy body and nausea when they first take heroin. More likely than not you'll end up with your head down the toilet, puking. Only when you get used to it: ie get hooked, do you get the full-blown opiate high. And that rapidly fades into an enhanced version of OK. I OD'd on heroin before I'd ever had a major habit, was in hospital for 2 days. And the high I got (in terms of strength, not niceness) was little higher than a 4 out of 10. Heroin feels weak. It feels clean and fluffy as fresh towels. It doesn't feel dirty or depraved and it certainly doesn't feel "hard" like a "hard drug". Crack does. Crack is drug-induced madness. Heroin makes mellow, gives very little but takes much. It takes away pain. It might eventually take your life. So this feels like it's come to and end. See ya later.

Illustrated: what Americans call a pratfall. Looks better when a pretty girl does it

Moulin Rouge

I WAS ASKING SOMEONE ABOUT A FILM with Kylie Minogue as the Absynthe Fairy, and Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman singing I couldn't for the life of me remember its name. I need films with constant music and this is a good one. I found it for £4 tonight. The idiot self service machine demanded an assistant, as I knew it would, to confirm I'm over 12 years old. And I bought a pile of tex mex pizzas as the other Morrisons have seen fit to clear their frozen pizza shelves empty. I chucked my basket on the frozen peas and stalked out.

I slept all day till 8pm. Got my methadone at 8:30am. Opening time. So I can avoid the world. Now with cherry flavoured alcohol and cigarettes and and ultra thin and crispy mexican pizza in the oven I feel OK.

All this clean shit can go hang. I just don't care any more. More you use, quicker you die. It's all good. Heroin can go take a hike. Crack is as relevant to me as weather patterns on Jupiter. Speed no way. Ecstasy ditto. I don't need uppers. They give a vastly inferior high to my own Natural One (I mean most of these substances last 4 hours maximum full-on, I was high for about four weeks straight on NOTHING, see what I mean?) Some people do use on top of mania but I think they're either truly cracked up or just have a piss-weak version of it. Stephen Fry said cocaine "evened him out" when hypomanic. LIAR! He means it intensified his high and THAT felt even. Uppers are way too jagged for my taste. The only drug that ever did it for me in an anytime anyplace anywhere way was heroin and heroin is unnecessary. From now on I will only consider taking multigram hits. Ie to use heroin as suicide. A Muslim once told me if you do yourself in eg by stabbing yourself, you'll spend eternity in hell stabbing yourself with a knife. I want to spend eternity hitting up the strongest hit of heroin I've ever taken. So I opt for that method. To die on heroin I need a low tolerance. To get a low tolerance I need reducing methadone. I'm already on methadone. So it's all good.

Sorry to post negative things. I'm forever stuck between telling the truth and telling a sanitized acceptable version that's basically a lie. So what you wanna hear?

No I'm not depressed. I'm nothing. I'm psychologically nothing. I'm NORMAL! PERFECT! OK! FINE!

I got a message yesterday about someone who had been through EXACTLY the same shit as me. Mood disorders. Personality Disorders. Strongly implied abused as a kid. I told them I WAS abused but only emotionally and not by my parents but this didn't seem enough. Then I told them some pervert who knew my name (but I didn't know him) said he'd come to pick me up when I was waving a flag at trains to make them go honk-honk from a railway bridge aged 9. But I just said "no that's not me". And I went away. I don't know what he did, because I didn't look. And this is all true. So no hidden trauma. Only trauma I remember.

Nursey only brought this up when dissociation rose it's head. Dissociation is cool it means you wander about and you're not real and/or the world is not real. A prissy weak person would let this bother them. What you do is go as deep into it as you can. It's a free drug after all. So vanish into it and don't come out. Same with mania but not depression. You don't go into depression unless you want it to kill you. The suicide rate in bipolar is 20%; in straight depression 9%. Schizophrenia is about 15%. So don't go into negativity, only positivity. The meaning of life is what life is. So make it meaningless or full of entertainment or both. But don't make it negative or you will die. If you do die bear in mind what that Headfucker said and use a delicious method of death. This is advice to self not you. If you want to kill yourself do yourself a favour. Fuck off and go elsewhere. I'm not into giving suicide tips.

Only thing that does my head in. I can't even say what I mean without the risk of some silly probably young and lost fucker trying to take my ideas which I will never spell out in sufficient detail for anyone else to know the Method and doing Something Stupid. You wanna kill yourself? Ring the Samaritans in the UK, ring the national suicide lines in whatever other place you may be. You're online. Google the numbers.

OK this has burnt itself out I'm going. I feel shit now I was OK before. I have a certain amount of happiness and it just goes, like a butterfly disappearing into the gloom of the evening.


Illustrated: sublime and trash. Says everything

MOULIN ROUGE: ONE DAY I'LL FLY AWAY
if i can find this i'll post it up, but my broadband will jam for the next hour so let's hope it plays
it plays. i like nicole kidman's voice
ONE DAY I'LL FLY AWAY
LEAVE ALL THIS TO YESTERDAY...

Wading through honey

I WOULD HAVE SAID I CRASHED because since about 3pm I've felt increasingly lousy and it hasn't been fun.

