Far better than earlier

MY ACCIDENTAL "OVER" DOSE IS WEARING OFF. I am 90% sure I took 8mg risperidone instead of the prescribed 4mg. 8mg is the maximum ordinary dose for bipolar; 10mg the maximum ordinary dose for schizophrenia. Some patients (exceptionally) take up to 16mg but not being used to 8mg it knocked the crap outta me. And it WAS accidental. Not every day I didn't take it was accidental but no way would I deliberately take too much. I put the pill on the side ready for me to take and thought I'd lost it. In actual fact I'd almost certainly taken it. I feel such an idiot. So that drivel you got earlier is just how I feel on too many pills I'm afraid. Sorry I can't come up with something more positive when I'm in a negative state of mind. I took heroin again today and again it was rubbish. This on borrowed money as the DSS have messed up my claim. They're paying 2 weekly and thoughtfully inormed me of this when I was in a manic psychosis so of course none sank in. I vaguely knew the spacing was changing from weekly to fortnightly; what I didn't grasp was that I'd have to do a week on NOTHING. Thanks so much DSS. You wanna know my change in my medical condition GET FUCKED. I'm not telling them nothing.

If I inform them I'm diagnosed schiz-affective they'll only use it to play mindgames against me. No I do not trust them.

Thank y'all for finding so many links. Michael David Crawford's Living With Schizoaffective Disorder geometricvisions link was particularly good. Like me he tells people he's bipolar. It is easier to understand than schizoaffective wheich means bipolar with sparkly knobs on. Like MDC I hallucinate too much to be bipolar eg when I'm ill (not all the time) one time I bought a cyder and my change jingled "fuck off!" at me. My psychiatrist said that is schizoaffective not bipolar. I didn't bang on about the weirder stuff, more the more ordinary stuff to do with mood swings. Yet still he recognized schizoaffective when he saw it. My coping mechanisms are low for bipolar, which is again schizoaffective. So I accept what is wrong with me.

Seaneen at the secret life of a manic depressive says to me congratulations you're the top rung of the psychiatric ladder. Which means I'm less likely to be deliberately mucked around like a person with anxiety disorder would be, so I'm glad to be taken seriously even if it is in a way I wouldn't like. Seaneen is only joking. She's a brave girl who has had severe bipolar disorder since her teens. If you didn't laugh, as they say, you'd cry. And in most circumstances laughter outdoes tears. She got a big knock back when the Kings College, London nursing course she'd set her heart on turned her down, but like I told her, she's only so upset because she WILL make a difference, WILL put her heart into whatever she does. Just by reading her I can tell she would be a credit to whatever institution, company, team she joined.

Somehow she manages to handle her illness without being childish. I know I am being childish when I mention suicidal ideation and everything being pointless and worthless. That's how I feel, but how can I express it in a grown up way? I have absolutely no idea. Most people don't blog their actual breakdowns the way I did, so maybe it's par for the course. I don't know.

Well I'm here on my own with Michael Jackson singing. I looked EVERYWHERE for some music I could tolerate on repeat play and Michael Jackson was all I could find. Bear in mind I'm talking DVDs not CDs so it must have good videos. A lot of music I like has no videos at all. So Michael Jackson it was, along with Abba (Mama Mia) and Varied Contemporary (Moulin Rouge). HMV seem to have a thing against Madonna. Not one single disc of any description. Madonna's collected videos I would have gone for but they weren't there.

Thanks again for all the links; I'm going to look through them more carefully. No link any of you came up with was one I'd already read and I have googled away. I still don't get what illness I'm meant to have. Is it bipolar plus schizophrenia (the implication is NO). Is it a cross between the two (the implication is yes). In ordinary people's terms I'd say schizoaffectives I've met were the most messed up of all psychiatric patients. They get ultra-floridly psychotic: manic with even more psychosis. In psychiatric terms disorganized or hebephrenic schizophrenia (that strikes in the mid to late teens and strikes HARD) is probably the worst psychosis you can get. Most people's idea of psychotic apperas to be paranoid schizophrenia. You have to bear in mind there's also depressive psychosis, manic psychosis and schizophrenic psychosis as well as paranoid psychosis. Each of these has a very distinctive flavour, which is why I say being in a madhouse is FAR more interesting than being in a drug detox. Heroin/crack addiction bends unique people the same way. While nutters go mad after their own fashion. I mean I went into a space where I was the centre of a tornado universe my head so frazzled I had no English thoughts just Noise. Now I didn't even know it was possible to go mad like that. But I did. That is severe mania. See I learned something from my experience. I hope one day I would be able to help another person. As it is I need help to help myself and I do need it. I'm tired and I don't know what to do. It's confusing being ill and dull being less ill (a psychiatrist would say I was still unwell, I know the way they think now) so I'm stuck between a frying pan and a fire all the time. How the hell I find my way to sanity I've absolutely no idea.

And thanks again DSS for making me have to go begging on the street, something I only did for tube fares, food and drugs when I needed heroin money. Now I need to do it just to survive. So thanks DSS for accepting how fucked up I am on paper then treating me like I'm able to negotiate beaurocracy only someone in a paid job should be expected to deal with. I'm putting this to Deshane on Thursday. This week there is a special nutter club because it's ENDING and I don't want to go. I went last week as a gesture of support more than anything and nearly had a panic attack over it so I just don't know what to do. I'm fed up of forcing myself into things in the name of "being grown up" and just suffering, gaining nothing from it.

I learned from the schizoaffective write up that of the 3 personality types: weird (eccentric); avoidant (anxious) and antisocial (don't-care) I'm the first yeah a weirdo so no wonder I have schizophrenia!

Right I have to go I'm dying for a cigarette. I hope y'all are well and thanks again for the links they were very handy.


PS Didn't someone recommend the film Bucket List to me? I looked and looked but cannot find the comment, but thanks whoever gave it. I've got that already on DVD, I bought it during my manic DVD shopping-spree!

Illustrated: see how tiny my robo-hammies actually were. These are fully grown specimens! They're very flighty and like nothing more than pinging onto the floor and vanishing for days at a time. Itchy (the only one of my 3 who was remotely hand-tame)spent more than a week of her life AWOL on 3 separate occasions, the swine!

Flight of the Blue Tits

DOES ANY OF MY WRITING ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE? Or is it just me reading it back wonky? It seems to be all biddybangingbong: all over the place. I don't judge other people's writing as good or bad; I just read it. Also, my attention span is all over the place. I'm having a bash at reading a fictionalized biog later on; it's in short sections with rotating perspective (ie one person speaks, then another does, so it's easier to stick with). I need to get my attention span back.

And what was I on about earlier? Akh, I was a bit hyper. I was playing the music you see in youtube screens below today's earlier post which brought back memories of love doves and mitsubishi ecstasy. My mood was up so the music took me higher into full-blown "euphoric recall". It was more than the tingly neck you get from dance music once you get into it, it was a reliving of the E-state. I think that's why I'm now called "bipolar".

Akh, how did me and words like bipolar and schizophrenia ever get together? I always knew there was something wrong and that it wasn't plain depression. Those nauseatingly repeated dsm diagnostic criteria that pop up whenever you google "depression" somehow never described me even when I felt hopeless and suicidal. Partly this was depression deluding me, partly it was having got so used to being in a negative mind-state I couldn't see the positive one required to make sense of diagnostic criteria.

I fit the manic ones far more easily than the depressed ones. Ukh. Me? Manic?? A maniac is a crazy person and crazy people are Somebody Else.

I have been trying to read up on my medical condition because apart from knowing what it is I didn't know anything about it. Now I know a little bit about it. The European and American versions of schizoaffective differ. I have the European version that is, in the language of psychiatrists, mood episodes with mood-incongruent psychotic features. I also do have symptoms of schizophrenia but didn't even know it. I never delved into schizophrenia before: you can't know if you've got it. Stuff like obsessive-compulsive or bipolar you could know about because the patterns are really clear. Schizophrenia just feels like extreme dissociation with everything taking huge effort, even simple things. That's schizophrenia. That's why schizophrenics seem lazy, they're actually stressed. It's a big thing to do a little thing. That's why things don't get done. That's why I'm in chaos. Now I get all these people helping me.

Ukh. People helping me. I just want to crawl away and hide.

I want a bird feeder for all these blue tits. I haven't actually seen a blue tit around here. They're so tiny, they're like blue sparrows only slightly smaller (more wren-like) and highly agile. They hang out more at bird-tables and are frequently seen feeding upside down. They form mixed flocks with great tits, according to Wikipedia.

