Ideas and/or Advice, Please!

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO SORT OUT MY BENEFITS STUFF TODAY. They paid me the grand total of £21 this week; I've no idea why. So now I know the correct number I have to ring back tomorrow when they're open. I also am meant to tell them I have schizoaffective disorder. I got a letter a while back that seemed irrelevant but it said underneath that any change in your medical condition must be notified. I don't think the name makes any difference but it might mean I get treated a bit different (if anything, better). They don't seem to quibble so much with severe mental illness whereas depression they subject you to a test to see how depressed you actually are. With this I don't see what test they can do, I just feel too confused a lot of the time to do a lot of basic things. Sad but true. I don't know how I'm going to rise above this one. Depression I fought against but mania you can't fight against it's too intense and also feels nice most of the time, so I don't know what to do. And the schizo-bit in schizo-affective just feels too weird for words so I don't know how to dea with it. Not very good I know but true. They might push me down a pit with people sword fighting like people on television now but I don't know how I'll survive. See I feel confused these thoughts come in my head and I push them out but I push out everything else too so I dont know what to keep in there. This is why I get ill, because I don't understand. I try. I do try. But I feel confused.

Does anybody out there know about schizoaffective disorder and what things I can do self-help wise? PLEASE. Anybody? If you can direct me to a good website or just a forum I'd be ever so grateful. I'm floundering about knowing I have "symptoms" of this "tripolar disorder" (because there are 3 things I get: mania, depression and schizophrenia) and knowing broadly which symptom and experience is flavoured with what, but I don't know what to DO. I want to know what to DO. And why I should do it? And what I might achieve... Please anybody who knows please answer. You don't need to be a fellow sufferer or an expert I'm just after ideas. Remember I have had depression for years and am glad I followed my inkling not to indulge in books that didn't mention Seasonal Affective (SAD) or bipolar. Because I've always thought my depression was partly psychological and partly biological. Even though I hadn't a clue I was schizoaffective until the dr told me so, I've followed the right path, where you accept your illness has a biological component. Purely herbal tea and counselling based stuff just ain't gonna cut it with my illness. I accept I need to take meds. I can feel when I haven't taken them, usually. Apart from Saturday night when I honestly forgot my pill (I'm on one pill now; 1x4mg risperidone rather than 2x2mg, which are too easy to get confused over) I wasn't messing about I really did forget to take it. And for once didn't get "a free coke binge" I just felt nothing bar a sluggish depression I've been in for days. Depression which now has a slight excited tinge in the background. I'm hoping this means a mood switch is occurring.

Yes I used HEROIN today but it did nothing. It was so weak. I wish I wouldn't do it. It doesn't take away "psychotic" things (which I don't really have today) and it doesn't dampen down my bad moods any more so I wish I'd get it THROUGH MY THICK HEAD THAT I'M WASTING MY TIME.

Im pissed off with NA because I shared even though it fucking hurt to do so I still shared something that is personal that I don't have to share and not one fucking person gave any response except the kind of response you get when they know you're using drugs still. I mean I told them I had bipolar mood swings and not one person could think of one faintly constructive thing to say about that.

I don't know what I was expecting. Certainly not "there there" type crap but something. I expected something and I don't think my expectations were unreasonable. Considering nearly ALL bipolar people use drugs which means there must be a lot of manic depression "in the rooms" as they say I expected more. So I was right when I realized NA was NOT for me. They cannot help me, they do not help me. Only seductive thing about NA is the attitude that taking medication is wrong, so I can "not use" my antipsychotics and have "a free coke binge" on them. That is a free manic episode, even a short one for a couple of days. But I'm trying to be grown up and responsible, I don't know why, but I am. Am trying.

I felt misunderstood by them when I took up going again and I still feel misunderstood and unappreciated.

Bear in mind I have been coming to NA for over 10 years, since I very first saw a problem developing, so I know NA, know their philosophy and their ways and feel let down, now that I genuinely want to be clean and serene I feel nobody has made any effort towards me, not genuine effort. All I get is "do a detox" (ie have a psychotic episode) and likeminded stuff in other words they're telling me to go crazy. I'm willing to go crazy as long as I can do it IN THEIR HOUSE. That will teach them to throw out platitude-ridden advice, when they see what happens when I "detox" and "go clean" as they believe clean is.

TIESTO/RALPH FRIDGE: PARADISE
when i went mad that time my shower kept saying "paradise paradise" after this song!



I'm not getting too wound up by Narcotics Anonymous and I refuse to throw the baby out with the bathwater. But I'm only doing one meeting per week at the moment. You have to bear in mind I have bad memories of coming to NA having heard voices all the way there on the bus, then locking myself up in a dark room with them in a psychotic state only for them all to believe I was high on crack when I was "high" yes, but on nothing! Just like you I have only a certain tolerance for such bullshit and then I start feeling genuinely upset. You see I know the name of my disorder now and it's not a good one. Now I have to tell the Social Security this crap, which I don't want to, but they need to know. They do say any change in your condition should be notified to us so fuckit I'll notify them. What on earth they'll do with that information I hesitate to think. You see I had symptoms and knew I wasn't right. Then this doctor tells me in these same words "I think you have a mental illness". I have never thought of myself as "mentally ill" before. Depression is supposedly a mental illness but it didn't make me feel mentally ill. Only the crash from mania into depression has truly made me feel injured and ill. Very very sick and ill. The crash I had in December counts as one of five all time worsts. The fact that there are FIVE not one probably says a lot but I'm not dwelling on that one. Do you understand why I disengage rather than wallow? If I wallowed I would never get out of self pity and it would destroy me. I'd rather pretend nothing is wrong than wallow in the wrongness. I don't care if I'm doing the wrong thing; life is so very difficult I don't know what else to do.

TRANCE VISIONS: PARADISE (KOMAKINO REMIX)



Well I hope I've been grown-up enough today I don't feel grown up. I feel like the parent of a 3 year old child ~ as per usual ~ saying "DO THIS! DON'T DO THAT!" and the recalcitrant child barely listens..!

And how was YOUR DAY? rsvp!


RALPH FRIDGE: PARADISE (PUSH MIX)

Tea and Sympathy

I MET SOMEONE I KNOW who also happens to be labelled schizoaffective. That is Pinxx. She bought me an alcoholic lemonade, but she drank tea. She said when she starts drinking she can't stop. Not like me. I can. I stopped drinking after 3. We smoked Sterling and Pall Mall cigarettes. She says she sees faces in the floor like I do. I see little furry animals everywhere, kind of like patterns you see in clouds. And no, not every second of every day. Occasionally. Even when it is happening it only happens a few times per day. I had an extra-lovely dose of methadone in the night so I was extra woozy in the morning. In fact I didn't get up until past 11am. I met X and Y my 2 friends who are sometimes helpful. I told them I had schiz-affective. I only tell people the full name who I think might understand it. They didn't. X said only 1 in 1000 people is bipolar. This is nonsense, it's one in 50. Or one in 100 each of type 1 and type 2. Schizoaffective is 1 in 200 so I'm rare!

What was I ranting on about yesterday "showing 2 fingers" to the methadone clinic?..? This is because I hate them having one up on me. At least I'm motivated to get off the green gloop. Most people seem to want to stay on it as long as possible. I don't. I just want to be OK and drop the crap as quick as I can.

So Pinky and I had tea. There isn't much else to tell. We talked about mental hospitals and drugs. The secretaries on the next table seemed to find our conversation fascinating but I didn't play up to that. I don't think P would have approved. She is still using heroin, which pisses me off. She's not a heroin addict and never has been fully addicted. She's done cold turkey 3 times but can't have been fully addicted. She would have gone crazy if she was. Remember the time I clearly met diagnostic criteria for bipolar first was when I detoxed cold turkey. I was manic-depressed (both). I've seen tired mania (no physical energy but the mind seething over) and that was me when I came off the heroin. Full mania means you're shining out energy like an electric fire. Others can warm themselves on your heat.

I used to be very in tune with psychic emanations when I was younger. Heroin gave me the luxury of psychic sleep. Now I'm wide awake again and that's why I got diagnosed nuts. Everything flooded back at full strength. You have to bear in mind I went "mentally ill" ON the stuff that blocks mental illness out, so without that stuff of course I need risperidone to be OK.

I'm back taking the meds once more. It's very boring, but I do it.

Cleopatra is playing on TV. What a luxury to have afternoon films in the evening thanks to shiny digital discs. I nearly had a flaming row (yes I was manic) in the shop when I bought it about my reasons for buying that film. In the end I just dropped it and stalked out, film in hand. Why should I explain the fact that Cleopatra is very good but very long and a challenge to the attention span. You need lots of hot tea and cigarettes to get through it. In years gone by I'd have needed heroin too, least I don't need that any more. I haven't taken heroin since the start of the week. What a waste of time that was. I don't even recall why I wanted it now. Now I've proven, yet again, that it's crap ~ I don't need it any more.

Anyway that's today. I'm off. Take care everyone. Be safe.

I'll tell you a secret...

LET ME REVEAL to you my most embarrassing of secrets. It happened when I was 16 and staying on a campsite in Belgium. This Lithuanian gypsy girl who looked "like Madonna" (Madonna was a huge star at the time)... anyway THAT should be enough to sucker anyone who follows me into logging in for a good read.

