I love a Pakistani

I HAVE SWITCHED OVER MY FAVOURITE FOOD from Chinese to Pakistani. I'm on chicken saag masala and pilau rice tonight and chicken tikka pilau now. Like I say I sept a long time in th night. I don't know why except that it's supposed to be wrong to do such a thing. So I'm hiding indoors. Michael Jackson is singing to me off a siver disc.

I know I shouldn't talk about suicidal ideation when I have it. I don't mean to upset anyone. I don't care whether I irritate anyone. If yoou want me to xxxx you I'll do that for you. I have a wound up feeling so I really should xxxxxx xxxxxxx. I know it's offensive to say that but I should. I can't believe I have to sensor mysef but I do I have to have to xxxx mysef. That's how I feel. Have to xxxx xxxxxx.

Yes I am not happy. I am deeply unhappy so I have ot be proactive not reactive. That means taking action preemptigvely not beinga pussy and caving in or doing what someone else wants.

I know a blog is supposed to be full of bullshit to make people read it but I don't know what bullshit to put in it. There are no bullshit and my hamsters are dead. I still have their bodeis there in Mother Hubbs's garden but I can dig them up for you/

O rea;;u ;ole Omdoam fppd tjat#s wjat O a eatomg tpdau/

[I'm sorry: no glasses and poor concentration let that through; it wasn't deliberate whackiness. My fingers were on the wrong home keys it means I reaally like Indian food that's what I am eating today]

Whatever else that's just bullshit.

*******

SORRY i'VE LOST MY GLASSES BC I WAS MENTALLY ILL HENCE THE GOBBLEDYGOOK IN THE LAST SENTENCE ITS NOT DEIBERATE YOU CAN WORK IT OUT BY TAPPING OUT THE SAME WITH FINGERS ONE KEY ALONG ...

£9.30 takeaway

Tonight I had balti chicken with nan bread, yogurt dips and a green salad for the princely sum of £9.30. Well it's not going on heroin, I reasoned. Heroin is a thing of the past, yet again. I can't believe I ever went back to it. And with that friend who tempted me I am highly annoyed. I have had enough of people. People bring nothing but confusion. They mess up my existence. No thanks.

I felt so stupid wielding that needle around hands and feet and legs. Over the time I'd stopped I'd grown totally unfamiliar with the process of banging up the Z-grade narcotics found on Britain's streets.

I wasted more than £80 chasing a high from rubbish that was never going to do anything for me. £80, £90... nearly £100. The binge went on for four days. I call it a binge because compared to not using at all for weeks on end, that's what it was. A huge waste of time and money. I only had the money because I'd NOT been blowing it all on piss-weak "heroin". And what did heroin ever do for me anyhow?

Nothing. It only ever was a massive waste of time.

True, very briefly the drug put me back together again at a time when I felt I needed to be together, to function, to get things done.

But the upshot of heroin use after years is the very opposite effect: protracted apathy, low-grade misery. A wasted life. I never really needed heroin then. I certainly don't need it now.