what's up: monday morn

I SLEPT LIKE A BABY last night I don't remember how long maybe 6 or 8 hours i don't recall what time i went to bed (maybe around 4am) I got up after 10. Next thing I knew the stupid alarm was going off. All I wanted was access to my own money from that ridiculous Second Class Citizen Card (ie not a shiny one with Visa Wings you pay money INto because you're rich; one you take Govt money OUT OF because you're poor that rubbishy post office card I had to get because I withdrew £700 I didn't have from my former bank account. I had a real nice heroin/crack binge on that £700 it has to be said. Unlike America you won't get arrested for that over here. In fact I'm considering suing THEM for negligence. They allowed me to overdraw. No fraud was involved. I only went into supermarkets, bought cheapest sparkling wine and asked for £50 a day in cashback (cashpoints wouldn't give this money, neither would over-the-bank-counter) once I realized this was a ready sauce of unending cash I spend away. Shit only hit the fan quite a while later and now they're one of some number of people trying to sue me over these debts. I'm not exactly losing sleep over it. Why do you think I enjoy being crazy so much? Nothing to come back TO.

Well this nonbipolar thing is still going nicely when I get walking I hear lovely voices saying "fuck up" "call a doctor" "oo that's mental" etc. This does have something to do with having watched Angelina Joelie being Mentalist Chic in Girl Interrupted this morning. Those voices don't upset me. Takes far more than THAT to get me upset (no heroin used to do it big time). The drs think I have a real healthy attiude by considering "auditory hallucinations" (ie Reality Plus) as "free entertainment" (which it is) the best one happened yesterday after Valium Marilyn who wasn't half banging on about her problems poor woman anyway I heard my own voice doubled and out of sync in my own head. It was really poetic. [Hearing 2 of me thinking. That was cool.] And the cars on the street start doing this thing where they either speak random words (not so much nowadays as it's piss weak nowadays) but they also sound really whoosh-oosh-oooohhh!! rather than just boring like cars normally do. A bit like a car sounds after a nightspent at a particularly funky hardcore rave.

So I'm sleeping for ages. Oh yeah! My bowel problems! I knew y'all would want to hear this. I feel like I've swallowed a giant jellyfish whole and it's blocked me up. Terrible inconvenience. How will I ever shit again? I'm eating a breakfast cereal wtih cocolate hazelnut inside called Kraves. The kind of stuff us Brits used to look down at Americans years ago over "how CAN you eat marshmallow for BREAKFAST"? Mcdonalds have it all wrong the number of times I've been refused Big Macs before 10:30 or whatever ridiculously late hour a HAMBURGER JOINT actually starts serving up HAMBURGERS I hesitate to recall.

Well I must go I feel fine now. I was all dull, drab, dysphoric etc a couple of minutes ago. I wanted to cry earlier. I had Better Not be coming down. If I am I can just feel it, I'm going to feel really SHIT. Well best not consider that option. Also Naomi will really love it if I'm down next Nutter Club she'll think it serves me right for having had a Personality last week. Well I'm off have fun!

ps i'm watching the aviator or did i say that? very slow moving but quite good. i want voices talking about aeroplanes and hollywood movies, not boring psychiatric crap. i hate psychiatry why did this have to happen to me? only good thing about psychiatry is the other patients they're really funny

oh yeah i had some nutter links but they are somewhere else, here's one that proves a desperate person is capable of speaking plain english (do nurses really believe you have to get to the jib-jib-jib phase before you need help? oh yeah they call that "acting" so just ignore 'em. that's what i do. except when you wanna go outside in which case it's first name terms and lots of flirting. best nurses are always female so be male or a lesbian if you want to go outside

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100402182556AAQgrJZ

can't recall why this came up but it wasn't what i was looking for. why do they close answers down so fast? i'd have said try sulpiride

Free Rice

In my interest to make a difference, no matter how small, I came across this great initiative today, thanks to 3F's.  FreeRice is a non-profit website run by the United Nations World Food Programme that provides an almost effortless means for people to donate minimal time in exchange for free rice to the needy. You play simple multiple choice games and for each correct answer, FreeRice will donate 10 rice grains on your behalf.