I can't wait for tomorrow because tomorrow I can get some paints. Whether I actually will get them is anyone's guess. Usually I don't do anything I actually plan to. I know I should do it but get lost in the detail. There is too much gory detail in life. There is too much gore. That is why I hate life. That is why I have to win the euromillions lottery. It's £50 million next week. I need enough to get a house with high prison walls to keep the world OUT.

Well I don't feel depressed any more. I felt depressed last night so I took a load of methadone and slept deeply. Then I woke up feeling fine. There are FAR worse things you can get diagnosed with than "elevated mood" (and my mood is elevated far more than it is low) so I'm not complaining. As Serious Illnesses go I think I got just about the best one. I keep hearing about, thinking about, seeing all sorts of physical injury and disease that scares the living shit out of me. Then I'm really glad I don't have to deal with that. I might be thinking that because I'm ill, but at least I am just thinking it not being it. (And I could get lost from here on in, as I get lost in what I think... ukkkk is that why my Dr thinks I'm crazy?)

O I have to go I don't know where I'm going now. Blue tits! There ya go. Left it on a positive note didn't I!!


Illustrated: tiny tits in various positions in British gardens

7:07 Entertainment

WOW IT'S ONLY 7 in the morning. It feels later. I slept for hours and hours because I took a whole load of methadone that was full of sugar (someone else's). It doesn't make me feel stoned at high doses, but it does make me sleep at night (not even during the day though, as heroin would).

Which is the crux of the methadone issue (because it's not like heroin) but Governments love it. (Because it gives outward signs of improvement.) Most addicts aren't willing or ready to improve that much and so methadone therapy is a waste of time. E.g. on the man who was willing to sell me £40 worth! His house is like a crackhouse. That's the place where everyone was rude. Everyone but him. He's OK. Gruff. But OK. Someone once said he was trying to intimidate me, but I don't feel intimidated by people like that. Who express how they are feeling. All they are doing is laying cards you already knew they had on the table. So dealing with them is easier.

Anyway I know a story about this one certain person that makes him out to be a Paper Tiger. I had another friend who was genuinely Hard and they came into conflict...

I don't particularly like the word Hard, when Strong and Tough describes somebody better. There's someone else I know like that and I respect him for it. Then people get to know me and call me "Hard" which annoys me. I also used to get called Cynical when I'm just normal in that respect. So people can be self-centred and nasty and I can see that. Ain't cynical: that's being realistic. It was when a heroin addict was banging on about how you "have to do stuff for your grandkids" and I was like "yeah once you've had a hit first" ~ and we all know that is the reality of heroin addiction. Once you've had your gear you're ready to Engage. Before that, no engagement can or will take place. And what little does comes with a whole slew of resentment. Forcing a heroin addict into meaningful activity before their heroin is like forcing a starving man to work before giving him any food. It won't make him like you.

Last night I put on Meet the Fockers again. My mood had fallen at about 7pm and I was pissed off. No longer manic but depressed. Manic depression. Doncha just hate it! I was particularly offended when my shrinko used those 2 words together in that phrase as if manic and depressed have to be 2 components of the same thing (but they are: I just hate it).

I was also very bothered and pissed off that I have schizophrenia. That is what schizoaffective MEANS. It means bipolar + schizophrenia and I know the schizzy bits in me. They are the bits that don't add up that I couldn't explain to another person. Like rooms in a house divided by bullet proof glass walls. Just because you can see into doesn't mean you're GETTING into or that anything gets out. What comes out is a report of that which is viewed not experienced. The experience takes place in that impregnable fortress of an experience-bubble. One day, to those of you who are interested, I will try and explain what is schizzy in me. Because I do think I grasp it. Just can't do it at 8 o'clock (as it is now) in the morning.

My roses are opening beautifully in their pint glass, especially one. The other has gone limp. I just cut the stem again. Now they look like Little and Large. Tomorrow I'm getting some Art Stuff to make my trotterdonkey Acrylic Paintings for my wall.

So this is now; that is then. I've got to go. Pizza and tea ready.


FRANTIC
i used to go to this club, it was nuts
and this is the sort of music i used to go eeeeeeing to: psychedelic hardhouse



these ones all have that unmixed compilation cd quality. a good dj would flash the next tune over the old one and dijjydit through so you're bouncing on the old one and then the E!-E!-E!-E!-E!-E!-E! energy of the new one takes you flying off....

HARDHOUSE MIX
stonkinstompin
but why the words? hardhouse = no words! CMON!!! i love the choon tho



CLASSIC HARDHOUSE 2 i love this one
what does this say to you, that squeaky word says all different words
squeakymunchtime diginmymind it's like a musical pill-dispenser
this one has words but the words are in the tune not outside of, that's what works better



this is what i've got. i have symptoms of bipolar schizoaffective disorder

Hyper-Real

SCHIZOAFFECTIVE DISORDER. That's me. Differential diagnosis: bipolar disorder. He said: do you open your mail? And looked at me knowingly. Well I would if something was coming from you. So he dictated the mail in front of me. That's how I know the phrase "differential diagnosis" it means if I'm not schiz-bipolar I'm just bipolar.

See I told you I didn't all add up. It explains why I keep wanting to laugh when something is "DEADLY SERIOUS" and why I enjoy walking through graveyards in the dark. Actually it doesn't explain that one. Someone once said that one about Madonna: "she was the sort of person who would take a short-cut through a cemetary at midnight" and I once lived in a house backing on to a cemetary. So I took midnight short cuts all the time. Thinking of Madonna (True Blue baby I love you) some of the time.

Sorry I can't make this more serious it just explains.
Explains.
An awful awful awful lot.



... AND NOW FOR A MUSICAL BREAKDOWN
if this doesn't drive you crackers, nothing will

Moulin Rouge

I WAS ASKING SOMEONE ABOUT A FILM with Kylie Minogue as the Absynthe Fairy, and Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman singing I couldn't for the life of me remember its name. I need films with constant music and this is a good one. I found it for £4 tonight. The idiot self service machine demanded an assistant, as I knew it would, to confirm I'm over 12 years old. And I bought a pile of tex mex pizzas as the other Morrisons have seen fit to clear their frozen pizza shelves empty. I chucked my basket on the frozen peas and stalked out.

I slept all day till 8pm. Got my methadone at 8:30am. Opening time. So I can avoid the world. Now with cherry flavoured alcohol and cigarettes and and ultra thin and crispy mexican pizza in the oven I feel OK.

All this clean shit can go hang. I just don't care any more. More you use, quicker you die. It's all good. Heroin can go take a hike. Crack is as relevant to me as weather patterns on Jupiter. Speed no way. Ecstasy ditto. I don't need uppers. They give a vastly inferior high to my own Natural One (I mean most of these substances last 4 hours maximum full-on, I was high for about four weeks straight on NOTHING, see what I mean?) Some people do use on top of mania but I think they're either truly cracked up or just have a piss-weak version of it. Stephen Fry said cocaine "evened him out" when hypomanic. LIAR! He means it intensified his high and THAT felt even. Uppers are way too jagged for my taste. The only drug that ever did it for me in an anytime anyplace anywhere way was heroin and heroin is unnecessary. From now on I will only consider taking multigram hits. Ie to use heroin as suicide. A Muslim once told me if you do yourself in eg by stabbing yourself, you'll spend eternity in hell stabbing yourself with a knife. I want to spend eternity hitting up the strongest hit of heroin I've ever taken. So I opt for that method. To die on heroin I need a low tolerance. To get a low tolerance I need reducing methadone. I'm already on methadone. So it's all good.

Sorry to post negative things. I'm forever stuck between telling the truth and telling a sanitized acceptable version that's basically a lie. So what you wanna hear?

No I'm not depressed. I'm nothing. I'm psychologically nothing. I'm NORMAL! PERFECT! OK! FINE!

I got a message yesterday about someone who had been through EXACTLY the same shit as me. Mood disorders. Personality Disorders. Strongly implied abused as a kid. I told them I WAS abused but only emotionally and not by my parents but this didn't seem enough. Then I told them some pervert who knew my name (but I didn't know him) said he'd come to pick me up when I was waving a flag at trains to make them go honk-honk from a railway bridge aged 9. But I just said "no that's not me". And I went away. I don't know what he did, because I didn't look. And this is all true. So no hidden trauma. Only trauma I remember.