Now on to the real business. Heroin! Please somebody help me start this heroin production line of mine. I need (off the top of my head) lots of charcoal biscuits, ether, acetone, ethyl alcohol, hydrochloric acid, calcium carbonate and of course acetic anhydride. And I want lessons in how to turn opium paste into high grade white heroin hydrohloride (no brown junk, please) and how to do it in my own back yard using portable camping stoves for heat. I know you simmer the morphine base in acetic anhydride at approx 85C for 5 hours... what then? The H3 to H4 bit I know in principle... advice please. And can anybody arrange for me 50 tonnes of H4 white on tick? I'm good to repay and don't care about getting gunned down.

Well my mediation vacation is going swimmingly. Only people who meet me think something is wrong so I'm writing as rationally as possible to fool y'all. I'm not hearing voices today. My mood is barely hypomanic. OK: slightly hypomanic, as we speak. Hypomania is MILD mania. Full-on mania is like being in an explosion of colours, sound and impressions. Exhilarating! Hypomania is like a few lines of coke.

I had a beautiful Natural Cocaine binge all last night. I was bingeing on my own free neurotransmitters by not taking medication and it felt wonderful. I slept 5 hours this afternoon (fitfully, it has to be said). I love sleeping, even for a few hours. The night before I slept over 11 and didn't want to be moved.

My mood is "cycling" that is I get mood swings lasting very approximately 24 hours to 7 days. High and low. The highs are like free cocaine as I say so no complaints there. They only get acid-trippy on the very extreme high. Naomi from the Dual Club says "you might be right" when I bitterly told her my symptoms get "severe" (by psyh standards: normal standards mean nothing, by normal standards I'm a huge fuck up anyhow so I don't bother with normality).

I went to Nutter Club but had to leave early due to a near panic attack. I really was not up for handling other people's negativity. So I got up abruptly said I needed fresh air and pinged out. Now Naomi is really worried about me. I was in dire straits yesterday and that was ON meds. Severe manic symptoms dampened weirdly down with weird repetitive voices in my head. I nearly had a panic attack in Sainsbury's. (No wonder you might say if you know Sainsbury's. A supermarket.) Yeah Naomi rang me for half an hour. She is very good. Never puts a foot wrong. Knows how to handle people in really precarious mental states. She was wonderful when I came in on full-on mania laughing my head off hysterically. Unable to string words together. Somehow through the clipped-up slideshow of the day, she shines out as a beacon of sense. I was too out of it on mania to follow what anyone said once they veered off the obvious. I was interrupting everyone all the time with my own thoughts and opinions.

Apart from Nutter Club what have I done?... Not a lot. Planning my Heroin Empire, mainly. I'm in a really good mood so I have energy for important stuff like international drug importation and production. I want to PRODUCE my product. The brand name is going to be WHITE TIGER with 100% written underneath and loads of shit in Burmese, Chinese and Thai hong-donging down the side. And before anyone DARES imply I'm raist let's have a Chinese and Thai language competition, you and me, and see who wins. Least I studied them. Bet you didn't.

PLEASE EVERYBODY HAVE A GO ON THE PERSONALITY PERCENTAGES DISORDER TEST. The link is here
http://www.similarminds.com/personality_disorder.html I gave my results in the post below. I score highest on schizotypal (eccentric), schizoid (don't need friends), borderline (over-emotional) and paranoid. The paranoia is definitely down to illness, I just do not have the unforgiving nature required for a "paranoid personality disorder" y'know?!

I'm v grateful that personality disorders shit is out of my life. I mean as if! I might have a bit of a schizzy personality but that only means I keep myself to myself and my primary motivation is not other's approval and that I do my own thing. That's all.

They thought I might have one because I basically had mental illness I had successfully semi-medicated away, creating a confusing clinical picture. My heroin worked about as well as risperidone as an antipsychotic mood stabilizer. It definitely worked. And no I do not suggest anyone try the same thing, I mean look what happened to me. I'm lucky to be nuts, means I get kid-glove treatment at that clinic now. If they mess me around I will show them 2 fingers and just score on the street. It's more a "when" than an "if". I was all for giving them the elbow when "severely manic" last month but everyone told me not to. I told a few people I had "anxiety and depression" and they believed me! "Not depressed now, are you!" said one as I burbled deliriously away. It was SUCH GOOD FUN whizzing around in the back of a car scoring heroin not using the dullardly heroin [they scored it; I didn't even know that dealer] (it reduces mania so why take something to get LESS high? Dur!) I was out of my box. Thinking we were off to some magnificent party, then remembering we weren't. Thinking all manner of things very rapidly it was fantastic.

This is what I love about being "mentally ill" the candy-colored hilarity of it all. It's much much better than any physical illness I can think of. I can't think of many physical illnesses that make you feel Better Than Well like manic bipolar does. Fair dos it can get ultra-ultra super concnetrated like whooshing into the centre of a spiral. Which is why Stephen Fry annoys me for making flip comments about a condition (bipola i) he doesn't have. He has bipolar ii which is quite different. The heritability of bipolar i is quite clear; bipolar ii is a mystery. Bipolar i comes in families with a clear history of depression, bipolar or schizophrenia. Bipolar ii doesn't. Bipolar i has funky bits (psychosis) bipolar ii doesn't. Bipolar i typically has 3 parts depression to 1 mania (time-wise); bipolar ii is 37:1. Different illnesses.

Sorry Baino to go on and on about my issues YET AGAIN but I'm confused about everything. I don't even know what schizoaffective really means apart from it being the luuuurve baby of manic depression and schizophrenia and being "more serious than bipolar disorder" and "less serious than schizophrenia". I heard the manic type has a better outlook for recovery than the depressive type. Stress makes me manic. So even if I'm depressed, when I have a psych appointment I'm ALWAYS hypomanic in there and that is not acting. I act exactly as I am in those interviews Im too sick and tired of mind games to do any different. Sometimes I wish I'd said YES to going into hospital, because Id probably be in there now if I did.

That is what I hate most about the mental health system I actually got desperate enough at one point to try "showing what they needed to see" which I thought was depression. So I never dared crack a smile, initiate any conversation or basically do anything except answer what wa put before me and get the hell out and quick. I also noticed I was getting asked a set of questions that didn't even apply to me. When I didn't hear voices I got asked all the time whether I did. Then once I did nobody ever asked about them! I felt like such a fraudster thanks to those DSM diagnostic criteria which are frankly nonsensical to anyone with depression lower than the higher end of "moderate". Moderate depression means the absolute fucking pits of suicidal hell. The top end of severe is staring into space for hours yet being able to break out of it and do things; the lower end means staring into space and only able to stop with egreat difficulty. You'll end up in the middle of the room, frozen, wondering how you got there and where you're going. Not through memory loss; through lack of motivation. Very severe depression is a complete stupor where you literally cannotmove or speak at all. It has nothing to do with playing a game or acting or resisting attention, you literally have nothing to say and so cannot move your lips to say this nothingness. Everything is utterly invalid, incomplete, inconsequential. As in mania where all is equally good, equally valid and you can go with anything, in depression I frequently end up in shops stuck. Not wanting to go home. Not wanting to buy anything. Not knowing what to buy. So I just do the bare essentials and get the hell out and go straight home and curl up in a ball again, like a little hammy in a nest. Hamter are schizzy and very spirited, jut don't cross one they get into raging fury and do bite. Pandable was my best hammy and he threatened to bite me every time I woke him up during the day. Only when he knew for sure it was my hand and me did he calm down and sniff around it (after food, the tubby swine!)

Now I can't recall where this was going. Tubby swines. Hammies. Good a place as any to stop.
I'm taking my meds tonight; I feel qutie confused wtihout them and my mood cycles fast, on a 24 hour cycle a in one day up one down; one up one down etc etc

EVERYBODY PLEASE DO MY PERSONALITY DIOSRDERS QUIZ AND LEAVE RESULTS IN COMMENTS!
http://www.similarminds.com/personality_disorder.html

Tut mir leid: I don't recall what I put in this post, I can't spend all night fretting over wordings, so it's going IN. Sorry if it's boring....

Schizotypal personality disorder link:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002493

Schizotypal wikipedia entry:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizotypal_personality_disorder

(I'm supposedly schizotypal; though on the friendship side I'm not SCARED of people, I just don't NEED them there. I do like people I just don't NEED them the way some other people seem to need companionship. So in that aspect I'm schizoid rather than schizotypal. Now come on somebody else take the test please y'all are pretty normal, I'd like to see how you come out of it!