I went into HMV, but nothing inspired me. Eventually I got Michael Jackson but 2 of the 3 discs play in black and white. If they're BOTH like that I assume they've botched an entire batch. So little point changing them. But I will. Nothing is wrong with my DVD machine. Everything else plays properly.

I got a Chinese takeaway but it's gross and I'm leaving it. I'm so greedy I will prbably want it later but it's grotesque. Undercooked onions. Yeurkh. I'm giving up on Chinese food.

Instead of buying heroin, which I only wanted to make me feel OK, I got 7 valium blues. I now have 4 left. I reckon i got ripped off because usually I can feel 1x10mg. Today i can barely feeel anything. I only took them to take something. I had 4 drinks but still feel no better. They're the new mandy cherry 4.7% vol cyder. Valium isn't an antidepressant it quells anxiety and I got HAD-tested years ago when I was far more prone to anxiety than today and came out "high depression; low anxiety". Anyway anxiety is the living pits. Far worse than anything i get. If psychiatry judged experiences on how bad they felt rather than how much of a mess they leave you, a panic attack would be judged more serious than any schizophrenia.

So that's me. All the films seemed to be about madness or they were TV shows at £40 a season and nothing at all grabs me. Michael Jackson was only for background music you can glance at. Also I wanted the full films of Thriller, Bad and Ghosts.

I could still get to an NA meeting tonight but frankly haven't the energy to walk to the bus. Plus you have to sit in a room full of junkies being contemplative, which I'm not. And I don't think about my former drug of choice ALL DAY the way I'm apparently meant to. And the well meaning but ridiculous advice I get to go rehab: you wanna see me go totally batshit crazy? Put me on a 10-day methadone taper. That will set me off like nothing else. So no, no NA today. Plus I'm fed up of hinting at my situation and getting a load of total barking-up--the-wrong tree platitudes. Most of them seem to believe I'm still using. Well they can get fucked. I don't need that. I need it less than ever today.

Bipolar?

I HAVE just been scanning the internet to find out what on earth is supposed to be wrong with me. What I found out is not very reassuring.

~ It can't be drug-induced psychosis. That is a paranoid-schizophrenia type condition. I do get paranoia but the other stuff I get is way more extreme. I don't have the symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia or drug psychosis

~ I thought there was a condition called "substance-induced mood disorder (bipolar)" but there is not. Substance-induced mood disorder is mania, hypomania (mild mania), depression or a mixed state, all of which I've had in the past 2 months. What doesn't seem to happen in substance-induced mood disorder is that the mood switches poles eg from depressed to manic (as mine did about 3 or 4 weeks ago) and if symptoms last more than a month from last drug use it's generally NOT considered substance-induced

~ Drugs can worsen bipolar disorder (a phenomenon known as kindling) but this doesn't mean they necessarily caused it. Bipolar has a strong genetic component. If you have one parent with type 1* bipolar or recurrent depression, you have up to a 40% chance of getting bipolar i disorder [my mother "can tell by the calendar" when she's going to be depressed and it happens every year. Recurrent clinical depression]

~ Heroin flattened out my moods markedly. That was the first change I noticed in my life: no more mood swings. In fact I had practically no depression in the first 2 or 3 years, so to me heroin was a mood-stabilizer, a mood stabilizer that has now been taken away

~ heroin is not generally associated with drug induced mood disorders; the culprits tend to be crack, speed, ecstasy (uppers); cannabis; psychedelics and benzodiazepine withdrawal

~ at least 50% of people with bipolar disorder abuse drugs and even more abuse drink

~ I have had literally every symptom in the diagnostic criteria for both mania and depression in the last 2 months

~ the hallucinations I had were actually more extreme than is normal. Apparently when most bipolars hear voices they just hear murmuring sounds and can't make out the words, or hear their name. This stuff was going on with me years ago in depression. Now it's clear words, sometimes sentences, and one time a half-hour monologue; I also have seen visions that is I can stare at a blank wall and a movie appears (this only happened a couple of times when I was extremely hyper)

~ I don't have all symptoms at all times. Nobody does. It's impossible to hear voices in the most intense mania as my head is full of just a roaring noise and I make a roaring noise, think a roaring noise and am a roaring noise. This is what happens when you go so incredibly fast you can no longer think

~ Naomi at the drugs clinic who is a dual diagnosis professional thinks I'm bipolar

~ I have the same symptoms and experience as everyone at Nutter Club who is bipolar. But not the schizophrenics. Since I've been coming we've only had bipolar and schizophrenia in the room

~ I have had bipolar symptoms going back 15 years; in the beginning they were mild and transitory (first triggered by antidepressants); over time they have grown more extreme. And now look at me

~ I am not diagnosed bipolar. I just have all the symptoms.