Nursey only brought this up when dissociation rose it's head. Dissociation is cool it means you wander about and you're not real and/or the world is not real. A prissy weak person would let this bother them. What you do is go as deep into it as you can. It's a free drug after all. So vanish into it and don't come out. Same with mania but not depression. You don't go into depression unless you want it to kill you. The suicide rate in bipolar is 20%; in straight depression 9%. Schizophrenia is about 15%. So don't go into negativity, only positivity. The meaning of life is what life is. So make it meaningless or full of entertainment or both. But don't make it negative or you will die. If you do die bear in mind what that Headfucker said and use a delicious method of death. This is advice to self not you. If you want to kill yourself do yourself a favour. Fuck off and go elsewhere. I'm not into giving suicide tips.

Only thing that does my head in. I can't even say what I mean without the risk of some silly probably young and lost fucker trying to take my ideas which I will never spell out in sufficient detail for anyone else to know the Method and doing Something Stupid. You wanna kill yourself? Ring the Samaritans in the UK, ring the national suicide lines in whatever other place you may be. You're online. Google the numbers.

OK this has burnt itself out I'm going. I feel shit now I was OK before. I have a certain amount of happiness and it just goes, like a butterfly disappearing into the gloom of the evening.


Illustrated: sublime and trash. Says everything

MOULIN ROUGE: ONE DAY I'LL FLY AWAY
if i can find this i'll post it up, but my broadband will jam for the next hour so let's hope it plays
it plays. i like nicole kidman's voice
ONE DAY I'LL FLY AWAY
LEAVE ALL THIS TO YESTERDAY...

Shame

I GOT THREE MORE FILMS for a £10er today. They are to go with my 5 war films. I like to collect books/films/etc that make me look like a divorcing couple. So with Desert Rats, Farewell to Arms etc goes Girl Interrupted, The Queen and Paris je t'aime. I wanted The Queen or Young Victoria. Young Victoria wasn't there so it had to be The Queen for £3, Paris je t'aime is in French with English subtitles. Lazy buggers couldn't be bothered dubbing it into German (don't care about English).

Girl Interrupted is my favourite mental hospital film. Next time I go crazy I am going in the nuthouse. I now despair about my mental health so I'm going in the nuthouse. I don't care about anything any more.

Anyway I watched this one as it's about Borderline Personality disorder, which Angelina Joelie's character DOES have, Winona Ryder's character doesn't. In fact Winona Ryder doesn't have anything conceivably wrong with her. When I was TOLD to look up personality disorders to see which one I had (my family had SUCH a laugh about that one, if I do have a personality disorder it certainly ain't anxious-avoidant or dependent the crap the thinks-too-much nursie posited.

Those are diametrical opposite to me. She was picking up on my general misanthropy, the fact that I liked locking myself away and not engaging with the world and called that anxious-avoidant, NOT LISTENING to me when I hammered the fact at her ~ quite hard enough for even a stupid person to get it ~ that this was a NEW THING. Ie not a personality trait. As for dependent I'm INDEPENDENT.

At heart I don't give a shit for anybody's opinion of me. Of course I like to be thought well of, as does everybody. But I wouldn't exactly be keeping a blog like this if your High Opinion of me was my be all/end all in life, now would I? My blog would be far more "cool" than the neurotic confessional ramblings you get each day. Anyway the only personality disorder I flagged up bam-bam-bam-bam-bam was BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER. Which is kind of invalidated if you have a mood disorder causing these mood swings. I also think the DSM authors' idea of "impulsive" is exceedingly patronizing and judgemental: promiscuity, drug-taking and self harm are acts of desperation; all three become habits. Impulsiveness is surely by its very nature not habitual repeated actions but random actions belying a lack of self control.

Impulsive is being unable to resist stealing. Or licking cream off a cake. Those things are impulsive. Being in desperate pain and trying to salve it ~ that ain't impulsiveness. I also scored high on obsessive-compulsive and schizotypal and schizoid. Obsessive compulsive yeah I am. Schizotypal just means you're eccentric and coin your own words. Schizoid means you don't NEED people to be there, which I don't. I like people, I don't NEED people to validate my existence. If I woke up tomorrow and the entire world was empty ~ just me ~ I wouldn't cry. I'd break into houses and listen to other people's record collections. And I'd steal a boat and ride to Burma, find a China White refinery and get high.

Most true Borderlines are women but I knew a man with this personality disorder. He, like many others, wore it like a Jim'll Fix It Medal (which put me off the idea of psychiatric diagnosis until True Desperation intervened). And he jumped in front of a tube train about a year ago. And caused a hell of a mess in his friends' lives as ANOTHER one killed herself not long after (Perky).

I rang Pinky, Perky's former girlfriend today as I'm filling in a Government Fuck Ups Form for people who are a total mess. This is the Form of Shame and I've filled it in twice and had extra money. But I have to tell them all about what a complete loser I am, which I hate doing. I was too depressed, paranoid and guilty to fill it in before. So I'm doing it again.

I rang Pinky with my answers. Pinky [who has paranoid schizophrenia] says I sound hypomanic. Hypomanic means "mildly manic" (in other words in a perfectly proper and right mental state. Mania is normality. It's normality that has something wrong with it in my view.) Anyway we spent half an hour on the phone and she gave some good pointers but I'm not sure I wish to slant my answers the way she suggests. The ugly truth is brutal enough. The fact that I sleep in a chair or on the floor, that I've set fire to my bed by accident, that I never cook proper food and live on takeaway, that my clothes are covered in cigarette burns, that I sleep every day in the same clothes I spend the day in, that I find it impossible to keep my house clean, even when the landlord is after me.

All this crap has to go down. That's why I call it the Form of Shame. I absolutely hate it. My ambition is to either win big on Euromillions lottery or to write some bestsellers then I answer to no-one and can be as high/low/sideways as I please without having to answer for my mental state to any government doctor. They wanted a diagnosis so I could only write down depression/psychosis/mania/drug addiction. Doesn't it make me sound wonderful. Psychosis does NOT mean being permanently mad. It means having episodes where you're paranoid, hear people talking about you [eg on the bus, where they normally don't], are scared to leave your house, and find public transport a huge challenge, that's psychosis.

The rest of my crap comes under moods. Being a drug addict doesn't figure on this form, in fact I don't think you can claim for drug addiction. My parting shot on this form will say I'm a 38 year old man who wants a normal life. Ha! That won't get to them, but I feel like being expressive. And I MUST fill this in now before my mood drops, as it no doubt will. Because if it does I won't want to be bothered submitting it. I'll feel as I felt before. Guilty, unworthy and fraudulent. Even though I'm telling the truth. Most people lie to that shrink at the druggie service, I'm sure they do. That must be why he looked so taken aback to see me off my tree on "mood disorder" the time before last. He asked whether I was me, which seriously confused me. I thought at one point he believed I was somebody else. Then I thought he believed I was faking.

I know TWO people who fake schizophrenia which makes me too angry for words, considering how desperate I was feeling and NOT GETTING HELP, considering I had suicidal thoughts every day for months on end and NOBODY EVER ASKED HOW I WAS. Considering I was in truly desperate straits at some times and NOBODY EVEN NOTICED. This is the druggie service I'm angry with. I had a mental health nurse as Worker. Apparently I should have gone in all mumsy simpering away about "mental health problems" when my problem was depression with paranoia ~ hardly a recipe for heart-on-sleeve.

This bitch never once asked how I was. It was always drugs drugs drugs with all of them. Recently they've changed their tune now I come in bouncing off the walls on my own energy. All that stuff about mood swings I repeatedly told them about is now seen as True. At last. Now it's got so incredibly bad I fit criteria for a Severe Mood Disorder. I would like to get those two nursies and bang their wooden heads together. Probably they'd make a resonant xylophone noise.

Well I don't know where this rant is going. Yeah I'm hypochondriacking yet again because YET AGAIN I have to Account for my own life in horrible gruesome detail which I absolutely hate doing. So I scribbled it all out in half an hour. Then Pinky told me it was wrong. I have to add this that and t'other. So I will. But I'm very annoyed. The only thing I'm looking forward to is NA at 7:30 tonight. So I'd better go. I just wanna switch off. I've had enough of everything for today. I never slept at ALL last night. My antipsycho pills are disagreeing with me. I'm giving them a break for a few days to see if I can get a bit higher. I wanna get high, man. High on my Higher Power which blazes inside me.

Gotta go, else this will never get down. See y'all later.


GIRL INTERRUPTED: END OF THE WORLD
Anna this is for you:~~~~

Dr Ruth is cracking up

DR RUTH ON CASUALTY ON BBC TV IS CRACKING UP. I saw her last week [last night]. Casualty is Accident and Emergency (ER means Elizabeth Regina, the Queen over here when you're not watching American telly).

