THESE ARE SOME COMMENTS I got at my Gun to My Head post:
Syd said ...
If you know that you are lost and messed up, why not make a decision to be found and not messed up. If detoxing makes you hyper and pace, then detox while picking up the place and pacing back and forth with the bags of garbage and such. There is a solution Gleds. Look for the solution and not at the problems and why you can't do this or that. I agree with you that trying is BS. Taking good positive action with bettering your life would help you and help us who care about you.29 December 2010 00:45
BeenThere said...
Syd hit the nail on the head. What you look at is what you'll see and what you look for is what you'll find. If you develop your many positive, innocent interests, and start viewing yourself as an instrument (for better or worse) you'll begin doing better. No one blames a hammer for breaking a window. Allow positive influences to motivate you.
We can all feel bad about stuff, or miserable with the state we're in - but it's all relative.
You've got in your states through not coping for various reasons. Every individual gets where they are through not coping in the way others think they should. We all get labelled. People deal with their lot in different ways. Bad mothers and fathers are just as human as kids who suffered because of them. They were also kids once.Past sh*t is just that and should be flushed away. Keep stirring it up with a stick and it will continue to be a stink in your nostrils.
Too much time spent in self-analysis is wasteful, especially when your life is stagnant through drug addiction. Live a little and analyze new material. Delving into your sickness of mind is also a waste of time by now.Concentrating so much on that makes you sicker. Instead, wonder at how well your mind functions in so many ways, in spite of all the abuse you've thrown at it.
Perception of good and evil can be triggered by electrodes as well as by chemical abuse, as can various moods from joy to despair, from blind terror to uncontrollable mirth - none of which are "real".
When you dwell on the effects that chemicals or sadness have on your state of mind, you cause them to become a "reality" for you, but it is just your own perception.
You can change the way your brain is wired, takes about 3 months to a year - it has been scientifically proven. Bad tempered individuals have been able to train their behaviour in a way that re-wires the connections in their brain. It required effort, and they got headaches, but it worked.
You can develop a "can do" attitude to replace the "disabled" one which is not a true reflection of who you are, but who you have become. You are in control. Not the past, not the way you are or were wired, not alcohol,not heroin or any other drugs, and not your "loving mother" or any other people. You are not disabled in mind or body.You have family who love you. You are so lucky with so much to fight for.
30 December 2010 16:57
Anonymous said...
what about a normal picture of yourself?
31 December 2010 04:02
Gledwood said...
Syd: I did make a decision to be found and not messed up. HEROIN did that perfectly for me. Without heroin I hear fracture up, hear voices, dissociate and am prone to uncannily powerful (and not so powerful) mood swings. It's absolutely impossible to "Decide" not to be that way. That's WHO I AM. Come on Sid! I'm not saying that's a bad way to be. It's far better than being "normal". But not conducive to engaging with this world that is too shitty to bother with anyway. Ie I have an alternative coping mechanism that is FAR SUPERIOR to drugs, as it's cheaper, inherent to me and nobody can ever take it away
BeenThere: I'm not disabled. Only conventional thinking says that. I'm fine. The world is disabled. Their idea of reality is lying in a cold bath freezing feeling suicidal. I'd rather be who I am then who THEY think I should be any day. So that IS WHO I AM.
Anon: those pictures aren't me. I never have and never will post up a picture of me. If I did I'd close my blog and stop posting
3 January 2011 18:26
I think people are reading more into what I said than I actually did. Surely there is nothing unusual in having a more rational part of your mind who guides your person, divorced from your actual self who is what that person is...
I am quite happy in my own fractured way. Heroin was the best drug I ever found to hold my various aspects together. Still they did not make sense one to another. They barely communicated and why should they?
All the past week the experience I had when I "went crazy" came back at a lower grade. Every night and sometimes in the day I have been hearing voices. Hearing voices is good. Being lost and fragmented is a good thing. It means I am disengaged from the chilly misery of concenus reality. Being lost is good, because it means I am lost from what you might call reality, I call suffering.
I only think there is something wrong, not because I feel "bad" but because I know that by not engaging the supposedly responsible side of me is doing nothing. Hence the mess I live in.
Yes sometimes I do feel bad, that's a kind of depression. Sometimes I feel good. Sometimes extremely good. I don't care whether I'm hallucinating or not. Hallucinations put you in touch with the greater reality. If you're not hallucinating you're a poorer soul than me. You are utterly stuck in the mundane half-life people call Living a Life. When you're stressed I bet you feel bad. When I feel stressed, I often feel euphoric.
Where does this idea come from that to feel lost I must inevitably spend hours and hours dwelling on past events and misery? Did I ever tell anybody I did that? If you heard that, you weren't hearing what I say. When I say "I had depression since childhood" I'm stating a fact. I'm not delving into that depression, or whatever reasons might or might not be behind it. I'm giving a pure statement of fact. I barely EVER consider my childhood. I tell you I had depression since then as I don't flatter myself that every single reader of my blog should peruse every single post I've ever written and arrange them into a scheme. A lot of my writing is shortcuts for the new, the forgetful or those with attention spans such as mine: ie poor ones. Please read what I put, not what YOU might mean if YOU put it.
As I said before I barely indulge in self-analysis, except when, for example, constructing a timeline that explains the inexplicable. I have had to do this to be able to tell psychiatrists what happened and when. So very many times I've oversimplified only to be written off. Their how long probably means "when were the first signs and when did it taper away" ~ my how long means "what was the very peak of an experience". Two very different time frames. Only recently did I realize the confusion this has caused. Not that those headshrinkers give a flying turd what happened or when but I owe myself to answer accurately.
It's not natural to live in the plasticated world we live in. If I'm coping better with it than you, you want to ask yourself WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???!
NOW LET'S LEAVE IT AT THAT!!
I want my house clean because it will get my pettyminded landlord and pathetic housemates off my back. The rest of my life I'm happy to go on living as a trip.
Life is tripping. Dreams are tripping. Consciousness is the ultimate trip. You do not need drugs of any kind to trip. I'm happy as I am. There's nothing wrong with me. It's the world who's broken and fractured. If I'm not entirely together, that's techtonic pressures of the world putting undue duress on me.
So thank y'all for those comments. "Disabled" is the box the UK Government's benefits system wants to chuck me and many like me into. I don't see myself as disabled. They do. So I'm only disabled inasmuch as they insist on seeing me that way. Just about the unhealthiest way of anyone seeing anyone else. I go through life pretending to be well. I never pull an "I'm sick act" unless I'm at the end of my tether. Then I realize, "hey the Government say I'm sick so who are YOU (e.g. my landlord) to disagree! The entire system is far sicker than I ever was. I know people with paranoid schizophrenia and the Government is considerably sicker than them also!I will be fine. I knew I'd not be the same off opiates. Opiates gave an illusion of several spheres integrating into one person. You are all like me. You might wish to consider yourself otherwise but you are just like me. Set those spheres free. One day you may hear Music of the Spheres. And that, my friends, is SUBLIME.
Mental health organization: hearing voices
THIS POST IS NOT AN ATTACK ON SYD, OR BEEN THERE OR ANONYMOUS. DON'T TAKE MY RANTING PERSONALLY PLEASE, Y'ALL HIT ON A VERY PERTINENT NERVE
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Thai girls dancing, Ko Pha Ngan Full Moon Party