~ And if you want my opinion: when I'm high I think it's fantastic and don't care what it's called; when I'm low the idea of actually being a real life manic depressive is equal to having no life at all

Comment if you like but don't call me a hypochondriac. You haven't seen me, you've only read me. Nobody who sees me doubts I have severe mental problems. I was so out of it one time a couple of weeks or so ago that one of my friends, a 50 year old man, cried

And if you believe I'm being negative, just bear in mind that telling myself I'm sick is the one thread of reality I have left when I lose it and I do lose it. If you think I exaggerate my experience do us both a favour and drop reading this blog. I tell it as it is

Yes I still feel hyper now but have barely any psychosis (yes you can be psychotic and know it: read Kay Redfield Jamison's memoir. She's type 1 bipolar and a clinical psychologist. Knowing the terminology didn't save her from utter madness. It saves nobody)

My situation is not as extreme as it was previously. It's 4:20 I'll do 5 mins in bed but if I don't sleep in that time I'm getting back up. And that's it.

I am not saying I'm bipolar. I'm saying I have all the symptoms. There's still a chance I could somehow get off the hook on this drug-induced thing but nothing I've heard seems to back this possibility up. So this is the situation. I still don't know, but I need to know. I'm fed up of not knowing.

One last thing: yes I think too much. That's another symptom of a manic episode. "Flight of ideas" (racing thoughts).

Night all. I'm doing that 5 mins in bed in a sec. I fully intend not to sleep. (Why waste the time?)

PS I've had ONE drink today a White Ace cyder at 3.75 units alcohol (at 10mls alcohol in a unit).

*type 1 bipolar is more severe than type 2, which involves depression (which may be severe) and mild mania. Type 2 never has psychotic features; type 1 involves full mania and 70% of sufferers become psychotic at some time or other. Hearing voices or seeing visions qualifies as psychosis, whether or not you're also "delusional"

For those who are interested, BipolarAbout.com probably has the best info on the condition.

Mentally Ill

I MIGHT AS WELL CUT STRAIGHT TO THE CHASE: I AM MENTALLY ILL. Naomi, the Dual Diagnosis lady thinks I’m getting too hyper. My Key Worker seems to think this too. Naomi went and spoke to a psychiatrist for me to find out what I’m to do about these meds that disagree with me. Answer: do as I suggested and take all 4mgs risperidone at night.

Thing is I’ve not taken any for 2 days and felt wonderful this morning. Speeding on my own neurotransmitters (and NO SPEED) and going on a DVD shopping spree. I now have 28 films on 27 discs. Meet the Parents and Meet the Fuckers, which I got for £5 is a double movie.

I also got the Incredible Journey 1 and 2, Breakfast at Tiffany’s, which is on now, Bounty Hunter starring Jennifer Anniston (love Jennifer Anniston); Gladiator; Cleopatra which I nearly had an argument over at the till over how boring it was. I said it’s moving wallpaper: you put it on silent and listen to music, eat Chinese takeaway and smoke cigarettes nobody WATCHES Cleopatra. I put it on for a bit but had to keep fast forwarding when Elizabeth Taylor was off screen that lady has some beautiful Bulgari jewellery by the way ~ thumbnail sized emeralds; The Queen (Helen Mirren); The Last King of Scotland, which I saw last night and is brilliant; Bucket List which isn’t a rude misogynistic sexual gibe at worn out women it means “a list of things to do before you kick the bucket” starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman; The Good The Bad and The Ugly which is by FAR my favourite western (I’m not into westerns unless they star Audy Murphy); Wall Street 2 disc version (what on earth is on disc 2 I’ve no idea); Silver City which is some spoof about politics (£2 from a charity shop); and The Devil’s Arithmetic which was £1 and is about a New York Jewish girl from the 21st century transported back into the holocaust. I’ll have to be in the mood for that one. Well that’s the main stuff. O yeah and Breakfast At Tiffany’s has soundtrack in German!

Pinky, my schizophrenic friend phoned me today. She thinks I sound really hyper and says I ought to be in hospital. Hospital shmospital. No way! And I’m not taking my meds for at least another week. I want some free Natural full-on Ecstasy high. I LOVE being high.

I asked Naomi whether she thought I had substance-induced mood disorder and she said no, because that’s directly phased in with a substance like crack and loses steam pretty rapidly when the crack is dropped (or whatever: nearly always an upper or a withdrawal state and I’m not on uppers and not withdrawing and she knows my heroin/methadone situation). My illness waxes and wanes and is currently getting stronger. I am going back into a 48-hour day. No sleep at all last night, I was buzzing too much to be bothered sleeping and did recline in bed in a position I’d usually sleep in. No sleep came so ten minutes later (waste no time, that’s my philiosophy!) I was up and pottering about. By early morning I felt pretty high. Mid morning I felt wonderful. I’m tired and a bit ragged now but still hyped up and it feels brilliant to be high not on drugs. Like I’m finally coming home to a Perfect State of Being. I don’t care whether it’s called mentally ill or not. I did point out that hypomania is NOT an illness, but neither Naomi nor my Worker seemed convinced. I was rabbitting so much they had to just tell me to stop talking and start talking about their own boring matters which I’ve forgotten anyway. Also I called the Mental Health Nurse a c**t which made both of them laugh uproariously then have to compose themselves and be all professional.