She looks like she's having a manic bipolar episode. Into this mingles a girl in an attick. The girl scrapes free onto the roof. Her parents think she can fly. Or she does. She ends up in hospital. Supposed to be schizophrenic. Treated by manic dr Ruth. This was a major headfucker to watch.

Dr Ruth was "hearing voices" but the voices were very vague. Not clear "hello hello hello darlin I've got some lovely peaches down me stall!" not like that ha ha!

Also she does what I do. Reads something, 2 words, zigzags down the page. Gotta get it quick. I got that one the second it happened. A letter. A blank page saying "HELP ME". What she's done is open a letter that says something else. Help and Me are where her eyes fall. So she thinks Schizogirl is asking for help.

Is a bit overhyped enough to think she's a brain surgeon, which she's not. She's an emergency dr. Calms schizogirl down. Tells schizogirl I hear your voices too. The voices are caused by an auditory nerve disturbance I will sort this out with XYand Z. Before we know it, schizogirl is asleep on ketamine (anaesthetic, ketamine is a HUMAN ANAESTHETIC NOT A TRANQUILLIZER FOR HORSES, it could whack a horse out cold if you needed to remove its hoof THAT is what ketamine is for THAT is why I never abused it too much. KETAMINE HAS A VALID MEDICAL USE if you abuse that so badly it doesn't work for you... it could be nasty. Nasty situation where ketamine, used to cut people out of cars etc doesnt work ~ you don't want that).

Meanwhile the Voided ECT mother, reason for parents' refusal of psychiatry, because ECT messed this lady, the mother so badly up. Casualty always involves a lot of interpersonal revelation (more than ER) so the failure of communication in their marriage came up. Sudenly Void Woman isn't a Void and is saying "I never told you because you never asked" and the intricacies of medicating somebody's personality are ins and outed.

Meanwhile Dr Ruth has Ketamine Girl on a slab with head holdy-together metal stuff around it ready for surgery. Senior Doc Doc knocks on door. Verbal fight through locked door. Very senior colleague is taken out of heart surgery to come upstairs and persuade Manic Girl to open the door. She is instantly jumped upon by non-nasty but insistent police which in that state would set you off like nothing else ultra ultra hyper fast confusion high.

What did my head in was watching this and seeing 2 nutters and neither is going fast enough to be vroom-vrooms in the head. Ultra fast whirling cyclone whirlwind centrifuge up into a dimension of pure energy that fast that high why am I so Special?

O I don't know I'm trying to put this in a nutshell. I don't usually watch Casualty i watch Holby City which is set in the same hospital but upstairs and easier to follow that one's on Tuesdays

This is dr Ruth apparently post-suicidal. Never in my life seen this: the only relevant clip of her I can find because she... she's a dr in A&E and I'm me and i don't let Casualty in my house it's boring

OK gotta go. Sleep diary 2130 hrs sleeping pill. Didn't sleep till past midnight 30 distraction ate a pie. Woke up several times in the night my head vo-vo-vo bobibbibingbonganging which I mention to make a point: yeah I can play with anything that happens to me, but this IS me. It's me asleep and awake. I need to remember this for later when I start questioning myself.

O yeah woke up it was dark sometime after 6am got up after half an hour i'm deliberately sleeping as long as i can otherwise i would have got up at 2 or 3. i'm most hyper in the morning, as a very general rule. stress makes me more hyped up into a swoosh swoosh yesterday i couldn't understand what they were saying in that car. Talking about me. Who? My name. Which person? Why me? Are we going to a rave? I said none of this i managed to behave but still said a few things considered rude which to be frank i don't even recall i remember just saying as little as i could unless we were conversing bat and ball really quickly i really liked it when Irish guy next to me said bi-bibb-bibbibop cant rememberwhat or why he was playing i thought yeah cool keeping the vibe alive. it's a real stress trying to behave. i AM responsible I keep my clothes on, i don't hurt anyone, i don't kill myself, i try and be considerate yeah its got this extreme. keys phone. not always money. those are together. she told me a way of keeping myself clean bc other person we know fell apart these methods work. i gotta wash my hair, i gotta wash using a footbowl hot water flannel legs in front of tv for hours easier than shower power hour y'know ok gotta go

11:40 I actually watched that clip. All touching and all that. But what the hell is he doing reading her diary? This is a blog, that is a diary, read someone's personal shit and you get what you deserve. Which is why mine was filled with deliberate lies by the end. I knew who was reading it. Give 'em what they need, the bastards!



10:25 me on tv: i love this this is obviously too QUIET but it's buzzzzzzzzzyy buzzy busy as a bee it's me yumm yumm yummee: have a watch and see:~
THE SOUND NOT THE OLD LADY YOU IDIOT!!

10:43 sorry i'm a bit shouty this morning. i'm seeing a nut dr wednesday. holding out till then. he's like my mind dealer. i have to tell frankness. can't do mindgames. can't do what does he think need want to see believe disbelieve i can only be me me me that's why mental illness isn't illness. not like the people limping you see at Social Security Doctor offices, people pretending to be crazy (looked like he was pretending to be stupid in my view) etc etc there is no need for exaggeration information i tried to tell him when i say a little i mean a little when i say very i mean very i say what i mean what you think i mean otherwise we're on different wavelengths here it's very confusing. i think he's a good doctor. some psychiatrists are shit. now they take me seriously, i can tell. for once in my life. once drugs are out of the way, once i gave clean screens drugs screens once all that heroin was passed i became myself again and i told them every time i try and live without it i fall apart and they think i'm being a neurotic junkie as i say i say what i mean falling apart is falling apart, not being a little bit upset for a couple of days this is what does my head in about doctors assuming i maximise when i can only cope by minimizing, whacking things AWAY, they're not important they don't matter they're not real if they were i would not could not cope thats too much to cope with i can only do one thing at a time i ask him what the thing is then i do it, then he can't say "butyou're not doing it" then i can work myself and change myself i'm not doing counselling i've tried it for years i am pissed off and fed up with that knee jerk idea i already keep a blog which is a photo collection of where i am where i was i am not picking picking picking at scabs, when you have a wound you leave it alone let it heal i'm not into reliving past nastiness that is unhealthy "least said soonest mended" became my motto. not let it all hang out. what hangs out here and now is my own thought pattern, not my life, not the life i don't want to live that's the bad stuff that's what i got taken away from, that's why i call this my Higher Power because it's more Powerful than Heroin and THAT my friends is Power

Schizophrenia

07:07 I HEARD A VOICES SAYING NERVOUS BREAKDOWN AND SCHIZOPHRENIA. They ruined last night.

Schizophrenia Screening Quiz
Please note, this quiz has limited validity.
Please interpret the below results cautiously.


You scored a total of 34
You scored a total of 86

Based upon your responses to this schizophrenia screening measure, you appear to have some early signs commonly associated with schizophrenia or a schizophrenia-related disorder. Your responses are similar to others who experience early symptoms of schizophrenia or a schizophrenia-related disorder. Because no online test is 100% accurate, please be aware that this does not necessarily mean you do have schizophrenia, only that this particular quiz found sufficient evidence to suggest that you may.

You should not take this as a diagnosis of any sort, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek further verification and to see if you qualify for a schizophrenia or schizophrenia-related diagnosis from a trained mental health professional as soon as possible in order to rule out a possible schizophrenia or psychotic disorder.

The most common schizophrenia disorders diagnosed are: Schizophrenia, Schizoaffective Disorder, and Schizophreniform Disorder.