Medication Vacation/Drugs Empire

I'M GIVING MYSELF an unofficial medication vacation to see what happens when I stop taking these meds. I nearly had a panic attack yesterday. VERY nearly. So they're not working. And I was hearing "voices" in my head saying eg "annoying" as annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyingingingingininginging" like that it's a type of clanging where you get stuck in the syllables of a long word (or a short one). It feels really strange I don't know entirely whether it's schiz or manic being as I have the luuuuurrve child of manic depression and schizophrenia I can't believe I got TWO THINGS WRONG wonkybonkytiddles wong with me how ridiculous is that. If I have a panic attack tomorrow I can take the shit in the day I just really don't want to. I had Valium; took 1; lost 2. Money goes walkies all the time. My dr said not handling money well even off drugs is a schiz symptom and I REALLY mean I cannot handle it. I go on manic spending sprees or just lose it. Absolutely no idea where it goes. You wonder why I want [wanted: I'm fed up of this suicide talk; this will be the last of it] to commit suicide you're all taken in by my ability to keep a blog going you don't see what a mess I'm in. A really really bad mess. The council want to sling me out on the street but they can't (apparently) because I'm too nut nut. I don't care at all what happens I honestly don't it was easier on the street, ironically enough. Though it also brought on a severe episode of illness. Severe for the time. I remember riding the bus and everybody had crosses in their eyes. I saw visions in the walls and heard things, every day. Today somebody yelled my name repeatedly from a car but I ignored him. I hear voices like that all the time so I ignore them. How am I to know when they're true? So I'm living without meds now, had enough of them, I want to get manic. Least I KNOW I'm not frying my brains even though it feels really brainfrying at the peak. The peak I got to was, as I say, like a road drill going through my head on acid. Ultra intense. But this is a feeling of energy and euphoria. Very very hard and strong. That's why I like music with an aggressive edge in this state because I feel aggressive and powerful. And I don't have time for shit from nobody. In the severe state I would just lamp someone as soon as look at them. I'm not a violent person but if someone pushed my button they'd getta smacka da face-a before they could say "geronimo"..!

I'm not manic now. Just a bit hypomanic. That feels like anxiety but in a good way. It's like positive mental energy coursing through me like amphetamines. I read a quote from that idiot Stephen Fry, who is type 2 bipolar (ie the mild but miserable subtype with 37 times more depression than hypomania; I'm type 1 the full-blown type)... he opined on his QI show that only hardcore manic-depressives go on lithium. Hang on a sec he is lucky to have bipolar so slightly he doesn't even need meds. If you've seen that "secret life of a manic-depressive" he made he's by far the mildest case on there. His "hypomania" looks faked-up to me. Far too little speediness and far too much jolliness. He actually looks drunk more than manic. Mania is FAST, it amps out energy like an electric fire or a huge burning light bulb. You can feel the energy of a manic person, just as you can feel heat from a fire. His depression looks real enough, but the mania, in my view is strictly "for camera". And he hasn't a clue how intense mania can get. He says manic depressives are lucky because at least they have the ups of mania. How intense can mania get? EXTREMELY INTENSE. That's why I cried when I saw the deer in The Deer Hunter. The poor thing is FOAMING AT THE MOUTH. I thought what does that poor animal have to go through to get so wound up it is FOAMING? Whatever it felt was INTENSE. I just hope the bastard film-makers put it down quick. They had no qualms about animal cruelty when that film was made. Mania is INTENSE. And that's why I cried for that animal. Because we both know INTENSE.

I'm just glad what I had was intense mania not intense suffering. When I do go down I tend to think I'm in a spiritual wilderness rather than a true Depressive State. I spend hours staring into space. Last time the TV semi-conked-out and I didn't notice for 2 days. Somehow I collected methadone in this state but don't remember. They are used to me behaving strangely and are very sarcastic. I think they can fuck off. If they take the piss then I will ******* ** **** I am fed up of people taking the piss.

I'm coming off my methadone as quick as I can I am fed up of the clinic taking control of me they want to run my life. I feel sorry for the poor worker who probably thought he was taking on a normal case when he's taking on a grade A nut job. Did you know 25% of all people who are psychotic are schizoaffective. It's probably 50% schizophrenia and the rest bipolar. I found out my suicide risk is only 1 in 10. Bipolar is meant to be 1 in 5. Maybe it's because I get more free entertainment off my "illness" than a bipolar person would.

It means I get more funky bits, which they only get when ultra-manic, I get voices when just hypomanic or depressed. Depressed is harder to deal with because I disengage. Manic I thoroughly indulge in when alone. Pottering about. Outside I have to REALLY watch myself and button down. Even then I'm radiating manic energy like a psychiatric beacon. I remember the look on the police's face when I walked right up to them. I don't know whether I was meant to miss the OBVIOUS NUDGE-nudge but it was BLARING I only wanted directions to the main road.

I have to blog this for when I die I want my family to cash in £££ if I die they get more dollars because the crap I have written has a publicity value. It's my wish that any revenue from my intellectual property be split entre ma mere, mon pere et mes deux freres sorry there's a French film on it makes me think in French. I'm watching Un Prophet encore il s'agit dans un prison francais ou les prisoniers sont gangsters de la Corse et cetera ok i'm dropping the French now. I can't believe I recall that phrase "il s'agit" (it takes place) and that a director is called a metteur en scene. See I do know some French. It's just vraiement terrible; pardon: vraiment terrible ~ pas de l'"E" I love the double-clanger french quotation marks like this «O» or even funkier »O« ~ German styleee.

Now what was I babbling on about. That Frantic screen is playing but I hate the footage. Love the music but they all look like kids. Lollypops, dummies, no thanks. A dummy is a pacifier.

Hey they're taking heroin on telly. Got a real good gauwch on. Just as I'm getting a good rush on. I'm rushing nicely off my meds.... yummmmyummmmyummmm. why the FUCK should I take something to bring me down. I am just glad I don't have money. My Mum rang me today to find out what was wrong with me... I just blurted it out. She knows someone who is bipolar who lost everything thanks to a bad business investment when manic. Im so glad I don't have money to lose, then I really would kill myself.

Does anyone want to take part in a poppy farming scheme? I need 50,000 acres, Ideally in America or somewhere sunny. Does anyone live in the highlands of Iran, Turkey or Afghanistan who wants to come in with me to make H4? I want to be trained up as a full-on heroin chemist. I would love to work in an H4 lab with the Wa, the Burmese tribe who now control "China White"... ask Valerie. She says her Double UO Globe is doing terrific business. She is too off her tits on crack to write much these days...

Also would anyone be willing to smuggle me over 50,000 kilos of China White? Please do it in one shipment I want no fucking about. I'll be the crime boss, you can all get the scrapings off the lab floor.

Actually I might seriously go into heroin production that would be such FUN. A product I believe in..!!!!!! China white, babes.

By the way anyone who DARES ship out brown from my refinery will get Death by 1000 Cuts, no messing. I'm only gonna be known for high grade shit. My brand name will be White Tiger 999. I'll ship in 1.4 kg (double unit) blocks. Yummy big blocks of A grade white heroin! Anna Grace do you wanna come in with me as my American connexion. I want to supply Chicago, New York, Boston, Washington, Philadelphia, Los Angeles... fuckit I will flood America with my evil brands! UK watch out you don't know what is going to hit you. The shitty stuff will be called Trotterdonkey Brand, it will have a donkey with sombrero on the bales, in tacky turquoise ink. The shit stuff is coming to Britain as Brits will take any crap heroin wise. That's why they were on BROWN sugar for so long. Ukhhh.

Hey I have got a real adrenaline rush going here. I'm so full of schemes and plans for my New Drug Mafia. I will Rule the World in Narcotics. Once I take over Afghanistan and Colombia-Peru-Bolivia I'll have a monopoly on heroin and coke. I'll expand into ecstasy and designer shit as well as yucky cannabis. And I'll crank out crystal meth like nobody's business. The HUGE market for cryssie is in Europe. Those middle class parents won't know what's hit them as their kids become bug-eyed monsters picking at skin, painting walls, ripping up books, getting rid of ants and dirt that doesn't exist.

YES AND ALL THIS IS A FANTASY for anyone who takes me TOO FUCKING SERIOUSLY HONESTLY!

Right I'm off.

PS Drugs Empire ideas in comments. Quickly! Please.

Do mafia bosses say please? OK then fuck you!

And NO I AM NOT ON DRUGS I AM A MANIC DEPRESSIVE SCHIZOAFFECTIVE NUTCASE OK!?!

GET WELL SOON ANNA GRACE IF YOU'RE READING... Anna is probably in hospital with manic depression.

Illustrated: my mountainous China White Empire; gear to Aus; gear to Europe NOT ENOUGH COMES FROM BURMA in my humble view. I don't need it for myself but others do so I shall make multiple millions from their misery. (Someone has to.) I'm going to stick these maps on my walls full of map pins and post-it notes to make them look really important when the council come round and say "plan your drug smuggling operations elsewhere" and I'll say "I'm a heroin producer and importer not just a master smuggler"..!

0515 I should really go to sleep; but I'm too excited!

0641 Schizzoaffective quiz! See how you do. I got 20/24... oops

0739 I love these tests (personality disorders test)! I just found out I'm ~
paranoid: high
schizoid: high
schizotypal: very high
antisocial: low
borderline: moderate
histrionic: low
narcissistic: moderate
avoidant: high (I'm very avoidant, it's my new favourite word, it means you don't do anything that makes you feel SHIT)
dependent: moderate
obsessive-compulsive: moderate

eh I've found another one, a personaltiy disorders test. Im determined to get myself one. They're this season's hot psychiatric accessory. Especially in blue...
My results: paranoid 78%; schizoid 86%; schizotypal 90%; antisocial 46%; borderline 78%; histrionic 30%; narcissistic 42%; avoidant 42%; dependent 38%; obsessive-compulsive 66%... so I'm really schizotypal ie eccentric and don't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of me! Big wow. Big revelation that one. How perceptive.


1749 come on take the 2nd test, with percentages and gimme your results in comments. all psychopathology will be treated in strictest confidence. many thanks.

