Very very tired

IT'S PAST 8 O'CLOCK and I still haven't slept. I went in the other room, forgot to go to bed, went for a walk. Got no energy from walking. I've put myself on a real downer by posting that stuff you can see below. I hate thinking about that b-----r crap. I don't think about it except when I write about it or get angry with my dr for not giving out answers. Usually I just think about how amazing it is to be me. And I potter about endlessly not actually doing anything but feeling really good doing it.

Tell me if I'm doing this wrong but isn't it normal to fall asleep in a chair, pick yourself up going "oh I gotta go to bed" go to bed, asleep straight away, no problems. That's how it used to be. That's what it's like on zopiclone. Except when I was very hyper I took it around ten, slept around midnight to 2:30, got up at 2:30 and the day began from there and it felt fantastic. Two and a half hours' sleep is the perfect balance, if you can do it. I don't think I can survive on that little now. I just feel absolutely exhausted and gritty and tired and run down and yawning and yet I still will not sleep and I'm scared of going to bed because I know I won't sleep. If you ever need to "try" and sleep you should not be in bed you should be up doing stuff. That is sleep hygeine. No bed unless sleeping or shagging. That is all a bed is for. Lying in bed without sleeping you only do if you have a broken bone or some other incapacitation.

O I've got to go I'm just too knackered. I will try and get two hours but I don't want to sleep any more than that anyhow it means I'm down and I don't want to go down I want to go up higher and higher until I don't exist any more.

Last time I got really really high I stood on top of the cyclone and felt REALLY powerful. The cyclone is my whirling tornado brain with all those clangs cling clang clonging ting tang tong ong ong ping pong bongs it does which are a lot of fun.

It doesn't really do that now so I'm OK manic-shamanic-wise. It started doing it last night but I was walking down the street and that always makes my head fast.

O I've got to sleep. I bet I will sleep 8 hours.

I have to go I am too exhausted for words.

Me-Shaped Hole

I HAD a £1 Chinese chicken and noodles from Iceland. Boil int' bag. Hubble-bubbled away for 40 mins. Considering even a lunchtime combination box, a cheapie, is £3 minimum, for £1 this was amazing.

I checked out my nearest bookshop and found a glaring me-shaped hole where my books should be. Books plural, because I have a wealth of ideas.

Yes the project is moving at last! Like a creaky old goods train, it has shuddered to a start. The hoary old locomotive is belching diesel smoke and trundling wearily onwards ~ bringing cartloads of entertainment to the world!

Sorry I've not been visiting any of you very much at all. Nothing personal. But I must focus. I'm still not feeling too fantastic. My energy reserves are low and must be wisely invested. Talent ~ as I was banging on the other day ~ is not to be wasted!

Got to run. I hope you're all keeping well. Take care of yourselves. Just for a change, I'm trying to take care of me!

Who knows? One day this Me-Shaped Hole might be overflowing with amazing tales!

Ach!

HOW TYPICAL of me to put my foot in it. (Again.) I thought I was simply quoting the German National Anthem. Little did I know that in modern times only stanza three is sung. You can read more about the Deutschlandlied here. I didn't realize my posts might have been offensive (because I posted it up in German too!!) so I altered their titles to Deutschland über England.

News? No news. Unconscious practically all day with sheer exhaustion.

And the weather is sweltering hot ~ still.

Found a brilliant book about the origins of German words and expressions in German. So I'm (slowly) reading that.

Now I've got to run. It's 01:37am! Night night all. Or good afternoon if you're in Australia.

OK just a very quick post ~ and no little birdies either!
I've spent most of today asleep with the usual exhaustion.
I was asked whether I think it's just a question of lost sleep catch-up or whether I feel ill. Really, I feel ill. It doesn't feel right.
I get the patronizing response from druggieservice and healthcare professionals that this is some kind of inertia manifesting (ie "if you don't use it you lose it" and I'm tired bc I never do anything) ~ well how do they know?
As I said, I'm just as likely to sleep in a public place as at home. I only get to a public place by exerting myself. It makes no difference how much "effort" I put into life. Whatever I do, I end up paying the for it. My body goes "no. Too much!"
There's no great mystery to all this. I'll tell you what it is. It's depression with chronic fatigue syndrome/CFS traces on top. Plus of course opiates prescribed and otherwise only exaggerate things... So that's what it is and I'm not too worried about it. If I had a fatal illness, I would have died years ago.
Wherever you are, I hope your weekends were more restorative!

No German today. I'm too erschöpft. If you are reading this somewhere German-speaking these are the keywords/Schlüsselwörter: to patronize sb jdm gönnerhaft behandeln; druggieservice (mein eigene umg) die Drogensuchtklinik; inertia Trägheit; to exert oneself sich anstrengen; effort die Mühe; CFS=chronisches Erschöpfungssyndrom; traces die Spur; to exaggerate übertreiben; fatal lebensgefährlich; restorative stärkend