I also googled substance induced mood disorder and substance induced b-----r and was shocked to find nothing matching me at all. And I checked the American Journal of Psychiatry and everything. “Substance induced” should not be confused with the so-called “kindling” phenomenon, where antidepressants and illicit drugs intensify mood episodes, possibly triggering bipolarity and making the illness more severe. After “kindling” you get mood swings anyhow whether or not you go on taking drugs. Substance induced means DIRECTLY induced by a substance or substance withdrawal. I checked carefully and what Naomi said seems true. Unfortunately. Because if this is so I’m really going to have trouble convincing this psychiatrist I’m not mental.

So this means I have to find ingenious ways to wriggle out of what I knew was wrong with me anyhow. It has ALL the major symptoms of a certain condition with 2 phases. In one you get depressed, in the other you get hyper. A third state exists where you have aspects of both at the same time. I’m not naming it as I don’t want to curse my happiness. This condition is labelled a “severe mental illness” which made me blow my top and rant loudly about the Mental Health C**t who suggested I might have a personality disorder an an anxious-avoidant one at that! This certain condition which I decline to name which I might well have is pretty much DIAMETRICALLY OPPOSITE to anxious avoidant personality disorder, though avoidant behaviour is common in the depressed phase. This disorder is associated with artists, business tycoons and high achievers and it is NOT schizophrenia. It is a mood disorder. And if you can’t work out what I mean look up bipolar.

I still have no official diagnosis. If I do get diagnosed as a pie-bowler I shall be intensely upset I can tell you that for nothing. Because that will mean I’m a manic-depressive junkie. I mean what greater Loser title can you get? And if I do have that one I’ll probably be on psych meds for LIFE. The fact that I go UP not down off meds is yet another sign that this nasty thing is probably me.

That is all I want to say on the subject. Until I hear more news I’m going to try and steer off this issue because it doesn’t make me happy. It makes me feel very upset and angry because I suspected I had this disorder more than ten years ago and nobody listened. The people who said I acted like I had it (on selected occasions) had ALL seen it first-hand and knew the behaviour. Behaviour I was displaying by being hyped up, impatient, irritable and euphoric. As years went by these symptoms were initially squashed by heroin, then they started emerging again. Weird symptoms like a racing brain accompanied by a very nice buzzing feeling, buzzing so much I remember on one occasion about three years ago having to restrain myself from yelling obscenities out the window into the street. I just felt really really hyped up that day. And I thought I was depressed!

Well I’m going now I refuse to muse on this issue but I’m warning y’all this is what everyone seems to think is wrong with me. Mental health professionals, mental health sufferers ~ and me. And they’re not picking up the idea from me, they’re TELLING me, you see. I have been scrupulously avoiding using any vocabulary associated with this condition, yet they still seem to recognize it in me.

I won’t despair until the Consultant Headshrinker (yeah I have a consultant psychiatrist, not a trainee one) tells me my life is over. Until then I’m thoroughly enjoying yet another free high!

Take care everyone and don’t worry about me. I’m not worried. You shouldn’t be either.

L8Rs xx

PS sorry if this doesn't flow nicely. I'm not reading back over stuff I don't want to know about. I have to put this down for the record. Naomi's sayso will be confirmed or overturned in due course but only my Consultant can do that. My Consultant is on leave. I have an appointment in two weeks' time ... perhaps I'll know more then ...

PPS Nutter Club tomorrow. I hope we talk about little fluffy clouds and other nice things. I'm not in the mood for ANY MORE talk about ANYONE being mentally ill. It's starting to do my head in

Dr Ruth is cracking up

DR RUTH ON CASUALTY ON BBC TV IS CRACKING UP. I saw her last week [last night]. Casualty is Accident and Emergency (ER means Elizabeth Regina, the Queen over here when you're not watching American telly).

She looks like she's having a manic bipolar episode. Into this mingles a girl in an attick. The girl scrapes free onto the roof. Her parents think she can fly. Or she does. She ends up in hospital. Supposed to be schizophrenic. Treated by manic dr Ruth. This was a major headfucker to watch.

Dr Ruth was "hearing voices" but the voices were very vague. Not clear "hello hello hello darlin I've got some lovely peaches down me stall!" not like that ha ha!

Also she does what I do. Reads something, 2 words, zigzags down the page. Gotta get it quick. I got that one the second it happened. A letter. A blank page saying "HELP ME". What she's done is open a letter that says something else. Help and Me are where her eyes fall. So she thinks Schizogirl is asking for help.

Is a bit overhyped enough to think she's a brain surgeon, which she's not. She's an emergency dr. Calms schizogirl down. Tells schizogirl I hear your voices too. The voices are caused by an auditory nerve disturbance I will sort this out with XYand Z. Before we know it, schizogirl is asleep on ketamine (anaesthetic, ketamine is a HUMAN ANAESTHETIC NOT A TRANQUILLIZER FOR HORSES, it could whack a horse out cold if you needed to remove its hoof THAT is what ketamine is for THAT is why I never abused it too much. KETAMINE HAS A VALID MEDICAL USE if you abuse that so badly it doesn't work for you... it could be nasty. Nasty situation where ketamine, used to cut people out of cars etc doesnt work ~ you don't want that).