21:21 Calm

2121 I feel very manic and very calm. Don't panic not manic not knot tied up in nots not tied up in knots a lot lot of knots parking lot mot MOT MOT is a car test here in the UK. Don't panic I AM MANIC I KNEW THAT I WAS MANIC WHAT THE HELL ELSE COULD IT BE WHEN YOU GO VERY FAST AND HIGH AND FEEL HYPER AND YOU WERE DEPRESSED BEFORE? Tomblike depression entombed. Do you know I thought if I committed suicide I might stay alive for ever cold in the rain as trains rushed past? That's what I thought. When I was suicidal. Ha! Do you know that is called a "symptom"? Being suicidal. I don't feel suicidal now. I feel upwards now. I wish I could cling on to the UP forever and ever and a day no way nothing lasts for ever. In my head I feel darkness and a light shining out like the first light of the first ever dawn. AND GOD SAID LET THERE BE LIGHT AND THERE WAS LIGHT AND GOD SAW THAT THE LIGHT WAS GOOD. It's very good. That's why I believe in God. Because God is all powerful and the source of all power. I only have power because God has Energy. God is Energy and God Is Love. I wish I could sleep in God's love forever. That's all I wanted to be held in the arms of God who made me.

2131 I am dreading taking the antipsychotics hypnotics erotics support polar molar bipolar manic depressive oppressive undressive go to bed undress with the rest in a mouse's nest be the best beat the rest no less press make a money press blue diamonds

light light shiny bright light blue diamond light

did you know blue light wakes you up is that why i love the colour blue?

love you love you love you blue true blue

i can hear amazing music from the deer hunter theme and a jangly gangly gamelan sound going off in my head disco frisco disco biscuit digestives

2141 everything that i think of is transcendently beautiful how come everything comes at exact5 10 minute intervals i'm not faking the time the time is exact. i'm clearing up my mess with this manic energy. because i'm less manic than the very transcendent PEAK OF ALL HUMAN BEING everything doesn't explode around me like it does then did then now then one eternal loop of time because that time went out for ever

wow it is 2142 only one minute gone (feels like a long time) 2143 for me free to be me

2155 i feel so happy i am crying all the time thinking of New Jerusalem thats where i want to be. With God. In heaven on earth. New Jerusalem is the heavenly city descended out of the sky from God where we will all live one day. If you're reading this and don't live there then you're Eternally Dead so don't worry about it.

2159 59 time on line nine white lines straight ahead don't go red red or dead

blue i love you blue you you you u U U U U U U U U U

which is the most perfect letter? S or O...? Probably 0 because that's a zero hero zero hour rush hour RUSH HOUR POWER HOUR! HOUR HOUR HOUR FOR HOURS

2201 it's ten o'clock i should take my sleeping pill i don't want to antipsychotic

risperidone zone i have to take it i'm washing down zopiclona with black coffee

then wait an hour till 2300 and 2 risperidone ok i'm baiting my breath and doing it wish me luck


2303 MICHAEL JACKSON: LEAVE ME ALONE
this is the style of things i see when i close my eyes manic
no sleep comes!

Going Right Into One

GOING RIGHT INTO ONE. i forgot to take my medication last night now i'm hyper hi hi high high up high going into spiral (tribe describe imbibe) drink ink link pink link think pink blue for a boy powder blue i love you blue.... i love that colour blue.... i love you.... love from above.... power powder power power flower power how are your powers? powers that be... to me ... free. set you free. free to be me.

I wrote this earlier:

I'll tell ya what makes the world go round. Money, let's be frank. That makes today's world go round. Money and a lot of bad things. Doesn't the Bible say that the love of money is the root of all evil? And Energy. That makes the world go round, the literal force of energy, the energy of you and me; the energy of God the all-powerful. Love would make the world go round if only people weren't too scared to love. Because to love you must open up and to be open is to be vulnerable to attack. If only people weren't too scared to love, the world would be a very different place than it is today.

Flight of the Blue Tits

DOES ANY OF MY WRITING ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE? Or is it just me reading it back wonky? It seems to be all biddybangingbong: all over the place. I don't judge other people's writing as good or bad; I just read it. Also, my attention span is all over the place. I'm having a bash at reading a fictionalized biog later on; it's in short sections with rotating perspective (ie one person speaks, then another does, so it's easier to stick with). I need to get my attention span back.

And what was I on about earlier? Akh, I was a bit hyper. I was playing the music you see in youtube screens below today's earlier post which brought back memories of love doves and mitsubishi ecstasy. My mood was up so the music took me higher into full-blown "euphoric recall". It was more than the tingly neck you get from dance music once you get into it, it was a reliving of the E-state. I think that's why I'm now called "bipolar".

Akh, how did me and words like bipolar and schizophrenia ever get together? I always knew there was something wrong and that it wasn't plain depression. Those nauseatingly repeated dsm diagnostic criteria that pop up whenever you google "depression" somehow never described me even when I felt hopeless and suicidal. Partly this was depression deluding me, partly it was having got so used to being in a negative mind-state I couldn't see the positive one required to make sense of diagnostic criteria.

I fit the manic ones far more easily than the depressed ones. Ukh. Me? Manic?? A maniac is a crazy person and crazy people are Somebody Else.

I have been trying to read up on my medical condition because apart from knowing what it is I didn't know anything about it. Now I know a little bit about it. The European and American versions of schizoaffective differ. I have the European version that is, in the language of psychiatrists, mood episodes with mood-incongruent psychotic features. I also do have symptoms of schizophrenia but didn't even know it. I never delved into schizophrenia before: you can't know if you've got it. Stuff like obsessive-compulsive or bipolar you could know about because the patterns are really clear. Schizophrenia just feels like extreme dissociation with everything taking huge effort, even simple things. That's schizophrenia. That's why schizophrenics seem lazy, they're actually stressed. It's a big thing to do a little thing. That's why things don't get done. That's why I'm in chaos. Now I get all these people helping me.

Ukh. People helping me. I just want to crawl away and hide.

I want a bird feeder for all these blue tits. I haven't actually seen a blue tit around here. They're so tiny, they're like blue sparrows only slightly smaller (more wren-like) and highly agile. They hang out more at bird-tables and are frequently seen feeding upside down. They form mixed flocks with great tits, according to Wikipedia.

I can't wait for tomorrow because tomorrow I can get some paints. Whether I actually will get them is anyone's guess. Usually I don't do anything I actually plan to. I know I should do it but get lost in the detail. There is too much gory detail in life. There is too much gore. That is why I hate life. That is why I have to win the euromillions lottery. It's £50 million next week. I need enough to get a house with high prison walls to keep the world OUT.

Well I don't feel depressed any more. I felt depressed last night so I took a load of methadone and slept deeply. Then I woke up feeling fine. There are FAR worse things you can get diagnosed with than "elevated mood" (and my mood is elevated far more than it is low) so I'm not complaining. As Serious Illnesses go I think I got just about the best one. I keep hearing about, thinking about, seeing all sorts of physical injury and disease that scares the living shit out of me. Then I'm really glad I don't have to deal with that. I might be thinking that because I'm ill, but at least I am just thinking it not being it. (And I could get lost from here on in, as I get lost in what I think... ukkkk is that why my Dr thinks I'm crazy?)

O I have to go I don't know where I'm going now. Blue tits! There ya go. Left it on a positive note didn't I!!


Illustrated: tiny tits in various positions in British gardens

7:07 Entertainment

WOW IT'S ONLY 7 in the morning. It feels later. I slept for hours and hours because I took a whole load of methadone that was full of sugar (someone else's). It doesn't make me feel stoned at high doses, but it does make me sleep at night (not even during the day though, as heroin would).

Which is the crux of the methadone issue (because it's not like heroin) but Governments love it. (Because it gives outward signs of improvement.) Most addicts aren't willing or ready to improve that much and so methadone therapy is a waste of time. E.g. on the man who was willing to sell me £40 worth! His house is like a crackhouse. That's the place where everyone was rude. Everyone but him. He's OK. Gruff. But OK. Someone once said he was trying to intimidate me, but I don't feel intimidated by people like that. Who express how they are feeling. All they are doing is laying cards you already knew they had on the table. So dealing with them is easier.

Anyway I know a story about this one certain person that makes him out to be a Paper Tiger. I had another friend who was genuinely Hard and they came into conflict...

I don't particularly like the word Hard, when Strong and Tough describes somebody better. There's someone else I know like that and I respect him for it. Then people get to know me and call me "Hard" which annoys me. I also used to get called Cynical when I'm just normal in that respect. So people can be self-centred and nasty and I can see that. Ain't cynical: that's being realistic. It was when a heroin addict was banging on about how you "have to do stuff for your grandkids" and I was like "yeah once you've had a hit first" ~ and we all know that is the reality of heroin addiction. Once you've had your gear you're ready to Engage. Before that, no engagement can or will take place. And what little does comes with a whole slew of resentment. Forcing a heroin addict into meaningful activity before their heroin is like forcing a starving man to work before giving him any food. It won't make him like you.

Last night I put on Meet the Fockers again. My mood had fallen at about 7pm and I was pissed off. No longer manic but depressed. Manic depression. Doncha just hate it! I was particularly offended when my shrinko used those 2 words together in that phrase as if manic and depressed have to be 2 components of the same thing (but they are: I just hate it).