Yeah I did a quiz twice before and after writing most of this. I can, especially now, only answer re a viewpoint of mine in a split second in time. Thinking of every possible permutation of what everything means/might mean/represents to me/others/you/some person future/my own future self i cannot do it does my head in. this is the fly-eye vision i have, to which that voice last night was obliquely referring. doesn't schiz mean a split-up mind? if it does and my own split-up-ness concurr then i spose i'm schiz, but only a dr can diagnose that.

last time i saw a shrink, bear in mind i thought i was normal, maybe a bit hyper. now i look back and see i was full-on +3 manic on my own rating scale (with +4 as psychotic manic). I was paranoid enough to be close to assaulting one perticular individual on the bus-ride there, for insulting me twice using exactly the same wording, but I wasn't floridly psychotic... anyway part of what I ranted at him went along the lines of "ha! you can't diagnose me manic because I have to be excited for a whole week and it's only been 5 days..." i carefully looked back and it was 8 to 9 days up, counting first instance of hearing voices as the start. definitely. which puts me into that dreadful DSM diagnostic trap. not to mention my own behaviour. it was in THAT context that i was asked "what do you know about schizophrenia". despite my paranoia centred upon this dr last night, believing he was out to get me, i do trust him more than any psychiatrist i've ever had. he's head and shoulders better. i'm usually a good-to-superb judge of character (though i don't claim infallibility, like everyone i've made dreadful mistakes, and also let WANTING something be override what i actually saw and really in my heart knew, if only id listened...) anyway his question made me ponder the matter far more than was comfortable. i wasn't allowed to google, read or look up anything until the fearsomely intense symptoms receded, and i felt more together, which took perhaps a month from that appointment, even though the "mania" or "mixed affective episode" only lasted maybe 10 days, 2 weeks tops before re-transforming into my characteristic depression... anyway i did eventually have a very quick look through the diagnostic criteria for schizophrenia which I had seen and remembered as wide open. that's because schizophrenia is diagnosed in the ABSENCE of prominent mood symptoms ie you think bipolar and depression first, schizophrenia and related illnesses second.

theoretically ANY symptom of schizophrenia can appear in bipolar. I've gone beyond the possibility that what's wrong with me is called "Depression with psychotic features", even mood-incongruent ones (which I have). Depression never feels good. What I have can feel fantastic. It can be terrifying. It can be very upsetting. It can hurt me a lot. It can do all those things and it can make me feel very blank. Last time I was really ill I remember feeling strongly that I didn't exist. The world was real; I was not. That's because I no longer WAS who I'd been I really was all bashed up!

The features schizophrenia has that are NOT usually in mania especially are socalled negative or deficit features. That is, disorders of volition. I very often feel like I'm shouting at somebody behind bullet proof glass. Someone who just won't listen to me, despite the urgency of action required. I'm reminded of the time I was threatened with homelessness. Instead of panicking I instantly went unreal. Moved my stuff to a friend's house rather than engaging with the local council (my landlord). And only actually made it down the council at 4pm, despite the situation. Where I remember the lady talking to me as if I was six. Saying loudly that I "looked a bit confused". Confused? You can say that again. It's these things, and my inability to do stuff or TOTAL UTTER LAZINESS whatever you want to call it. Eg I should have gone laundrette yesterday I just could not do it. I should clean my house I cannot face it. Whether high or low, which runs totally contrary to mania as traditionally envisaged, where people are ultra-involved. I'm involved/disinvolved in everything in every way. I'm a person of opposites, always have been.

no i don't feel people understand me at all. those test-writers really put their finger on it with that one. i feel especially misunderstood at na because they're looking at me through junkie-goggles. i don't FEEL like a junkie i'm fighting something way more formidable than drug addiction ever was; i can feel it; i can tell. It knocks me sideways, it upsets me, it rips into my life in a way not even drugs could do. and it makes me more unstable than i ever was on drugs. i barely think about heroin at all. that is the truth. i'm not craving. every often i semi-automatically want to go score: i need only remember i don't want to do it to squash that one. I won't harp on about na negatives as it's a positive place but i do wonder what they'd think of me if I snapped I HEARD VOICES TALKING TO AND ABOUT ME ALL THE WAY HERE. what they hear is "i'm an anxious/depressed junkie and think i'm ok bc i'm raging one minute, smiling the next yet can't focus on anything at all for any time which they think is drugs. drugs focused me in a way more, not less. every single one i can think of gave me a sense of inner peace, weather it was an upper or downer (not psychedelics though, apart from e which is semi-psychedelic, more transcendent than truly psychedelic...)
and no i don't think i'm "suffering more" than another addict.
i know i'm SUFFERING LESS that is the very point!!
i got what Sid gets from Ibogaine, which costs over £1000 a pop, FOR FREE. And it worked for me. Whatever bad it did, it distracted me from an addiction that nothing could break. Certainly not piss-weak methadone against industrial-steel heroin. As Mother Hubbs used to say, 60mg methadone is equivalent to a £10 bag as was, pre-drought. Meaning you need 120mg to equate a £20 a day habit IV. This is somebody who is a bit discriminating in who they score off. Neither one of us would EVER ring someone we don't want to just to keep a connexion open. I never did that. I scored off the same person for weeks on end as long as they were serving up and still had the good stuff. If it went bad they'd not hear from me until i got a promise all was OK. Heroin is Food of the Gods and anybody who dares sell rubbish is commiting a Crime Against Junkiedom ~ a highly serious matter!
Wow I feel a whole lot more together than I did last night. I need sleep now; it's 20 to 8 and I'm exhausted.

And yet again I've strayed into territory that makes me highly uncomfortable online. Because this really is very personal. I am not comfortable talking online about being near- mentally raped. I'm ashamed to talk about cracking up. I'm embarrassed to have been so very frank. I feel idiotic to have repeated myself so many times, though I only do this so somebody finding one single post by a google search can comprehend it without reading multiple days in both directions... I feel wide open, exposed, when I want to curl up and hide. I feel very hurt and very upset. Among many other things I feel these and if I dwell on them I really will get extremely upset so I'm derailing that train into a chinchilla did you know the fat furries need a marble in summer? Not a little rock-ball or glass ball. A stone chopping board you store in the freezer to take out in high summer for them to lie on, as their heavily furred mountain mars-bunnies. Sorry if that sounds irrelelvant but I can't think about THAT any more.

One last thing: when I talk about "not allowed" it's ME not allowing myself. I do have iron will you know. It is this will pushing me into territory I'm frankly miserable blogging about but I've gone this far, why not totally humiliate myself, y'know..? Iron will and lack of volition can go together. I never expected to find pictures illustrating what I feel you don't understand but here they are. Those images are what I feel, what I try to tell you, what I don't feel you see, but I feel. That.

(Especially picture one, the top one. That's exactly what I am. (But that colour lippie doesn't suit me))

I wish I could find a rave track to perk things up. I could do with some "euphoric recall"..! And I'm posting this NOW with no glancing-over. Else it won't get done, I'll be too self-conscious to do it so here goes...###!

No I don't "think" I've got schizophrenia. I don't "think" any one thing. I think lots of things and know nothing! I'm well aware that drugs drugs drugs have done me no good at all for a long long time, but I'm come to a point where I have to help myself and I don't know how. That's the point!!

09:57 That Jeremy Kyle is on. Always makes someone else's problem his own. But not in an Oprah-like way. (I say this for folks in foreign lands obviously. We're all sick of yet addicted to the bastard.) Like a rude, intrusive diametrical opposite of Oprah.

Just met 2 guys from NA in a van I was off me head. Shambling along the street. One said "when you've dropped the drugs..." which made me laugh my head off. Couldn't stop smiling anyway. Nothing wrong with being happy. Doesn't mean I'm on drugs. Means I'm on the magical powers of Walking Somewhere. And just happy. Woo

LEFTFIELD: (thanks Lizzie) Not Forgotten

NA Again

THIS MORNING I heard the landlord's man saying "I'm outside the house" through my open window, then I heard him a few hours later on the phone talking about having moved my bed. I heard him. I'm questioning whether he was real now. Because just before I went to this meeting I heard several voices amongst random teasipping flowershop driving a car and buttering toast type things a woman said in one ear "nervous breakdown" then a male voice speeded up said a few minutes later in the other "schizophrenia" and this put me on a real downer. Usually I don't let them get to me but tonight they did. And now they know because if they can't read my mind, they can read my blog.

All the way there people were talking about me or I felt they were or saying weird things really wierd things like conversation at a rave club chillout room at 5am everybody drugged talking at rather than 2 and me saying nothing it fracturing in.
The meeting was OK I calmed down a lot in there. People talk about serenity well I did find a bit at least. But as I think I said in version 2 below as soon as I went to the loo the literal madness came back and was back all the way home and is still with me now at varying degrees at varying times but always still here. I feel like a starburst, a kaleidoscope, not a whole person not broken but funkily rearranged in a weird way I cannot say why or how or wherefore I can describe as best I can what follows is a deliberate speed of consciousness. Stream (steam train) of consciousness. And here we go:~

A letter to self. To future self. if I ever ever have a self back again this is for me, not for you but for me. I wasn't sure who it was to now I know...