Meanwhile the Voided ECT mother, reason for parents' refusal of psychiatry, because ECT messed this lady, the mother so badly up. Casualty always involves a lot of interpersonal revelation (more than ER) so the failure of communication in their marriage came up. Sudenly Void Woman isn't a Void and is saying "I never told you because you never asked" and the intricacies of medicating somebody's personality are ins and outed.

Meanwhile Dr Ruth has Ketamine Girl on a slab with head holdy-together metal stuff around it ready for surgery. Senior Doc Doc knocks on door. Verbal fight through locked door. Very senior colleague is taken out of heart surgery to come upstairs and persuade Manic Girl to open the door. She is instantly jumped upon by non-nasty but insistent police which in that state would set you off like nothing else ultra ultra hyper fast confusion high.

What did my head in was watching this and seeing 2 nutters and neither is going fast enough to be vroom-vrooms in the head. Ultra fast whirling cyclone whirlwind centrifuge up into a dimension of pure energy that fast that high why am I so Special?

O I don't know I'm trying to put this in a nutshell. I don't usually watch Casualty i watch Holby City which is set in the same hospital but upstairs and easier to follow that one's on Tuesdays

This is dr Ruth apparently post-suicidal. Never in my life seen this: the only relevant clip of her I can find because she... she's a dr in A&E and I'm me and i don't let Casualty in my house it's boring

OK gotta go. Sleep diary 2130 hrs sleeping pill. Didn't sleep till past midnight 30 distraction ate a pie. Woke up several times in the night my head vo-vo-vo bobibbibingbonganging which I mention to make a point: yeah I can play with anything that happens to me, but this IS me. It's me asleep and awake. I need to remember this for later when I start questioning myself.

O yeah woke up it was dark sometime after 6am got up after half an hour i'm deliberately sleeping as long as i can otherwise i would have got up at 2 or 3. i'm most hyper in the morning, as a very general rule. stress makes me more hyped up into a swoosh swoosh yesterday i couldn't understand what they were saying in that car. Talking about me. Who? My name. Which person? Why me? Are we going to a rave? I said none of this i managed to behave but still said a few things considered rude which to be frank i don't even recall i remember just saying as little as i could unless we were conversing bat and ball really quickly i really liked it when Irish guy next to me said bi-bibb-bibbibop cant rememberwhat or why he was playing i thought yeah cool keeping the vibe alive. it's a real stress trying to behave. i AM responsible I keep my clothes on, i don't hurt anyone, i don't kill myself, i try and be considerate yeah its got this extreme. keys phone. not always money. those are together. she told me a way of keeping myself clean bc other person we know fell apart these methods work. i gotta wash my hair, i gotta wash using a footbowl hot water flannel legs in front of tv for hours easier than shower power hour y'know ok gotta go

11:40 I actually watched that clip. All touching and all that. But what the hell is he doing reading her diary? This is a blog, that is a diary, read someone's personal shit and you get what you deserve. Which is why mine was filled with deliberate lies by the end. I knew who was reading it. Give 'em what they need, the bastards!



10:25 me on tv: i love this this is obviously too QUIET but it's buzzzzzzzzzyy buzzy busy as a bee it's me yumm yumm yummee: have a watch and see:~
THE SOUND NOT THE OLD LADY YOU IDIOT!!

10:43 sorry i'm a bit shouty this morning. i'm seeing a nut dr wednesday. holding out till then. he's like my mind dealer. i have to tell frankness. can't do mindgames. can't do what does he think need want to see believe disbelieve i can only be me me me that's why mental illness isn't illness. not like the people limping you see at Social Security Doctor offices, people pretending to be crazy (looked like he was pretending to be stupid in my view) etc etc there is no need for exaggeration information i tried to tell him when i say a little i mean a little when i say very i mean very i say what i mean what you think i mean otherwise we're on different wavelengths here it's very confusing. i think he's a good doctor. some psychiatrists are shit. now they take me seriously, i can tell. for once in my life. once drugs are out of the way, once i gave clean screens drugs screens once all that heroin was passed i became myself again and i told them every time i try and live without it i fall apart and they think i'm being a neurotic junkie as i say i say what i mean falling apart is falling apart, not being a little bit upset for a couple of days this is what does my head in about doctors assuming i maximise when i can only cope by minimizing, whacking things AWAY, they're not important they don't matter they're not real if they were i would not could not cope thats too much to cope with i can only do one thing at a time i ask him what the thing is then i do it, then he can't say "butyou're not doing it" then i can work myself and change myself i'm not doing counselling i've tried it for years i am pissed off and fed up with that knee jerk idea i already keep a blog which is a photo collection of where i am where i was i am not picking picking picking at scabs, when you have a wound you leave it alone let it heal i'm not into reliving past nastiness that is unhealthy "least said soonest mended" became my motto. not let it all hang out. what hangs out here and now is my own thought pattern, not my life, not the life i don't want to live that's the bad stuff that's what i got taken away from, that's why i call this my Higher Power because it's more Powerful than Heroin and THAT my friends is Power

Energy

ENERGY FLASH!

IS this an energy-saving lightbulb of a tune... so SLOW. That's what hacked me off about Opus III last night TOO SLOW i want fast fast faster fast fastererr something faster than me. Which is hard to find as I was going to fast yesterday I was incoherent.