I was also very bothered and pissed off that I have schizophrenia. That is what schizoaffective MEANS. It means bipolar + schizophrenia and I know the schizzy bits in me. They are the bits that don't add up that I couldn't explain to another person. Like rooms in a house divided by bullet proof glass walls. Just because you can see into doesn't mean you're GETTING into or that anything gets out. What comes out is a report of that which is viewed not experienced. The experience takes place in that impregnable fortress of an experience-bubble. One day, to those of you who are interested, I will try and explain what is schizzy in me. Because I do think I grasp it. Just can't do it at 8 o'clock (as it is now) in the morning.

My roses are opening beautifully in their pint glass, especially one. The other has gone limp. I just cut the stem again. Now they look like Little and Large. Tomorrow I'm getting some Art Stuff to make my trotterdonkey Acrylic Paintings for my wall.

So this is now; that is then. I've got to go. Pizza and tea ready.


FRANTIC
i used to go to this club, it was nuts
and this is the sort of music i used to go eeeeeeing to: psychedelic hardhouse



these ones all have that unmixed compilation cd quality. a good dj would flash the next tune over the old one and dijjydit through so you're bouncing on the old one and then the E!-E!-E!-E!-E!-E!-E! energy of the new one takes you flying off....

HARDHOUSE MIX
stonkinstompin
but why the words? hardhouse = no words! CMON!!! i love the choon tho



CLASSIC HARDHOUSE 2 i love this one
what does this say to you, that squeaky word says all different words
squeakymunchtime diginmymind it's like a musical pill-dispenser
this one has words but the words are in the tune not outside of, that's what works better



this is what i've got. i have symptoms of bipolar schizoaffective disorder

My Sleep Meds

1703 I JUST GOT IT TOGETHER to look through my sleep medication which has been right in front of me for days I didn't even notice Nytol was there. I have 1x zopiclone 7.5mg and 2x strips of Nytol only 2 50mg pills taken. On 100mg Diphenhydramine (Benadryl) I'm OK to sleep usually on days 1 and 2 but after that it just stops working. Zopiclone works far better and is much nicer and not something to abuse (ALL it does it makes me sleep; nothing benzoey, just drowsiness, nothing else so no motivation to stay up through it as in temazepam (Restoril) which takes 30mg to 40mg to actually get me to sleep. 10mg temazepams are a JOKE. Zopiclone is the only sleeping pill I've taken that works reliably on ONE full-dose tablet. Zopiclone 3.75 is a piss take they're for elderly people but some doctors will mess around with you giving them when you just have to do 2 to get the effect ie half as many doses.

I also have enough methadone to zonk myself if I really needed to but hate doing that on methadone it takes a LOT. I buy it on the street for when I need extra. My dose is going DOWN now which I'm SO GLAD ABOUT I can't tell you. I absolutely LOATHE being on methadone I hate the shit, it's the all time pits of drugs. Does nothing unless you take doses I won't mention in case some kid with no tolerance thinks a hardened junkie's sleep dose will make them feel good when it WILL KILL THEM. I want off all this crap I hate taking drugs to sleep.

Last night (or rather this morning) I slept late morning to early afternoon about 10am to 1:30pm 3.5 hours. And felt gluttonous and lush for having done even that. Very indulgent. Mania thrives on sleep deprivation so the less sleep = the more manic = the better I feel unless I really start going off the scale which is just DIDDLADDLEODDLEODDDZZZ-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-ZZ-Z-ZZZZZZZBZZZZZZZZZZZZBZZZZBZZZBZBZZZZ like a noise.

I'm well rested now thanks to black coffee perking me up. Shouldn't drink that either. but with nothing, no drugs at all I'd be ragged, frazzled and extremely irritable and sleeping 3.5 hours maximum. Least with sleepers I can get a little extra sleep. If I take them at 10pm I can usually sleep midnight till 2:30am at least. This is while hyped up. When I'm down my sleep still goes all over the place but tends to go longer so I could sleep 12 or more hours. In bad states right through the morning into the afternoon from going to bed at 9pm.

Well this is me and sleep, maybe I shouldn't post this but what the heck.


Illustrated: temazepam 30 ~ this dose should actually work, but no better than zopiclone 7.5! Zopiclone (not licensed in the USA) is like a far superior version of zolpidem (Ambien) zopiclone (Imovane) is called Zimovane in the UK. Nytol one-a-night is diphenhydramine 50mg but I'm not even sure I should be taking that on bipolar mania it might make it worse... (who knows?)

1813 I might try a red light. Blue light keeps you awake; red at the other end of the spectrum definitely makes you sleepy. Hammies can't see it and go pinging about like crazy under red light, they think it's pitch darknesss...

NonSabatical Saturday: the red-yellow roses

0242 AKH I'M A MANIC MANIAC! I JUST TOOK my anti-me pills that stop me being myself. Sometimes that self is a bad self to be; other times it is a wonderful self. Tonight I feel wondrous. I feel like when I've done crack and hold on to my normal me as well as feeling high so I feel like a bungee rope stretching all whacky stylee. Does anybody know about art? I'm looking for 2x 2ft square, perfect square Daler boards to do Acrylic Painting on. I want to paint Simpsonesque cartoons for my wall. I want the decorations. I'm buying Rowney System 3 student colour acrylics, which are like melted butter in consistency, you can palate knife it on or water down, unlike Cryls Flow, which are waterier. I thought I'd go for more firmness to give the option. Only colour I have is carbon black with a permanence of *****5 stars which means a a thousand years in the sun probably wouldn't fade it. All the earth colours have ultra-high permanence. I'm buying the main primary colours in student colour or from the Pound Shop, if I can find them there. You can occasionally find Acrylic Paints in Pound shops. I don't know when I'm going to sleep I feel way too hyped up. Stupidly I had a cup of Cocaine Tea. That is tea with caffeine in it that makes me feel like I'm on coke. It's that strong, so I don't need "real" drugs of any kind, caffeine knocks me that far out of it, on top of my mania Real Drugs would send me stratospheric and I quite appreciate One Foot On The Ground. (My psycho-balletic move.) I'm not posting this till far later as I want some time to mull before posting everything about myself online. I hope you appreciate this is deeply personal to me. You are inside my own personal headspace, so Feel Privileged. I won't let just anyone in here, ha ha ha ha har!

03:44 I LOVE THE TITLE "GURN TIME" THIS IS GURNING:



i like Raving Pensioner in the green scoutmaster top with black hat, shame you can't see his eyes to see whether he really is on E. Looks like it though!

and i love smiley swaying permy haired girl in black cardie on white top who looks like she's just knocked off a shift in an office job, to me she is HardCore Raver, she's what rave was all about, shiny, happy people (holding hands)



0442 I'm going to try sleeping but eyes closed the most fantastical manically changing imagery plays out it's really fast and really weird, leadless figures springing out of plants I can see spiral in this screen behind the letters here in the screen, spirals, vague but there. Eyes closed the imagery is bright and brilliant. My head is lit up from the inside!

0540 How come I seem to be posting on the hour. That's unconscious that is but Im not i'm fully conscious. I am fraid of going to sleep bc my head too full of pictures I don't want to watch them. i went for a walk and realized i was hyped up and was nearly dancing on the street. ukh! no. don't do that people will think you're on drugs. i just wish i could have some sleep; i'm going to try sleeping with the light on but the lights so burning bright

shit its only 0542 2 minutes feels like a lot of time

0554 someone on the street just called out my name loud i'm going outside

0616 i realized it was an "auditory hallucination" (probably) before I got out but i was in a nosey mood anyhhow. the birds are singing amazingly. i found 2 red-edged yellow roses which i took home, unwrapped, clipped short and put in a glass of sugary water (that's what you're supposed to do yeah?) 0626 no lemonade available. i heard you stand roses in lemonade and water them with cold tea and sprinkle coffee grounds on them? is any of this true? i love red red roses with strong perfume, that's what i really love but yellow ones opening out with little perfume will do me fine. who knows they may develop fragrance as they mature..? i heard flowers pick up new fragrance every day. perfumiers harvest in the morning and can only collect one day's fragrance by picking and killing the flower. which is a shame. you could make a fortune by inventing a machine to "milk" flowers daily of their essence. the perfume industry, which has fields of flowers around Grasse in France, would go crazy for that. you can do a degree in parfumerie there, imagine that a BSc degree in fragrance, i can already speak french well enough to live in france so i could do that course

0622 thank God: only 2 hours till i can go out get my gloopyjuice from the chemist that leona lewis song does my head in with a voice whispering at the beginning (check it on the sidebar) right at the start it does it. tell me if you disagree.

0632 i've just had a headfucker thought but i can't put it down as i dont trust you, dont trust anyone and i'd have to xxxx for xxx if you found it out.... so dont find it out!

i wish this fucking chemist was open now i have one sleeping pill i'm not using until i really need it. i need to contact my friends a certain couple who stopped arguing in front of me because it upset me so much i said "you shouldn't have said that" when he said one shitty thing to her and my saying that made her cry and i thought "you shouldn't have said that" (to self) but my words WORKED: now they don't argue in front of me

0639 stupid thing just went and PUBLISHED when i pressed return so here we are... one totally unfinished post out in the public domain... the deer hunter music is playing round and round in the background ... sublime

0650 if you watch that fantazia video, just after smiley happy office girl there's a wide eyed guy (27 seconds into it) in a grey top he looks like me on E: totally bugged out! my pupils go so enormous you cannot see my eyes are actually BLUE not BLACK..!