Getting Started:

1.       Go to www.freerice.com

2. Click on the sign up button (located at the left top corner of the page), register with a valid e-mail address. Once you receive your confirmation e-mail, logon with the pre-generated password supplied in the e-mail. (You can change this password by editing your profile after first login).

3. Before you start playing, you will need to select a group as follows

Click on "Select a group"

Click on "Find groups"

Join the Muslims United group as follows: Type "Muslims United" in the search box (top right corner)

Muslims United will appear in the list box (as shown above), click on it. On the next screen, select PLAY.

Remember, each type you login, you will need to scroll down to "Muslim United" and click PLAY so that you can contribute under this group. 





Select a category and start playing. It's fun, easy and non invasive. Imagine while you play, you're donating rice (food) to someone who did not have it 3 seconds ago.  Just 5 minutes a day secures a meal for one of the 925 million hungry people worldwide.

I gave 2210 rice grains today - how much did you give?

ps: 36 590 rice grains in a kilogram

Slept/drum & bass/jungle/hardcore/cleaning/shopping/etc

I THOUGHT I WAS running out of energy, having spent most of the night awake, then pinging down the chemist for my methadone, then going home, then having a black coffee for energy (physically tired), then another coffee, then having the most fun cleaning I've ever had in my life. Then feeling physically like I was on speed. Then feeling like I was going to have a panic attack.

Physically exhausted, I put myself to bed, saying "you are ill, and you are mentally ill, lie down, this will pass" ~ so I slept the expected two hours till it sounded like Loose Women or Doctors was on (different channels; couldn't have been both) ... I put the covers over me like a tent and slept some more, aching all over and genuinely feeling ill. Then I got up feeling so hungry I was sick. I seem to have lost a stone in weight: or the scales I found on the street were inaccurate. I've no idea. [One stone is 14 lbs or about 6.5kg.]

This evening I did some irritating little things I had to. Then shopping. Morrisons supermarket. Tex Mex pizza. Best ever. The self service till was like a robot at a hardcore rave. Please please scan (an) the next itemplease scan WAIT FOR AN ASSISTANT!!) lots of fun. And that pizza is amazing. I only had chips (which are Iceland American style curly fries (do they actually have curly fries in America? These are lovely). Then Holby City (hospital drama) came on. I missed EastEnders.

I'm scanning the radio for decent pirate stuff. The drum and bass they're playing sounds a good 17 years old! Proper Ragga Jungle. That's what I'm looking for.

Drink is down to 2 cans at 7.5% ABV ie 1 litre. It's up to 85p a can! Will this torment never cease??!! Nah, don't wanna be a drinker all my life. The alcohol is GOING!

Now I have to not drink coffee, which I appear to be hypersensitive to. I mean this was full on speeding on TWO cups normal one heaped teaspoon. Coffee has never been quite that strong before. I mean, this was physical, hence the anxiety. The highest hyper highs I have had have been totally out of sync with any coffee drinking. E.g. the Mental Hospital Day ~ hadn't had a cup for five hours. Had only had one or possibly two. Don't need caffeine. Nicotine has to go as well. Cigarettes are a terrible poison. Why should I be dependent on outside drugs to poison myself.

Now I have to finish what I barely started that is clearing crap I don't know what is relevant or not. No I'm not allowed a flamethrower, which would make clearing up far easier. Yeah yeah highly irresponsible I know so it's boring old chucking out. Let me indulge a fantasy once or twice. So now the hunt is on for Proper "Old Skool" as they call it to make me feel ancient (ie hardcore rave 1991, 1992) or Ragga Jungle (probably won't find that) or ancient sounding but probably modern rapid drum & bass with an overgrown schoolboy running out of rhymes on top.

Traaaaaaaa!!!! How are y'all. See I'm not irritably ranting tonight. Clean clean clean and cleaner. Clean me clean up. Live a clean life. Clean and Serene. That's me goal ;-)



21:29 London Radio: Eh, the Greek stuff ain't bad...
01:22 hrs Love FM Live .com (lovefmlive.com) good garage after midnight

£9.30 takeaway

Tonight I had balti chicken with nan bread, yogurt dips and a green salad for the princely sum of £9.30. Well it's not going on heroin, I reasoned. Heroin is a thing of the past, yet again. I can't believe I ever went back to it. And with that friend who tempted me I am highly annoyed. I have had enough of people. People bring nothing but confusion. They mess up my existence. No thanks.

