ACTUALLY I despair most of all of any medical professional (with few exceptions) ever listening to me..!I feel ill all the time. I am exhausted. I am not sleeping properly. The psychiatric nurse I've been seeing an hour a week says I'm depressed.
I feel bloody terrible. And desperate. Especially after what has happened to me when I've tried antidepressants in the past ~ namely three different eventualities:
1. side-effects but no antidepression
2. (ONCE ~ in about 7 or 8 different drugs) ~ the proper antidepressant effect works and I feel much better
or ~ most usually
3. severe psychiatric side-effects kick in, including agitation and insomnia. I cannot keep still and annoy everyone. I become euphoric and a bit "manic", as if I'm turning from a depressive into a manic-depressive... ~ and last time I went crashing down worse than I'd ever been depressed to start with. I was having hallucinations ~ which I thought were alcoholic DTs. I was physically shaky and people thought I was drunk (but I wasn't). I didn't even realize the pills were doing this, but put it in terms of a moral and spiritual crisis, the "rock bottom" all junkies have to hit before they can clean up. I was so low I didn't even want to take heroin any more, and trust me, I have to be very low indeed to feel that way...
I saw my smiley Nigerian Dr Chumbawumba this morning to tell her all this and that the council have demanded a letter explaining how/why/whatever I got into such a mess. She is the one who, when told I was a chronic heroin addict simply said to me "why don't you just stop taking that stuff"? Dur. Today she declared my antidepressant dramas are only a normal experience when you take such pills. She said tell the nurse and psychiatrist at your druggieservice to write it for you. So that is what I'll do. I have very low hopes of all this getting sorted. Why won't she just parrot the nurse's "to whom it may concern" letter I gave to her? That's all they're asking. Ho-hum.At least the paperwork the council asked for is all in place and ready to be delivered at my next appointment.
Apart from that, though, I really don't know what to do. I feel I'm barely coping at all.
TALKING ABOUT that Mystery of the Universe known as Happiness, hava peruse of Ms Hen's post today on the subject... now here's a woman who understands the keys to Reality. I dare you to click on my Deer Hunter Music (Saturday) and read her blog with that playing beautifully in the background...