Somebody phoned me right while I was going into one big time. Not upsset. Just ultra hyper high high sky ong ong pingpongtingtong bong bong ongongong between uproariously laughing and doing a noise like a food mixer rourourourouround what what what what what? Who is this who who who? All that. What DO I DO KEEP IT SIMPLE.

That upset someone so much they CRIED WHY WHY CRY GO HI HI HI HELLO HERE NOW WHAT IS ALL THAT FUSS ABOUT

Well that's what happened. I feel like I'm on Magic Speed you know that ADHD stuff that calms people down. Note the LACK OF A FULL DRUG SCREEN* this is making me para that I got spiked somewhichwise. What can I do not to be spiked? Not eat? Not drink. Not ever sleep. Not ever let anyone near me. Not breathe the air as fentanyl gas can flood the air, as was used in the Russian theatre raid. I wished I'd been in there. Fentanyl is an ultra-strong opioid. I'd have got a real nice hit outta that. When I was into drugs.

Now it's just me on ME FREE (hee-hee!!)

[I'm adding this afterwards: re the drugs screen it wasns't "full" in that it "only" tested for Opiates (heroin/morphine/codeine etc), Cocaine (including crack), Amphetamines, Methadone, Benzodiazepines and THC ie Cannabis. Methadone is what I'm on!]

O man this wasn't meant to rhyme it was meant to be all cool and chilled and coherent. I did actually get 3 to 4 hours' sleep on that zopiclone. The minute it started wearing off I was BL-IDDLE-DIDDLE-PING-NG-NGGGGGGGG!!! AWAKE!!!

And raving in my kitchen. Raving mad. Dancing. Eh. At a rave, in my kitchen. At one time I found a knife I started dismantling a cardboard box then chucked it into a corner. "I AM A KNIFE-WIELDING MANIAC!!" that one thing was too much. Being a maniac and wielding a knife. NO!!!!

I'm not into headfucker stuff. Enough is enough. I thought I was OK then my mind started playing games or I started playing games with my mind and we both started racing together very very quick quick

(how can I POSSIBLY be on drugs? no drug ever makes anyone rush that fast. ever. only one to come near it (on me) is Hard Acid. And I do mean a full-on trip, tripping enough to have trouble with your name, to interdimensionalize so you don't know what dimension you're in. In this state the number of thoughts, impressions, illusions and all that can alter so very many times a second it's impossible to follow. SPEED DOES NOT DO THAT. NEITHER DOES COKE. OR CRACK. OR E. So what fucking drug is is?? Except 2 cups of black coffee. Yesterday when I thought I'd had 2 I'd actually only had 1. Cup 2 had gone cold, forgotten about as I pinged all over the place.

everybody thinks i should be in a mental hospital. everybody thinks i am mad. i am quite sane. i'm only going in there if i totally break apart, in which case i will need an ambulance i won't be able to get there myself

or if i'm so very hacked off and/or despairing or tired or just WANT TO GO IN it's not that terrible. it's GOING in i don't want not BEING in BEING in is fine. lots of people don't want to leave. why do you think care in the community is such a disaster? half the people don't get cared for, the other half do, but would rather be in a nuthouse because at least in there if you're going cuckoo there's not the headfuck of trying to have to inter-decide between howevermanylines of illusions and delusions and what is what from this that and some other angle what you should or should not be doing at any given time you can just DO IT. people who annoy each other have space to avoid one another. it is not prison.

there are no locked rooms. there are locks on the ward doors, mainly to prevent people wandering aimlessly outside, not perhaps intending to be there.

people who can organize, decide know what they want and why (and it's not self-harm or suicidal) are free to leave

other people who cannot do these things, they don't and nearly always don't actually want to.

the only locked room i know of is a cool-down room and that's in the ward for people who misbehave (that's basically why they're put there). in a mental hospital misbehaving means being violent to a person (not an object). violence to an object might well get you wrestled down and needled with something yummy like quetiapine or olanzapine or whatever

the last time i saw it i remember it was a patient who rushed across and told the nurse how many mgs of what shot to make up, i'm sure it was

the nurses come from downstairs or upstairs. other wards. they're probably on that duty that day, know they're free to go. the buzzer goes off so out and in they pile.

what was the point of all this? o yeah the entertainment of watching it happen. best time i recall was a bipolar pensioner with "the fbi want me as their number one spy" style paranoia. he was told he was "too high" though doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING re racing about, rushing, kicking anything throwing ~ nothing except irritable if i remember correctly WITH A SPECIFIC MEMBER OF STAFF

it is possible to be psychotic, not by any means ravingly, and justifyably ANNOYED

anyway because of his paranoia this guy who told lots of funny stories about driving very rapidly up the motorway between London and Manchester, never getting punished for being bipolar (ie treated) until his 60-something-th year he said "i want a witness for this" M and I were more than happy to be witnesses.