22:51 18 Jan 2011 after NA
DUDE dude methadone disabled disability. Church. Satnus. The dmmmf kept going all the way there. That is the way my mind is going. No laundrette. Cleanest clothes I could muster. V bad paranoid mood everybody talking shit on bus all the way there. A rattle-voiced old man saying "hallelujah!" and "have a nice day" I don't know if he was trips and dripping on peaches or not. Then two crack dealers discussing my habit at the back and a kid at the front who sounded like a rave sample. These people were there. I saw them. But the voices in/from/around my head I didn't see but they followed me into the meeting where I eventually found some peace but was hearing them again the minute I was in the toilet which was like Aladdins Cave. I keep getting told to keep coming back. I complained about being judged for being on drugs when I'm not on drugs. What has made my brain go kaleidoscopic? All nuts all these ways every which way and all at once surrounded by itself in pieces like that kaleidoscopic. I'm not editing my grammar you wanna know how I think how I am this is it. Hey McDonalds very fucking rude dismissive but had to serve me woman did me x2 double cheeseburgers for about £2.80. Aren't they $1 each in the USA? Ripoffsville Britain how typical $2=£1.20 not £2.80!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am fed up tired and happy and want to laugh and everything all at the same time dude my computer dude dude. Why do people say dood. Wow. That's what I'm wondering. Christmas Carol Vorderman McGiffin. Akkh so that's it it it o fuck it this is an essay in selfwanderingness shall I post it and go or not go i will timestamp it and save for later. Not in mood to be judged yet again.

Illustrated: was looking for "henchman" as in my landlord's henchman. That word appears in Snow White so I googled Snow White Henchman and found gnomes like Itchy, Bashful, Spherical my robo-hammies (in name). Ha not so crazy now am I. I am quite sane... oh I don't know what is happening to me does anybody know?? Be honest I'm not taking drugs why does it go then come again then??

OK Voices I admit it you won tonight. You set me off on one. You won. Tonight.
That battle is won. The war ain't over.

PS 23:26 I read the top part 2 back methadone disability. Is that what's causing all of this? Methadone? Wouldn't surprise me at all. That a drug given by you know who is sending me mad. So what do I do?? Stop taking it? Take what? Cold turkey really sends me round the twist my family have seen me go and that was very mild compared to recently. Can't they give me something else? Or are they going to start playing mindgames? And where does the mindgame end and All Else begin? Biggest Question. And is this better than normality as I previously knew it I'm not sure. I'm not sure where I'm going. The TV looks amazing it's cartooning in the snow, no aerial but moving images in snow sometimes they look amazing. So am I tripping then? On what precisely??
[the sound is there, the visual channel half there through snow, it's enhanced in the most amazing way...]
Please somebody if you have one give a sensible answer.

23:44 just remembered supposed to rate mood? was it. that scale doesn't fit i was very para and then angry and then relaxed but trippy and now uptight and not feeling good but tired will try and sleep early exhausted don't feel i'm getting better though i feel it's getting worse hence need to scrap old scale and invent a new one that gives more separate biorhythms/mindrhythms

Drink: 3 cans so far but not into finishing can 4 (barely started) each is half litre 7.5% alcohol

PRAGA KHAN: INJECTED WITH A POISON
There's a rainbow inside your mind... injected with a poison: we don't need that any more
Sums up what my attitude to heroin used to be; is again



03:37 I had forgotten how hyped-up that tune sounded. Don't wanna sleep anymore. It will only bring me down. I wanna wake up buzzing like I did the other day, buzzing and rushing on free natural neurotransmitter ecstasy

06:00 eh! now look what I found. i clicked trish li going cuckoo, she's so funny she makes me laugh. what i didn't put is that she and i act a little bit the same. when i had hamsters i talked to them sometimes the way she's talking to her surroundings. i continued talking when they were dead, because the words were stuck in my head. yeah i have mental health problems. anyway: this vid shows another woman who is also manic but presents very differently. to me, she's acting way more like someone on uppers. more composed. speaking very fast. they call her grandiose but she's not that grandiose at all. thinks she has lots of money but there's none of the raging ego i've seen in the mental hospital in two particular patients of four i engaged with (one was very paranoid, the other very hyper and euphoric ~ these two patients i'm thinking of were boorishly boringly egocentric. the sort of person you don't really find interesting after a while, they're so arrogant, so into bigging themself up, though i liked one for the rest of his personality... point being notice how less fidgety and hypekinetic this black woman is than trisch. to me that is the difference between uppers and natural hyper. though the drug is called "speed" the natural version is way way faster and way more powerful. the euphoria of the drug can be intense and the drugged mood is more stable than the natural high, which switches in me into irritation very easily, not to mention paranoia; it also fluctuates during the day by a factor of up to ten... and as i said before ~ moving around, walking when i have to go somewhere, that really brings me up nicely. sitting in a chair doing nothing, i actually start coming down slightly... i can feel a high off caffeine that would make it illegal if you normally got it. alcohol can take some of the jittery edge off and further intensify a high into something really really nice, but you don't need a lot of drink to do it, just a single can or so. o yeah and ive had 5 cans today. so my drinking has gone up. and no i don't know what is causing mine. those 2 ladies are called manic, i don't know what i am, i just feel high and low and paranoia and tripping at different times, sometimes all together. what is that???

Today, this afternoon, here just me ha ha hee hee

AKH i couldn't sleep last night!! up till well past 6. i slept from sometime around 7 till a couple of mins past 1pm. Carol McGiffin was on Loose Women. Loose Women is like that American tellyprog where Whoopi Goldberg comes on and talks, it's supposed to be like that but less substantial (unusually: transatlantic thihgs often go the opposite way round as y'all might have noticed). yeah i woke up with my head buzzing music words yeah yeah ha ha from the second i woke up this means i am hyper ane enjoying it. if the methadone chemist dare gives a "you're on crack look" I will yell I'M NOT SLEEPING I'M ON NOTHING. i actually forgot to go to bed last night. well not that i usually need to remember. within 24 minus however many hours i sleep, give or take 2 or 3 i'm out for the count. this time it took a good 26+ hours to go, i had pictures behind my eyes that were really cool, like when you're heavily stoned on cannabis or mildly stoned (in my case) (what does happen to other people? i've no idea really............) {not the ultra-bright imagery i mentioned before, more vivid hypnogogia the second eyes are closed in full consciousness}
yeah yeah what gotta go fucking chemist not in mood for that little escapade being judged YET AGAIN. all that could ice my present cake is the landlord if he really wants to be yelled at i'm in the mood to GO. do you know i have never actually lamped someone my entire life, apart from very childish behaviour in primary school. never actually got into a fight because in my ordinary state i would never rise to one. i think you're giving somebody one over you if you let them get to you. you shouldn't hang your feellings on someone else, ESPECIALLY in a relationship. listen to amy winehouse's lyrics. that girl has a lot of growing up to do, or did when she last put out some music.

i think that one's messed up a possible international career for good. she'll always have a career in britain because once you make it here and are able to connect to your audience you always will have a career. it's much easier to be a star here than the usa, just read a few biogs if you don't believe me. i used to love life stories of famous, or more to the point high-accomplishing people because i took inspiration from them. this was before the current trend for giant-print (ie hardly any content) written in 2-weeks, never even met a friend of the person just collated press clippings and got £20 grand or so for a book on somebody like KERRY CATONA. i of all people shouldn't label anybody else a train-wreck but i do look at her sometimes and think bloody hell WHAT is she doing? supposedly bipolar though i've never seen it. you wanna see bipolar, look at frank bruno on This Morning ~ really entertaining slightly inappropriate wording. it's his overall demeanour that's manic he was so funny. he always has been funny. frank bruno is a boxer. i once won £10 by betting tyson would knock him out in round 3. never made money on a dog. can do boxing and horses. horses i pick like a girl, by the name and the odds. if 3 horses in one race are at 3 to 1 there's little point putting money on a 6 to 1. i bet at about 6 to one when that's the 3rd or 4th horse down in level of odds. really even odds mean there's little point betting on another horse. i've won a few times on horses. dogs i do not understand. hamster betting i might be good at.

talking bipolar i just remembered the biggest load of cowshit i have ever seen. mike tyson and his ex wife robin something on tv with him obviously chemical-coshed and her ruling over him with the word "bipolar" as the stick to beat him. i'm not posting the youtube you go find it yourself if you want it, but that is bullshit when i see it.

