I'M HAVING AN EXTREMEMLY LAZY DAY TODAY... even lazier than usual, so that's extreme! I could barely be bothered to take the cap off my methadone just now. Cooked food. Didn't want to bother fishing it out. Lazy lazy lazy.
Hey I slept 8 or 9 hours last night, so that's good (is it good?) I'm listening to Papua New Guinea below, wow. I like all the cool fresh air in the video. Switzerland! That's where the air is truly "Alpine".Do you know I thought back to my old dealer, from a few years ago when gear prices were low (£13,000 a kg supposedly; last year it was £20,000 at the beginning; £40,000 at the end ~ hence this "drought". And I'm using figures from BBC News.
So it just goes to show we all knew what was behind this Heroin Drought, a price hike due to lower availability.
Heroin takes at least a year to get from Afghanistan to London. I got that direct from the horse's mouth (so to speak) ~ Rebsie my friend used to serve up in the 80s and early 90s. She picked up from the Turks, who knew very well what was going on. She hasn't sold heroin in years (it's mostly black kids nowadays).
... anyway I thought back to my old dealer and actually wanted to score. I thought Gledwood how can you be this indulgent. Heroin is evil! Actually at the time I thought it would be quite nice. And what I really thought was "but I don't do gear any more". Much easier to think that way. "Just for today" and all that.
People sometimes describe heroin as like a lover, like a relationship, which in a way it is. But I never felt lost without any of my exes. To me it's more like being a small child. Being without heroin is like losing your Mummy. They often say the feeling of smack is "amniotic". A peaceful state, like before birth. No worries in the world.
And you wonder why heroin addicts can be a bit immature!
NA like to say or imply that you cannot grow at all emotionally when you're addicted to drugs. I don't think this is true. It's a partial truth. You grow less. And where does "drugs" stop at? Cigarette addiction?
I don't agree with everything NA say. That no addict can resist any drug is patently nonsense. If I found a strip of LSD I could resist it quite easily! Yes I like acid imagery, yes I have acid-memories. Yes I also DO NOT WANT IT EVER AGAIN.
None of the drugs I used to take at some time are temptations to me. Ecstasy I had 5.5 of when I got chucked out of my old house. I was ragingly addicted to heroin and didn't WANT to do E on the street! Or in my old room, which was like a full-on opium den by the end. So no I do not automatically want to take any intoxicating substance, and resent the idea being slipped into my head that this is what I would do if I relapsed.
Also the idea that if you take one sleeper you might as well go back to gear and crack because you've relapsed, I do not endorse. I'm speaking of a specific person I knew who did just that. He felt by taking one zopiclone (of all things!) he had lost all the years of sobriety he had built up. For this reason I'm not into day-counting. Just for today, yes. Counting days: No Way!
I still go back to NA, because as I said yesterday they do what they do and what they do keeps them clean. You don't chuck out a baby with the bathwater.
So these are my feelings on NA.
I will keep coming back because I want what they have. They have a Serenity I don't. They also have Recovery which means steering away from drugs and becoming a rounded person again. [On heroin I was a mere shadow of who I could be; I see that now.]
Here's the Narcotics Anonymous Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the Courage to change the things I can ~~
and the Wisdom to know the difference.
Thanks Jess for reminding me.
I miss the serenity prayer when I bolt out to avoid the Group Hug (then I come back in).
Anna Grace I'm sending the story Mid-Pacific Serenity to you. I'm sending it to you because it's about Hawaii and it's about drugs and it's about somebody who one day realizes: "It's over, you never have to use again." It also contains the immortal line: "Skid row is in the mind." You don't need to have used Everest-sized amounts or sunk lower than anybody else ever has to want to sort yourself out. You can drop drugs "Just for today" and try it from there and see
the link should take you directly there, but if it doesn't:~~~~~~~
look on page 128, it's the second full-length story (ie the 3rd article down) under Beginnings
THE ORB: LITTLE FLUFFY CLOUDS (DANNY TENGALIA MIX)
some beautiful scenery in this ...
FUTURE SOUND OF LONON: PAPUA NEW GUINEA
Lizzy I found the video!
i like the style of psychedelic montage here
cool, fesh air, reminds me of Switzerland, where I wanna live (one day)
on the back of that i found...
MICROSOFT'S VISION OF THE FUTURE!