0847 I'm going to try and get some sleep; should be easier with broad daylight against which to backdrop. The nighttime makes me hallucinate too much

Mood Switch

I HAD A BEAUTIFUL MOOD SWITCH about 2 and a half hours ago (17:30 hrs). Suddenly from crying over the word schizoaffective and feeling shitty, without any warning, I felt like I'd had a fat line of best charlie* and was ping bling BLIING yeah! Up. Not really really up but a bit hypomanic.

Which I now know I really was when I thought I might be but wasn't sure and got totally lost in a pile of diagnostic tosh. I think this dr is right. He's a consultant psychiatrist who has seen me 4 or 5 times with no pretence or bullshit at all on my part especially the past 3 or 4 times (feels like 4; only recall 3) when I had have/was having a mental breakdown. And as he himself said differential diagnosis (ie what it is if it's not schizoaffective disorder rapid cycling bipolar type is type 1 bipolar, rapid cycle. No question at all about that.

Mania means far FAR more than just being in a good mood. It means being really quick and more to the point having loads of energy, especially mental energy. The symptoms of bipolar are like biorhythms; they go up and down but not all in sync which is how weird crossover states happen (like having loads of mental but no physical energy or being manic and in a shitty mood) manic also means irritable and volatile. Mania is NOT delirious happiness and bipolar doesn't mean switching between happy and sad. [Whoever it was said that wants shooting between the eyes!] It means switching between high and low energy. Fast and slow more than high and low. Extreme mania is frankly terrifying and nonsensical. That is what I was putting up with a few weeks ago when all the rave music appeared.

My main problem apart from living in utter chaos is that my memory has gone very poor, on antipsychotics as well as off, so I can't blame the pills (unfortunately). I don't know their side effects and don't want to. I'm not quite as obsessional and neurotic as I might appear to be. I don't cry out for help often until past the point of saving. Y'all need to bear in mind that in reading my blog you're reading my own journal, my sounding board to myself, so I say things here I wouldn't bang on about in real life, probably to anyone.

I told Valium Marilyn I was "bipolar" because I know she knows what that means. "Yeah but what do doctors know?" was her response and I agreed with her. I'm bipolar as in 2 poles, I accept that. All else I refuse to dwell on any more than you would. I have to go now, EastEnders is two thirds gone already ...


22:54 please someone comment something. tell me what the weather is like on the other side of the world, or indeed in London if you're here. is it freezing cold? i think no, Valium Marilyn thinks yes, I tell her "you're ill darling, it's fine" in fact I was wearing fewer clothes as spring is springing up up UP high HIGHER and HIGHER, lovely yummy high!

0222 i have just reluctantlz popped my antipsychotics; i took 1.5 instead of 2 because 2 gives me side effects, I'm going to crawl the dose up to 2. I know I shouldn't do this but the person prescribing them isn't having to take them so I'm doing all I can. I don't want to take any frankly as I know I'd be going pretty full-on without them as it is I'm only mildish manic but I feel fantastic when I go with it, like I'm conducting music, bashing a tennis ball back and forth in technicolor hyperspace... mmmmm:


*(Charlie is cocaine.)

02:27 THIS SOUNDS pretty slow music compared to the HARDCORE RAVE i've had bangin away in my head but still it brings back the day mid-late 80s:~~~~~~~

A Flight of Blue Tits

IT'S 10 to midnight. I slept a few hours and woke up, finally, with a bit of calm! The following was written five hours earlier:

LET ME TRY and give a less winky-dink expression of today's goings-on than that bunch of crap you see one post below.

I went to my appointment today. Tomorrow I have one at the Psychiatrist rather than the Nutter Club. Unfortunately they crash but I had scheduling problems due to a computer error and I must take the time offered.

Naomi [the dual diagnosis lady] phoned me just now and pointed out he is a Consultant and so timewise finds himself practically meeting appointments pretty much when he is and isn't allowed to use the loo. It gets that bad!

If I were a doctor I'd be a Consultant Neurologist (never a psychiatrist: too headfucking that one. People with schizophrenia and bipolar ranting at me half the day and then the other 50% pf patients not wanting to speak. No thanks. Neurology patients usually can speak pretty fluently unless they're comatose in which case the checks and charts do the talking for them.

Now my own head is babbling away. I have Racing Thoughts or a Flight of Ideas. Like little tubbie birdies thrumming from one bird table to another. Now they're in the birdbath. Splish splash splosh. And they're blue tits. My favourite British Garden Birdies. Ask another British person if you don't believe about Blue Tits, They're beautiful..

OK back to midnight: my flight of ideas is safely in its nest boxes, has refrained from chirping and is looking forward to perching upside down tomorrow morning on the feeder.

I think what was wrong earlier was a long day and me just wanting to be home, crossed with the necessity to do endless little things that just got in the way when I was tired and wanted to unwind and the upshot was manic paranoia from which it takes hours to calm down. Naomi was very helpful. She just happened to phone right in the middle. I wasn't "going off on one" in a big way. No ranting. No talking nonsense. She knows how thin the line is between appearing to cope and not coping at all. That's why I like her.

She told me to focus on myself at tomorrow's doctor appointment and not my surrounding issues because other professionals are dealing with those.

All I would need say re today, if that came up, would be "I felt paranoid on the bus, like people were talking about me, so I got off earlier than I would have".

If I were a regular smoker of cannabis or crack I wouldn't be surprised to feel the way I do, but I gave up both. Cannabis went years ago, crack went two years ago (with a handful of lapses). My drugs workers at the time assured me my problems with paranoia and depression (that were only ever eluded to, nobody ever asked about them in any detail, so I never told in any detail) they assured me these problems would vanish in a puff of cocaine smoke. And yet they haven't. Shortly after giving up I realized a common cold had brought a strange return of paranoia and ibbly-bibbly weirdness. And that was a common cold! About 2 years ago.

Well crack has well and truly gone. The last time I used heroin it did nothing for me. Cannabis is a non-issue (never touch it). Uppers I don't go near. Hallucinogens or psychedelics I gave up entirely a decade ago. These had never been a big huge deal though they made a big huge impression on me whenever they were taken. So all these drugs have gone and I am doing all the Right Things I ought to be doing.

Surely I shall see some Fruits of my Labours soon..?

TITS IN THE BATH!
Bluetit playtime in Amsterdam!






Illustrated: blue tits and a Ancient Egyptian space alien ...


THIS is an A1 description of "racing thoughts"...

At 3am

SLEEP. My sleep has been abysmal. At best I can sleep a few hours. Or go all night and half the next day ie going to bed 24 hours from when I last woke up. So I got some zopiclone and took one in the early afternoon. I don't think I've ever taken a pill to sleep at this time. I thought I might sleep a couple of hours but I slept about hours and hours, probably 10 or 11 hours.

It's now past 3am. But I woke up feeling OK, like I could focus and concentrate and maybe even read a book.

I gotta go methadone clinic tomorrow. No choice. Gotta go. I hate going because the last few times I was high and caused great amusement. Talking to everyone. Being friendly. High on nothing.

I can't bear to walk in there as my normal boring self now. But I have to have to no choice have to. Hate being a methadone addict. It's not as bad in some ways as being a heroin addict. You don't wonder what the dose is going to be like strength-wise as you never feel it.

Heroin barely feels like anything, even when I took grams of it I never felt more than hot and chilled out. Which is strange as withdrawal literally makes you feel burning hot and freezing cold at the same time. Which is strange as apparently ancient (non-Biblical) descriptions of hell give a very similar account of simultaneously burning and freezing.

I want no drugs. I wish I'd never tried a single one.

Hey I feel alive alive ALIVE!


MICHAEL JACKSON: CHILDHOOD

A Serenity Hit

I FEEL ALL CALM AND SERENE since coming home from Narcotics Anonymous. I said nothing to them about the altered states I've found myself in. Ukh. I felt dead odd this afternoon. Don't know why. I blamed the pills I'd started taking again but they're supposed to make you well. Ho-hum. I shared about the stuff we at NA have in common. You are supposed to focus on the similarities rather than the differences. But it's the differences that are most intriguing. That's why I find pothead lady such a fascination: because she was NOT taking heroin or crack. But she never comes to the Monday meeting.

I really feel mellowed out on this Serenity stuff they have. If they'd had any spare I'd have hit up a little lump under the glaring striplight in the NA kitchen.

Speaking of which I have a whole load of new needles to get rid of. The ones I got last week when I couldn't be bothered any more. I look back and see such a lack of self-respect. I need to buy a few grams of self respect to hit up with this serenity. I think they'd make a nice mixture to bang up intravenously.

Now once this awful doctor's appointment is over I should be able to relax. Knowing I have to see this doctor on Thursday stresses me whenever it crosses my mind.

I heard something very interesting at NA tonight. Somebody said "I don't listen to my own head because it lies to me". I know exactly what he means. I can never tell which thoughts, ideas, impulses are the ones to go with. I need to learn how to Do the Right Thing.

That was what got me the most about Being on Drugs. I suppose deep down I knew that I was in a mess because I was doing Wrong. And it was in a real, awful mess I was in. Slowly, slowly slowly I am sorting myself out. I have clean clothes, a showered, clean body and the cleanest self I can manage. That means methadone, antihistamine (non-addictive) sleeping pills and antipsychotics. I'm not happy about the antipsychotics and I don't like taking sleeping draughts. Last night my head was lit up from the inside like a television set. I can see vivid imagery moving; abstract shapes. I was wuzzy on risperidone yet could not sleep.