what am i fucking talking about/?? well nothing doing so far except me swaying in the chair feeling nice nice way nicer than yesterday night i really felt awful bordering on desperate yesterday evening

drinking: i had 4 cans and i just deleted a load of expletives as i don't want to aleinate anybody by being my idiot self yes 4 cans is DOUBLE the day before big fucking wow

today so far, 1 can. o hang on was it 5 yesterday...? I don't think so i am pretty sure it was 4. mood yesterday bottomed out -3 for a good 6 hours rest of the time at night weirdly sistant mild euphoria mingled with urge to cry that's all i can say on that score i'm supposed to rate myself not by the plus minus scheme i invented but a more biorhythmic one where sleep, appetite, euphoria/dysphoria, mental energy, physical energy etc are rated separately that's because they don't always go up and down in sync hence the weirder symptoms when it stops being just a bit whacky and is mentally ill with a nasty sounding label. well i fried my brains on acid didn't i so what can i expect

anna grace WILL YOU POST SOMETHING ON YOUR BLOG. NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW do it NOW SAY IT NOW DO IT NOW DO IT DO IT DO IT ANNA LISTEN TO ME OBEY ME DO AS I SAY

this isn't the clip i meant this is far more recent with holly willoghby presenting. she looks really good in a dress, like my ex did, turn sideways there's a hip-to-thigh shiny S. when i put on the dress it nearly burst at the shoulders and was empty where it looks sexy on her yeah bc i wear women's clothing so very frequently along with decleor fuckit i don't even know what the shit is called

going to see my friend, my old friend rebsie who i met, weirdly when on the pipe but not on the pipe end of last year we have in common a not bothering with gear despite her 35 year habit my 10 year habit and i love her, even though i fucked her off for about 5 years which isn't personal it's me drifting away or her drifting away if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my freinds friendship lasts for ever, friendship never ends.... i texted her an hour ago im going down there later on



Illustrated: Bruno/Tyson fight; Carol McGiffin (Rebsie my friend looks like and is like her sister); Kerry Katona; Holly Willoughby in a dress

Online NA meetings UK: Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday 19:30 hrs local time. That is 2:30pm Eastern; 11:30am Pacific; 20:30 Central Europe; 06:30 Australia. If you're reading this long after it was posted bear in mind time differences alter in summer

Still on drugs. And ashamed.

I SCORED HEROIN YET AGAIN THIS EVENING. I wasn't intending to do it. But I did. I used. I bumped into a posh boy who grew up with every advantage in life. Privately educated. The whole shebang. He should be married by now with a trophy wife, lovely posh kids who call her Mammar and him Pappar. A job in the city (if he feels the need for a job). His wife would probably be in PR, events planning (setting up stuff like Cartier Polo) or jewellery design. I believe (or suspect) that his family have cut him off. Smart move on somebody who grew up totally dependent on the family's money and status. No wonder he's in and out of prison. Thievery is the only way he knows how to make ends meet with a raving heroin and crack habit.

He scored me a lovely £20 bag of gear. Nothing is as it was before the extreme heroin drought that thwarted supplies, reduced purity to a minuscule fraction of what it had previously been, and left multiple thousands of addicts in constant withdrawal sickness. Even now in the new year things are a mere shadow of their former selves. I used to fix up a £20 bag (0.4, 0.5g) in two or three hits. In my recent binge I've done it in one. I seriously doubt the situation will ever go back to how it was pre-drought, not for many, many months indeed.

I can't believe I've let this relapse go on and on for as long as it has done. I'm beginning to feel desperate. When I did give up heroin I was lucky. I had a psychotic episode that threw me so far off centre that gear was the last thing on my mind.

So I'm now musing on whether or not I ought to score cannabis and smoke it heavily. Cannabis makes me psychotic. My last highly "enjoyable" (not!) experience involved heavy paranoia and voices from the sky yelling down at me. I don't want paranoid psychosis, but if it stops me being a heroin addict, it's surely worthwhile. And the druggieclinic don't mind anyone smoking "dope" as it's naïvely labelled here. (Doesn't "dope" mean "heroin" in the USA? The Americans have the right idea, as in most things.)

David Chaytor, Member of Parliament is being severely punished for swizzling Us the People of fraudulent expenses claims to the tune of over £20,000, that's more than $30,000.
He will be punished in prison for a mere nine months of his poxy 18-month sentence before the idiotic justice system lets him out on licence. Unfortunately because he's not in Malaysia or Singapore he won't be whipped on the bare buttocks until they explode and blood pools round his feet. You can see the photographs here. I'm hoping the one featuring quasi-medical treatment involves rubbing sharp rock salt crystals into the rapist's broken bum. A more severe whipping ought to have been imposed on that MP. That would make those bastards think again before claiming OUR money for duck pond islands, moat cleaning and castillation repairs on their castles. Whipping should be brought back for housebreaking (definitely ~ domestic burglars are the lowest form of scumbags and I'd be well up for rubbing rocksalt into THEIR wounds), muggers, loan sharks, cannabis dealers and most especially corrupt policemen. The ones who spray CS gas into "suspects'" eyes at point blank range. The ones who perjure themselves in court. The ones who beat up "suspects" in the cells. These should be whipped without mercy.

If you want to watch a celebratory 20-cut spanking on a Malaysian rapist, click here. Be warned there is blood. But who cares what happens to a sex offender? The only disappointing thing is he doesn't scream enough.

When I was about nine years old some pleasant young man tried to pick me up from our local railway station. This bastard KNEW MY NAME. Despite the fact that I'd never knowingly set eyes on this character in my entire life, he KNEW MY NAME and insisted he was here to pick me up, and I was to come with him.

I wasn't at the main part of the station, I was on the footbridge, where I waved a 1977 Silver Jubilee Union Flag at the express trains as they trundled past. This made them honk-honk! To my juvenile mind this made it all worthwhile.

Of course when he said are you Gledwood? I'm here to collect you I said, "No that's not me," and this threw him. The fact that we were on the bridge made things, to my present recollection dodgier still. Less chance of genuine mistaken identity. More chance of a pervert willfully picking me up for God knows what. I wish he had got caught and spanked.

In my view paedophiles ought to be shot by firing squad. And none of this pussyminded crap about loading only one gun. Every single gun but one should be fully stocked with bullets. And I'm talking machine guns here. No crappo rifles. Death should be swift and merciful. Put the bastards out of their misery. I feel sorry for them. Remember I'm a drug addict. I know how it feels to have an addiction disapproved of by society. So kill the bastards. If the death penalty seems too harsh, institute a voluntary one. How many prisoners attempt suicide? Many, many thousands. All they need do is get them to fill out a little pink form, then within five minutes the firing squad is assembled and BANG! The bastard is dead!

I don't know what to do about this ongoing addiction of mine. Should I take up cannabis? Surely it's better to be crazy than addicted to heroin. Committing suicide is immoral so I can't do that. That's why I believe drug addicts should get the voluntary firing squad too. I'd have signed up for that years ago.

Happy new year everyone. The bastard from the council had the cheek to inform me my living conditions are of a reprehensibly low standard. Well he can go piss himself. It's my life. If I want to sleep in a nest of quilts like a tubby grizzly, that's what I shall do. He should FCK OFF and be soundly spanked. Or better still hanged.

How do I give up this terrible habit? I purchased some diazepam blues (Valium 10mg). They make me feel rubbery and nice. But nothing makes me feel nice enough. Is it really wrong to want to die? I never asked to live. Now people want to convince me that it's my duty to suffer. Why should this be so...?

I'm putting down my name for the Hospice Work I was talking about. It might take some time to get through the process of Reference Approval. I have no references, but the Druggie Agency ought to provide some. They are there, after all, to set druggie idiots back on the straight and narrow.

So wish me luck, please, and if you've any ideas, please pass them on. Click on "Answers" below ....

JOKE!

What do people call it when you talk to God?
Prayer.
What do people call it when God talks to you?
Psychosis.
What do you call somebody who thinks he IS God?
A psychiatrist.


HM Prison "Service" website. (A "service" most "service users" could well do without!)

Spanking in Singapore, Malaysia and Brunei

Illustrated: evil cannabis spliff; idiotic cannabis man; rapist's bum after 20 strokes of the cane; another criminal's bum after a good whipping ~ this is what they should have done to those corrupt MPs; Her Majesty's Prison Wormwood Scrubs where £20,000 fraudster MP will be punished but unfortunately not soundly caned.

Medicinal Heroin Binge

TO ANYONE WHO PERUSED my last-but-one post, "in answer to some comments" I'd first like to point out my rantings were not a personal attack on any friends or commenters. Not a direct attack; not a sideways swipe. Passive aggression (where you express anger obliquely, then deny you're doing it) is not my style. If I have a problem with someone I tell that person ~ it's the only way of doing it. Some of your comments did touch a raw nerve and that is what I was responding to. The fact that I'm me... not me... who am I?

The crux problem I had with heroin was that, apart from killing my pain, it held me very much together as a person. On gear I felt whole. The way other people seemingly feel.

Without gear I am Consciousness Aware of Passing Impressions. I'm expected to behave like and vouch for being "Somebody" but I do not feel like somebody. I feel many things at many times. I don't add them up. Somebody else might try to. Sometimes I have to account for whoever that person supposedly was, what happened to them. That's when it gets confusing. You see that's outward pressure to account for myself, to explain the inexplicable. It causes untold stress.

