Very very tired

IT'S PAST 8 O'CLOCK and I still haven't slept. I went in the other room, forgot to go to bed, went for a walk. Got no energy from walking. I've put myself on a real downer by posting that stuff you can see below. I hate thinking about that b-----r crap. I don't think about it except when I write about it or get angry with my dr for not giving out answers. Usually I just think about how amazing it is to be me. And I potter about endlessly not actually doing anything but feeling really good doing it.

Tell me if I'm doing this wrong but isn't it normal to fall asleep in a chair, pick yourself up going "oh I gotta go to bed" go to bed, asleep straight away, no problems. That's how it used to be. That's what it's like on zopiclone. Except when I was very hyper I took it around ten, slept around midnight to 2:30, got up at 2:30 and the day began from there and it felt fantastic. Two and a half hours' sleep is the perfect balance, if you can do it. I don't think I can survive on that little now. I just feel absolutely exhausted and gritty and tired and run down and yawning and yet I still will not sleep and I'm scared of going to bed because I know I won't sleep. If you ever need to "try" and sleep you should not be in bed you should be up doing stuff. That is sleep hygeine. No bed unless sleeping or shagging. That is all a bed is for. Lying in bed without sleeping you only do if you have a broken bone or some other incapacitation.

O I've got to go I'm just too knackered. I will try and get two hours but I don't want to sleep any more than that anyhow it means I'm down and I don't want to go down I want to go up higher and higher until I don't exist any more.

Last time I got really really high I stood on top of the cyclone and felt REALLY powerful. The cyclone is my whirling tornado brain with all those clangs cling clang clonging ting tang tong ong ong ping pong bongs it does which are a lot of fun.

It doesn't really do that now so I'm OK manic-shamanic-wise. It started doing it last night but I was walking down the street and that always makes my head fast.

O I've got to sleep. I bet I will sleep 8 hours.

I have to go I am too exhausted for words.