I felt so stupid wielding that needle around hands and feet and legs. Over the time I'd stopped I'd grown totally unfamiliar with the process of banging up the Z-grade narcotics found on Britain's streets.

I wasted more than £80 chasing a high from rubbish that was never going to do anything for me. £80, £90... nearly £100. The binge went on for four days. I call it a binge because compared to not using at all for weeks on end, that's what it was. A huge waste of time and money. I only had the money because I'd NOT been blowing it all on piss-weak "heroin". And what did heroin ever do for me anyhow?

Nothing. It only ever was a massive waste of time.

True, very briefly the drug put me back together again at a time when I felt I needed to be together, to function, to get things done.

But the upshot of heroin use after years is the very opposite effect: protracted apathy, low-grade misery. A wasted life. I never really needed heroin then. I certainly don't need it now.

Bears

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK is on. No wonder I'm depressed. A mad guy living with bears is on the other channel. Black bears. Why do they never live with teddybears ~ proper brown ones? Brown bears are far cuter, not to mention tubbier. O hang on I think one's doing a poo in the woods.

Those black bears are barely any bigger than a domestic dog! They're tiny.

Now I must go. I ate an Iceland steak pie and I'm in a bad mood.

Winter is here!

IT'S RAINING. IT IS MISERABLE. I am miserable.

So I went to Morrisons and bought cheapest brown bread, tomato soup, ground black pepper (to go on the ridiculously over-salty Value Soup), kippers, tea etc etc.

Winter hibernation here we come!

Also my goblin cure should hopefully be with me tomorrow, or the next day at latest. Then I'll have the luxury of home broadband back. Hurrah!

Kipper Addiction

I HAVE JUST REALIZED I AM ADDICTED TO KIPPERS... haddock, mackerel... smoked fish of all kinds. this is terrible! What am I going to to?!

Like a clucking junkie this morning I trawled the supermarket in desperation along the chilled meats isles. Finally I found smoked mackerel with peppers all over it (coloured and black, yes you can even get chili-peppered mackerel these days)... my eye drifted along to haddock and then "kippers". There is no such fish swimming in the sea as a "kipper". It just means smoked herring. Tescos yesterday wanted £3 for 200g ie £15 a kg. Morrisons own were 78p for 200g ie £3.90 per kg or nearly a quarter of the price.

I took them home gleefully and indulged in my habit with toast, behind closed doors.

What am I going to tell Narcotics Anonymous? Hi I'm an addict and I'm addicted to heroin, crack (as was, gave that up January 1 2009), drink, the odd Valium and KIPPERS! Ukh. But they're so moreish....


NAOMI CAMPBELL was in a crimes against humanity court today. Hurrah! I thought. Finally the beautiful monster is getting nailed for her offences to fashion, music, novel-writing and film. But no, it was some silly case that she would inevitably answer no to, because no-one will admit in front of the taxman to a potentially multimillion pound gift, that the President of Liberia gave her a whacking great blood diamond.

She says no (quelle surprise!) But she did wake up in the middle of the night at the Presidential Villa in South Africa with two mysterious men standing over her (she didn't lock her door, what a tart!) who handed her a "bag of dirty stones".

Hmmm...

I bet she gets more in free gifts off her millionaire boyfriends than she ever earns on the catwalk or in front of a lens. I heard she only makes £2 million a year, which sounds fine and dandy till you realize her agency takes a whacking cut, then the tax man ~ 50%! ~ which can't leave more than about £700,000 a year. And how are you meant to live and buy a decent house on that!!

Those horrible "real housewives of New Jersey" were boasting of the value of their homes. Well one was. And I translated dollars to pounds and thought, hang on a minute one of my old houses was worth that.

Yes a standard £500,000 London home, housing the poor and destitute!