we were in the smoking room anyhow, not smoking (for a split moment, that's all most nutters do) but eating m&ms I wish we'd had popcorn it would have been highly appropriate

so we had feet up on chairs, probably entertained looks on faces as the highly confrontational male nurses did their confronting

some bastard turned to M and me and said " you two had better go" AARKKHH ~~ kind of any thought of "but we were asked to be witnesses" went as indulging pensioner-paranoia was only an excuse. Entertainment was the reason for being there I think we all knew that. Apart from the paranoia pensioner who was spiked up so intensively he was snoring all afternoon. with a faintly guilty/bored looking nurse having to stand watch.

not because there was any chance he would wake up and do anything remotely "manic"

(despite the one female nurse's first words being "we think you've gone too high" (that ain't high. saw that at the time. know it now. bullshit. be psychotic and/or manic or paranoidly "ideated" as they say and ANGRY and you get this delicious treatment

which is no motivation but an attraction an "it's not that terrible" it's on that list

the "I will be made homeless" list is the opposing one as that basically is what shall happen to me if i ever end up in that nuthouse.

So I'm avoiding it like several plagues.

My reason. Not mine. Druggieworker's reason for my being in an emergency assessment had nothing to do with hospitalization or being sectioned (which means committed) it had everything to do with a trained doctor witnessing who i actually AM that is the point and when the other one said why are you here i said because I am in a mess and I want help and I need a social worker. That is what I need more than a hospital. A person who knows me and knows what absolutely irrelevant forms are informed upon me blah blah blah blah you see this is

this is my coping mechanism.

when something bothers me i smack it right out of my head. successfully.

i also smack stress and negativity (that is negative thoughts, not the feeling) OUT of my head.

i whack them out using no chemical at all. no heroin smack. nothing but the force of my own will gets rid of these things so i do not worry, don't turn anything over and over my head worrying. not my style

(as anxiety leaflet given out by nursey who HADN'T LISTENED WHEN I SAID ITS NOT ANXIETY (which I KNOW I once had it for years I KNOW THAT FEELING it's a gripping of the heart, a trepidation)... I felt IRRITATION which is like sunburn on your arm or any burn. You can stroke it with a feather and it's still IRRITATING and IRRITATION was my response to the world and my reason for avoiding it. And a feeling of overload. NOT anxiety.

and here's a point i can at last follow through 3 paragraphs. anxious thoughts you can SLAP OUT OF YOUR HEAD. irritation is not a thought as such, but a feeling, it's much less cognitive than anxiety

anyway this coping mechanism might also be my disability as something is stopping me engaging. i am disengaged. if i DID engage i couldn't cope. Engaging means engaging with stuff I can't deal with.

Geddit now?

Trying to explain makes it clearer in my head. I've got to know what I'm up against to be able to cure it. Get round it. Bend it. Change it.

See successful self-analysis. And my big "I DON'T NEED COUNSELLING" reason.

Counselling is too much too soon. Not what someone going 3691q3476t51234124097y076799900 miles per hour needs. I have had it before. I resent accounting my life to somebody i know nothing about. I "have" to do it. I don't "have" to do a blog I choose to. I might feel I owe people an explanation or an update because they are my freinds but I don't "have to go" because it'll look bad on some care approach plan form. Y'know?

Hope this hasn't been too rabbitty. I'm leaving it there. I am going to NA tonight but am TRYING to get there on time this time. I never know the exact time. Never know. Just get there. Usually late. I can't do anything on time there's too much in between.

OK I'm off now because my head is going too quick again. Bye!

JOEY BELTRAM: ENERGY FLASH
This 1990 tune was represented to me as "really old". In 1992.



FANTAZIA MAY 1992 "GURN TIME" RAVE FOOTAGE
gurning is pulling "high on stimulants" faces, characteristic especially of ecstasy-type drugs.

note a distinct lack of energy in that crowd. what's wrong with them all?? the less cheesy more abstract ketaminey 2nd tune is way better than the 1st one



DJ SEDUCTION STARLIGHT RAVE
this style of breakbeat + the "bad boy" crap the MC keeps up is the origins of jungle aka drum & base

wow this music is fantastic. breakbeat hardcore almost definitely 1992. it says it dunnit: 21st August 1992

1 min 50 seconds "ride the fucking rush" where the music saying followmewannabewhatever i wannabe THAT is the vibe of my brain insane ha hahahahahaha!! and 7 mins 7 seconds where its bleepy on top of breakbeat that is it that is itititititititit thatsit!!!



Illustration: Castlemorton 1992 huge illegal Spiral Tribe etc rave. Spiral Tribe were very abstract. Chaos Stuff which works better in visuals than music. True chaos visuals are screens of black and white lines or dots and your own mind makes the illusion. Doesn't work quite so well with music in my opinion

NA/higher power (but not a whole hour)

o AM I MEANT TO GO TO BLOODY SLEEP and why is this thing set to caps all the time

wow the computer just threw an eppie and did lines all over the place. i think the computer and my brain are interwired. why did trisch li go and die? i don't obsess about anything FAR TOO much else going on and on in on around and UP UP UP i spent more time looking at the ceiling where i am going than i ever have + pointing at it unconsciously then thinking "do not point at the ceiling you nutter!"

