Chez Valium Marilyn

WE DID some shit where she was turning her house over TV burglar stylee trying to find this post office card for her and temazepam for me. At first I thought she was shamming the temazepam one but she did come up with a whole load of empty temazepam 20 strips which we had to check carefully in case she'd done a me and left one in there, but nothing

why the hell did I think I needed temazepam? I don't NEED to sleep. That's a human weakness, sleep. The more you sleep the lower you get. Also sleep repairs the body so the less you sleep the quicker you die and turn into a Proper Human Being ie an energy discarnate being. Which is what I want to be anyway I hate having a body. Why do you think I liked ketamine so much? Puts you out of body (out of mind for that matter) best drug ever for those interested in hanging off the edge of the universe not even knowing you are "a person" with "a name" and "a life"... it feels awful weird when you come back and realize you're you and who you are. That's the ketamine trip: WAY superior to acid where you have to deal with a million and one buzz killers like people you don't want to deal with, keys, money, going home etc. On ketamine you're lying on the floor in the dark in the recovery position and whether anybody else is there or not is immaterial as you're tripping right into outer space alone. FAR FAR FAR better than LSD ever could be.

How did I get on to ketamine? O yeah because it makes you forget your name which I do when I'm out of it. Or did last week the week before when people were talking about me and I kept going "who?" they were in the front seat I was in the back thankfully I kept my big mouth shut and didn't say "who?!" aloud. Or "are we going to a rave?" which i kept thinking all the time as I felt like I was off my tits on E. Hadn't taken anything, just a yummy manic thing going on as it is now.

Well I told Mar how to get her replacement PO card, complete with phone number 08457 22 33 44 wow I actually remember something. My mind has become dangerously seive-like lately I barely seem to recall anything of any technical nature at all. E.g. what people's names are. I don't know why as it's not like I'm senile is it. Or drunk. Or on drugs. Or in drug withdrawal. Just to spell it out to anyone STILL convinced I'm on drugs. I'M NOT ON DRUGS I only take methadone (prescribed) and the odd sleeper (not always prescribed). And no I don't take 8 at once at 3 in the afternoon. That's Valium Marilyn's style, not mine. And she complains that benzos make her depressed. No wonder. A benzo "high" is you FIGHTING AGAINST the effects of these fuckers which push you down, so you're struggling against them, otherwise you'd conk out unconscious. Not much of a high is it?

She gave me a whole load of food and £1.30 which is enough for the cherry flavour mandy cyder I drink now: 4.5% alcohol in half litre tins. It has to be flavoured like soft drinks to destroy the alcohol association otherwise it's going to be harder to stop altogether. Plus you can water flavoured stuff up with more soft drinks which is what I'll have to do in the very end.

I hope she does actually sort her card out. She thinks someone else has it complete with pin number and is terrified this bastard will take out all her money at 00:30 hours when it clears. (I know the exact time because I used to call my dealer at 00:31!)

I was on such a buzz when I left all the good things are happening now. Things sound weird, I have 2 voices in my head both me speaking out of sync, Valium Marilyn was talking in my head all the way down the road. My mood is peaking and my head racing like the clappers. This means I'm in a REALLY good mood now. No wonder I couldn't sleep. My crappy body might have wanted to but my mind needs no sleep whatsoever.

Walking home felt so good. Now I've drunk that cherry rubbish and it's brought me down. Alcohol is a depressant as they lie. Yes it is associated with depression but heroin is a CNS depressant too and that's ANTIdepressant in its action. The misery of heroin addiction might be exacerbated by heroin's mood-flattening effects too. I never felt much of a buzz off life when I was on heroin until the later years when I suddenly realized a few times that I was buzzing so much (on a coke-type high and this after I'd not had crack) I couldn't stop talking rubbish to my hamsters. I know I must have been buzzing now, because I kept talking to them when they were dead. Not that I thought they were alive, I mean the crap I used to say to them about being "furry and small" and "really tiny" with "poppy eyes" etc etc etc was totally ingrained in my head and I just wanted to say furry furry furry furry furry furry furry actually "furry swine" was my favourite one then I said that in German and it apparently means "furry bastard" and nearly caused an International Incident on my Deutscher Blog.

Well I can't explain my cuckoo clock life. I'm just really glad to be like this it's SO FAR BETTER than boring old normality I just cannot explain. Why do you think I keep saying I don't want to sleep? Because it will depress me and I've been depressed for years (so hopefully I'll be high for years now to make up for it!) and because a psychiatrist's idea of normality appears to be lying miserable in a bath of cold water feeling like shit but judged to be OK because you can still blink and breathe. It was psychiatrists who said methadone was a suitable treatment for heroin addiction so I don't trust them at all. Giving methadone to a heroin addict is like convincing a normal human being to take those science fiction food pills they always thought we'd pop in the 21st century. One tablet a day fulfills all your nutritional and calorific requirements. Tastes of nothing and leaves a growlingly empty stomach but you're not lacking energy. Well that's what methadone is to heroin. A very poor substitute. And the reason why we have such full prisons. Even the addicts think it "should" work and they "should" do better, not realizing they're treating an addiction to substance A with substance B and oral methadone has nothing to do with "NHS" and everything to do with puritanical governments who think addicts deserve misery. No other condition, medical or psychiatric is treated with one drug only (when literally any of scores of opiates or opioids could be used in substitution.) Imagine you're freezing cold and someone says to you here I've a raincoat it's 100% waterproof, try this. And it's paper thin. And you say "but it's not raining, it's freezing cold" and true you are slightly less exposed but it's nothing on the floor length fur jobbie you're used to. So they say OK try another layer and you're double waterproofed but it rides up at the sleeves and leaves your legs exposed. But it's a coat. And a fur coat is a coat. But they're not the same. Neither are heroin and methadone. It's unacceptable to be miserable and craving on a treatment that supposedly cures drug addiction. (Methadone has a success rate of 4% frankly I think that's an exaggeration I cannot believe it's that high. I've never known a single person I know stick to methadone without constantly using on top and I've never even heard of anyone I know reducing off it to nothing and staying off drugs. Ever.) They used to give out injectable methadone which would at least leave you miserable with needle marks and given you the buzz of injecting something. But injectable methadone is many times more dangerous than diamorphine so why not give the real thing? See: an utterly fucked up policy. I don't want injectable diamorphine for myself, but everyone else needs that or pharmaceutical smoking base or morphine tablets (which will make you feel like you've had heroin without the initial buzz of taking it) these 3 will do what electric cigarettes, patches and nicotine gum do for smokers. Replaces something tarry and dirty with the pure stuff. As it is, they're replacing a Rolls Royce with a rusty bicycle and wondering why people just will not ride in the rain.

REALITY CHECK: GIVE ADDICTS HEROIN.

OK I'm off. Sorry not to tell you anything gynacological. If you want to talk about any shit you like, just leave a comment. I'm open to anything today.

I don't know what this says by the way. Just ignore it if it's rubbish. If I edit I'll never post anything at all.