Illustrated: kippers, Naomi Campbell ~ mobile-phone lobbing queen of mean, Millennium Star diamond ~ 203-carat D-flawless!


Naomi Campbell talks cocaine addiction with Oprah Winfrey



Vauxhall Corsa: the new supermodel 1992 commercial
Naomi Campbell, Linda Evangelista, Christy Turlington et al... and a car

No drugs for dinner

I'M HUNGRY...


Not for that...
I've food on the brains.



These Fox's Viennese chocolate melts...



...were very nice dunked in tea the other morning.


Flapper usually isn't far from his cherry tree or the neighbours' luxury TV aerial 10 houses down. When he sees me he takes off... Flapper by name, Flapper by nature...


Chinese chicken curry is calling my name!
But at £6.20 with egg fry rice it's too expensive, and it's too late in the day for a combination box...


So I'm going Southern Fried instead!

IT WAS 5AM when I first thought of writing this... somehow an hour has flown by. I am dipping Turkish chockie biccies (Ülker Biskrem Duo ~ they have chocolate creme inside) in hot tea while the birds tweetle and chirp like crazy in the trees outside. On my road just now I saw a giant tubby pigeon. It flapped away the second it saw me. I don't know much about pigeons but there seem to be three types round here: gutter street pigeons (equivalent to me, a gutter street junkie); posh loft pigeons (equivalent to The Queen) these are kept by owners with whistles who race them or do whatever pigeon fanciers do... and finally, the type I just saw, which appears to be a different type, with white sash round the neck. These are wild birds of exquisite rareness. The supermodels of the pigeon world ~ Linda Evangelista or Naomi Campbell. And all I could think as I trotted down the street, chocolate biscuits in hand and spotted it was "that would make a nice pie!" (I must've been hungry.)

I have found the German equivalent to Coronation Street! (A lower-class soap opera. British soap is always working class. I wanted to make a new soap, a kind of modern Dallas-Dynasty combined set in London-Paris-New York (well you'd only need to shoot a few minutes of exteriors per season, most could be improvised in a studio garden anywhere). It would star an ageing Larry Hagman as evil patriarchal billionaire with Joan Collins as his bitchy matriarchal billionaire wife. Roger Moore would come in as Joan Collins's luurve interest. I would do all I could to get Elizabeth Taylor, Sophia Loren, Sean Connery, Lauren Baccal and the Hollywood old guard to put in guest appearances. The younger generations are all classless so I'd get some dogsbody to cast them. I would ensure that an international cast of actors with followings across the most important television markets of the world got parts, to boost foreign sales and ratings.

The German soap is called Lindenstraße, "Lime Street". Launched in 1985, it was the first ever German soap opera and was modelled on Coronation Street. I would say it is more similar in spirit to the British daytime soaps about doctors surgeries, or Australian soap, than British prime time TV (and this goes out 18:50 hours Sunday on Das Erste ~ which would put it up pretty much against the dreadful Larkrise to Candleford ~ a truly awful piece of British costume drama. I also had an idea for a costume drama soap, but trust me, it would be nothing like Larkrise! More Anna Karenina ~ all aristocrats and ballgowns, laudanum parties and duels. Not chatteringly dullard middle classes. Anyway, the episode I chose to watch on Flashplayer was called Schnee ~ "Snow". I thought "how lovely, a German winter wonderland on TV"... little did I realize the "snow" in question comes in little white lines for application straight up the nose! Of course when I realized it was drugs I was riveted. A butch lesbian dealer had an argument with her femme girl who has a motorbike helmet haircut. If I were her I'd worry about my hairstyle first and sort out the druggie girlfriend later, but that's TV for you.