So I zonked myself (reluctantly) on the diphenhydramine (Nytol). I slept through to the early afternoon, then realized I felt odd because I was hyped up. I had a difficult time in the post office where there was a very long line of people and people seemed to be looking at me, talking about me and laughing at me. I just try and be chilled out about all this. I do what I have to do, which is not react. I forced myself to stay in line, when my instinct was to get out of there. Then the lady gave me money, I got some bits from Sainsbury's quickly and got home. It will soon be midnight; I'm bracing myself for these pills. You get good meetings and bad meetings at NA and tonight was a good one. I'm keeping hold of this Serenity.

In the words of the Prayer (see below) I need Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference. So the next thing I need is Wisdom, so I know what to do. And once I get all 3: Courage, Serenity and Wisdom I'm OK. NA is just a group of people and its failings are human failings. I hope if I can accept people for who they are, and take what is good from the Group, then I can get somewhere with them. (I don't know what else to do.)

So that's me tonight. Still blissed out on this Serenity. And avoiding thoughts of Stressful Things.

Racy Brain (not down the drain)

I FEEL I'VE BEEN LIFTED UP!
I SLEPT A LONG TIME lats night because I had the antipsychotics, antihistamines and alcohol. The antihistamine was to make me sleep because despite the other stuff I just couldn't do it. And now I feel woozy and my head is racing and spinning. I feel in a much better mood. I'm not "high" but the same stuff is going on as when I'm going there. In the chemist and the post office I kept seeing visions in the floor. The chemist was a girl in a beautiful egg-shaped water drop with drops like rain behind her. In the post office I saw a slavering wolf in chalk-white on the brown floor. Then I looked away and there were just shadows where wolfie's features had been. I really am getting paranoid today I can't tell when people are and aren't talking about me and I hear weird noises. Whether or not this is the risperidone pills I don't know. If it carries on like this I know I'll go back on a manic whoooosh uppp-p-p-P-PPPP!! Least I'm not depressed right now all is fine with me. I'm stressed about seeing the doctor on Thursday and I don't like the way thes pills make me feel wibblywobbly. I can't deal with change and buying things in shops I just have to give money and get the girl to sort it out it caused a massive headfuck when all I wanted was an Oyster top up that's an e-bus ticket. Sorry if this doesn't hang together well my head has a distinct lack of focus and my memory is shot to pieces these days. I forget people's names, everything. Have a nice day everyone. Mine's going well. My racy brain has elevated me way above yesterday's dreary misery-schmizzery so I'm good. Good health to all!

PS ANNA GRACE: a lot of your comments got dumped in spam and I just found them. They're in their proper places now

Moulin Rouge

I WAS ASKING SOMEONE ABOUT A FILM with Kylie Minogue as the Absynthe Fairy, and Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman singing I couldn't for the life of me remember its name. I need films with constant music and this is a good one. I found it for £4 tonight. The idiot self service machine demanded an assistant, as I knew it would, to confirm I'm over 12 years old. And I bought a pile of tex mex pizzas as the other Morrisons have seen fit to clear their frozen pizza shelves empty. I chucked my basket on the frozen peas and stalked out.

I slept all day till 8pm. Got my methadone at 8:30am. Opening time. So I can avoid the world. Now with cherry flavoured alcohol and cigarettes and and ultra thin and crispy mexican pizza in the oven I feel OK.

All this clean shit can go hang. I just don't care any more. More you use, quicker you die. It's all good. Heroin can go take a hike. Crack is as relevant to me as weather patterns on Jupiter. Speed no way. Ecstasy ditto. I don't need uppers. They give a vastly inferior high to my own Natural One (I mean most of these substances last 4 hours maximum full-on, I was high for about four weeks straight on NOTHING, see what I mean?) Some people do use on top of mania but I think they're either truly cracked up or just have a piss-weak version of it. Stephen Fry said cocaine "evened him out" when hypomanic. LIAR! He means it intensified his high and THAT felt even. Uppers are way too jagged for my taste. The only drug that ever did it for me in an anytime anyplace anywhere way was heroin and heroin is unnecessary. From now on I will only consider taking multigram hits. Ie to use heroin as suicide. A Muslim once told me if you do yourself in eg by stabbing yourself, you'll spend eternity in hell stabbing yourself with a knife. I want to spend eternity hitting up the strongest hit of heroin I've ever taken. So I opt for that method. To die on heroin I need a low tolerance. To get a low tolerance I need reducing methadone. I'm already on methadone. So it's all good.

Sorry to post negative things. I'm forever stuck between telling the truth and telling a sanitized acceptable version that's basically a lie. So what you wanna hear?

No I'm not depressed. I'm nothing. I'm psychologically nothing. I'm NORMAL! PERFECT! OK! FINE!

I got a message yesterday about someone who had been through EXACTLY the same shit as me. Mood disorders. Personality Disorders. Strongly implied abused as a kid. I told them I WAS abused but only emotionally and not by my parents but this didn't seem enough. Then I told them some pervert who knew my name (but I didn't know him) said he'd come to pick me up when I was waving a flag at trains to make them go honk-honk from a railway bridge aged 9. But I just said "no that's not me". And I went away. I don't know what he did, because I didn't look. And this is all true. So no hidden trauma. Only trauma I remember.

Nursey only brought this up when dissociation rose it's head. Dissociation is cool it means you wander about and you're not real and/or the world is not real. A prissy weak person would let this bother them. What you do is go as deep into it as you can. It's a free drug after all. So vanish into it and don't come out. Same with mania but not depression. You don't go into depression unless you want it to kill you. The suicide rate in bipolar is 20%; in straight depression 9%. Schizophrenia is about 15%. So don't go into negativity, only positivity. The meaning of life is what life is. So make it meaningless or full of entertainment or both. But don't make it negative or you will die. If you do die bear in mind what that Headfucker said and use a delicious method of death. This is advice to self not you. If you want to kill yourself do yourself a favour. Fuck off and go elsewhere. I'm not into giving suicide tips.

Only thing that does my head in. I can't even say what I mean without the risk of some silly probably young and lost fucker trying to take my ideas which I will never spell out in sufficient detail for anyone else to know the Method and doing Something Stupid. You wanna kill yourself? Ring the Samaritans in the UK, ring the national suicide lines in whatever other place you may be. You're online. Google the numbers.

OK this has burnt itself out I'm going. I feel shit now I was OK before. I have a certain amount of happiness and it just goes, like a butterfly disappearing into the gloom of the evening.


Illustrated: sublime and trash. Says everything

MOULIN ROUGE: ONE DAY I'LL FLY AWAY
if i can find this i'll post it up, but my broadband will jam for the next hour so let's hope it plays
it plays. i like nicole kidman's voice
ONE DAY I'LL FLY AWAY
LEAVE ALL THIS TO YESTERDAY...

Bye bye Heroin

OK I feel OK now. Coasting down from heroin might have something to do with this.

I don't feel "addicted" to heroin, not the way I was. The compulsion to acquire more is not eating away at me. In days gone by I'd have been chomping at the bit to get more money tomorrow morning to go direct to the dealer for more. This lot was a 0.4g for £15. I rang 2 separate dealers. One wanted £15; the other £20. Mr £15 sells 2x tiddly £10 bags for this money. Mr £20 sells fat bags. When I finally met them by Argos they were both together so I gave Mr £20 £15 which he seemed to be cool with, and took a big chunk of dark brown heroin home. I had alcohol and cigarettes so I was in the best mood I could be in, considering how sour I was yesterday (pretty sour, to be honest).

A lot of people say I'm still in detox from the heroin I gave up in early December (though that gear was so weak, I really gave up proper heroin at some point last November). But I did ask Naomi about this again at Nutter Club (where I was in a foul mood) and she says no. If quitting heroin in favour of methadone causes problems as severe and persistent as mine it's "underlying" stuff. Not a "reaction". Well I don't know. I'm asking the doctor. But I noticed he barely mentioned drugs last time and finished with the words "at last..." meaning at last you've found someone, at last you've found acceptance, at last treatment, at last, after all this time this is being addressed. Which doesn't sound like he means a state of temporary detoxification.

Maybe the methadone has permanently damaged my brain. We all know they only prescribe it because it's ineffectual. And so was thalidomide.

I rang my former friend Mother Hubbard who didn't want to be bothered engaging in very much talk. She says she's down to 10mls methadone and thinking of going back to lithium. She always said she was on lithium before heroin. But on heroin she didn't need it, as heroin evens her out better. She said of lithium: it's "very helpful". Yeah and it's the all-time last drug that I want. Anyway she said she didn't have time for me and I said yeah I know our frienship fizzled out years ago. I don't think she liked my directness so I said "bye!" in a cheery voice and blip-p-p-ppp, I hung up.

Then, half an hour later, Pinky rings. I don't think they'd been comparing notes. I only know Pinks through Hubbs but Hubbs talks to no-one these days. I think Pinks was hoping me to be all manic and babbly and entertaining like I was last time. She rang twice. The second time I had heroin in my system so I was far more amenable to conversation. She talked about her borderline personality disorder (the mildest of her three diagnoses). She said she had googled herself and thought I was borderline too. (She's told me that one before.) I've only met two borderlines and both told me I was one too. I don't actually believe that but when Nursey wanted me to google myself about a year ago prior to an "engagement" with the local Personality Disorders Clinic that never happened, the borderline personality disorder was the only one I matched up ding ding ding ding ding! I don't actually think I'm "borderline" at all. I don't believe I have any personality disorder. The dr. thought I might have one... that was until the last couple of times when I came in all hyped up and confused (and drugs-negative). Personality disorders are out the window at this moment in time. Mood disorders are in, so far as I can tell.

