Now I'm upset because I was only trying to say how I feel. Yet how I feel is unacceptable.
What can I do?Baino who is one of my very best and most supportive friends online said to me something to do with not believing my experience is real and she's put me into confusion. Finally I am telling the doctors the truth instead of some sanitized version that goes "I become slightly depressed"; I'm telling them what really happens and this is complicated and embarrassing enough without people messing with my head telling me I'm lying or I'm not real. Whatever it is it feels like an accusation. All I have ever tried to do is report accurately however much it shames me however much of an idiot I know I will look I just put it down. Baino is only trying to be helpful. From where I'm sitting she tells me "don't disappear up your own arse; it's just mild drug switchover that everyone goes through".
If I thought this was right I could accept it but none of the professionals I work with takes this view. The psychiatrist is being cagey by not diagnosing. It's unprofessional to give a name to an inherently unreal condition within 6 months of clear cut
My totem animals are the Syrian hammy, which will beat the shit out of any critter or person who dares mess with it. And the tigress. I relate to the tigress better than the tiger; tigresses are fiercer and have pet baby tigers to play with. Can you imagine going to bed with six baby tigers all purring and being furry? That's why I want to be a tigress. Because of the baby furry entertainers.
I'm sorry I upset y'all I didn't mean to I only was trying to report how I feel. This doesn't upset me. Problem is, none of the professionals I "work" with have ever expressed this view. To them I am cuckoo. To me I am fantastic and unreal. Far superior to most of you. Effortlessly when I'm hyper and high I feel natural. When I'm low I don't feel clinically depressed, which is where this "personality disorders" idea came from. I'm fed up with it all.
Yes I took heroin. To be frank I didn't care about my life or my future any more, which is blurry to me. I just cannot think straight.
Sorry I have to go I keep falling asleep with fingers on the L or D key and I'm not posting the rubbish I put up 2 nights ago. That was purely to make a point.I hope this isn't too much of a mess and makes my point. I don't have a problem with anyone I'm confused by my friends, my good friends who I know are genuinely trying to help me and in my heart this makes me sad because I know I can't understand and you're not helping me the way your words should help.
How on earth will I ever deal with these skyscraper-high issues? I honestly don't know.
Now I'll have to leave it there, else this shall never get posted. Sorry again for the mess. Much love to everyone. Baino please forgive me for bringing you up so many times. I know you are only saying what many people probably think and I'm just really upset because I can't do it. Whatever it is I'm meant to do I can't do it. Am I ill? should I lie in bed then? What should I do?And how can I ever cope without heroin. I cannot handle feeling as bad as I do. I feel too bad for words. I won't use melodramatic language, but I don't feel good at all now. What is happening to me.
Take care everybody. Thank you for all your support. I appreciate it more than you will ever know, even though we end up at cross-purposes so many times. Please don't give up on me.
Illustrated: a beautifully kept room is a sign of a well-kept mind; my totem animal having a furry nap; the naughty stuff, trademarked by Bayer Pharmaceuticals in the late 19th century...
Some music