i am a bit calmer. i went to na

i thought the last post was calm then i read back over it ti doesn't seem that way

i am trying not to spin sideways into the bingbontingtong rhymestimes imes thingsings ya know. I only put that to show you what I mean. Before I just wrote as I thought that is what was happening that is all i could say contrary to popular belief i am not into excessive self analysis the dr nurse person man yesterday forced me to give a life history kept saying "we have 45 mins to give your entire life" as a way of making me focus going fast was not the problem i went ultra ultra fast faster and faster every time i am stressed i go even faster until its a food mixer the sound of a blender going faster and faster and setting UP UP UP spinning faster and faster and louder and louder that is what i do. not just what my head does what i myself do. THAT is my HIGHER POWER.

that is why i am eternally grateful for being mad because being crazy is FAR better than being on drugs. it is FREE for a start free free free 4 me me me he heee!! EXCELLENT STUFF!!

being mad took me away from heroin, heroin had addicted me like nothing else i have ever seen in anybody else except one person my friend lucky she is the only person i ever met or knew who i culd look at and think "that one's got it worse than me". or even as bad as me. she had a 35 yr + habit, was old enough to be my mum, dealing (or sorting out deals) let her home be used as a crack smoking venue (more than a crack house, as such, there was none of the outofcontrolness of a crackhouse as i know a crackhouse (bear in mind if you don't know, these often belong to "vulnerable" people housed by the local council who let in a nasty dealer who pays them in crack and/or smack usually both. feeds their habit. fucks them around they lose the key to the door. the dealer may even leave them sick when there's a house full of peple using using using in every room you cannot get rid of them they live there on and on it gets totally uncontrollable THAT is what often IS a crackhouse ther are other patterns but i won't waste an entire post telling every in and out of every bloody thing i'll never stop.))

wow i remembered 2 brackets not one. and i remember to close them. that means i'm coming down

only i don't WANT TO COME DOWN THAT MEANS BEING DESPERATE MORE DESPERATE THAN EVER I WAS FOR DRUGS ABSOLUTELY ABYSMALLY DEPRESSED AND TOTALLY UNHAPPY AND NOT COPING

(and no professional ever giving any help though i was desperate for somebody to just do a few basic things in my favour. not give me a life. not wave a magic wand. just vouch for me on forms. say this person needs this to person x who arranges y. THAT type of thing)

you see the trouble i have i was very close to taking a shower with clothes on this morning because shower, turning on water door clothes me closed in door shower in doors all at once wet as you can get and my head going oingoingoginoginogingoingoingoingoinngoi
like that THAT is why i could would have got in a shower with clothes on i fucking despair of myself
no i didn't do that i give you an illustration
so if you hear me say i need to do this and i cannot do it
that is what i mean, i give an extreme, an extreme day but it goes on has gone on for every day for months on end years on end nothing getting done that needed doing. not properly.

do you see? what i'm trying to say is that i knew i had a problem and i tried to fix it in an adult way and somehow the fixing never came to gether and i feel bitter at professionals who i did tell about this repeatedly as somebody who feels worthless as dirt can insist on anything
even though i could smile
i can smile when i am depressed
it is called smiling depression
it is Japanese
i am japanese in culture ie: i smile when upset; when i nod my head i mean i hear you not i agree those are the 2 features i recall

this guy yesterday asked me to go through my life in some detail saying when depression, voices, too fast too high and too paranoid all started and all separately it was the voices i remember when when a thought first echoed. prozac 1995. age 23. a mild thought echo as he called it. like i think, another voice echoes it back or the last syllable. in my head. and blah blah blah ting tong

the worst thing i remember because of him is me being in a state where i was hearing voices but they were not like bad not bad i heard them i felt very negative though but not because of the voices i was very very down i went to the railway station a few times one time the driver saw me and waved arms at me don't do it in that split second he saw something in me what? I cannot could not still cant work it out. to be doing that i must have been absolutely fucking desperate. yet he says i was using heroin as a mood muffler.
WHAT ON EARTH WOULD I HAVE FELT IF NOT ON THE HEROIN?
this bothers me now because i'm not on heroin, terrified to death of being depressed when it gets that bad and went on and on for months into years
i cannot think of a single period over 18 years when i haven't had this in some way, no clear time lasting more than a month or so
so i think this is my entire life
it isn't a question of give up heroin all will be fine
i always knew this

I DIDN'T KNOW IT WOULD BE THIS EXTREME

get me now?

this is what i was scared of. i CAN FACE MY FEARS HEAD ON fear is not a big issue for me
OTHERWISE I'D BE BACK ON GEAR WOULDN'T I?

what i feel is hacked off, confused and terrified of coming down off this this i'd rather stay crazy than be like that

i know i sound desperate

at least i am surviving.

i am a survivor

never wanted to be, but knew it all along

23:52 I have well am just about to take zopiclone 7.5mg number one. there's a cup of black coffee there why did i make it. wasn't intending on sleeping. i spose i have to be grown up and try and sleepi dont want to sleep i bet this is going to back fire horribly i will end up like i was on sunday not able to face my own house through misery akkikh just swallow the stupid thing swallow it swallow DO IT

throw away the coffee. what am i saying i never throw anything away it's going in the fridge

23:57 coffee in fridge; zopiclone down throat hurrah!

(I hope!!)