My Mum has cancer. It came back. I saw her Thursday. I could see she was ill. I went out and bought a gram of heroin after that. My counsellor says I have to talk to my mother. She also says I see heroin as my Saviour. (How did the counsellor know that?!) But now the heroin has less appeal. I can't say why, but it does, and I say that sober. Usually junkies only want to be clean when they are high. Bring them down to earth and all they want is more drugs to get back up to la-la land, where they can look down and convince themselves they want to clean up yet again (but not now: "tomorrow") and on and on the cycle rolls. Eventually they give up on giving up and accept "I am an addict. I am powerless over my addiction, so I will simply go on using". Then they realize addicts DO have a choice and the choice is to STOP. (Using isn't a choice, using drugs is automatic to a drug-addict) ... eventually they might come to a place like NA where they say "I am powerless over my addiction, so I surrendered to a power greater than myself"... This is the mysterious "higher power" these 12-step groups talk about which "restores us to sanity"... I believe only God can save me now. But God would not be interested in someone who loves heroin more than him. (What a Catch 22!) My higher power is God Almighty. For me, no other power is high enough or powerful enough!

As things are, I have left it with the clinic that I'm not interested in reducing my methadone dose any more. That I would rather go on as I am and use several times each week and let nothing change.

I didn't tell the druggieworker this, but I thought, having such a great track record at breaking every resolution and promise I've ever made since Heroin Addiction, perhaps if I promise mediocrity and inaction ~ I might break THAT one too, and all for the best!!

... And you wonder why a mere AVERAGE length of heroin addiction is 14 years..?!


View Lindenstraße

PS I THINK the pigeons I keep seeing are WOOD PIGEONS ... they make the famous coo-coo you hear on hot summer days that is not a cuckoo... (they are musical cuckoos)

ILLUSTRATED: "DOUBLE UOGLOBE" is heroin from Burma's Northern Shan State; other pictures refer to Heroin Assisted Treatment, a scheme which might well have got me off drugs long ago ~ and would certainly have severed my connexions with dealers... but as it is ~ miserable methadone or street heroin. Or go through hell trying to stop (probably to use again at the first opportunity ~ let's be frank). What fine choices!

Results of Dutch supervised trial of injectable heroin hydrochloride or smokeable heroin base (for "chasing the dragon" though I have never heard ANYBODY except a journalist use that expression ~ most people either say chasing, or when they get old and can't be bothered to sound cool just call it smoking. Smoking or injecting.

www.opioids.com/heroin/holland.html

Magnus Bread

I HAVE BEEN EATING ultra-wholemeal Polish seedbread... Very bourgeois... very nice.


Usually I eat Hovis bread. Crack open a fresh pack, put your nose in ~ mmmm! That lovely malted wholegrain..!



It goes really lovely with Lurpak unsalted butter...



Last week I survived almost solely on fishfingers sandwiches... Unlike this one though, not dripping with baked beans!!!



Today I bought CREMA DI NOCCIOLATO ice cream: "hazelnut ice cream with nougat sauce (17%) and hazelnut pieces" ~ a bargain at £1.79 from Lidl.





Here's a tiny doggie film:
TWO NORWICH TERRIERS DOGGEDLY PLAYING AT HAVING A FRIENDLY LITTLE SAVAGE ON AN AMERICAN LAWN...





For those of you interested in a mysterious dialect moo'd by black-&-white cattle, here are some literary works written in the same... a couple of links I stumbled across yesterday on a Dutch website for literature in the Frisian tongue...

Frisian literature link: http://www.sirkwy.nl/intro.html

Article on Frisian literature with links on UbA blog Nederlandse taal en cultuur: http://vakreferent.wordpress.com/2010/04/14/sirkwy-digitaal-portaal-naar-friese-letteren

Polish Village Bread ltd company website: www.polishvillagebread.co.uk/en/manchester/products.html

15 foods you shoulds always have in your kitchen

According to Shape magazine, http://www.shapemag.co.za/, the following foods are healthy and filled with optimum nutrition and they wont break your budget





Yogurt

Keep your "good" digestive bacteria at a healthy level with yogurts containing live, active cultures.

Wild Salmon

It contains omega-3's, which help maintain heart health. Why go wild? Farm-raised salmon can be more prone to disease and may have been exposed to or treated with antibiotics.

Egg Whites

Even with yolks, eggs have just 293 to 334 kilojoules each—but that yellow center is high in cholesterol. Buy fresh eggs and then take out the yolks for a quick boost of protein in your breakfast.

