Calm 1729

1729 hours precisely. And it and I am both calm at the same time.

I was goinggoingoingoingoing going GOING! until just ONE single minute ago. Now I feel calm, like ADHD on speed, like a kid on speedweed peed haha.

Yeah man I know I know I still GO-GO.

I've got to go outside. I don't want to. But it's not safe here, somebody is going to take me away because I phoned someone. NO! Not the police. Not an ambulance. No no no. I'm staying here until I break into so many smithereens I'm not left to retrieve how long will that be ja think?? I don't know go go go. Go outside. I have to go outside.

I'm off. It's not safe in here. Somebody will take me away. I'm losing everything anyway. Might as well ************** ************** ************ [I had to delete something i cant say everything i think or you'll think the worst] it wasn't suicide i was talking about it was something else

am i really so inconsiderate? I try to be considerate at a good rate 8.

o man man manananana

i keep losing money losing thingsi have lost itititi it lost it.

i have lost it

i can concentrate but it is so very hard it's easier to imagine i'm dictating very slowly then i can put down every word in one bit piece

in one bit

there is nothing wrong with me

i feel absolutely clear headed

and clear

and shiny

and OK.

And NOT stoned, as ... I'm not.

this is so confusing, but i have to go outside because it's not safe i'm leaving the lights on


do you think that happened so intense because of half a cup of coffee? I suddenly dropped 2 stages low in one second and felt it, then i went higher without knowing it, then i decided to get in touch to find out my appointment time but i don't trust them at all

so i have to go outside. anyway before now when i can at least think english even with difficulty i lost it so much i was just thinking noise then i tried to speak french in my head and got voulez vous coucher avec moi and je prendrai l'eurostar a paris i don't know why my head really went went ent broke up very upupupupupUP UP UP i don't feel up i feel sideways i have to calm down and stay up how do you do that?

somebody made me laugh, saying "prostitute" i thought that is a good one

only sensible person in a brothel is the one leaving with more money they came in with in my book

and keeping their clothes ON. you can do that by owning a brothel. or doing whiplash come to think of it i knew people into that its for bored middleaged losers sorry but ... well that was them, this is now. she was going to be a domino

a pizza
with leeza
pleasa please pretty pretty please pleas

i have to go whhy am i posting myself when i dont' exist i dont geddit im losing everything anywaynothing is important to me that is self reliance rely on nothing and no-one that is how you do it

cant rely on myself i cant even keep money keys self in same place i'm going out and hiding i don't trustustustusut i don't trust anyone these days

i don't care any more who gives a shit about what i put itittttt itt itt itt itt tit tittt titter bitter litter embitter embalm calm CALM see you can find peace eventually. unless it's just peas spelt wrong. y'see?