People seem to read into my words what they perhaps might feel had the words been their own. You need to be careful of doing this. Oftentimes I am comfortably numb. I never needed heroin to induce this and that puzzles me.

What heroin did do was give a certain confidence and a togetherness I had never in my adult life. That's why gear was so addictive. Whenever I tried to give it up, I (unwittingly) gave up my whole life also.

Far from over-analysing or ponderously dwelling on the issue of my life and feelings and future (the way many have assumed I do, probably due to my question-answering style)~ I realized in rehab that I actually hadn't the faintest clue what on EARTH I was going to do afterwards.

I was jumping blindfold into icewater! No wonder I ran out the door within half a week both times ~ despite immense preparation in the form of regimented drug-reduction, especially the second time. Despite what I'd assumed was motivation enough, I simply was not ready. Not the way I needed to be. I just did not know what I was doing.

You might also bear in mind that when I write, I use a naturally analytical style. This doesn't mean that I spend hours pondering myself in this way too!

People sometimes assume that because I write a certain way I must inevitably spend hours picking over my life in this manner too. That simply is not true. If I say I feel lost, I'm expressing a feeling. I don't wander about telling myself "I'm lost I'm lost I'm lost". I only say "I'm lost" when I talk to you.

At the extremes of experience I've found myself thinking far too quickly to ponder anything much. (That "breakdown" not long ago was like a tornado. Some of you read my words and appeared to assume I was more grounded than I really was. I was whirling a good one hundred times faster than usual ~ literally! It felt fantastic! But is not too conducive to self-examination.)

At the other extreme I slowed down and barely thought at all. My writing style cannot not reflect my minute by minute thinking style, unless I was willing to post near-blank pages or ones full of badddadah-dah-DING! Which is what my mind started doing when I was a little over-"manic". Perhaps that's my problem: if anything I ought to engage my brain MORE, not less!

On Sunday afternoon when I was tripping (on nothing; I've not taken psychedelic drugs in about a decade) and the Scouse of the South came blaring out a broken intercom I finally got fed up of people thinking I had DTs or needed Lithium. I popped some Librium which didn't really do much. My so-called Friend put pressure on me to find heroin. This was impossible, I said: it would be tiny, weak, money down the drain. He didn't care. Eventually to great irritation, which spilled into a dur euphoria (because I'm me and I am dur) heroin arrived. I took heroin. It was rubbish. I scored more that night and that was OK. Then I scored again and again and so I've done a lovely heroin binge.

And do you know what? The voices that were chattering away at night have vanished. (So much for drug-induced psychosis. If you wanna use the dreaded psycho-word this is a drug-REMOVED phenomenon. So the psychiatric industry can shove that in their crack-pipes and smoke it! Suddenly I feel put together and sturdy and strong again. All the reasons I got into gear to start with are revalidated.

Mental health nurses at the clinic will limply coo "ooo you're self-medicating" ~ yet they NEVER offer any alternative course of treatment or action. When I got into telling something particularly involved they crossed legs, leaned forward with a look in their eyes as if something really good was playing out on television. That's all I ever was to those people. Free entertainment.

Though I am supremely annoyed at this "Friend" for pushing me in that direction and will lance hi with expressions like "No ******g respect for MY feelings or MY sobriety," next time we meet, I am not "going back on gear" for anybody's sake. I took what was left tonight. I made sure I used it all. When it's gone ~ that's it.

I got a fantastic practical boost from heroin: it put me together enough to clean and tidy my living space back to the bounds of normality. Without it one disparate aspect of me nags "You've got to clear up" yet the other is not listening. I went on nagging myself this way for days, weeks, months with little-to-no avail. I could tell Mental Health Staff and this would provoke loads of engaged scribbling. With no benefit whatsoever to me. I don't care any more about my convoluted notes. I want RESULTS. Doesn't it come to something when only heroin will fix me?

Yes I could have not taken it. And I'd still be in a mess. I wouldn't have slept (I didn't sleep before). Less than a third as much would have been done (that's what happened last time). And my fractured less-than-self would watch caring-uncaring. Who cares anyhow? All I need do is get this task done. It's done enough now that I never need repeat that pharmaceutical relapse. I'm not offering an excuse for having used. I'm merely telling how using helped me. I only took heroin at all because it helped me a lot.

I was no longer crying. On heroin I was a whole person.

I'm willing to fracture up again, that's the inevitable result of pulling the plug on diamorphine. Please don't assume I'm telling you I suffer horribly. I feel nasty when I'm depressed, that much is true. But did you know, when I'm severely depressed it actually feels, in a paradoxical way, not as bad as moderate depression? Moderate depression, to me, involves constant impulses to suicide. In severe depression the suicidal idea is gone because there is no Life. Life is finished. I'm Finished. It's all over. "Rock Bottom" ~ if you want to use that phrase (personally I detest it). In this state I never even saw myself as depressed until afterwards. To me, I was in spiritual crisis. I'm no longer scared of going there because there are plus-points. While desire has gone, so has any sense of life. So I no longer desired to use. At long last I was free. The blackest stormclouds have a silvery lining. There's something to be gained from everything everything. Severe depression freed me from the constant craving to use ~ and for that I shall for ever be grateful.

Which is why I'm not scared. My life is a journey and I'm not even half done. This I am well aware of.

Just because my life is coloured in different hues to yours doesn't make me ill. I know that doctors could well see some of my experience as a mental sickness, but you need to throw out of your mind the idea that I suffer more than anyone else. I really don't think this is necessarily true. As mentioned earlier, I believe some of what's uniquely me is just a nonstandard coping mechanism. I don't walk about telling myself I'm ill. I only feel ill inasmuch as stuff has needed doing for a long long while, yet hasn't been done. No matter how hard I've tried to engage I've so far failed. The room-cleaning was a big one. If I can get this done, I'll be OK. A pigfull of meat shall slither off my shoulders. Then some other person can bring home the bacon.

You see it's not "feelings" that bother me, it's DOING. There's so very much I need to DO DO DO! Time is running out.

So that's my new question: how do I engage a disengaged person without using heroin in the process...? Surely there's some magical method? Some shortcut. Some effective way?

I very much appreciate the Answers I got back on Happiness. Thanks to Akelamalu and others, I made a decision to take a volunteer position at a Hospice. I have never in my life set foot in a hospice, but I believe passionately in what these organizations do. When people are terminally ill there comes a time when Doctors ought to just leave well alone. Stop their needlesticking, blood-letting, scanning, operating, endless interfering. Stop the painful tests, painful chemo, burning radiotherapy. Stop tormenting the dying and leave them in peace ~ dosed up on painkillers, tranquillized and happy as the chemicals can make them. I'd want this for myself. I'd want it for my friends. I'd want it for my loved ones.

I always donate to the hospice charity first when I'm giving away clothes etc (I find vast amounts of clothing on the street that doesn't fit me, so it's always trotting into that shop). I'd love to see how a hospice is actually run. Surely it's a privilege to spend the last days and hours with people who are dying. There's nothing maudlin or morbid in this. To be able to bring comfort ~ or even joy ~ to anybody's final moments would be a great honour.

So these are my feelings on feeling and not feeling, and on gear. As I said, yesterday's post was not a personal attack on anybody who commented, it was merely inspired by your remarks, so please, Syd and others don't be offended. No offence was ever intended.


PEACE, LOVE AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!

LINKS: HEROIN AND METHADONE AS ANTIPSYCHOTICS AND MOOD STABILIZERS

1: Methadone reduces the need for antipsychotic and antimanic agents in heroin addicts hospitalized for manic and/or acute psychotic episodes

2: Use of methadone in the treatment of psychotic patients with heroin dependence (abstract)

3: Heroin and psychosis (antipsychotic effects)

4: Heroin improves negative symptoms of schizophrenia

5: Methadone as a mood stabilizer in bipolar disorder

6: High dose methadone as antidepressant and anti-anxiety agent

7: Heroin reduces auditory hallucinations/80mg methadone prescribed as sole antipsychotic


GOOD NEWS: MELODY LEE IS BACK!
If you don't know Melody, she's one of the best junkie-bloggers out there. So read her stuff!

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COLDPLAY: FIX YOU
This video and the Madonna Hung Up Video both seem to have been filmed in the same place the Warp Club happened ~ inside the most enormous railway arch club, just round from the London Dungeon and London Bridge Station ...

This is for Anna Grace especially ...