Then Pinky said something I'd never heard: that the first time she met me she thought I looked manic. She said the second time I was a bit less manic, then I was depressed. And she asked Mother Hubbs whether I was a manic-depressive and Mother Hubbs said yeah. Mother Hubbard has had that theory about me for years and frankly I thought it was bullshit. I wasn't in the mood for talk of what I might have been nearly ten years ago. I'm down now. Nothing feels real to me any more. I only feel real when I feel high. (Natural or drugged.) The difference between drugged and non-drugged high is that the opiate version makes me ultra-focused so I can do stuff like spend hours doodling Chinese characters or I tell myself I'm being constructive, because I'm learning something. I can read novels. I can plough through books in German, dictionary in hand, consulting every single unfamiliar word. Heroin always gave me this focus.

The natural high gets more and more scattered the higher it goes, so I get into far more of a mess on that than I ever got on depression. I got into terrible troubles through these mood swings so if it is methadone causing it all I'm demanding a change of medication on clinical grounds. It's more than negligence; it's profound negligence to prescribe something that disagrees that vehemently. I got asked twice whether I wanted to go straight into the psychiatric hospital when these moods weren't even peaking. I was an absolute mess. Physically and mentally I was all over the place. How on earth they can justify prescribing medication that does that to me I just do not understand. If they refuse to change it I'll sue. In Britain you have a right to appropriate medical care, no matter what your condition. It's interesting y'all seem to think what's wrong fits my own original theory: that methadone does not suit me at all. I'm lobbying for MSTs ~ morphine sulphate pills.

I just glanced over what I wrote off heroin.

Shamanic Heaven? Very shamanic. Not heaven.

And if you think that's screwy, have a look at some of the nut-nut forums online. The bipolar one did my head in the most because if I'm that I've get manic a lot more intensely than anyone who posted on the board. Schizophrenia: that was really screwy. Page after page of ranting about how the US Government had implanted a chip in this guy's head and that's how they read his every thought. Drug addiction: that's me! I only stumbled over the criteria once and I fulfill every single one beautifully. As beautiful as a flower opening at dawn. If only addiction wasn't the ugliest illness going I'd be junkie-proud. What am I saying. No I wouldn't. I'm not 16 anymore. And I never got an addiction until I was 28 years old. Problem with me was I was already sicked off with depression. So once the seed of Heroin Addiction came along, it flourished in highly fertile ground.

A nice man came to see me this morning. He works for a charity that gives support to living train wrecks like me. Thankfully no psychiatric history was demanded (now giving that in a "highly hightened state of awareness" put me in touch with all manner of horrors safely stashed in the Forget Me For Ever box. I don't usually find memories traumatic. Because I choose not to remember. In that Mentalist Reception Centre I was forced to relive the most depraved and horrible episode of depression of my entire life. And I suddenly realized, if it hadn't been for Heroin, I might never have survived it. Now that was a headfucker. Usually I like headfucker things. But this stuff I hated. Most things couldn't harm me if they wanted to. Nothing is real. I don't need heroin to tell me that. That's the feeling I have, that disengages me. That's why there's chaos on the outside; and a diffuse white light on the inside. Peace. If only I wasn't so unhappy, I would be a beautiful place to be.

It's only the world that is ugly and I thought I needed heroin to cope with the world. When all I really needed was to be harder than it. I try not to care, but in a way I care very much. But I'm able not to do it. And that's what counts. So you see this supposed "illness" of mine. What Naomi calls illness. What the doctors think of illness, because it's they who speak of antipsychotics and lithium, not me. I wouldn't know what to ask for, except quetiapine. It's meant to be better than risperidone and you can dose once nightly. So I'm asking for that. But even my fellow "clients" at the Nutter Club label me ill. Which I found crazy. Because I wasn't ill that time I came in laughing hysterically and babbling. I was just a bit excited and I had gone into a 48-hour cycle. 43 hours awake; 5 hours asleep. Makes ya feel lovely.

When I said to Naomi, who wants more people to join our club, why don't you let everybody in? Most addicts, after all, have some anxiety and depression. We all want to die during detox: that's par for the course. She said no it doesn't work like that. You need serious mental illness just to get in the door. I didn't know this when I started attending. Naomi knows my issues. I was complaining of mood swings for months (when I attended infrequently). Moods that nobody else seemed to notice. I didn't dispute the point in case she chucked me out because I don't really even really get depression. I just get in a mood where I see Truth. Same as being on a high. What you see is Truth. It's the in-betweens where lies flourish. Nowadays the tables are turned on me. It's me saying I'm perfectly all right and Naomi banging away at me to take medication. If I do, it'll stop me getting high again and that's what I want; another high, man. I feel the sea swelling as we speak, but I couldn't tell you which way the current's taking me. Heroin is the only thing that calms those tides. I'm neither up nor down nor left nor right on heroin. Just a wuzzy version of OK.

I'm afraid of not taking heroin again because I feel desperate and lost and confused without it and I've never survived without heroin except when I was so hyped up I didn't know what day it was. Hell, when I really got going I rushed so far ahead I honestly thought we were living in next year. None of this is bad. Don't pin suffering on my description. What would you rather be? High on nothing free of charge? Or "high" on heroin and paying every penny you have to be little better than OK? Only advantage heroin confers is a modicum of focus and concentration that I just don't have without it. Methadone gives nothing and that's why the Government give it. They want me to get confused enough that I wander out and get hit by a truck. That's what they want. They want rid of me.

So this nice man named Deshane had to come in and endure my house. I knocked back one cherry cyder. Found a full can on the side I'd forgotten about, knocked that down on top of it. Only felt depressed. I kept glancing at the time thinking, "I'll give him 15 mins, no more," and he turned up bang on time.

He tried not to look shocked at the state of my house. I have two carrier bags full of 50 Nigerian DVDs that I thought he might be interested in, but he's from St Lucia, so he doesn't speak Yoruba. Shame. I don't want to throw these films away. Now if you want an illness, that's my illness: hoarding. I have five televisions, three surplus chairs, three or four toasters, four or more radios, five or six duvets (I use them all at once to make a giant futon)... and I have sackfulls of clothes fished from bus stops and rubbish bins full of tears and holes that don't even fit me. It was the psychotic guy downstairs who pointed out that I dress like a homeless and I looked at what I was wearing and realized he's telling the truth. Nothing I wear was bought. It was all salvaged from the streets or given to me. I wouldn't wear anything nice. I burn cigarette holes in anything nice, because ... because I am inattentive.

So we had to go through my care needs which I don't recall. I honestly don't remember what he said. I was so stressed I just wanted the interview over. What he did say was that they can get me DLA, the benefit for Mental Fuck Ups that I had twice and let run out twice because I was too fucked up to claim it (sad but true). And he can get me my own place. I said my neighbours all hate me and with good reason, the amount of rubbish I collect, I don't blame them. But he says I can have my own front door and a bedroom and a separate kitchen. It sounds good and as long as I can paint my walls blue I'll be happy. I'm buying superglue and handcuffs so when intruders break in I can place the under citizens arrest. People will victimize you badly in London if you let them. Anyone dares break into my place and I'll lie in wait and stick them to the floor. And you think I'm joking. I intend to be a proud home owner.

Deshane thinks it's a really good idea that I ought to pack what I DO want in boxes, giant tartan bags etc (I have many a spare hammy cage and fish tank that I can fill with books to save space). Anything not packed up I can safely throw away.

Akh why does this have to happen? I feel heroin wearing off and my usual sourness creeping on. I feel as sour as a month-old pint of milk. Well you have to laugh at it. If I did't have dissociative mechanisms I'd have died long ago. Dissociation means nothing is actually real. If my life really was as bad as it was I'd never have survived it. I just cannot see how I would survive. And all this is down to that methadone they are poisoning me with. I found out a bit about how you appeal to the head of the local health authority when methadone is an inappropriate treatment so that's what I'm doing. Taking my complaint right to the top. It's not normal to have symptoms of a severe mood disorder just because you're taking that Mean Green the government force on me.

I've seen how other heroin addicts and crack addicts live. They all look well put together and they live in clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane has hit it. My life is post-nuclear. Everything is a mess. If only this meant I could motivate myself to change it would be a useful insight but it's not. Because the reality of life is hopeless and pointless. I know you probably want to laugh but this is how I feel.

Well I'm going now. I've banged on enough about my boring self. If anyone actually reads to the end, I'll give you a gold medal with "I AM A METHADONE SURVIVOR" engraved across it. How does that sound?

OK I just read back over this and it's farcical. I can't even tell whether I'm being sarcastic or real or not real I'm just fed up. Better to make y'all laugh at me than to make y'all upset. I've had enough; it's 7:30; my chemist opens in an hour so I'll get that one done and hopefully sleep all day. I hope you have a good day. Does anybody know a magic cure for unhappiness where I can be drug free. I don't care how long it takes to work. I have the rest of my life. And I'm going now, before I say something I regret.

Have a nice day y'all!