Leafy Greens

Healthy greens like broccoli, cabbage and kale have optimum nutrition and are loaded with a plant chemical that may help lower your risk of cancer.Other dark, leafy greens, are loaded with iron and vitamin K.

Blueberries

There’s no way to talk about super diet foods without mentioning blueberries, which contain antioxidants and double as an anti-inflammatory. Aim for about half a cup a day.

Almonds

Not only do almonds help reduce bad cholesterol, they may help you lose weight—according to a study published in the International Journal of Obesity.

Black Beans

They're high in fiber (a major plus) and offer other optimum nutrition components, such as calcium, iron and folic acid. So toss them in an omelet or make a black bean soup.

Apples

Apples are packed with fiber and may help reduce your risk of heart disease. They also contain the mineral boron, which is good for bones.

Tomatoes

Tomatoes contain an antioxidant called lypotene, which may help prevent certain cancers. Studies have also shown that tomatoes can lower cholesterol, as well as reduce blood pressure and maintain healthy cellular growth (which is a fancy way of saying it can help you have healthier hair, nails and skin). Your best bet? Eat plenty of tomato sauce. You’ll be able to pack in more nutrients than by just downing slices alone.

Orange Juice

Orange juice contains heart healthy omega-3's, as well as potassium and—you guessed it—vitamin C.

Sweet Potatoes

Sweet potatoes have five times the "required" amount of beta carotene your body needs. So what does that mean? For one, healthier skin. Beta carotene can help prevent against sun damage. It may also boost your immune system, preventing you from getting sick from colds and other infections this winter.

Wheat Germ

Wheat germ contains magnesium, which helps keep your bones healthy in addition to reducing stress and maintaining healthy insulin levels. It also has iron, fiber, calcium, potassium and even zinc.

Pomegranate

This tangy fruit comes with a punch of antioxidants, including tannins and anthocyanins. It's a must-have addition for any heart healthy diet since it may help blood flow and reduce levels of bad cholesterol.

Hot Peppers

Chilies don't just spice up your favorite recipes—they’re also packed with vitamin C and may help reduce pain levels. They may also help you lose weight.

Oatmeal

Down a healthy dose of fiber for breakfast with a bowl of oatmeal, which may help reduce LDL or "bad" cholesterol levels, as well as provide nutrients, such as vitamin E, iron and magnesium.

RBD

I'M HAVING ROAST BEEF DINNER "for" Xmas ~ even though I don't keep the dastardly waste-of-space day I know everyone else does so I feel left out if I waste the day off my head on heroin, which is my customary way of "celebrating" Christmas.

Today I'm having a literary Christmas, I hope.
I bought those paperback ringbinder things, (dunno what they're officially called) ya know ~ those things students use to bind a project ~ to stop my errant papers blasting all over the place. I'm in continual terror of losing a page...

I hope everybody has a pleasant day out there... "pagan"-mas "Saturnalia"... Roman-Catholicized "Christmas" // or whatever your "bag" happens to be.

And most importantly of all: HERE'S WISHING EVERYONE A SUPERLATIVE 2010 ~ first year of the century we're allowed to say "twenty" at the front without sounding pretentious!!

Cheery-bye everyone!!

LION-TIGER-BEAR
"Naturally" a Bengal tiger, African lion and American black bear would never meet... and yet, thrown together by persons who didn't have their best interests at heart, what a story!
Cuddly friendship... How cute is this. They were rescued as babies from evil drug dealers who wished to keep "high class" exotic pets in the garden... their thoughtful keepers at the zoo to which they were taken were insightful enough NOT to separate the three... and how amazing... have a look:

Here's the report from ITN news:



First Person: Lion-Tiger-Bear Harmony..!



All by Myself ~ Celine Dion
I know she's a bit gawky and geeky but man ~ what a voice! And I love that Scottish-sounding one she did about Kate Winslet throwing the Hope Diamond into the chill depths of the Atlantic after Romeo di Caprio died... how romantic!



Images: lovely roast beef dinner as only the English can pull off (must include cauliflower cheese and Yorkshire puddings and lashings of gravy..!)... I've not written probably 100th of this, but that's what War and Peace would look like in MS form...